symptoms of DD: need help/insight

Hi, I really need help from those of you who are or have been living with a loved one with delusions. I have to make some decisions about my relationship soon, and I am very upset and torn. My mate and I have been together for 15 months. I knew him a long time ago, and we dated in high school. Then went our separate ways, and reunited when we both went through bad divorces. He told me that his ex was a sex addict who ruined his life, and he was forced into getting a divorce because she wouldnt stop cheating on him. He claimed to have pictures of her doing sex acts with many "well endowed" guys at one time, but he said the evidence was "for his eyes only". I felt so bad for him.

About three months ago, he began to question my fidelity. At first, he would just accuse me of checking out other guys in public, in particular, looking at their crotches and checking out their manhood. I was clueless as to what he was talking about.
I thought he was just insecure from what his ex put him through.

BUT...Gradually, he began to accuse me of cheating, lying, and laughing behind his back. He claimed to have evidence that I was cheating, but when I asked him to prove it, he said the evidence against me was "for his eyes only". He's hired private investigators to follow me without my knowledge. He's moody and intense all the time now. Very paranoid.

One night after sex, he accused me of feeling "stretched out" and "floppy" from having a "big one" in my vagina. I was devastated and depressed to see the love of my life was thinking these things about me. Nowadays, he basically says the same things about me that he did about his ex....that I am an out-of-control sex addict and a liar.

Now he claims God has "revealed" the source of our relationship problems...ME. I need help, etc. He also has accused me of bugging his house, car, etc. and he won't talk on the phone. He asks his mother to come outside at her house to talk (I guess I bugged her house too).

I searched the net and found something called "Othello syndrome". IS this what he has? Or is it DD? Is there hope? Or should I leave now? I love him very much, I always have, but this is driving me crazy.

Does anyone else ever have to deal with the sex issues, especially the vagina thing? This is embarrassing, but I need to know if there are disorders with similar symptoms. He will not get help, because he says I am the one whose sick. He will hang up on me if I try to testify to my faithfulness. He just slams down the phone and threatens to disown me forever. Somebody please talk frankly to me about these signs and the sex issues. My self esteem is so low....I feel like trash right now.

-Thorny
PS....During a period of several weeks, he began to look different to me. It was weird---he looked out of his eyes differently or something, like he wasn't himself. Brooding, psycho, kind of look. Like a serial killer. Sometimes he has this look, and sometimes he looks like his sweet regular self. Is this a split personality? What about this look in his eyes?

I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sure sounds an awful lot like DD to me. If you look at other threads on this forum, you will read very many stories like yours and unfortunately the outlook is not very favorable. If it were me, and if he wasn't willing to seek help, I'd strongly think about leaving to save your own sanity and self esteem. Many of us still deeply loved our DD mates, but left in an act of self preservation. Wish I could paint a rosier picture, but I spent nearly 15 years with a DD spouse and much of your story sounds eerily familiar. They almost always have "evidence" but can never reveal it or if they do reveal evidence, it doesn't make sense. They often weave the people closest to them into their delusions, which is very painful for the person being wrongly accused. My husband also got information from god, thought the house was bugged and definitely had a different look in his eyes when in a delusional phase. Good luck.

Hi~
You could be writing about my ex!!!

