overprotective parents

Hi everyone, I'm new here... If you don't mind I'd like to share my story... I am not 100% sure I have DPD, but listen to this.

I have suffered from depression ever since I can remember... Feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem... I have Avoidant Personality Disorder as well as a bunch of other stuff. Right now I'm what you might call "severely" depressed.

I am 25 and still living with my parents because I have no idea how to handle responsibility or support myself. I do work sometimes as a freelancer at home, but I don't make a lot of money - I completely depend on my parents financially . I actually feel that unless I win the lottery or something, I'm going to end my days like a bum on the streets.

My mother is a control freak, mega-protective of me and she probably has even more disorders than I do, but she has this need to take care of someone and I'm the one who "needs" to be rescued (Anyone ever read that book 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne? Interesting stuff).

To this day, my mom has some sort of panic attacks when I'm not at home by X hour/go somewhere she doesn't know about/hang out with people she doesn't know. In short, she has to always be controlling me. If she had more money she'd probably be happy to put a GPS chip on me.

Theroretically, there's nothing stopping me from getting my own place and supporting myself. In real life, this seems to be an impossible task. I have no confidence in myself to do anything consistently, like holding a job, or even doing simple things like going to the bank. Yes, I'm that disabled.

My theory is that my mother always needs to be in control of something or her life has no value. Even in my family she has to be in control of everything, take care of everyone - her sick mother, her bipolar sister. But I've always been her main 'rescuee', even when I didn't want to (specially in my teens). I also have a younger, 20 year old sister that didn't get the same 'special treatment'.

Maybe a better term for this would be co-dependent? Because without me, she loses her main goal in life, and without her, I'm completely lost. Sometimes I hate her guts and other times I feel incredibly guilty. There was a point I was starting to have panic attacks not unlike her own - for example, worrying she might die in a car crash coming from work. Weird. Thankfully this has mostly gone away but not completely .

My dad's always been submissive and "weak", and never did much to stop her unhealthy and abusive behavior. I'm not blaming her because now I know she is mentally ill, but as a child it was pretty tough.

I have just realized that what my mother does is "protect me from myself"... It's a neverending cycle: in her mind, I don't have the resources to cope with life > thus she needs to "rescue" me > after initial protests I end up agreeing with her > I feel I can't handle life > I ask for her rescue.

She's done many "raids", like rescue operations, whenever I was going to sleep at a friend's house, once at a bar, and basically humiliating me in front of everyone. I can't accept this anymore.
I had to resort to alcohol and drugs to get through life, and now she has recently learned about it, so that gives her theory (that I can't be trusted and have to be rescued) a lot of credit. So I'm basically screwed.

I still don't know whether I'm also to blame for all this. People in my family say that I was "lazy" and "spoiled" and just played her game so I could get more perks as a child. Maybe. I honestly couldn't say.

I feel completely hopeless right now. What kind of therapy would you recommend for something like this? Any medications?

I am willing to do anything (any kind of therapy or meds, including ECT, just to show how desperate I am) to change this, and I know it's probably not going to be easy. But hey, it's never been easy anyway.

But I also think she needs to get some treatment, too, for her own good. She doesn't do ANYTHING for herself, she doesn't have friends, etc... She says she's gonna do it, but she doesn't really think she has a problem, with the exception of panic attacks.

I'm not saying that my mom is the cause of all my symptoms, because she is not, but I am sure that being raised in this manner has left scars in my personality. So I'm just venting, really.

So, if you have any advice on what I should do to try and stop this, it would be greatly appreciated. thanks

You are the closest person on this forum that I can kinda identify with.

I am a 39 yro living at home with my parents. I recently was disgnosed with DPD. I am now collecting Social Security Disability. I stoped working this past april (worked in drug dextox rehab unit) I have always depended on my parents. I do not have to pay for rent etc. My parents are controlling, chronic worriers, and have provided me with a sheltered life. I have never had a intimate relationship. I do not feel like an adult. I am a Kidult! I worry about my future and this leads to more depression and anxiety.

I too want to learn how to treat this DPD. I am seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. I do not feel like it is helping me become more autonomous. I am so afraid. I get my mother and family to cook for me. I have hardly ever done any chores. I am not use to being responsible and taking risks.

