delusional wife.....or am i crazy

i appreciate the womans perspective on this......here is some more information which may prove to prove this theory out. about 7-8 years ao my wife needed a total hysterectomy( she claimed she was constantly hurting....we could find no medical problems, but our primary care physician felt hysterectomy was the way to go, and my wife agreed) anyhow about a year ago (approx) she decided that her hormone replacement (premarin) was making her fat becasue she was up to 125 lbs. so she quit taking her pills.
a few weeks ago i asked our primary care doctor if he could talk about her( no due to privacy law) so i asked hypothetically if a woman who had had a total hysterectomy was not taking her medicine could cause this and he said no not likely. i proceeded to ask if this same person had some underlying mental illness and stopped taking meds would that possibly cause the behavior, and he said that was very likely. as far as getting her to go see someone, if i even bring up that she is delusional or crazy she becomes very upset, and replies even if she was it is because of my actions that have made her that way. i am heading to therapy......

Wow so there ARE hormones involved. You guys have it easy, except that you have to deal with us.

An underlying mental illness could be triggered by hormone changes, now that is very interesting and helpful for me so thank you for that. I just keep thinking "what the hell HAPPENED to me?" and now I guess that might be the problem, perimenopause causing my problems to worsen fairly quickly.

Well I do hope you can get therapy and maybe your wife will stumble upon this thread and see herself in it.

Lonewolf, I have received therapy for myself. Most of it was an affirmation about my situation and recognizing that I was handling it the best I can and that I clearly understood my options. I continually educate myself about this disorder so as to be prepared for anything. Alistair Munro has written several books that are very helpful. I suggest you do the same. Continue to educate yourself. The people on these boards are helpful as well.

But in the end, the outcomes are never very pleasant. I had to realize that the good days are gone and the 19 years of perfect marriage bliss are just a memory. Reality today is a constant struggle just to get through the day. I enjoy the good things we do together and brace myself for the next episode. I understand her rationality lense is broken and I understand the person that tries to hurt me regularly is not the woman I married. She peaks out every once in a while and those times are good.

I mentioned on another thread that my wife makes many threats. But she never follows through on any of them. It's all part of this disorder where she cannot take responsibility for anything she does. She has never done anything wrong and will not take responsibility for anything. It's amazing that she feels NO remorse. So actually following through on a threat can only occur if somehow I instigated it. I try to avoid instigating anything. Early on, I would react (and sometimes over react) to her threats thus giving her a reason to blame me. Now I don't react nearly as much. I am very defiant that I did not move her blouse in the closet and I ask her to stop accusing me of it. That's all I say. When she then rewinds the tape and plays all the oldies but goodies, I just ignore her and tell her to move on. Trust me, she's got quite a treasure chest of oldies but goodies after 4 years of this.

So in your situation, I would tell your wife to proceed with the divorce and see if she follows through. She did leave and move away so she has taken some action. Or maybe instead of telling her to proceed with the divorce (which in her mind will make it your idea), I would just tell her to do what she has to do. I would remind her that I love her and would like her to come home but I understand if she feels like she has to proceed. This puts it all on her and I bet she does nothing. It's a risky card to play but I think you have to realize that the good days are already gone. Time to deal with today. We did nothing to cause this so guess what: We can't fix it. My opinion.

FIRST I HOPE THE HORMONE THING IS A POSITIVE HELP. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF ANYTHING COMES OF THIS. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY POSITIVE NEWS. DOZER YOU HAVE HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD...AFTER ANOTHER VISIT WITH MY THERAPIST, AND HAVING HIM TALK WITH MY KIDS LAST WEEK, PROGNOSIS IS STILL NOT GOOD. HE HAS LOOKED AT MY SITUATION FROM THAT OF A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR AND SAYS THERE IS NOTHING IN HERE THAT IN HIS WORDS ISNT "WORKABLE". FROM THE PSYCHIATRY SIDE HE GETS OUT THE TEXT BOOK AND MY OPINION OF MY WIFE IS A RESOUNDING PERSONALITY DISORDER. (NO REAL POSSIBLE DIAGNOSIS WITHOUT MY WIFE OF COURSE). HE TELLS ME THAT PERSONALITY DISORDERS ARE WORSE THAN MANY OF THE OTHER THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT USUALLY FIXED WITH MEDICATION. HE TELLS ME IF I WANT TO CONTINUE TO COME TO COUNSELING TO FIX MYSELF HE WILL BE HAPPY TO HELP, BUT THAT MAY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM GIVING UP ON MY RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE TO ASK MYSELF AT THIS POINT WHAT RELATIONSHIP DO I HAVE. DOZER YOU MY FRIEND I WILL NOW REFER TO AS SAINT DOZER, BECAUSE I AM SURE YOU DESERVE IT. I WILL READ THE BOOKS AND TAKE YOUR ADVICE. I WAS CONTEMPLATING WRITING A LETTER TO MY WIFE SAYING THE KIDS AND I THIMK YOU NEED HELP......BUT IT WOULD PROBABLY RUIN ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT MY KIDS MAY EVER HAVE WITH THEIR MOTHER. I SHOULD LET THAT BE THEIR DECISION. DO YOU STILL HAVE KIDS AT HOME..IF SO HOW ARE THEY DEALING WITH IT

