I need help dealing with a DPD Spouse

My wife was recently diagnosed with DPD but we've realized that she's had it for some time. We've been seeing the doctor for cognitive behavior therapy and we're at the point where we think we've discovered the source of the problems from her childhood but we've not really begun treatment on those issues yet.

Over the last 18 months her condition has gone acute, and it's really draining my ability to cope with her condition.

I could really use some advice on how to deal with her condition. I'm trying to be as patient and understandable as possible, but the last 18 months have been simply exhausting. My faith and commitment before God says for better or worse, but I'm simply physically and mentally spent and no longer sure what to do. I can no longer share the joys of my life with her for fear of the unknown reaction it may bring about.

Thanks for listening, and I look forward to hearing from you.

JazzyWagdaddy wrote:My wife was recently diagnosed with DPD but we've realized that she's had it for some time. We've been seeing the doctor for cognitive behavior therapy and we're at the point where we think we've discovered the source of the problems from her childhood but we've not really begun treatment on those issues yet.

Over the last 18 months her condition has gone acute, and it's really draining my ability to cope with her condition.

I could really use some advice on how to deal with her condition. I'm trying to be as patient and understandable as possible, but the last 18 months have been simply exhausting. My faith and commitment before God says for better or worse, but I'm simply physically and mentally spent and no longer sure what to do. I can no longer share the joys of my life with her for fear of the unknown reaction it may bring about.

Thanks for listening, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Try group therapy with her to listen to what triggers her. Get her a companion pet when you absolutely need space. Sometimes therapy makes things worse before they get better. I personally like DBT group therapy.

Hi!

