My DPS is killing me

After a really bad break up with who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with I developed DPS. Right after that relationship I started abusing drugs and desperately trying to find someone to fill the emptiness I felt. Then I started dating my now boyfriend. He cheated on me the first month. I forgave him since I was so afraid of being alone and I wanted to stop hurting. I depend on him for my happiness and I am aware of that but I don't know how to change it. He has cheated on me multiple times after that, I helped bail him out of jail just to find out a couple of weeks later he was sexting two or three girls (that I know of). I gave him another chance. I freak out at the thought of him leaving me, I get panic attacks. I feel like dying every time I find out he did something behind my back. I just hang on to the good things that he does and hope that he will treat me better. I just want to feel loved, and cared for. I'm so depressed. I really do care so much about him I would do anything for him in a heartbeat. I just wish he would care about me the way I care about him. I have no friends, so if I leave him I have no one to count on. No one to distract myself and at this point it is impossible to leave him. He means a lot to me, I don't want to loose that. I can't survive another heartbreak. At least when my ex broke up with me I had friends and even then I was miserable. I have been on so many different medications and none ever helped. Some even made me worse. I'm just so tired sometimes and don't see myself getting any better. I've tried to stop and leave him but I just end up panicking ten times worse. I don't know how to stop being like this. To make things worse he works two jobs now and I barely see him one or two times a week. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I just hang on to him even after everything because he is the only thing that makes me happy sometimes. I was single for about 3 months and I felt dead every single day. I couldnt even go out in public without crying. I felt numb to everything. I feel like I'm going crazy. If I feel like he is acting different I will stay up all night obsessing over it. I'm just tired of it all.

Have you looked into finding a psychologist for therapy? Unfortunately, if your bf has cheated multiple times, then he is not going to stop. He probably is drawn to people who are dependent, because it is more likely that they will put up with his behaviour. You need to find the origin for your behaviour ( eg child abuse or bullying), so that you can start processing it. Also, I think the psychologist will be able to help you bring up your sense of self worth so that you do not feel like you have to stay in this relationship.

Luckily, I have a very supportive husband, but I have issues making decisions and feeling as though I am as capable as the next person. Therapy and meditation have helped me realize when I am letting anxiety and self shaming keep me from moving forward.

It makes sense the way you're feeling and allowing him back in your life. To me, the attachment to someone is the worst part of the disorder because it's the hardest and I can't wrap my head around how to ever change it.

I don't have a significant other but I'm attached to my therapist currently and before that, a family I used to babysit where the parents were also my professors. To be honest, I'm still attached to that family. Without purposely trying and seeking I automatically have someone else "lined up" to fill the emptiness. I don't understand why I'm drawn close to one person and not another. For example, I babysat another family that I cared for just as much but for some reason wasn't unhealthily attached.

Like you mentioned, I also freak out at the thought of anyone leaving me especially those I have this attachment to. Any change in their behavior, I interpret as them beginning to not like me and they'll leave. For example, my therapist whom I'm attached to almost always returns a message within 72 hours and the last couple of weeks hasn't returned the phone calls at all. Since I work with a team of therapists along with my individual, they have informed me that there's too much going on right now since two therapists are off on training, she's having to do double / triple the workload. My wise mind says "this is true" but the dependent insecure part says "nope, she's avoiding you / doesn't like you anymore".

Many of the other things you mentioned are true for me too in terms of the feelings and thoughts about the attachment to that person as well as being tired of it all. Also, even when I am with friends I'm still miserable wishing I could hang out with the others.

I'm thankful I haven't had a boyfriend because I'd be attached to him too.

I am so sorry he is cheating on you. It's not right and I'm sure it makes it even more painful.

I wish I could give better support. The only thing I can say is that Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the best therapy I've gone through and I suggest you find a program / therapist that specializes in it. I'm still depressed due to the attachments but this type of therapy has also helped me with everything else about the disorder like taking charge of making my own decisions without the reassurance of someone else. I can also regulate my emotions better in front of people which doesn't freak people out. Unfortunately, not everyone understands mental illness and can make them run in the opposite direction or judge.

I hope this was somewhat helpful. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.