I am not making ANY of this up - this has impacted my LIFE

Hello I am new here, and hoping for help. I will try to be brief, yet as descriptive and honest as possible.

I am a 36 year old single male. Since high school I have had five "serious" girlfriends. I dated them all consecutively with almost no break between relationships. All of them broke up with me except for one who I broke up with because she disrespected my parents, was verbally abusive to me, and scratched my body up occasionally. Yet when I found out she was dating someone else, I attempted to beg her back.

After all five of my break ups, I have gone into a state of what might be called SEVERE SEVERE SEVERE depression, drinking, not eating, laying down all day, not doing anything and almost in an "insane" like state. Feeling and thinking suicidal. After breakups, I would call the female EXCESSIVELY (all five of the girlfriends). BEGGING her to reconcile the relationship with me. Sometimes showing up at her house to beg. The only way it has stopped is if she moved, changed her phone number, or her parents told me to stay away. I've behaved almost like a stalker, but with no ill will intended. When these breakups happened to me, it was like I was sent into a state where I couldn't control my feelings, thoughts, and emotions to a large extent.

My first girlfriend from high school moved to another city for college and i followed her to the area and I went to college there at a different school. When she broke up with me I was devastated, and I got her pregnant on purpose in an attempt of keeping her. She had an abortion, and cut me off.
It's been a similar pattern with ALL of my girlfriends. Long relationship, break up, MAJOR depression and obsession (EXTREMELY MAJOR: no words to describe), find a new girlfriend, and the cycle repeats.

I am currently single for the first time since high school, because I haven't ever BEEN single in almost twenty years. Plus I have always been plagued by depression and low self worth. I've tried Kaiser psychiatry with little success for years. Can anyone help me? What is wrong with me? Who/where can I go for help? I avoid close relationships because I don't want to get hurt, and I really have no friends. Please email me with any necessary further information. Anyone who can help. thank you.

Hey dude,

I think that you have a lot of thinking to get done, if it hasn't already been done. There are reasons why you become so attached to people, and reasons why you feel so terribly let-down/abandoned when they leave. The first area one would naturally look at is your childhood - what was it like? Did anything happen in it that really affected you?; something that you never talked about to anyone, perhaps?

This might sound silly, but I believe that single life is just what you need right now. However, you have to make the best of it and make an effort to unearth what's going on. Coming here is a good first move but - please - you ought to continue getting professional help too. Also, you shouldnt' fear meeting up with people. You have to face your fears in order to gradually become more comfortable with them. That would be a good move in my opinion. Unless you can form a functionally-normal relationshi with someone - i.e. a friend - then you'll fail to forma successful romantic relationship.

Kevin

All right, I'm going to point out something that I find obvious, but maybe you haven't considered.

Are you BPD? Or SPD?

Because what you seem to be acting on is your extreme emotions, and you're lacking a complete self-control function. Stalking people and getting girls pregnant on purpose is really f*cked up. No offense, but sometimes we have to take a harsh look at ourselves.

I do believe this is impacting your life.

I am BPD, and have come to terms with a lot of "ugly-ness" of myself of late, and it has been VERY liberating. And also, I'm thinking you have more than just dependent characteristics. I think you may need to do a little more digging in your past to see what it is that you may be avoiding by filling your time with a 20 year concurrent girlfriend spree.

AMP