S., 16, nobody

Hey, I am S., I'm 16 years old, female and I have the personality disorders dependent personality disorder and self-defeating personality disorder.


The first thing I can remember in my life is my dad hurting me. And I ever been hurt. Not just hit, I ever been alone. When I was younger I didn't have any friends for a long time, up to now.
And so it went till I came to middle school. I thought I found a friend in an upper-classmate, but in the end, I felt in love with her and so she left me alone. She'd been a nice, kind gil, but she found better friends than me - and I understand this.
Then I met another person. She had lots of fears and even tried to kill herself, so I felt there would be a bond between us... But I failed again; One day she asked me, if I hope to getting closer to her and then I suddenly realized: I just had been lieing at myself. I ever thought she'd been the one, but she loves someone else...
After that I met another person. "She is the one I need" I thought, but I already know how it'll end.

Well, I never been normal. I never knew this "love" people say. I never belonged to a warm place, where people took care of me. I just wanted someone who hurts me. I never wanted to be on the same level as the one I "love", I wanted to be their own. And it still is the only way for me to get along with a normal life: I need someone who says what I have to do and be a kind of special pet to them. If I can't be that I hurt myself, cutting my arms, scratching with my nails over my skin...
My life hadn't been easy. But the person I met last now isn't in my near anymore. We went to different high schools and so I am breaking under my sins and my needs. I can't get up in the morning and go to school like normal students do. I cant look in the mirror and see myself, cause in my mind there's always this "you don't deserve anything! You're just ugly! Evryone hates you! You'll be alone forever! You're a monster, look at yourself! You see pain as love! You're insane! Nobody wants you, cause you're insane!..."

By doing normal things I fail more than other people: I can't just say what I think, I am scared of giving a wrong answer, so I am rather silent. I am scared of being hugged, but I force myself to, cause I don't want to act like I am.
I have the motivation to do work and homework, but I don't know if it's right what I say or write, so I rather do nothing than making mistakes.
When I was in middle-school - my last year with the girls I told you before, the third one always knew what to do, so she told me to. If anyone wants me to do something I try to finish it perfect. And if I fail -even in a detail- I always end up apologising for the whole thing.

When I come home, I usual cook something for myself. But it took a long time to getting myself to do this.
I am quite thin, because I don't eat enough. I know I could do more, but I don't want others to tell me making a diet or laughing about me because of that.

On weekends, I usually do nothing but playing games and sitting home. Before I remembered a lot about my past, I went out with my friends, but then, my normal group left me (the first girl I told you about was into it) and ao I barely travel to places with them.
Sometimes the third girl I told you about goes to clubs with me, but my mum doesn't allow me to go out the night, so I normally pass.
Sometimes it works and then she gets me drunk and kissing her. I am really embarassed about that...
She doesn't really often talk about that, so it will be forgotten soon...
And, anyway, I won't be the right person for her. I just don't deserve it! Even if she can get closer to me, even if she accepts my illnesses, in the end, she will let me alone again.

Every night I lie in my bed and hurt myself. Sometimes with words, but mostly with a knife. I tell myself not to cry, but in the end I cry myself to sleep.

I wish there would be someone who accepts a tortured soul like me and give me what I need, but this sure will never happen.
I don't want to get healed, I just want someone who's keeping me as her sacrifice.


Thank you for reding this short version of my life, it means a lot to me that there's someone interested in it.

Germany, December 17th 2010
S.

Hi, S.! You will find someone who deserves your love, you're still very young. I'm sorry your father hurt you and that your former friend didn't understand you. How do you know that you have these disorders, were you diagnosed with them?

Thank you for your reply.

I am sure I have them, my doctor told me so. Even though I hadn't told her everything at all, she was sure.

How are you doing? How's the treatment going?

jasmin wrote:How are you doing? How's the treatment going?

I don't know... sometimes I feel better after normal therapy hour but sometimes I feel even worse, because I just can't tell everything... I never thought talking about it would help me, but it seems to; I don't injure myself that often at the moment!

How come you can't tell everything?