We do have 2 children: 1 just moved out after graduating from college and getting the 1st job. Our 2nd child is a freshman in college. So we are basically empty nesters now. We have not changed our relationships with our children and I have not "trashed" their mother in front of them. And I don't think she has trashed me in front of them either. They know something is wrong but we don't talk about it with them so I don't know their opinions. They both are focused on launching their own lives and we are supporting and loving them. I don't know if that is healthy or not but that is how we are dealing with it. We had a very visible fall out a couple of years ago where I'm sure my wife had a break down. She called the police to the house to arrest me and they interviewed child #2 on the front lawn in front of friends. That had to be traumatic and had to raise questions about mom. But we've reconciled over that and just get along enough to keep the house pretty quiet so the kids are happy. By the way, there was no real reason to call the police and was instead a very embarrassing moment.

As for the hormones, they definitely play a part in my opinion. But it doesn't explain why men also suffer from this unless a testosterone imbalance is also a plausible cause.

maybe the hormones are not the issue at all. i keep looking forthe magic bullet that might bring things back to normal. i applaud you for being able to keep the kids sheltered from the problem as well as you did. did your wife ever think weird or un-trusting things about the kids. mine would always wonder about friends, and where they were going. that she thought they might be using drugs...all very probable, but it was never ending. most of the time she had some negative view or suspicion about everyone and every situation. i'm so very glad that your kids are grown and that it hasn't caused them any damage. i worry about that a lot with my children. they have seen enough and want it better, but unless it can be better they don't want us together. i hope my willingness to overlook the issues hasn't caused them problems later in life. they have had a lot of the same "blame game" put on them, but no where near the amount that i get. my other problem which causes me great concern is my 4 year old who is with mom. first i feel like if i was to try to pursue some sort of full custody, i struggle with taking our son from her, becasue she is a good mom and i personally am afraid of what that would do to her(it's not her fault the way she is ...right??). communication with my son is tough becasue to talk to him i have to talk to her. if she wants to talk to my 2 she just calls their cell phones. i just need to get over it i guess, but almost every conversation with her is ... why did you let it get to here....why do you want to try now... i have given you multiple chances to change. i can hardly take it...but i have to to have a relationship with my 4 year old. i keep praying that the lord will make things better. maybe by her leaving he already has.....did you find that when you went to therapy and were doing the research, that finding out its not your fault, and there is really nothing you can do about it actually made you feel worse......it does for me. hopefully with time i will feel differently. thanks for the input....please keep it going

There's been so much interesting stuff in this thread, I'm going to try to speak to a few things I noticed:

Lonewolf you asked in one of your earlier posts if you could force her to get a psychiatric evaluation as part of custody proceedings. A lot depends on what jurisdiction you are in (US State, or country). Where I live (Massachusetts) my experienced divorce lawyer told me that unless there was evidence of outright abuse or neglect of our young son on my wife's part (there was nothing close to that) it would be very unlikely that I would be awarded custody. I believe also that most judges would insist on a psychiatric evaluation of both parents, so be ready for that.
My advice to you would be to find a lawyer who has experience in family law. I was able to get a referral to a lawyer in my state who had experience in having people committed against their will...this was just an option I wanted to be ready for in case I needed it. As it turned out my ex never quite got to the point where this was necessary. When I made the decision to go ahead with divorce proceedings on my own I chose this same lawyer to represent me. I had been impressed in my interactions with him, he was already familiar with my situation, and he had a lot of divorce experience (many more lawyers have done divorces than have done involuntary commitals). Most lawyers will do a 1st time consultation meeting for a small fee, at the end of that time you should have a good understanding of your options, and the likely outcomes if you decide to go with them. You don't then need to follow through but at least you have information.

