Dementia advice needed - medical, legal, etc.

I need some major assistance. I will try to be brief, but there are some incredible dynamics at play.

My mother has removed my grandmother, who is showing signs of dementia, from the very comfortable assisted living residence that she was at to a non-profit, hole in the wall nursing home facility. I'm sure it could be worse, but this place is pretty bad.

My grandmother has stopped eating because she is still very much aware of her surroundings, very depressed, has nothing to do (no TV, 1 or 2 visitors once or twice a week, not allowed to leave the floor even with supervision, etc.), and in her own words "the food sucks."

My mother has made it clear that she has executorship and Grandma "will not be moved from the current facility."

I am a 32 year-old professional, engaged, with no children. I have had some dealings with Alzheimer and dementia patients, but honestly nothing more than a few hours of visits here and there. I am pretty bright and believe that I understand the task involved and the 24-7 needs of memory care patients. I completely understand the enormous task that I am asking to undertake, and my fiancé is 100% behind me.

My fiancé and I would like to bring my grandmother to live with us. I spoke with the head nurse at the current facility and she said that, other than the slight dementia and sometimes getting agitated at night, there is no reason she could not be in a home environment. Medically, she is doing very well for an 85-year old. Sometimes she loses her balance, but we have her use a walker, wheelchair or assistance at all times as to not take any chances. Our plan is that my fiancé will work part-time and we will hire a full-time nurse to be with her for four weekdays and Saturday (we have a business that is busiest on Saturdays).

Here are the issues:

- The assisted living place that she was at before is out of the question for numerous reasons.
- If I take her out, will I be able to find someplace if she later medically needs to be in a nursing home?
- They are in Virginia, we are in Tennessee. Given the multi-state situation, what do I need to know if this becomes a legal fight?
- Is taking her out of this facility, which is depressing but giving her the "best" medical treatment (which is very questionable given what I've seen), better? My house won't be depressing at all, but I may not be able to provide the best medical provisions (at least, that's what I fear).

For those who have been a similar situation (either legal battle or bringing a loved one needing memory care into a home environment), any advice, information, words of wisdom, thoughts.... ANYTHING... would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so, so very much for reading all of this and any advice you might be able to extend.

I'm sorry for the spot you find yourself in. First If your mom is the exceuter of your grandmoms estate that doesn't give her the right to make these choices for GM. In Okla, Kentucky, and Missouri, if GM knows her name, age, and address, she is considered legally comptent to decide for her self. Get a lawyer and cover the legal bases. Second are you prepared to have your mom mad at you for the rest of her life? Third If GM is competeent and moves in with you her stuff can be moved to your state. SS, retirement check can be transfered. She can also talk to the lawyer to decide what she wants done. Fourth Any state has medical care, hospice when the time comes, to care for her.
Besure you want this commentment because you will find it hard to stop in the middle if you can't take it. One other option is to move her to a home close to you so you can overlook her care. Hope this helps good luck

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