delusional wife.....or am i crazy

We had been married for 13 years, it was a first marriage for both of us. We had one child, a son who I think was 6 the autumn I first noticed the strangeness (I'm getting my years confused now, I'd have to check my records). Neither of us have/had any other children. Our son was born with a physical defect which requires some accomodations in school but is otherwise a completly normal kid...he skis, played baseball, and can beat me at chess any time he sets his mind to it.

The September I first realized something was wrong was the year my son started to attend school full time. My ex had stayed home with him (this was a joint decision) but I had always assumed she would re-enter the work force, at least part time, certainly by the time he was in school for 6+ hours a day. As I said she had previously been energetic and ambitious in her career, and she had done quite a bit of very effective volunteer work (fundraising, etc) even after our son was born. But instead the delusions started: People were following her, talking about her. A good friend of hers had broken into our house to steal files off our computer. The principals office at the school was bugged, her conferences with him (it was one of her volunteer jobs) were being broadcast to other rooms so people could eavesdrop. Our cars and the house were bugged. People from our church were following her, etc, etc.

I've mentioned before my ex was never a very trusting person. She has a long history of a mutual scorched-earth relationship with her mother. She is not particularly close to her brother, her only sibling. She probably trusts her father more than anyone else but even he could not talk to her about the delusions. Many of her friends and family would call me out of the blue asking what was wrong with her, I had to tell them I didn't know. Her long work history was checkered with incidents where she claimed cowokers and management were conspiring against her.

(Sorry, I'm having browser issues...I can't seem to post longer replies so I'm breaking them up into multiple small ones).

I always assumed she was telling the truth about her job issues...she worked in a very competitive field. Now I wonder how many of her old stories were true, if any.

I hear you about the appeasement, and about stopping doing the things you want to do, and being with the people you want to be with. I did some of that myself but in the end I decided I couldn't continue down that road. Whatever I did was never enough, and I was losing who I was.

the trust issue thing is extremely similar. i knew my wife always had trust issues. very poor self-esteem. and also a very checkered work history. this may seem to be absolutely nothing, but here it goes. my experience, as well as peytonmannings and dozers all have one other common thread that i can see....our spouses all have (for lack of a better term )unhealthy relationships with their mothers. first question. do you think that the mother in laws have any type of mental illness. my mother in law is a horder and i don't know where to begin on her other issues. secondly do you believe that there is a correlation between these unproductive relationships with their mothers and their illness????? or does the illness cause the unproductive relationships with their mothers. i have heard my wife tell her mother that she hates her and never wants anything to do with her again....but like with any of these issues that doesnt last. she is currently living with mom. just some more questions that i have. how are your spouses self-esteem. my wife is very beautiful. and shouldnt have any self esteem issues. maybe the self esteem is part of the disorder......any thoughts

My former mother in law definitely has issues herself. She can be very generous but can also make life hell for those around her. When I met her she hadn't spoken to either of her living siblings in something like 20 years (she has since reconciled with one of them), the other passed away this last year with as far as I know no contact. She is hypercritical of those around her, especially her husband and daughter. My ex brother in law (my ex wife's brother) basically moved a few hours away and rarely seeks out contact with her.

I have heard my ex-MIL criticize her relatives, my relatives, her neighbors, etc. She just seems to have to eventually think the worst of everyone. I know she has occasional screaming rages whenever she feels slighted. No one in my extended family has ever done this, she has done it multiple times in the 18 or so years I have known her, as has my ex wife.

I did ask my ex brother in law (once he knew what was going on with his sister) if he remembered his mother acting similarly during his childhood (he is the older brother by several years). He didn't think so, but said his mother was hyper-competitive with her siblings and other relatives when it came to things like the holidays. She needed to have the perfect house, perfect Christmas tree, perfect decorations, etc (she has never worked outside the home, not unusual for her generation). He said it made life hell.

By all accounts HER mother (my ex-wife's maternal grandmother) was another nasty, hypercritical woman.

As far as self-esteem my ex wife has also always had problems there.

When I met her she worked at an internationally known mutual fund company. She had her own office, wrote reports that were read throughout the company, and had two people reporting to her.

She constantly insisted she was slighted at work because of her educational background. She went to a perfectly respectable, well-known local university and while not an academic standout her degree is just as good as anyone else's.

She also insisted she was discriminated against because of her ethnic background (3rd generation Italian-American). This at a time when both the Governor of the state and the mayor of the state's largest city were Italian-American.

More recently she has claimed people look down on her because she has ADHD (she has been diagnosed with this. I don't think it has anything to do with the apparent DD). Pretty much everyone and his brother these days has been diagnosed with ADHD...it's hardly the scarlet letter. I doubt most people are even aware she has it.

