Hello - New Here!

Hello everyone!

I've just joined the forums today and this is my first post, so I thought I would put myself out there to see if there are any other people suffering from the same illness as I am.

I was recently diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder, which was both a relief and also a curse I guess. I can see why I would harbour such a diagnosis; I am often clingy, and rely on others to make big life decisions for me. I hate admitting that as I have a desire to be autonomous in my life, and often portray an image of myself as being strong, independent and ambitious, yet my behaviours and actions prove otherwise.

From the age of about thirteen I feel I have relied strongly on others to 'protect' me from harm. It began with my parents; they were very protective of me and sheltered me from a lot of things. I feel this led me to believe that no matter what situation I found myself in, I would be taken care of as they would always have my back. Don't get me wrong, it is lovely to feel so secure and protected, but I think that what this has ultimately done is spark a chain reaction where I apply these principles to most people I meet. I have always had a strong group of friends, but I distinctly remember that if I met someone with a strong personality I would become very intense friends with them; usually for a short period of time. As a teenager I couldn't pin-point why I did this; many of my other friends would ask me why I form such strong bonds with people in such short periods of time, and I never really questioned it until the last year or so (I am now 25).

Unlike those who hold a diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, I would describe myself as a social butterfly, and love being the centre of attention. I can easily talk to people I have never met and I thrive on giving presentations. Yet whenever I am on my own I feel an emptiness that just cannot be filled. Personally I feel I display many self-indulgent behaviours also; when on my own, I tend to feel extremely sorry for myself and that my life is worthless, and make myself feel worse by listening to sad music and watching sad movies. But it is unrealistic to hope that I could be around people constantly, so I really am at a loss as to how to become comfortable in my own company and combat these intense feelings of loneliness.

To give a specific example of how this illness affects me, I can look back at my last relationship. Two months ago I came out of a two-year relationship in which I depended on my partner almost whole-heartedly. I am ashamed to admit that my group of friends took a back-seat while I focussed all my attention on meeting my partner's needs; like described in Millon's sub-types, I would avoid expressing my opinion for fear of the relationship ending and having no-one to rely on. As I was completely unaware of how needy, insecure and dependent I was, I didn't see that ultimately I was ruining the relationship myself. My partner eventually had enough of my behaviour and cited not being strong enough to deal with my emotions as the reason for our break-up. Naturally, I was heartbroken. I thought my heartbreak was normal, and to some extent it is. However as time has gone on I have realised I actually miss the security and safety more than the relationship, and I have turned my attention to seeking solace from friends and family almost constantly. I moved out of my family home and only managed a week as the loneliness became too much; I needed to be with my parents, the only people I felt I could depend on.

In the time living alone, I found myself constantly waiting for the next visitor to arrive. I could never relax as I would just sit alone with my persecutory thoughts, yet when my friends arrived I would instantly snap out of this mood and feel myself again until they left. It is almost like grieving this relationship has become habit more than anything, and feeling sorry for myself has become the 'new norm' for me; I am aware I am also depending on my friends more than I ever have, and ashamedly feel I am entitled to allowing others to feel sorry for me.

As I write this I am aware of how pathetic I sound; many would say to snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for myself. I agree with this whole-heartedly, but how do I stop these feelings of loneliness? I have been looking for other relationships and have even gone on dates with people who I have no chemistry with, but found myself thinking: "This will do; at least I will have someone". This isn't normal behaviour and it all points to my diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder.

This is a diagnosis I do not want and I really want to overcome; I have achieved things in my life that I am proud of, such as obtaining a Degree in English Literature and a Degree in Mental Health Nursing (which I currently practise - please don't judge!) I want to get through this and have been offered Psychology input, which I hope helps. I am also on anti-depressants, anxiolytics and hypnotics for sleeping. I hope with the combination of psychological and medical interventions I can be the autonomous person I truly want to become.

I'm sorry this was such a long post; it was actually a relief just writing it down and seeing me for who I really am. If anyone would like to chat further about their diagnosis I would love to listen, as I know very little about how this disorder affects other people. This is just my story and I'm aware it may sound self-indulgent, but I am just hoping to meet like-minded people who have a daily struggle with Dependent Personality Disorder.

Sorry, this forum is not active.

You may found more support on the avoidant forum as you posted or on the parent histrionic forum, but the latter is not very active either.

There are other forums here also, for depression, anxiety, etc...