overprotective parents

I have some ideas, but first I'll make the disclaimer that I'm not responsible for what happens if you follow my advice. So think this through before trying any of it.

Idea 1. Get a friend. Someone who has more sense of adventure than you, but is sensitive to your needs. Someone who will encourage you to spread your wings. Someone who can tolerate your mother's meddling, and won't ridicule you for it. Hang out with this person and do stuff that on the surface seems like a huge risk, but is really not dangerous. Maybe play poker for cash, but keep the bets small. Or do something more physical that might cause scratches and bruises, but won't seriously hurt you. With the help of this person, develop some confidence. Then go away with this friend for a few days, maybe a week (camping, music festival, hiking, biking, something). Write your mom a note that you will be back on a certain day, but not specifying where you're going. Then make sure you're back by the time the note said. Or leave without saying anything, just to be out of the house for a while, then return hours later. If this happens enough she might get used to it, or she might freak out each time. If she freaks out, you can't really be at fault, because all you did was go out. Oh, make sure you don't drink, use drugs, have unprotected sex, do anything illegal, or anything likely to hurt yourself. Do safe things. The safer, more boring, and more mundane, the better. Don't give her anything legitimate to worry about. If this gets to her - it wouldn't get to a normal person - and she freaks out, it will become more apparent to her and everyone who sees her that she needs help. This plan has another benefit, which is helping you become independent, confidant, and assertive. Maybe your friend could even help you get a job so you're independent financially.

Idea 2. Turn the tables. Worry about everything she does. Worry that there is too much cholesterol in the food she buys, and at her age, you're concerned about what it could do to her heart. Worry that she is getting too old to drive a car. Worry that any time she leaves, something bad might happen to her. Nag her to sign up for self-defense classes, because there are a lot of bad people out there. The goal is to be so annoying that she backs off. Or better yet, gets a dose of her own medicine, and becomes aware that she is too overprotective.

Idea 3. Replace yourself. Find someone else for her to rescue. I have no idea how you would go about setting this up.

This is just a brainstorm. I don't know how any of these ideas would turn out in reality. I'm not an expert at doing any of these things.

@ Mytwocents: I recognize the OP's situation (except for the panic attacks although it comes close) and I like the tip about turning the tables. Even though mostly, my parents either don't mind and react normal (so they don 't understand why I would feel bad about it) or they say "mind your own business" and we have an argument.
I would never dare to do things my parents do not approve of, because they will become angry and I have the feeling I have let them down or something, but I'm 22 now and I also need to act like an adult.
The last thing will not happen to me since I do not have any siblings.
But thanks anyway, it helped me at least, I hope it helps the OP as well

It's kinda funny. I made this post in 2007, all I can say is I was a whining baby. I don't use this account much anymore, so I only saw these replies today. Too late? No, perfect timing.

I won't elaborate but basically things are a lot worse today. Well, you live and you learn.

Thanks everyone for the good advice, and good luck to you who also have this problem.

My special thanks to My2cents, whose post actually is really helpful in my completely different situation right now.

I think I have it too. My parents are way too overprotective. They tell me all the time when Im living somewhere else the door is always open, the phone is always available. Im 32. I cant keep doing this but I dont know anything else and with the APD, it doesnt help.

Well, that's an important problem I know very well from my own experience. I'm thirty years old already, but my mother is still very overprotective. In my childhood I couldn't do anything, even going to shop to buy myself a comic book was something she considered as a very bad idea and started crying that something bad will definitely happen with me. The whole atmosphere of mistrust and evil ghosts painted at the wall is a very familiar theme from my childhood. I was too shy and afraid to make friends at school and started to find them only in college, but there were some extra problems. For that time your self esteem and shy character are already fully developed, so many people probably feel that you are somehow different, you feel and act as alien. So chances to have really good friends are very low. Mostly people start look at you as you are very retarded guy or begin humiliate you. Another problem is when they visit your home: parents do usually treat your friends as enemies - "you love them more than us", speak a lot against them and after you have met them usually start evilly brainwashing you. As a result every social interaction - positive or negative - will end in depression. But that's not all. A lot of people may quickly feel that there's something wrong with you and start being not very polite or rude with you, manipulate you because your lack of solid social experience. Many people just vanish if they hear anything about your family problems. Not everybody we meet is going to be supportive and understanding, mostly people will be quite harsh. In that case parents may trig a reply a la "You see, everything is as bad as we said? Only WE care for you, there are no real friends or love outside family".

Hi....