In my own case neither my wife nor I were/are particularly religious. I did love her at one time (and I think she loved me) but the intervening years had ended that, the nasty, bitter, accusatory person I was married to was not someone I wanted to live out the rest of my life with. It was a long decision process but in the end an easy one.

A couple of people have mentioned the lack of initiative those with apparent DD seem to have. I have absolutely noticed this myself. My ex used to be quite energetic and ambitious, both in her personal and professional life. The last 5 years or so she has not really been able to do anything on her own aside from going through the day to day motions of taking care of the minimal needs of herself and our son.

One of the very early signs (in retrospect) that something was up with her was the summer before the fall where she first became overtly delusional. I was working full time, she was home full time with our son (he was seven at the time). We were having central air conditioning installed in our house and were having (real) problems with the contractor. Nothing really excessive, they just wanted to do a half-@$$ed job and charge us a premium price for it. My wife (whose background in her previous professional life was that of a Project Manager, for crying out loud) could. Not. Deal. She would call me at work telling me I had to call so and so and tell him this, or the crew was or wasn't doing that, or the air conditioning wasn't working properly so I had to call someone. I was working 50 hour weeks, with two hours of commuting each day.

Oddly since the divorce has proceeded and I've moved out of the house she seems to have been able to focus on other things better. She is cooperating on getting our old house sold, and finding herself a new place to live. It's almost as if she realizes she doesn't have the "luxury" (I don't mean that literally, but I can't think of a better way to describe it) of using up all her energy chasing imaginary ghosts, and she has to focus on herself now, because no one else is going to take care of her. (She has made it quite clear she doesn't want any help from me, so my conscience is clear.) But she used to spend all her time imagining what a horrible person I was, making my low six figure income so she could stay home full time and our son could attend a nice private school.

The last thing is about the involvement of hormones in all this. I think it is really obvious to any regular reader of this forum that this is by no means only a female issue, so "hormones" as such can't be the only cause.

What I keep coming back to is the idea of the complexity of the human mind. We don't really understand how the "mind" works when it's working properly. Indeed there is only a minimal scientific understanding of what the "mind" (as opposed to the brain or nervous system) even is.

All of our memories, responses, emotions and subjective thoughts are generated in a few pounds of a very complex mass of nerve cells marinating in a virtual stew of powerful neurochemicals, which is at the mercy of such things as genetics, environment, injury, disease, age, etc.

A lot of things need to happen correctly for everything to be more or less normal, and only one thing needs to go wrong for there to potentially be problems. So hormonal changes could certainly be a cause in some cases but it can't be the only one, or even necessarily the main cause. It's really a wonder things don't go wrong more often.

peytonmanning....thank you for the info. if it is not too intrusive might i ask how long you have been married and more about your story...as in when things got bad...was it always like this or did it happen out of the blue.. was there a traumatic event that my have triggered it. i keep looking for some common thread that by which this could all make sense....i hope.
i do feel the hormones are at least a catylist in this. i wish i knew more about the mind, but it is so complex. as far as the loss of drive...that has been my wife exactly for the past year. i cook,clean, run the kids, she worked off and on but had exception with the places she worked ( she thought the people were dishonest and she couldn't work for a business that was taking advantage of people) she would tell me she was depressed but when it cam time to find help..not interested. thats when the biggest changes in her belief system(as i refer to it) changed. the swearing was unbelievable. from a girl who wouldn't even hardly watch a pg-13 movie(and never an r) to a swear all the time. in front of the kids...it didn't matter. did your wife have the same issues with your children, or was it all on you. you seem to have made peace with the outcome.....i wish i could see a positive in my case......maybe given some time i will see how much happier i and the kids are without this in my life. i had shut down all my personal happiness in an attempt to appease her ( at least i thought that is what i was doing) i turned away from all my friends, quit playing and umpiring softball, my co-workers, my family...all had to be put on the back burner(because she had issues with all of them). i was so afraid to hardly communicate with anyone. i can see the person i used to be starting to come back, and that is good. i just wish i could have it all.