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survivor1000 wrote:Guys, I heard that the best thing to do for dependent personality is to move out of the parents' house and the dpd goes away. DPD is natural and it just takes living on one's own. Also I don't think your parents are helping you but are actually harming.

Hope that helps.

I agree too. but don't move across town. Move at least sevral hours away. Get a fresh start. and get a studio or a 1br so your mom doesn't think she can come stay in the spare room. maybe get your mom a dog to 'baby' too.

You were an abused child -- abused actively by your controlling mother and passively by your submissive father. Normal parents help their children become independent adults. Almost instinctively, loving parents build their children's self-esteem and encourage their steps toward self-sufficiency.

Your parents have done the reverse. They're fostering in you a sense of inadequacy and dependence. To keep you in line they've instilled in you feelings of bottomless obligation, which you experience as guilt whenever you try to act in your own interests.

Very likely, your parents had miserable early lives and their twisted emotions shape how they've parented. To ease their anxieties they're sacrificing you.

There are limits to filial obligation. Yes, the Commandment says you should honor your mother and father. But that doesn't license them to infantilize you. No matter how much guilt they'd inflict on you, absent their help you have every right to grow yourself up.

You need to get a job. Financial independence is necessary to being an adult. In addition, you need to act like an adult. That means determining your own life, coming and going as you please. If your parents object, so be it. Eventually they'll accept you as an adult, especially if you get your own place.

hey there,
eatmypills and saya, i completely identify with you...my parents were very overprotective too, and well in my case i just totally blame my mother; guess i have a bit more therapy to work through lol.
ive had severe depression (as well as i think i might have narcisstic, avoidant personality disorders too i found out recently...), and it`s only as that has gotten better that ive been able to see that i have personality disorders like this dependency. i think the moving away from home is great advice. when i finally did it, i went through a huge long period of anger, but also i felt free to be me at my pace and living my own life rather than getting permission from my parents for everything (though my relationships always ended up codependent). but also id add that i think this move would depend a lot on where your depression is at. if it is very severe (which, BTW, i think those comments about your apparent 'laziness' as a kid should be attributed to - i received the exact same reprimands from my parents as a teen, and it was definitely due to depression), then the depression is just going to overwhelm you physically and you may end up exhausted and deflated etc. so maybe better to make sure that that is at a manageable level, then move out of home.
you mentioned that you were open to treatments; well regarding depression PM me if you like i can share the supplement programme that ive been following with steady success with you. regarding the dependency, a painless and fast method that has been working for me is EFT (emotional freedom technique) - it works by getting you to imagine or feel a situation that you want to change your reponse to, and then tapping on specific points on your body to 'rewire' the habitual reaction....just google it; the manual is free on the web and there are some examples on youtube i think. it`s quite important that you feel the emotion intensely and say the right words though, which is where a good therapist helps.
finally, it sounds like you are taking responsibility for this, like it`s your fault for some reason...and id say wait one second; those beliefs and behaviours were programmed into you; you were a trusting, loving and helpless kid in a sense, adn you took all the signals that your environment gave you and interpreted life adn living accordingly. so you cant really blame yourself...what you can take responsibility for, is getting better from it though, which is what you are doing and you`ve got to admire yourself for that!

I am in the same boat. I'm 39 & have NEVER been on my own. I live with my mom & she's been overprotective of me since I was born. :<
I'm on disability for this & a few other issues. I call myself an AD Personality. (Avoidant Dependent). I am on provincial disability though & even if I could realistically see myself living on my own, I couldn't afford it. Honestly, I make $500.00 a month. I can't even afford a room for that amount, let alone everything else. :<
It's seems like an unbreakable cycle. I suffer with panic attacks, chronic worry, & social phobia. I don't see myself being 'free' ever. I'm not an adult... I'm a child trapped in an adult body & all I want is my momma's support, acceptance, & love.

I have over protective parents who beat me and emotionally abandon me.. what a wonderful life.

If your gona over protect me at least show me some love </3

I feel that some parents just don't know how to love their child the right way. Some would think that they are doing something great to the child and thus take parenting way too seriously; when they are actually burdening their child and destroying them by overprotecting them. Now, I am not a parent nor I will become one anytime soon...I am just saying what I feel sometimes...