Confused & Hurt

Hi,
This is my first post. My mom actually recommended this forum. My dad is Bipolar/Delusional. She has been posting on & off for a few years now. Currently my dad is out of the house for the 3rd time. I am 17, and it is my Senior year in highschool. I feel like I am the only one my age going through this.
I dont even remember when he was diagnosed, it was so chaotic that I kind of just blocked it out. Its hard to talk about, but after reading some of the other posts I feel that some of you understand what Im going through.
It was years ago that my dad was diagnosed. About 5 or 6 years. I want to be close to him, but after watching the things he's done to our family, its hard to trust him & have a relationship. It seems that over the years, as my father has changed medications multiple times, and seen various doctors, that our relationship has been stretched thin, and now it has finally broke. Now that I am older, I am able to understand the things he accused my mother of doing (he was/is severly paranoid & believed she was having multiple affairs, and even prostituting). Now that I understand I tend to stand up for my mom when they are arguing, or if he throws out some comment about her when its just him & me. He doesnt like it, and I believe that when he's sick he feels that I am a threat as well. However when he's healthy & on his medications he knows that the positions he has put me in are unfair & tries to make it up to me by buying me things, or doing things for me. Or even letting me get away with things that I know he disapproves of. This makes me feel as if he's a flake, and I get angry. I dont know how to fix it between us. Now for the 3rd time he has moved out, and he believes that "sorry" will make things okay. He expects me to just let everything go, and have things go back to what would be "normal"...but I just cant. Then we get into fights because he gets mad that I wont talk to him or give him any time when he comes to visit...and the thing that makes me the maddest is that he follows it with a guilt trip, saying that he knows what he did wrong & he's sorry for that, but I dont know the whole story. I am only 17, and Ive seen more than most will seen in a lifetime, Ive been through more than many people will ever go through...someone out there please tell me they know how I feel?!? Sorry this has been so long, but I just want to know if there is anyone else out there?!

For starters, you are not alone. What your father has is not some rare disease that only 2 people a year get. There are others out there with the same diagnosis

Most importantly, DO NOT blame yourself. From what you say, Im sure you've been trying your hardest over the years to keep things going, but dont blame yourself because of the situation.

You sound like my kids, who are in their 20s & 30s now. Their dad also tries to make up with them using money, has tried to win them over by telling them things about me that clearly are not true (although he no doubt believes them). They have coped by keeping conversations and meetings short and to the point, and cutting him off if he tries to talk about me. "Family" is now really just me & the kids (and their significant others), their dad is now a pretty distant relative they deal with occassionally (after getting together with her dad for Father's Day, one daughter told me, "now I don't have to see him until December"). It is sad, but, like spouses who feel like widows, kids do lose their parents to this disease. You are not alone. Have you talked to a school counselor about this? There may be others at your school with mentally ill parents, might get a support group started, along the lines of Alanon (for kids of alcholics).

check out http://www.sssalas.com/ac.html - a website for children of mentally ill parents.