Does My Wife Have DDJ

I went through this in 2001 and still feel sad. My husband, 1 month before our 25th wedding anniversary, asked me if was cheating on him. My kids were planning this big surprise party for us and this was happening. I couldn’t tell them because they would have been devastated. This was to be a wonderful time in our lives and he was accusing me of this. He had never been the jealous type throughout are whole 25 year marriage and now he was sure I was cheating on him. Of course I was not cheating and told him so. It just got worse and worse as time went by. It got so bad with his accusations first I was seeing someone from work, than I was seeing friends, then people from the past. He even said my mom and brothers were helping me to get rid of him so I could be with this person. My family was all he had since he relocated from Illinois 30 years ago to marry me and they were like his own so it was hard when he started behaving that way towards them. He didn't believe anything was wrong with him. He turned on my family and his own children who were young adults by this time. He would leave for work in the morning, and come home before I got up for my job thinking he would catch me with someone. He said I had people following him, he told the kids he saw people leaving our house and my lovers car parked outside, they knew this wasn’t happening they live with us at the beginning of all this and knew no one was there. He said he put a tracking devise in my car and new by the mileage I was going to a hotel with my lover on my lunch hour. It was horrible. For 2.5 years I put up with this, him accusing me, telling things to my kids, when they tried to tell him this wasn’t happening they were taking my side. I was turning them against him. Soon he believed our kids weren’t his and I didn't just start cheating but have been cheating our whole marriage. He told anyone that would listen what I was doing and how I was cheating on him. He even said he went to our priest and talked with him about an annulment, when I met with the priest to explain he said that my husband had never been there.

We did go to therapy, with lots of talking I could talk him down to where he almost believe me or at least question what he was thinking but this was so exhausting for me. H agreed to go to counselling and was put on medication which he would take for awhile but then he would go off. He would say I paid the doctors off to tell him he was sick and have them put him on medicine so I could drug him and he wouldn't know what was happening. I was always walking on eggshells. Finally after the third time he went to a lawyer for a divorce I had enough and told him to continue with it if that is what was going to give him peace. The doctors said there was nothing I could do to make him believe me, he believed what his mind was telling him and without medicine and counselling he wouldn’t get better.

We divorced and he moved to Illinois where his family is from. That was 8 years ago. The first couple months there he called my kids who were in their 20’s and had their own homes by then and told them I gave him AIDs. Can you imagine he would do that to them, of course it wasn’t true. I never cheated on him and was never with anyone else. He remarried within the first year of moving away and that was 7 years ago. He has not had any contact with our kids or grandkids even though every year I make sure he has the information to keep in touch with them and give him an update of what is going on in their lives, I just send him a letter with all the information there and tell him they would like to hear form him. So far that hasn't happend but at least I can live with myself knowing I did everything to try and keep him involved in their lives. I just don't understand how he doesn’t want any contact with them. He said when he left 8 years ago that I turned them against him. It is just so unfair. He was such a great dad and so involved in their lives until this happened. He has three daughters that he left even though they were not young children it still hurt them terribly. He has four granddaughters that he doesn’t even know. They were only 1, 2 and 5 when he left. They don’t even remember him. So sad he would have been a great grandfather if this would not have happened. It’s sad that you have a simple life planned and this illness takes it all from you.

I was wondering if his new wife and family will have this happen to them or does this illness go away when they are away from the problem. We had such a perfect 25 years I still can’t believe that after 8 years I still think of my life with him and how unfair it all ended the way it did. I feel bad for my kids because they feel their dad died 8 years ago. I just wonder if this illness continues or stops when the person they are fixated on is no longer there. I never cheated and it hurts to think he still believes that. He left not just me but his three daughters and four beautiful grandaughers. He has no contact with any of them. The only thing I want now is for him to know that I never did anything wrong and never cheated on him.

I am sad with what I have lost. I thought I would be with him forever. My girls lost their father and my grandkids never really got to know their grandfather. He was a great dad to my girls growing up and now he is not even in their lives. They were in their late teens and early twenties when all this started. I feel bad for them. I just don't know anything about him anymore. What I don’t understand is that none of his family from Illinois contacts any of us, especially our kids. I kept them in the loop as to what was happening the whole time but it was long distance since we were in Pennsylvania and they were in Illinois. His sister knew what was happening and knew he was sick. He has two brothers and his dad and step mom….none of them keep in touch with me or especially the kids. It’s like we never existed, not a birthday card, Christmas card, nothing. I was with him 27.5 years since I was 16 and no communication from them at all. I feel bad because I know it is an illness but I feel mad that he could have done something about it if he would have just stayed on his meds and did the counselling. I feel he is getting on with his life, he remarried and left me with alone to be everything to our kids and grandkids who no matter how old they are still need their father. I have to do it all and be there and he is with a new life that they have no part in. I know I am going on and on but as you see this is something that you never get over. It has been eight years and I am still sad for what was taken from me.