I am on the other side of the problem. I am "the wife".
I actually came here to try and understand how it has been going for my partner.
We are close to breaking up and surprisingly, i am the one who is wanting to break up.
The thing is i ****up relationship by being too dependant. I always asked him what we should do, and expect him to guide us for everything. What should we eat what should we watch what should we do the week end. It's strange because my boyfriend actually likes nothing; he doesn't like music, going out, socialising, he always tells me not to cook without telling me what we're going to eat. He only likes me and videogames. At the end of three years i am realising i have no hobbies, i have no social life, and it's not his fault; it's mine. I realise now that there are lots of things i want to do. I want to travel, and go out more often to the movies, to a restaurant, to socialise, to a museum, etc... He hates all these things. Part of our problem comes from me being too dependant on him but the other part comes from him being too different from me. Being dependant means that i can not express what I really want; so finally we do something else and i'm not happy because i don't feel fulfilled.
When i say i want to go out i mean go out to do something different rather than going to get coffee at the same place every week. But i never dare express it because i fear he will say no or won't enjoy it; and he often does say no and doesn't enjoy it. The reason my relationships fail is because i let go of my personality when i get in a relationship. I start living the other person's life, and that's just horrible; for me and the other person. I am extremely clingy. I do absolutely everything to make the other person happy which makes the other person feel indebted to me, and very angry at the same time. There are times, and this may sound strange, i remember my own personality. I remember it from the times where i was alone. I love music for starters; i am very much into progressive rock, jazz and old songs. I love weird and boring movies. I love writing. I love travelling, and visiting new places, visiting museums. I love eating, and trying new restaurants. I hate sports but like tenis or swimming. I love decorating my house, or DIY stuff. For a person who's extremely dependant i have found THE partner who has nothing in common with me. We can never do much together because we both like very very different things. So i end up doing things on my own or doing absolutely nothing because I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I think to myself that if we had one or two activities that we did together once a week, i'd be much happier.
My boyfriend encourages me to do many things but i can never do them alone. The funny thing is, when i do things alone i also enjoy them, but i need a looot of persuasion. And i understand it may be very frustrating for my partner. I think if we had a system where it was my week once every two weeks and his week once every two weeks, we might have been happier. The game changer here is; you are not allowed to say no. As clingy as i am my partner is also very dependant on me. He likes me to be around. He likes it when i go out with friends but is jealous if i go out at night. When i am out all i want is to come back home next to him, although, and here's the heart breaking part, i know i'll be bored out of my mind and will have so much more fun if i concentrate on the "here an now". It's so difficult. You have no idea how much i struggle. It's like i want to live like a koala with my partner, stuck to him, and i cannot explain why. At times i felt like i didn't love him but i still couldn't let go. The times where i feel angry and start complaining is when my real personality comes back to me because it's been pushed and repressed so violently at some point.
The key question is: what do you want to do? And "i will not reject your idea". Pushing your partner to do things she likes, and that she dominates. What i mean is things that are organised by her and put into action by her.
The reason behing my being this way is my mother.
I have a mother who is a kind of a helicopter parent. She's everywhere; meaning she knows everything about me. I have no intimacy. I am 30 years old and she still comments me on my way of working, living my relationship etc... I am extremely influencable also. I was 27 and was doing my master's degree when she was asking me if i had done my weekly paragraph for my thesis. I stopped going to school. At the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend he often stayed at my place, we were practically living together. She said "why doesn't he pay for rent" so many god damn times that i asked him for rent. The reason i had not asked for rent was because i didn't want to rush things. But it's like her opinion is smarter than mine so i apply it. It's not. Nobody knows what's better for my life than me. But it's easier said than done. The game changer was that i actually started my own job. I started making money so she cut off the money she gave me to live. After that she called me and said "well i've been thinking a lot about death lately and about growing old. I think it's because you don't need me anymore". I was so furious i can't even tell you. For years she criticised me for not being independant and confident like her while supplying me everything i needed to get by. I was like a puppet. My mother travels alone, goes out every week, changes partners often, is a very lively and beautiful women. I actually am prettier but i don't believe that. For years I haven't done any of these things either as a reaction to her or because i never dared. I stayed in disgusting relationships, slept with people i wouldn't even touch if only i had some trust in me. I hate myself for it.
I now realised that i kind of have been tricked into this. How can i have a thought of my own if my mother thinks everything for me? I have let her into various areas of my life where she shouldn't have been in, such as my relationship and my sex life.(!!!!) I know that one third of the whole thing is cutting it with the person you cling most to, in my case, my mother. But to cut from her i have found another person to cling to; my boyfriend. So what i need to do is regulate my relationship with my mother and try to express myself better with my partner. Try to go do things ON MY OWN, and worry more about my happiness too. It's so hard to let go. I know in me that this relationship is not going to work because we are so different. But i just love him so much. I am also extremely scared of being alone. He's all i have here. And it's my fault. I know that if i had a life of my own, i'd have a happier relationship. But it's hard. especially when at the end of the day, we share nothing in common. Still, i cannot tell you how much i love and admire my partner. I want him to be nothing but happy.
What i'd advise you to do with your wife is force her (yes) to find activities that fill her week;
pinting, pilates, yoga, toastemasters, tenis... Something also where she can socialise and find friends. Organise activities to do together. Find a goal or an activity from which she is responsible; like travelling for example. Make her responsible of it. Share the housework and make her responsible of certain things. And find the one making her dependant. The whole thing about dependant personality i think is the extreme low self esteem and self hatred. So the key element is finding things where she will feel confident and successful, which is hard. Also, i personally wish my partner told me what annoyed him more often. He gets so angry and just explodes at some point.
Sometimes i feel like i'll never be able to change, but i swear, all i want is to change. So many of my friends call me to go out, i always refuse because i want to stay with my partner. But i shouldn't. I never go out alone. I never do any activity alone. All because i had an overly too fusional relationship with my mother who is overly critical yet over protective of me. I admire my friends so much for going out and doing their own things while in a relationship. "That's so healthy" i think to myself. Then, i think of something i can do too, and nothing comes to my mind. I feel so bored alone. Sometimes i think "i should get a shared guard between my partner and my friends", and that just makes me feel so much more horrible, like a helpless child.
Knowing what's wrong with you is not enough to make it stop. But it's a first step. It takes a lot of courage and loooooots of action to change things

Hello. I am on the other side myself. I was recently diagnosed with DPD. It has certainly affected my relationships. I admit that I have to ask for my wife's, supervisor's, or almost anyone else's, approval or opinion before I make a decision or complete a task. I fear rejection, the result of isolation in my failure, or simply making a bigger problem in the first place. I also have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I don't really like living with these labels. Right now is particularly difficult as my sister is dying of cirrhosis of the liver and has isolated herself from contact with others. Both my mother and her do not acknowledge their relationship and it appears that they will never communicate again. My father passed away 12 years ago. He was a rock for me and hence I see how much I was dependent on him. I truly feel like a failure of a person with this diagnosis and that, others knowing of it, will regard all my acts of kindness as disingenuous or manipulative. Though, I truly do try to do things out of kindness and without the expectation of anything in return. Maybe I hope for friendships but do not realize it I suppose. I have also hurt and lost many friendships as a result of my dependency on others including a friendship of more than thirty years. I am 42 years old and cannot believe I struggle with this.