Does this sound like DD?

Hello all,

I am new to these forums and this board so please forgive if this post is similar to something that has already been posted. Also, I apologize in advance for the length of the post; I want to provide enough detail for people to be able to respond should they desire.

Background: I have OCD and depression and am currently on medication for bipolar 2 (Lamictal) mainly because all antidepressants I've tried have either had nasty side effects or have 'pooped out' after some length of use. However, lately I have been wondering if I might possibly have DD.

I have had depression for as long as I can remember, but my OCD started in earnest again last January (after about 14 years of being relatively symptom-free.) It began with misinterpretations of the Levitical laws regarding 'clean' and 'unclean'. If I saw something that remotely resembled blood, I thought that it just might be menstrual blood and would need to avoid and/or wash. With the support of a minister, my father, and my boyfriend, I managed to convince myself that my interpretation of those Biblical passages was incorrect, and was able to move past that obsession.

Of course, it didn't stop there. Lately, I have been preoccupied with curses and blood. For instance, when getting ready in the morning I check the cotton balls with which I apply toner, the facial moisturizer before I put it on my face, etc. on the off-chance that someone tainted it with cursed blood which was used in a Satanic ritual. Don't ask me to explain WHY anyone would bother to contaminate cosmetic products with blood used in these 'rituals', or even why I think it could possibly bring harm to me; I couldn't give you a logical answer. But the thought keeps presenting itself in different situations, as in the following examples:

A couple days ago I thought that I had not capitalized a letter in the name of a company when recording a transaction in my checkbook register. What if someone at the company cursed anyone who dared to write the company name 'incorrectly'? I cut the offending section of the register out of my checkbook, but then started worrying that when I wrote the letter 'wrong', the pressure from the pen may have left an impression on neighboring register pages which would be enough to bring this supposed curse down on me. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, this particular episode doesn't bother me much now because it has been replaced by another strange thought. This is a pattern I've noticed. Old obsessions often lose much of their strength when a newer obsession presents itself. Good thing I don't seem to be able to concentrate on more than one obsession at a time!

Also, recently I have also been concerned with things on sale being sold at a discount because there was something wrong with them. After all, why give me a 50% discount on a piece of jewelry unless you're just trying to unload it on me because it's cursed or otherwise tainted? I actually told my boyfriend to return a diamond ring he bought for me because the sale price he paid was different from what the sales girl quoted us. Now, she was kind of out of it that day and could very easily have misquoted the price to us. But my mind had to wonder if there was something wrong with the ring and the register rang it up at a discounted price because someone, somewhere, knew there was a problem with the merchandise.

The latest rumination my brain has come up with, is that articles of clothing that I own are tainted with Satanic ritual blood. This came about because I noticed a dark, sticky spot on a new CD which I rubbed off on my coat sleeve without thinking too much of it. Only later I got the idea that maybe it was cursed blood which then would have touched the end of the sleeve of the sweater I was wearing underneath the coat. The sweater sleeve in turn may have touched some new shoes as I sprayed them with weather-protectant that night. FINALLY, because the weather protectant is water resistant/proof, I had this thought that the 'contamination' was now trapped on the shoes, between the leather and the coating of protectant and since washing with water wouldn't clean the newly waterproof shoes, I'd just have to throw the shoes out. (Actually I am wearing the shoes today because I'm convinced that throwing them out will only worsen the thought...but it's still in the back of my mind.)

I know this probably sounds rambling, but I am wondering if these types of thoughts are DD thoughts. It doesn't fit classic OCD symptoms (although washing is often the compulsion I get when I am convinced something is contaminated). I don't hear voices or see things, and I realize these thoughts are irrational (Yes, I have something of a Murphy's Law complex lol). However, the illogical ideas persist. Does anyone with more experience with DD know if what I'm experiencing may be symptoms of DD--or am I missing the mark completely?

Thanks in advance for any insight.

Having experinced DD from my spouse and the notes posted by others on this forum, I can say that what you are describing does sound like DD.

The good thing is that you are still in the stages of doubting your suspicions. The disease will progress to a level that you will be sure of these things happening. Then you will start trying to convince everyone around you.

Since you are on Lamictal, you must have a dr. Tell him/her about these thoughts. Hopefully, he'll put you on an anti-psych medicine (Risperdol, Zyprexa etc) and the progression will stop. If you are senstive to new medication, start with small doses.

Good Luck

Thanks for responding goodwife.

My psychiatrist has actually tried to start me on an antipsychotic because 1.) I don't seem to tolerate and/or experience improvement in my symptoms with antidepressants and 2.) the ideas I have are not 'classic' OCD thoughts.

Until now, I have refused to try any anti-psychotics because I am worried about both the stigma associated with taking such a class of drug, and also possible permanent side effects. I have no problem walking into a pharmacy with a prescription for an antidepressant or even bipolar medication. But it wouldn't be easy for me to hand the pharmacist a prescription for a drug in a class with 'psychotic' as part of the name. Honestly, every time I think of an antipsychotic medication/psychosis, I think of Andrea Yates. I never want to be that unbalanced. In fact I'm scared to death of being certifiably crazy! Yes, it's an ignorant way of viewing the subject, but that is how the thought of being on such a drug makes me feel. If I were convinced that taking an antipsychotic were truly the ONLY way my condition would ever improve--or the only thing that would prevent it from getting worse--I would resign myself to the fact and take the prescription. However...

I have heard that in some cases it may be possible to change faulty brain chemistry with CBT and other non-pharmaceutical methods alone. My own history seems to support this idea. I was able to overcome my first bout of OCD (when I was about 12 years old) without counseling, medication, or even knowing that there was an official diagnosis for my washing/checking/strange ideas. Basically my mother told me to 'stop it'--and I did. I MADE myself stop the weirdness, and the thoughts and compulsions went away; I was symptom-free for many years. Anyway, due to this past experience and my willingness to consciously and logically approach my strange thoughts, my psychologist doesn't believe I need to be on antipsychotics at this point. I really hope she is right.

Does anyone know of a case of DD and/or OCD where significant improvement occurred without the use of medication, or at least the drugs could be discontinued after a time with no relapse experienced?

Yes, significant improvement might occur in cycles without medication. (My experience) But it does not last long. Each time the DD episode comes back, it comes back stronger, and lasts longer. And it gets harder to treat the disease.

As for handing out a prescription to a pharmacist with an antipsychotic drug on it: If you live in a small town where everyone knows eachother, try mail ordering. This makes everything very impersonal. Otherwise, pharmacists are used to this kind of thing. It is business as usual for them, like cutting hair for hair dressers.