Interestingly, i just had my last therapy session with my ex ...he wanted to present all the "evidence" and reasons why he believes i am having an affair with my sister's husband. This has been going on for several years (we were together almost 9 years--he kicked me out of the house a year ago when he was convinced i was allowing my brother-in-law to come in the house so we could have sex while he slept upstairs or when he was gone from work. also said brother in law's friends were driving by the house, that i had bugged the house and phones, on and on...). He also does the God thing too, where he believes he was chosen to help me make better choices and that he is my angel, sent to save me. We had tried couple's counseling a few times, i had hopes that somehow, he could stop accusing me of doing things i didn't do--my list reads a lot like your and most other females on this forum--his position was that if i just confessed that i was having an affair, a sex addict, really into engaging in group sex while wearing short dresses that he said were in his closet (said they were mine), etc that we had a chance to make the relationship work. The therapy session was with my therapist (we did a few sessions together as a couple, i got to tell him how much it hurt to be falsely accused by the man i love--no luck, of course. In our session yesterday, he got to present all the "evidece" that i was having an affair, told her about how i used to have bruises on my body that were from sexual encounters i was having (even though i could explain most of them) --my therapist skillfully led the session to ending up with this being a matter of 2 choices--either i confessed and we worked on that or i that i didn't accept his accusations and we would move on separately. Of course i chose #2...He states he is heartbroken because i didn't choose him, i chose my brother in law (and oh by the way, she is my best friend and he can't even respect or understand that relationship). After he left, my therapist, who is a clinical psychologist and has worked in hospitals, been the director of a university psych program--told me he had delusions, that she now really understands what i meant (although he showed himself the first time he met her when he accused me of giving him a towel that he says is my brother in law's--she told me she was alarmed by that alone and suspected dd). She told me very bluntly that he was not going to change, that med's wouldn't work to get rid of the delusions (maybe reduce the anxiety associated with them--he refuses to take meds) She's right. The delusions are getting worse, (one of the latest ones is that he says i communicate with my brother in law through a fake ebay account--when i said, logically, why wouldn't i simply call him or email him? "records, he says, there's records"...whoaaa). I feel sad about losing the good parts of him, because there were many. and as my therapist pointed out, with this disorder, people are functional in many other areas of their lives and so you get confused, as well as hopeful that it won't last. I now regret not paying attn to the red flags i saw a long time ago--ones where i would say to myself (and others would say when i told them)--he's nuts.

Re the sexual things you discuss, mine did that, and similar things like saying he could tell i was sore inside from a prior sexual encounter (not with him) because i would have an sharper than usual intake of breath during sex...of course i would deny that, he insisted more, you know the pattern...he would sometimes say that my discharge was "semen" and not his or just my secretions. When i logically tried to tell him that it is normal for a woman's discharge to change during the cycle, he of course refuted this logic. There's more but i've written enough already!! Sorry about that.

My advice, like most others on the forum, is to try to get to a place of accepting this is how he is, it isn't your fault--it's his illness, and move on with your life. I've spent a lot of time and money trying to deal with this and i am giving up trying to fix him or the situation. it is time to live my life and find out who i am outside of this crazy relationship. I would get into therapy with a good therapist, for yourself (the therapist i have is trained in the Imago method--see that website for therapists in your state trained in this method). It will help normalize your thinking and get a normal perspective on the situation. I went to a male therapist first (not trained in Imago) and he was supportive but somewhat shaming in his approach ("there's something wrong with your brain if you go back to him"--pretty awful thing to say to a client!!) so shop carefully, maybe make sure they know about the disorder and have worked with this before) I could try to help you find one, too, if you'd like.

Good luck, thanks for listening and write to the forum a lot for support. i know i am going to, i need it while i transition out of the darkness....

I want to express my deepest thanks for the relies to my post. I have decided to leave this relationship, one that I cherished the most. I have cried an ocean of tears in the past 15 months. I have felt like cheap trash, a liar, and my self-esteem is zero. I thought I was alone and insane until I found this forum. This relationship is heartbreaking. It's like riding a rollercoaster with being strapped it. Terrifying.

This whole thing doesn't do much for my health either. There are signs I'm getting sick again after being in remission for a long time.

I have a serious immune disorder with causes my blood componenets to flucuate....resulting in easy bruising. One week, I have many bruises on my legs and arms from very small insults that I dont even remember (grocery carts, my cat stepping on me at night, bumping the dishwasher door????) The bruises appear over very minor pressure, so I don't really realize what happened or make a connection to what caused them---they just appear. Well, he has used the bruises as part of his proof that I am a whore.

I am sick of hearing him say these things:

"if you will just shoot me straight and tell me the truth, we can work things out".

"I can handle the truth....but not lies. Lies make me crazy".

"I won't judge you, that's God's job...I just want you to confide in me and tell me what's going on. Just tell me the truth."

"I already know the truth. I just want to hear it from you."

"If you are in to freaky sex stuff, why not just tell me and let me in on it...maybe I might want to get my freak on too."

"I know you like "big ones". And I know there is no way I can ever satisfy you in bed."

