delusional wife.....or am i crazy

first let me start of by saying that today is our 16th wedding anniversary. we are currently seperated, and she is 400 miles away.
i am new to this forum but have read many thing that help me, but i am still left wondering many things. i spend so much time beating myself up for not being the best husband i can be, some of the time being so angry because i believe i can see the problems, but cannot fix them. here is the dilemma.
i believe my wife suffers from some sort of delusional disorder. i have been accused of affairs, taking and hiding her car keys, her cell phone and credit cards. if i find any of her misplaced items either by her words or actions, i found them because i took them. she never misplaces them, or always has a routine of putting them in the same place. she also does this to our children. this is the mild stuff. she believes that i do not love her, because if we are out in public and i look at an attractive woman she fells that is not acceptable in our relationship, and if i loved her i wouldn't look at other women. i have always thought my wife was just a little different more of an all or nothing, black and white type. i on the otherhand am a complete fixer, and non-confrontational type. over the years if the phone rings and no one is on the other end, or it hangs up it must be someone (another affair) calling for me, and because she answers the phone they hang up. i have been followed, and accused of affairs with every female co-worker(3). i have denied the affairs, but she still believes. i have even got to the point that i have admitted to talking too much to these women just to try to make it go away. there are these 10 or so instances that my wife holds onto like gospel that she reverts back to when there are problems. 12 years ago i was supposed to take her to lunch, but got lunch through a window for my buddy instead. i don't remember most of the things as she does, but i typically just try to apologize and make it go away. she has left me because i will never get any better. my wifes mother is a hoarder, and i believe the mental illness could be related. if my wife believes someone looks at her funny or says something innocent it is always taken as wrong. also in every instance she will go the the worst possible,negative outcome. i want desperately to get her to couseling to help our family, but she says i am just tryig to prove her crazy, and i am such a good liar that i can make a trained professional believe all my lies. when i went to my therapist to start delaing with this she researched him and said he's a psychotherapist and i'm trying to prover shes crazy. i stopped going and thought my luck was the worst ever until i realized psychotherapy is a general term. she quit going to church because she believed people we talking about that she was a pedophile(long story). i have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter that are with me and a 3 year old adopted son that lives with her. for the last month and a half my daughter will not even speak to her mother because of the way she feels i am treated. i just want happiness for all, and want to fix it but don't know how. i would appreciate any feedback and will give out more specific info if anyone thinks they can help. she told me yesterday as soon as she can legally file for divorce she will...please help

Are you sure she is not Borderline Personality? The extreme insecurity and paranoia that you are trying to prove her to be crazy, they just make me wonder. Was she a middle child or abused/neglected in some way? You might want to hop over to that forum and look at the symptoms, although I will warn you some of the characterisations of borderlines are horrid. Others are optimistic and generally once the person realises how they are acting they can begin to adjust a bit, although the insecurity will always be there (something from childhood). There are a TON of good books on it, she can get better. I know that I should be feeling bad for you right now but right now I am feeling worse for her. Trust me,nobody wants to sit around and constantly suspect their spouse of having affairs, it is extremely painful.

Hi lonewolf. I'm not a frequent contributor here but I am living the same nightmare as you are. With my wife, it happened all at once almost exactly 4 years ago. Our marriage is in shambles at this time and I don't know where it is going. I, like you, am the appeaser. I would just apologize or say I didn't do it and think it was over. But it's never over and probably never will be.

I've been accused of affairs, of gaslighting (look that up), of surveilling her every move, of skipping work to do whatever, and of having a plan to dump her as soon as I can. All are not true. I love her dearly and now feel like I am taking care of her more than being married to her. We've been married 23 years with all this drama starting 4 years ago. So we had 19 years of wedded bliss before that. No conflicts, nothing. Then, all of a sudden, I am a liar, a cheater, and a schemer. We now sleep in separate rooms and live like roomates. It kills me every day.

