Really need advice

Hi. Hopefully someone on here can help. People around me (except a loving boyfriend who doesn't know what to do) really don't want to deal with my DD as it makes them quite uncomfortable. Its been going on for 16 years and its kind of like beating a dead horse. On and on and on.

After my divorce i worked and had a crush on someone I thought loves me, spies on me in my house and car, was waiting for me to "come around", talks to me through songs on the radio and stores. I thought the churches and possibly even God was using the situation to demonstrate faith despite other evidence as well as using the songs to make me a better more, acceptable person. But sometimes to tell me the coworker loved me like I am. Sometimes I get grandiose delusions like God speaks through me or makes the weather pattern my current mood. NOT true; I have been really off and its lovely out today!

The object of my desire made no real moves toward me except inappropriate flirtation (he was a former boss)and I think charged me w stalking or criminal trespassing when I showed up at his house once several years into this. I saw a lawyer and paid a fine. When people don't want to talk about it, I think they are lying to maintain my pure faith in the situation (its not pure faith if you have proof). The same with doctors and counselors.

I have been on at least 9 different psych meds over the years and seen several doctors and therapists. Some of the meds have taken the edge off but not really taken away the core beliefs. I get off them usually because of cost and sometimes I think I don't need them for what they do and don't do.

It doesn't bother me for months at a time but then it really hits. I function at work by compartmentalizing pretty well. I have 2 kids in their late teens who I have tried to hide the pain of this over the years but I am sure it has affected them. Thank God for their grandparents.

Currently I half believe/ half don't, so I am writing before I get beyond help again.

Should I see another psychiatrist (money is an issue)? Talk to another minister since there is a religious component? Know I will be up and down and just concentrate on the good things that are happening and hibernate when I can't function. Journaling was helpful but I thought it was read so I d/c'd it. This has been going on for so long.

By the way, the group stalking posts on here didn't help...they got me headed back in the it IS true direction again. Why would everyone be that horrible to watch and listen and prod? Its painful and my life is really boring...so why??

Sorry so long.

I am not how clear the above is...does it make sense only to me because I live it? I was crazier than usual yesterday and my post seems pretty scattered.

My choices are: -See another psychiatrist and pay out of pocket for therapy/ meds.
- Talk to another minister and see if they can help.
-Concentrate on the really good things I have going on (kids, job, boyfriend, trying to lose weight, etc) and roll with the really bad moments until they go away as they inevitably do.
-My 16 yr old added one to my list yesterday. That I just believe that I am bugged and stalked through the radio openly but basically tell the culprits to F off. They boyfriend agrees w this one too,but its hard when you really want to believe all this untrue!

Thanks again if anyone can help me.

Tomorrow I see a new doctor. With this comes the hope and excitement that maybe all this will finally be over with the right drug/ treatment. Also, with seeing a new doctor, comes the embarrassment that maybe my "delusions" are really true and being foolish about getting and paying for treatment as well as taking drugs for something that is real. Maybe "they" don't want to talk about my situation or talk about treatment because "they" want me to believe it and just wait for it to end. I am not being patient enough, despite my 16 year wait.

Honestly, I think that is why no one has responded to this post. Its is real and what right do I have to be on a forum for people that are really sick.

I guess I am on here, knowing that there may be repercussions if someone I know (like work) reads this, because reading about other people REALLY helps me. I see the parallels in my story and other people's stories on here and think, "OK. Maybe I am only crazy." Even a little bit of doubt in the face of a delusion is a good thing. And that pushes me toward the saner side of the fence. An illness I can deal with; that the delusions may be real, I cannot.

So I hope to continue to write in case maybe another person with delusional disorder sees this and says "Yes, that's me too." Take away some of the shame of hiding it. That's why I use my first name because I do not want to be ashamed of this disorder. With shame you give up the fight. Even with these beliefs, you can function OK...do a good job at work, maintain relationships, raise children and do good things for others.

Rachel
Though I do not suffer from a delusion of any kind and I am very secure in my mental heLth, I feel compelled to respond to you. I feel that perhaps I should be mildly blunt but I hope you don't take it as my being rude or cruel. To be plain, you do indeed suffer from a delusion. Nobody is trying to communicate with you through songs and nobody is spying on you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to accept that your mind is not a completely reliable narrator of your experience, but it is housed in your brain, which is an organ of our frail bodies and therefore is succeptible to illness like any other part of us. There is however, very good news, thank God. And that is, modern science and medicine are available by Gods grace, and I am confident you will find the help you need to leave this chapter in your life behind. I pray that soon, you will look back on this period of your life with the perspective of a healthy mind and be at peace.

Danny

Danny,
Thank you for your words. They weren't rude or cruel. I know its just a delusion most of the time. It just seems completely real, that's all. Medical help is hopeful. But it's just not the first time. The first couple times I went to a doctor about this I was all excited that I would finally be better and normal. This time its just "here we go again". Thanks again.
Rachael

Hi Rachel. I just wanted to thank you for posting your story. I have erotomanic delusions where I think celebrities are in love with me. They write songs about me and speak to me through cryptic messages in various media. In part of my mind I understand that this seems unlikely but in another part of my mind the possibility that it isn't true simply isn't acknowledged. It's not possible that she doesn't love me.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know there are other people like you out there and that I hope you get better in whatever way you can. Good luck, Rachel.

Hi Rachael,
You are definitely not alone. I have had a similar experience as you. I encourage you to stay on the medication. It can prevent things from getting worse. Have you ever considered adding an SSRI? It has helped me immensly. I'm not depressed or anxious now, and I don't obsess over things. I'm a lot more realistic, also. Please, keep us posted with how you are doing. Undone

Hi Knute and Undone,
Thanks for reminding me that I am not alone in this. Shortly after I first posted I went to see a new psychiatrist who put me on an antidepressant as well as an anti-psychotic drug, both of which I have been on but not together. They are working pretty well so far. I still kind of believe my delusions (We had a big snow storm over the weekend. When it was over, I hit my brakes and all the snow from the top of the van that I should have cleaned off came flying over the front. Of course the song "Landslide" came on. It is both funny and truly maddening! It makes me keep on believing.) Anyways, even though I still believe them, I sometimes forget they are there and live for brief periods unaware of the delusions. Its a nice break from them! The doctor may adjust the dosages or not, I don't know. Either way, I am enjoying these breaks and hoping my "saner self" doesn't get off the meds down the road because I am feeling better. I am worrying about doing something dumb like that already. I need to be in this for the long haul.

Hello. This is "Just Rachael" I couldn't remember the name I used then. I came back to psych forums for some help with binge eating and I couldn't help but look for this thread. It's been almost 2 years and I still see that same "new" psychiatrist and take that same med. I haven't had any symptoms of delusional disorder for a year and a half. It seems like longer. It seems like a lifetime ago. If you are struggling with this, keep fighting. Keep trying.

Rachel,
I am so glad to hear things are going well with the medication. I too have DD, the erotomanic type, and I am doing well in life. What I struggle with the most is the pain of realizing the delusions are not real, and that I am not loved. I try to distract myself doing things that I enjoy. I like to read romance, write, walk my dog, and have tea parties with my daughter.
Sunny