Those are just some of his sayings. He has stalked and followed me and says he has "seen it with his own eyes" (meaning he's seen me with another man), but the scary thing is, I never went anywhere but work and home. That must mean he is hallucinating the other parts. He is paranoid about being followed, bugged, and watched. So hallucinations wouldn't surprise me.

He hears the "angels" telling him what will be in our future if I don't "straighten up and get help for my problems". The angels tell him everything he needs to know about me/him/our relationship.

On Friday, he demeaned and humiliated me in front of his family. I called to tell him I loved him before I went to bed (he was at his mom's house). He cussed me out and hung up, saying it was my fault I was getting treated like this because of all the awful things I've done to him with other men and how I've broken his heart.

I cried and cried. I left him a voicemail telling him it's over, that there is no hope of working things out. I blocked all his numbers on my phone using call-blocking. Unfortunately, I cant block him on my cell phone. But he hasn't called it so far. I am so broken-hearted over all this. He was so precious at first, but now he acts like a scary lunatic. He looks like Jekyll and Hyde ---dark, brooding, suspicious eyes. Every once in a while the sweet look will come back, but not for long.

I cooked dinner for him a few weeks ago. He commutes a long way to work. He was late leaving work. I called him to see how long it would be, so that I could keep the food hot. He lied and said it would be half an hour. A few minutes later, he was at the door with the psycho look in his eyes.

I was standing in the door in an apron, covered in flour...dough on my hands....I smiled and waited for a kiss and a hug, but none came. In fact he didn't even look at me or make ANY eye contact, and he didn't say a word. He just walked right through me like I was a ghost. Went straight back to the bedroom.

I was angry about this insensitive behavior---after preparing a meal and waiting on him to get home, and then getting treated like I didn't exist... When I asked him about his behavior, he didn't say anything ...except he had to go to the bathroom and was in a hurry. We sat down and had dinner. he said the dinner was great. I thought that was the end of it.

A week later, we got into an argument and he accused me of having dinner with another man before he got there that night. Dinner and "other things". After all, the biscuits weren't done when got home that night (I had waited to make them last so they would be hot when he got home). ---AH HA! This was proof I had been too busy with someone else to fix them..

It never ends. The sweet side only lasts about two days, max. Then he cycles back to the DD persona.

Nothing matters to him. He considers no alternative explanations for my "strange" behavior. When my Dad died this summer, I was very depressed, sad, and withdrawn. He said my behavior was proof I was seeing someone else. "It was just your Dad...he was old and sick...you shouldn't be that upset. There is something else going on here....I know it."

How would he know what it's like? He has never lost a parent or a sibling...I've lost both. I can't believe I didn't leave him over this fact alone. This should have been the handwriting on the wall.

Anyway, I haven't even been able to grieve the loss of my Dad because of his stupid accusations. I have to hide my feelings and suck it up.

I guess now that I have ended the relationship, I can start grieving and visit the cemetary without it turning into an affair.
(I haven't been to the cemetary at all since he was buried because it is in the next town and would arouse suspicions).

The sad part of all of this is he is the love of my life, my soulmate, and I never even thought of another man. I was totally in love and committed to him only. He was all I thought about, cared about, and dreamed about. I was so in love with him.

It's killing me to leave him. I hope I can be strong enough to stick to it. If anyone has any ideas on how I can help myself stick to my decision ---any way of making it easier on myself--- please share. I would like to hear of some ways to make the break-up easier. I feel twinges of guilt and I miss his voice already, and it's only been two days.

Thanks for everything,
Thorny

First of all, you are ABSOLUTELY DOING THE RIGHT thing by leaving. Your story is so familiar it hurts. I went back and forth on whether or not to leave, even after I had moved out. A strategy that worked for me was to write down all of the craziness I had been through. Then in moments of weakness I read the list to remind myself of why I left. It still hurts to my very soul, because I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Even after being gone for a couple years, I am still deeply in love with him. Actually, I am deeply in love with the man he WAS, not the man he is. It would be easier if his hollow shell wasn't walking around but it is just that, a shell of the man who used to be. Below is a poem I wrote and posted on another thread. It seems to apply here, too.


Reminders
I still have to remind myself about the paranoia
...and the master plots
...and the evil plans
...and the pain of moving in and out of your "inner circle."

