I have DPD.How can I make it easier on my husband?

Hello. I am a 27 year old mother to a 15 month old son.

I have been unofficially diagnosed with DPD. It is something I have been doing research on for years, and I have been SURE I have it for years as well.

I WANT help. I have tried, but it is difficult to get help. I know I NEED to do it for the sake of my son, and if there is ANY small chance I can save my marriage.

I can't afford a psychologist. But I was recommended to one by my family doctor (so it was covered by health care), who ultimately told me he is sure I do have DPD, even though an official diagnosis wasn't given. But he specializes in alcohol and drug dependencies, not DPD, and said he doesn't feel he can help me. He recommended I go to AA. I do drink quite a bit after my son goes to bed, so does my husband, but I have no problem to quit drinking. When I was pregnant, it was no problem to stop. When I go on a diet, I have no problem to stop. I think the amount I drink is a a side issue that comes about from my inability to deal with my problems. I don't believe it is a key thing that will resolve my problems.

My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant, and he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but due to our current situation he has to stay with me for the next year or so, so that he will be able to remain in the country with our son. I am taking advantage of the situation in a way, because I am hoping I will be able to get enough help to make a noticeable enough change that he will decide he wants to stay with me, and make a happy family for our son.

I NEED to get some help, and at least I want to find some info to show him that he is not the only one going through this situation with me.

I do love my husband very much, beyond my DPD, and I want to be able to make a happy family for my son with my husband. I want to get the help I need for myself, and so my actions don't affect my son.

It was hard enough to get a referral from my doctor to see someone, and after it didn't turn out, it was quite a blow. I don't even know if she can recommend me to another place or not. But I need to find someone who can focus on helping me deal with my DPD.

Can anyone who has a DPD husband or wife give me or my husband any advice on our situation?!? Is there anything I can help him that will help him understand a bit more why I am the way I am? I want him to give me a chance to work on myself, and then give US another chance, cuz besides my DPD, we actually make a really great couple.

On a side note, at the moment we are also living with my parents, which is nice for the help we have with our son, but also bad for me, cuz my mom does EVERYTHING for me, laundry, cleans our room, etc. she does this without even really giving me a chance to TRY and do things for myself. I appreciate her help, but its also not good for me! I've talked to her about it, but it doesn't change.

Please and thanks in advance.

Hi, Alicious! You could first of all go to your doctor and ask to be a sent to a psych who has experience with DPD.
Also, you could be sneaky. It sounds like your mother has this hold on you, where she does everything so that she can sort of be in control, even if she's not a bad person toward you on purpose. It's just unhealthy.
You could wake up early and do your laundry, physically keep her from doing things for you if you have to. Do your own laundry and make your own bed early, before she gets up. Then cook your own breakfast.
She might not want to see that this isn't good for you...

You're doing the best you can to fix things with your husband, getting help is the way to go. Also, if you could discover some things about you that are yours alone like hobbies, passions etc. that would be good. You could focus on them a little for your independence.

It seems like your husband has decided to leave after the given year but you're holding out hope that he will change his mind. If this is the case and you truly want to be with him (no judgement, but cheating on you while you're pregnant sounds terrible), then your best bet may be to ignore the cheating temporarily so you can move on (until you work out the pressing issues).
Try Incorporating him into the family activities. For example, have pleasant experiences with your son, but with the three of you. Go to the park together, paint, etc. Let him participate and watch you play with him, care for him.

We might be able to help more if you tell us more about what exactly you'd like to be better- what kind of "noticeable change" do you want him to see? Just that you're more independent? If so, finding an activity like going to the gym (mood booster AND self esteem body image booster) might make you more relaxed at home. You can also try meditation, or if its not too cheesy, get your husband a book on DPD- or read one yourself and drop hints or take advice from it on your own. Good luck!

itchania wrote:It seems like your husband has decided to leave after the given year but you're holding out hope that he will change his mind. If this is the case and you truly want to be with him (no judgement, but cheating on you while you're pregnant sounds terrible), then your best bet may be to ignore the cheating temporarily so you can move on (until you work out the pressing issues).
Try Incorporating him into the family activities. For example, have pleasant experiences with your son, but with the three of you. Go to the park together, paint, etc. Let him participate and watch you play with him, care for him.

We might be able to help more if you tell us more about what exactly you'd like to be better- what kind of "noticeable change" do you want him to see? Just that you're more independent? If so, finding an activity like going to the gym (mood booster AND self esteem body image booster) might make you more relaxed at home. You can also try meditation, or if its not too cheesy, get your husband a book on DPD- or read one yourself and drop hints or take advice from it on your own. Good luck!

If the problem is dependence, I would think that the solution would be to show that you can be independent and take care of yourself. Of course, I'm sure this is easier said than done. But if you wish to keep your family, it would probably be easier to convince them to stay if you were successful in managing your issues. As they say, actions speak louder than words.