I think it's Delusional Disorder but I will also look into Borderline Personality too.

Keep reading these posts. You'll find that we have little hope.

thanks for the input. here are a few more notes concerning the situation. yes she is a middle child (sort of). her parents each had childern from previous marriages. she was the first from her parents marriage. she is actually #6 of 10. she also claims to have been molested by her brothers when she was younger, but her mother, and the brothers claim it never happened. also about 4 years ago her parents were involved in a tragic car accident which killed her father. she has said many times that he was the only one that really loved her. i think this was something that triggered a much more paranoid person. i just know that she absolutely doesn't trust anything i say, doesn't think i am being honest about things in our relationship. i will look more at the borderline personality forums. i also looked at paranoid personality disorder, and it sounds a lot like what is going on too. bottom line is a trained professional needs to make the call. getting her there will be the toughest part. right now she wants a very simple uncontested divorce. i dont want a divorce, but am wondering if i were to contest if i could force a psychiatric eval as part of the legal proceedings. i just want to get her the help. i still hope that somehow i am the problem, because i can fix me. but reality tells me i'm never gong to be able to "get it right" and the next blow -up is just around the corner.

dozer.... was there any type of traumatic event or something that you recall that may have triggered this????? if i can help you in any way i would look forward to the support. sounds like you know wher i am coming from. i hope things can improve for you. you will be in my prayers.

I would say yes. A combination of many things. Most significantly, her Mom had a stroke and came to stay with us one summer. Her Mom was VERY obstinent and belittled my wife for several months. She finally went home. I think this triggered some childhood memories that my wife had buried. Add to that our 1st child leaving the home for college. And add to that her entering menopause (although she won't admit it). I think a tide of "life stuff" hit her all at once and she snapped.

The reason I go with DD is that to everyone else, she is the same or even more personable than ever. But to me, well, she's convinced that I am evil. Everything that happens is my fault or caused by me. Losing stuff (similar to you lonewolf), leaving lights on, forgetting things, all my fault. It's funny in that I'm currently suffering from some pretty serious health issues and she's still convinced that when she leaves the house, I have someone over to visit with me. She's sure of it. She's also convinced that when I leave the house (for work, the store, whatever), that it's a rendezvous of some type.

I did get her to go with me to a marriage counselor but he was just that: a counselor. He facilitated discussions but he wouldn't make any judgements. He said that my wife was showing some peculiar traits but short of the government or aliens stalking you, he didn't think her traits were bizarre enough to warrant further evaluation. This made things worse as she took that as a "clean bill of health". Yet she still has to barricade herself in her bedroom every night "for safety". She is convinced that I did things to her at night while she slept.

I've since tried to get her to talk with someone and she always responds: "I am talking with someone and getting all the help I need". I've since discovered what I believe she is doing is going to a domestic abuse support group because that is also what I am doing: Domestic abuse.

So I've put the burden back on me. I can either live with her or move on. Right now I'm trying to cope and most days, we are all good. But there is always an event that occurs that sends her back into her bunker. That's our life right now.

dozer....boy do i feel for you. while my wife doesn't barracade herself away from me(at least she didn't before she left) she would lock herself in the room or closet for periods of time. over the last about year she has changed form a non swearing, non drinking church going woman to a foul mouthed, non-church going, drinker(not major, but some). it is a complete 180 from what she has been for the first 35 years of her life. i have been shoved, hit with notebooks, pillows and her anger at me occasionally boils over into rage....all the while i keep calm and try to get her to relax. which now she says is another of the reasons she is leaving because i am to controlling. one time not to long ago in an arguement she stormed into the bedroom and locked the door, i had enough and put my shoulder into the door and broke the door jamb and the door came open. now the stories are she doesn't feel safe and tries to make our kids think i am bad. she has thrown remote controls into the wall, smashed our digital camera on the tile floor...... but i am bad for breaking the door...i probably shouldn't have, but i was hoping a showing of this type might trigger something posititve....guess not. i have tried to block out a lot of these episodes, and for the longest time just dismissed them(before it got real bad). i remember once on a trip we took....she asked me if i was going to have her killed. i was dumb founded....she said she didn't know what i was capable of. i guess i should have not dismissed all the thins as quirky and kept notes. does your wife threaten divorce or just treat you like a room mate.