I still have to remind myself about the sleepless nights
...and the real life lies
...and the memory lags
...and the frustration of living in your warped reality.

I still have to remind myself about your obsessions
...and collections
...and meticulous files of god knows what
...and the penalty of disrupting your photographic chaos.

I still have to remind myself about your psychosis
...and its grip on your life
...and on those around you
...and on those yet to come.

I still have to remind myself about all of these things
so I can forget about loving you
...and holding you close
...and sharing your dreams
...and living our lives entwined as one.

I still have to remind myself that the you I once knew is gone
...and can't come back no matter how hard I wish and pray and hope and dream
...and love can't fix it
...no matter what.

I still have to remind myself.

Thank you so much. That beautiful poem says it all...so proufoundly true. If you don't mind, I'm going to print it out and put it on my nightstand. Maybe keep a copy at work too.
I am having a tough time right now.

I don't think I'll ever be over the "him" of 23 years ago....
But I hate the person he is now. Love and hate at the same time. this is total hell.

Yes, I am going to write everything down, starting today. All of the madness, lies, insanity. I feel so weak.

I also feel all alone, but every chance I get I check the forum to see if there is anyone out there who can help me....sounds silly, but right now, these posts from total strangers are all that's holding me together.

He seems totally oblivious to me right now...I guess he doesn't really believe I am gone...he probably thinks I will call in a few days, like I always do.

I am worried --I want to know what others have experienced from their DD partners when they finally left the relationship.
Did the DD person start stalking or harrassing them? Refuse to accept it?

OR did the DD person just let the relationship die and fade away?

Should I expect him to do something crazy? Or will he likely just slink away somewhere, lost in his own little world?

What do the majority of DD break-up survivors go through? I realize nobody is the same, but this disorder has so many common characteristics, I can't help but ask the question.

Please talk to me about this aspect of the break-up process...I'm kinda worried about his reponse --when he realizes I'm really gone this time. FOR GOOD.
Thanks, Thorny

Thorny, yes you have my permission to print out the poem.

Regarding the reaction of the DD person to the break up, I think you'll find that it is widely different for different people on these threads. For some the DD person went on to a new lover and faded out of the picture. For others there were incidents of accusations, etc. by the former DD lover. It just depends. Didn't hear you talk about any prior violent tendencies, so that is good.

Please know that there are many of us who are feeling your pain right now. It is so hard, but you are doing the right thing. No one deserves to live a life with the chaos that DD can bring to a relationship, and unfortunately it rarely gets better / always get worse. You are smart to leave now.

Karen
missingu

Hi, I posted a long reply to the subject of violence, but my server went down and I think I lost it before it posted. I found out recently he has acted violent in the past, but never with me. He just yells and screams at me.

If I had known about the violence in his past, I would have never talked to him. But I didn't know because he kept it hidden.

Thorny

Stay safe.

Another sister. Read my posts. You are where I was at two years ago. Hang in there.
And the stretched out vagina thing - absolutely part of this type of DD - happened to me, happened to others on the forum. My ex even said that the real reason doctors recommend kegel exercises to women was to teach them how to cover up their affairs! When doctors told him that such "stretching" was impossible- there'd be little market for tampons if it were - my ex simply concluded I had manipulated the doctors - and on and on.
I think every DD reacts differently to the breakup. I was told to be on the alert for possible violence, although I'd never seen that in my ex, and it never occurred. I would recommend not being alone with him, and getting a lawyer. My ex and I tried to work out our divorce ourselves, and in the end I did do it myself, but was glad when he got a lawyer so I did not have to deal directly with him. His delusions directly affected our interactions all the time - he would believe I had promised things I hadn't, or we had made deals we hadn't, and would deny agreements we did make - whatever was expedient at the time. The one thing I would do differently would be to get legal advice early on.
One thing I was told and didn't do, but urge you to, is WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. Date it. If you and your husband agree to anything, write it down, sign it, date it, have him sign it if possible, if not, send him a "letter of understanding."
And if you haven't kept of journal of this nightmare, start writing down all the bs you have been through. Whenever I have doubts, I can go back to my three years of journal entries that read like something from Kafka. It helps to stay the course.
It is a bumpy road, but you are not alone in it. That gave comfort to me.