Unable to let go of an ex

'm reaching for your help. Sorry in advance, English isn't my first language and my post will be long!

I will give you a small (as small as I could) story of my life, because it's certainly related. I'm born from an Algerian-Canadian couple. When my parents divorced, I was 2-3 years old and my father kidnaped me from my mother and brought me to Algeria. On arrival, he was arrested and force to do is military service. So I was left with my strongly conventional paternal family whom don't speak my language, for a few months. I have no recollection of the time but was told that I was crying a lot, mostly in the beginning, and also receive some physical punishments. At some point, my father found a way out of military and brought me back in Canada to my mother. No need to say that she had been completely devastated by this and became an anxious and overprotective mother. I'm almost certain that this traumatic event made me a really "adult" children, always aware of adults in my entourage expectations. And I became the perfect little girl, the one that the teacher prefer. I was somehow bullied all my first school years, I didn't really care, but if I did receive a bad grade or a bad comment from a teacher, it was resulting in profond psychological distress. My mother told me that I wasn't a playful children, more interested in books. The divorce arrangement was that I had to be with my father, who was back in Canada as well, 2 week ends a month and 2 weeks during the summer. Those week ends were atrocities. I could cry, argue, plead for hours not to go. I remember making me vomit to prove that I was too sick to go. But sometimes, I had to. When there, I just stay in my room, filed with anxiety and counting down the hours before I could be back with my mother. My father hide the phones for me not to call her. The time I was able to do so I was in a huge crisis and trying to convince her to came grab me as soon as possible. With the time I was older, I went there less and less. I now have no contact with my father.

Than, by 12 years old, I had my first "boyfriend" in high school. He told me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I say yes and he kissed me. He was a couple of year older, and 2 weeks later, he force me to have sexual intercourse with him. It took me years to accept to call this incident a rape. That evening I came back home so weird, my mother ask me what happen so I told her and she instantly arrange for me to change school. To this day, I have never seen or heard about this "rapist" boyfriend again. What I recall the most is the sadness, shame and guilt I felt that I wasn't good enough to have loved the sex. That it was probably why, even if he knew my phone number and address, he never called or come see me when he realized I wasn't going to school anymore. Of course today I realized that he was an asshold that have probably only want to slept with me and nothing else, or maybe is own shame prevent him to do anything. But at that time I didn't find myself angry at him or sad that i was indeed rape, it's the "break up" that was the hardest part. How could he not came see me if he's suppose to love me. He probably don't love me anymore, and it must be my fault. Here was my emotional tough pattern. So sad!

Than, in late adolescence and early adulthood I became a sex addict... craving to be loved. I must have slept with 150 boys in this 10 years period. Most of the time, it was reciprocally one night stand, but nevertheless I was more in need of affection than sex. I guess I was feeling safer in boys harms. During this period, I did had a couple of really toxic relationship as well. The commun emotional dependency pattern, I "loved" only the guys that were unreachable and I tried to have them loved me, which always resulted in painful rejection. Hopefully I never was in a violent relationship.

University was as well a really difficult part of my life. I had huge performance anxiety, anything lower than A was devastating me.

I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder at 17 and took antidepressant on and off since than. I also did years of therapy, mostly behavioral. I'm still doing one. I also had depressive periods.

Around my mid-twenties I somehow made a huge step upward and took strong responsibility to get better. I decide to stop sleeping with anybody, exercise and meditate. I got a good job, where I was lucky enough to be strongly recognized. And I met someone that was not my type at all but it was part of my plan to date "good guy". We were together for 5 years and he is still my best friend to this date. We split off out of love in no resentment.

Now around 30, after a year of being single I lost my job. Things began to get bad. I must have made hundreds of interviews without success. My attempts to met someone were also unsuccessful. Financially, I had to take roommates and I did had bad luck with that as well. It was a vicious circle and my fragile self esteem crumble.

And I met HIM.

Maybe I was blinded by love, but I didn't realized my old pattern were back. In fact, he is the one that say I love you the first. He introduce me to his parents and friends. We were discussing moving together. Than out of nowhere he left me. No real explanation other than he wasn't feeling enough in love to go further. But he did propose that we stayed friend. And of course, I wasn't able to say no or at least take some time appart to reconstruct. We "try" to be friends for a long 8 months. Honestly, I was a crazy girl. I'm still feeling a bit ashamed of how I react. I was unable to let him go, I was overreacting to any sign of rejection, over analyzing all his words. We argued on the meaning of friendship, he told me I had too much expectation, I told him.. oh I told him too many stupidity. And at one point, he just stop to answer. He never actually said that he wanted the relationship to stop, so a couple of emails went unanswered, which build up my shame, guilt feeling and anger. To be honest, he took so much of my anxiety and for so long that I can't really be angry with him for long. And even if I know relationship need 2 persons to be built or destroy, I'm feeling responsible for this failure.

The last word I heard from him was more than 5 years ago. Time have past, (I think) I have forgave him and myself and that I have made the romantic grieving process. Maybe not...

I've met my current boyfriend, and father of my child, 3 and half year ago. We have a nice, harmonious and mutually loving relationship. It's less passionate, but it's perfect. Our little boy is great as well!

I can't explain why on earth I'm still thinking about my ex everyday, sometimes many times a day. My toughs aren't romantic nor sexual. But I wish He could be back in my life. It's more than a wish, it's a strong need. At the begging of my too long email, I was telling you about calling my mother as a child when I was at my father's place, it's the exact same feeling.

I'm not harassing my ex (anymore) so I have strong enough control on me, but the urge to contact him is often there.

My strongest wish is to find a way to stop giving a ###$ about him! I'm feeling like I try everything I could, but I'm stuck. Do you have any idea of what my next try should be?

Thank you for your reading.

Hi Chaton,

Just so you know, we aren't professionals here, and while this forum can provide a bit of support, there is a lot going on with you, and at a level that (if possible for you), this is what therapists do well, help people work out their conflicts.

That written, I read through your post, and one thing really stood out for me intertwined with the rest of what you wrote, and that was this sentence -

Chaton wrote:...My mother told me that I wasn't a playful children, more interested in books. ...

And the reason it stood out for me is two-fold:

1.) There is a clear message here, there is something wrong with you for being more interested in books than socializing (and there is so much wrong with that message I'm not going to write it out).

2.) Much else you wrote about seeking mother's approval is intertwined.

If there is any possibility for you of speaking with a therapist, my gut says this is a topic to be explored.

@ xdude

Thank you so much to have take the time to read it all and to answer. I know I wrote a lot! I think it made me good, just to write.

I am in therapy right now, but my psy is more focusing in the present than the past. I'll try to bring it out at my next appointment.

As an adult, I'm now socializing a lot tough I'm more of an introvert.

Are you aware if a psychanalyse would be better than an behavioral therapy for dependency issues?

Hey Chaton,

Yea, I really don't know how to best tackle dependency issues, so if the current approach isn't working, again something to discuss with your therapist.

That written...

There are many people over on the SOF&F and Relationship sub-forums here who have written about the same. Months or years later, that one relationship that they are unable to forget. You are certainly not alone in going through that.

About the only thing I see in common across those threads is that those relationships were often painful, yes, even 'crazy', and yet despite that, or because of that, the relationships had an addictive quality.