I think you're on to something. My ex husband had a stormy relationship with his mother. He is an only son and loved his mother dearly. She is extremely possessive and I suspect they may have had an incestuous relationship. She almost told me in the midst of a heated argument and the closer she got to saying it the more he started to scream "Shut-up mother", pushing her out of the door. They didn't communicate for quite some time because she refused to acknowledge me or our children. She abused him emotionally by shutting him out of her life, almost like he now treats me.Ironically at 58 years old, he now lives with her. She told me a couple of years ago that she had been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. She was delusional, talking to her self, thinking everyone was talking about her and jealous of her, just like him. This disorder also manifested itself at the same age he started acting out. After Hurricane Katrina, they started to communicate again. She took advantage of the situation and put it in his head that I was being unfaithful. He had to come back to N.O. before me because his job called him back. Our teaching force were all fired so I had no job to come back to. I'd signed a year contract to teach in ATL and wanted to fulfill my contract, then come home in the summer to find another job. We still had bills to pay in two cities. He was never the same after Hurricane Katrina, our lives uprooted. I think that event caused him to go over the edge, because in retrospect, I now realize he's had a problem for quite some time. It used to be little episodes and he'd say something was wrong with his head. He'd come home in the middle of the day and demand that I remove my underwear so that he could inspect them. I'm a teacher and would be at home during the summer, but the episode would pass and he'd apologize and say it was because he loved me so much. I still cry when I think about it. I think if he would have tried to get treatment at that time, then maybe I could have saved him, but you can't tell him anything. Nothing could posssibly be wrong with HIM. His mother constantly bashed him for the lack of communication and has him on a huge guilt trip, so even though he's miserable living with her, he feels she's owed something. When my daughter talks to him occasionally, they are screaming and yelling at each other. She wants total attention, constantly calling him for minor things while he's on the phone with his daughter. Her aunt told me when SHE was little, their grandmother begged her mother to seek psychiatric treatment for her. She was really mean to him.

i hope as other people read this we can really find out some more information on the role of the mothers.....maybe it's just coincidence but i am beginning to wonder. i am also hoping to look more at the self esteem issues.....which most likely stem from the formative years in which the mothers would be very involved in. peytonmanning did you instigate the divorce???? the other thing i wonder is the personality type of the spouse of someone with DD. i look at my situation where i am a total non-confrontational type and look back at this situation and think i was probably the biggest enabler of this as i would always apoloize and try to smooth over the situation.( i believe the sorry from me was to make it go away....and sometimes it did....because it gave the delusion credibility to my spouse) any one else feel the same way about this????

MHLONEWOLF72 wrote:... peytonmanning did you instigate the divorce???? the other thing i wonder is the personality type of the spouse of someone with DD. i look at my situation where i am a total non-confrontational type and look back at this situation and think i was probably the biggest enabler of this as i would always apoloize and try to smooth over the situation.( i believe the sorry from me was to make it go away....and sometimes it did....because it gave the delusion credibility to my spouse) any one else feel the same way about this????

Yes I did instigate the divorce. That was another aspect of her lack of initiative. At her worst she would scream things like "I hate being married to you, so why don't you divorce me!". Usually the person that wanted a divorce would go out and get it, right? At the time I was still trying to figure out ways to get her help, so it was a relief to realize she wasn't going to follow through on anything. If any change was going to happen it was going to come from me. I did when I decided I couldn't help her, and that even when she wasn't openly delusional our marriage wasn't worth saving. Then I was able to do things on my own terms and timetable.

I'm somewhat non-confrontational, maybe not quite as much as you describe yourself. I prefer to live life (especially home life) without a lot of conflict. I will stand up for myself though and I rarely apologized to my ex for something I knew was BS. I'm a very rational, logical person and have a low tolerance for it (conspiracy theories and such).

I don't know if it's significant but my father is/was an alcoholic...he hasn't had a drink in decades but apparently used to have quite the problem, including for a good chunk of my childhood. I think avoiding confrontation is a hallmark of children/family members of alcoholics.

just want to take a minute and vent at something that happened recently. on new years day i sent my wife a text message, which i always try to do(someting nice to let her know i still love her and do not want a divorce) so here is what i sent: i just want you to know, that when i tell you that i love you, i dont do it out of habit, i do it to remind you that you are the best thing to ever happen to me: i love you......her response was: thanks.
following the response is a question. why was your friend sending you emails to pharmacy websites( on occasion when my wife would go through my computer or phone at 3:00 in the morning she would find in the deleted mail this spam crap wich we all get. but because it showed from my friend it meant that i must visit these sites or need their products or my friends send this to me which are all untrue) so she says wy did he send you these e-mails and she really wants the truth because it as been bothering her. i replied they are spam emails. i will do anything to get you to believe me. to wich she responded: so what you are telling me is someone else is sending e-mail using your friends name and it is not him??? to which i replied: exactly.
she responed by saying she just couldn't possibly believe it and we should talk about someting else. i absolutely hate the fact that no matter how obvious a situation is the DD can twist it and put it back. sorry sitting in the airport waiting for my delayed flight. i just don't know how to ever gain the trust.......is it even possible

My wife used to question me about the porn spam I would occasionally get, but after she started getting the same ones to both of her e-mail addresses, she accepted that I was telling the truth.
Then again, that was well before her DD started making itself obvious. (and she's more of a DD-P anyway)

But to the other recent points. Her mother did clearly have some issues, the best guess is Borderline Personality Disorder but she passed away about 12 years ago, so we can't be certain. Their family life wasn't entirely functional, but it seems that my wife had a more stable childhood than either of her older (half) siblings.
3 kids, 3 fathers. All alcoholics. At least one was a "mean drunk".

Still, I don't know if that counts as nature or nurture?

The best I can do for our kids is to try and make sure their childhood is as stable as possible.
And that means, making sure my wife sticks to treatment this time when she gets out of hospital, and making sure I look after myself and not get ground down by the pressures of my wife's DD and Depression.