Deep Stuff

My deal is a three-parter.
Firstly, I'm thinking too much. I'm a 21 year old waitress, I feel like I shouldn't have crippling anxiety, but truthfully I thought I was going crazy until I realized that's what it is. I think about everything way too much. Every slightly awkward situation is intensified by the millions by the time it reaches my brain. I'm embarrassed for other people who aren't even embarrassed for themselves. When someone is making an ass of themselves, I feel like it's me. My ears get hot, my face gets red, I've got to get out of there. If I see a situation as being kind of weird, I avoid it completely. If I'm actually relaxed and having a good time, which is rare, the next day I'll worry that since I wasn't worried the night before, someone might have gone horribly wrong without me noticing.
It gets worse. If nothing else is wrong, I start thinking that I'm wrong. I'm all wrong. All your life, people tell you, "just be yourself!" What if yourself is not at all what you want to be? Furthermore, with everyone I meet, I just adapt to the way they move and think and the things they talk about. I don't disagree even if I know they're wrong. Unfortunately this behavior is only rewarded because everyone likes you if you always agree with them. That's the part that makes me think I have dependent personality disorder.
What I'm really trying to find out is if dependent personality disorder can affect parts of your life that aren't obvious. What about learning? I only learn things that other people teach me. And is it possible that when I was diagnosed with ADD, it was really dependency? And you can be dependent on other things too, right?
Like medications and marijuana, not just your boyfriend? And does my anxiety cause the disorder, or is it the other way around?
I know the symptoms and I know the possible treatments. I want to find out exactly what this disorder could be doing to me.
Everything I think has changed in the past year. My spirituality, my hobbies, my relationships, everything has gone on hold because I have this constant nagging thought in my mind that I'm not going to be able to fix this. If anyone can relate to this feeling I'd love to talk to you.

Hi, kjf.

Welcome to the forum.

Reading over your post, what you describe sounds a fair amount like Borderline Personality Disorder as well. Some of the symptoms overlap with DPD (Dependent PD), but constant changing and confusion with regards to self-identity, constant anxiety are at least two of the symptoms of BPD.

I'm younger than you, but I can relate. In fact, you sound much like I do on certain occasion. I have been told by two psychiatrists that I exhibit Borderline traits. And they seem familiar to some of the experiences you noted.

So I certainly can relate to much of what you wrote. However, I do not know many of the answers to some of your questions. I ask them myself, and they don't seem to be very... Answerable. At least not by anyone other than yourself. Which I suppose is just as unanswerable if you do not know who you truly are. I know I feel this often.

Do you, or have you looked at seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist? I'm sure they could help with your anxiety problems, as you seem to have been observant and it appears that you have dealt with this for quite a fair amount of time. And it seems this is what worries you most.

(Heh. Anxiety seems to cause these problems... Catch-22s. You have anxiety, so you worry about having anxiety.)

I don't know how much help I've been, if any at all, but should you need to express yourself, these forums are particularly welcoming.

I'll be sure to read some of your other posts in the future to see if I can relate to any of your other feelings. If I can't, I have no doubt that there is someone here who will.

I wish you well.