My wife does not threaten divorce, but she continues to ask me if that's what I want. We are both somewhat religious and are committed to our marriage. Yet she doesn't want to move forward (or she can't move forward). And I can't blame her because from her perspective, we won't be able to move forward as long as I keep committing all the sins for which I've been accused. Her rationality lense is all askew and in her mind, she really believes that all these things have happened. OR, it's a convenient reason for her not to commit to moving forward.... So I always ask her: So what are you going to do about it? If I'm so bad, why don't you leave? Why don't you throw me out? And she comes back to God and that is not what we committed to do (leave each other). Yet we do nothing to fix "us", she only does things to protect "her". Because that is always the advice everyone gives out: Take care of yourself!! So that is what she is doing. So we are room mates with her having enough fear of me to avoid me most of the time. I work during the weekdays and then she has activities she does out of the house at night. So we can go days without really speaking or seeing each other. My health issues have forced us to do some things together but as she says, it's out of "courtesy" that she supports me.

My wife never got violent by throwing things, etc, but I believe she did have a breakdown a couple years ago. That almost ended the marriage and that was when I was able to get her to see a marriage counselor. I am very careful not to do things that can be construed as "abusive" or that she can put in her notebook "in her own twisted words".

So I am being patient and I try to be loving, but I'm sure something is going to breakdown soon. I may soon be put into a position where I will be forced to decide between my marriage or my health. I'm already thinking about how that might play out.

have you thought about some therapy for you......not because you are bad but to find some tools to help deal with it. i am very much ike you in the respect that i am somewhat religious and feel that keeping the family together is vital.(even though my 14 year old daughter would disagree). i am going to revisit my therapist today. i am hoping he can give me the tools to help me deal with this better. i don't want to see my marriage end, but the more i really think about it, if it is never going to change, even if i could become the husband my wife feels i should be, what does this dysfunctional cycle do to my children. you mentioned your oldest going to college, do you have other children at home???? if so how do they feel about the situation. my 16 year old son recognizes mom has some issues, but is a fixer like his dad, and just wants everything to be good. my daughter on the other hand is very upset and thinks her mother is mental. 6 months ago my wife left emptied the savings account(so she could start a new life). and a month later came home(yes, i wanted her to come back because i was going to change and be better). 6 more months of ups and downs.....thats the weird part some times things were good...really good. our intimate life was never better, which is hard for me to understand being that i am unfaithful as she sees it. my reccommendation is to get yourself into some therapy. i have a member of my church who is a psychologist of sorts who works with kids with drug abuse problems, and he says i suffer from battered wife syndrome(or husband). and that i will continue to go back and do what ever i can. i fear it's true. but knowing and being armed with the information is helping me to realize better that i am more of a victim than perpetrator. i apprecite your input

As a woman can I chime in again here? When I hit 37/38 something changed in me, and I think its hormones mostly. It is very ugly what I feel sometimes, and sometimes I am convinced my husband is cheating and wants to leave. Sometimes it is very hard to control my moods and I hate it. I suspect that whatever is going on with your wives is similar to what is going on with me, only maybe it has been easier for me because I had "warning signs" most of my life that something wasn't right, and I knew that my childhood affected me still. I do know that childhood events (especially when another person denies they happened, as with the molesting step-brothers) can be really traumatic when they are never fixed. And when they get retriggered (as in the belittling mother) that can bring up all kinds of nasty insecurities. Have you guys tried therapy with your wives by a psychiatrist, you know, together? Although my husband tried to get me to go to one and I felt like he was threatening me and attacking me. Boy aren't I helpful.