Good to read others posts and see that im not the only one.
I am 32 and going through something similar. I never realized i had overprotective parents until recently. Since I was 14 my elder sister has been sick <first diagonosed as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and now as lyme disease>. She since threw so many emotional tantrums and my parents have been obsessive about her disease. I think somewhere through university <when i lived with her> it really mentally affected me and after working 2 years after univ, i went on this massive self searching exploration.
I left my job in Canada, came to India, started working with schools etc and came accross a spiritual organization here. I had some really huge spiritual expereinces that helped me alot and got more and more involved with them. I almost became obsessed with wanting to be there, since at the ashram i got so much peace of mind, because it was the first time i was away from my family, without their constant bickering, worrying <about what is going to happen to me and my sister>. Life seemed as though there was somethign more beautiful and meaningful, rather than growing up only with illness - mental and physical around oneself all the time.
For the last 5 years though i have gone through so many physical problems and now have such a bad back that i can hardly sit. <Been through 3 surgeries, umpteen surgeries in my gums for three teeth infections, bad implant, bad brrdiges, a thousand or more xrays of my teeth...>. I still push myself with willpower, but there is constant pain and i know it is there somewhere because of this unease, stress and anxiety within me. I dont want to be with my family but i have to be with them because physically i am not at my optimum. I fear leaving because i dont know how to live alone and get these fears from my parents of how i wont be able to make it with the body i have. My dad is in some depression, since my sis <38> and me are both home, unmarried. Mom keeps going, but is in severe anxiety all the time....she gets worried even if i or my sis sneeze. My sis is still sick and on severe medication, my mom continues to baby coddle her, and my sister is continually throwing emotional tantrums and crying. If i try to persuade them to go see a councellor or psychiatrist, my mom gets really angry and tells me that money doesnt grow on trees and that we have to take care of ourselves. Somehow my family has alwasy believed and even instilled in me that we are very open and in some way superior to others. I suffered alot because of this when i lived in the ashram and slowly learnt to come out of this mentality. But they dont want to come out of it.
I dont knwo what to do. I am trying to do some freelance to get some money, but my body and mind are not doing great so its a struggle for me to keep up. I go to an art studio near my house and have started learning music to keep myself sane. My yoga helps me but with all the turmoil at home and this constant fear of my body and what if i become totally dependant on these people that are nuts....it just keeps me on very high stress levels and i feel i'm falling apart
My parents seem to have given up and dont want to help in any way. The only thing they can do is keep feeling sorry for us and cry and blame us and their own selves about what they have done.
I live in perpetual fear and know i am going through some depression and anxiety, but want to avoid taking medicines because im too sensitive to pills.
What should i do?
I really need some help.....

thanks

Hey, guys.

I'm really happy to find out that I'm not the only one who has experienced the same situation. I have DPD with some narcissistic traits so I find myself really stuck in the middle.

Living with my overprotective parents for 25 years was a dreading experience. I moved out of the house (finally) about 4 months ago and moved to another city where I currently live with my boyfriend.

Let me give you a piece of advice:

1. Start planning a way out - finding a job is vital because you need to be financially independent.
2. Move to another city - if you want to do it but you're scared that you'll end up alone, find some friends to live with before making that step.
3. Realize that you're perfectly capable to make it on your own - that one is the hardest. You're going to experience guilt for having left them, you're going to question your sanity once in a while but eventually you'll learn to cope with life.

I remember the first couple of weeks when I moved out - I was terrified, almost couldn't do anything on my own. Then I realized that I'm not alone - I'm simply FINALLY FREE to do whatever I want to do. And trust me, guys, it's the best feeling in the whole world.

Don't waste your time and energy satisfying other people's needs. Start thinking about yourself, nurture yourself and realize that you're a wonderful human being and you're ABLE to accomplish whatever you want to.

You're braver than you think.

Take care,
DG

Ha! This is funny but not so funny because I relate 100% to what you've said. The dynamics you've laid out, form what I know, definitely constitute dependent personality disorder or style (depending on how healthy you are) - but regardless, it seems like you might have a dependent organization. I also have avoidant personality traits, so I felt the need to reply here because I relate so well to what you've written.

My mother was exactly the same with me. My whole life I think everyone thought I was getting special treatment, but her often subtle and not so subtle disapproval of any attempts I've made at individuation/ self-expression/ becoming a man have incapacitated me in so many ways. I'm very much more worse off than my brother and sister; she probably chose me because I was super affectionate as a kid.

It took me a while to see clearly these dynamics in my own family. You think you have this good relationship with your mother and then, like at the end of the first saw movie, the true villain is revealed at the end - and was too close for you to suspect a problem. This is not blaming.. it's just reality.