It is just tuff losing your sole mate and best friend to a stupid illness. I thought we would be together forever sitting on the porch having coffee and watching our grandkids grow up. I am happy now but the life I thought I was going to have in my old age is not the life I am going to have. We were together since I was 16. We had our family and our past history in common, we had the kids and our life planned out and then bam DDJ came along and wiped that all out. I just couldn't take it anymore and I decided it was my sanity or a living hell. Guess I am rambling. Thanks for listening

I will pray for all of us. What isn't fair is that they are sick and feel justified in what they are doing. They are living life and moving on because they feel we betrayed them. We are the ones who know what is true and what is going on and taking the brunt of everything and can't do a thing about it but feel so helpless. We love them yet we can’t help them. We know what is real and we did nothing to deserve this. I have the frustration of just family life with my kids and grandkids because I am all they have. I sometime get so overwhelmed with all of it. He is living like his 30 years of being with me and his kids have never existed. He does nothing in their lives, not even a Christmas or Easter card or a phone call for almost 8 years now. I just feel so bad for everyone. I have my good days and am definitely moving on, it is just not with the life I expected to have. We are all survivors and we have the truth to set us free.

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. If you read my posts, you'll see similarities. My ex refused to get help. He put me through a living hell, and I still hurt today. It hurts because there is nothing i can do about it. I have wondered the same thing, that being, if the object of fixation is removed from their lives, does the delusional thinking disappear or at some point is it transferred to someone else. His family has no contact with us either, never once calling to ask why he left us after 33 years of marriage. All the plans for travel we talked about, he did without me. He goes on cruises every year, something we could never afford to do, but now he does, as I struggle to keep the rest of our family together. He's moved on and I'm still trying to do so. God bless you.

luvfrstgrade:

You write:

luvfrstgrade wrote:I have wondered the same thing, that being, if the object of fixation is removed from their lives, does the delusional thinking disappear or at some point is it transferred to someone else.

I find this a very fascinating question. I have a son who has schizophrenia, and my wife has all the symptoms of DD, and I've read a lot about both conditions, and they are linked. The thing is, DD is a neurobiological brain disease, like schizophrenia, but it works in a different way than SZ, in that with DD there is a single, fixed delusion. You could say that the brain is not working correctly. So I would think that if you took away the object of the delusion, that the brain, being sick, would conjure up another delusion at some point down the road. But maybe not.

Does anyone have any answers on this from experience? If changing the setting truly helps, then perhaps the best thing we could do for our DD spouses is to leave them and just let them get on with their lives -- as horrible as that sounds.

MrSicily

MrSicily wrote:Does anyone have any answers on this from experience? If changing the setting truly helps, then perhaps the best thing we could do for our DD spouses is to leave them and just let them get on with their lives -- as horrible as that sounds.

When we have gone on vacation, my wife generally doesn't mention any of her delusional thoughts (assuming she remains on her meds), but she still shows some milder symptoms of depression (but she can usually push thru them for the good of the group).

But on the way home, the anxiety that comes with her delusions returns like a ton of bricks being dropped on her.

A few times she has tried to convince me that the best thing for our family is for us to abandon our lives (job, school, extended family, friends..) and move somewhere that no one knows us.
I attribute this to her fears and persecutory delusions. And those will follow us no matter where we go to "hide".

kent_eh wrote:...
A few times she has tried to convince me that the best thing for our family is for us to abandon our lives (job, school, extended family, friends..) and move somewhere that no one knows us.
I attribute this to her fears and persecutory delusions. And those will follow us no matter where we go to "hide".

This is very interesting, long before my wife ever became overtly delusional she used to want us to do the same thing. Just move somewhere, anywhere, and start over. We had a house, I had a career, and we had family and friends near where we lived and she literally wanted us to chuck it all move somewhere where we knew no one, neither of us would have a job...it made no sense at all and she could never explain to me why she thought we should but she would get upset when I dismissed the idea.

peytonmanning18 wrote:

kent_eh wrote:...
A few times she has tried to convince me that the best thing for our family is for us to abandon our lives (job, school, extended family, friends..) and move somewhere that no one knows us.
I attribute this to her fears and persecutory delusions. And those will follow us no matter where we go to "hide".

This is very interesting, long before my wife ever became overtly delusional she used to want us to do the same thing. Just move somewhere, anywhere, and start over. We had a house, I had a career, and we had family and friends near where we lived and she literally wanted us to chuck it all move somewhere where we knew no one, neither of us would have a job...it made no sense at all and she could never explain to me why she thought we should but she would get upset when I dismissed the idea.

I'm sure I've mentioned parts of it somewhere, but she fears some sort of violent retribution from "the criminals" who she remembers drugging and gang raping her since she was 4 years old.
The same ones she believes are/were tapping our phone, watching our house, harming people we know (causing traffic accidents, and pre-natal illness among other things), infiltrating political parties to get at her, and have an international (intercontinental) reach and influence.
And they are interested in the downfall and destruction of this suburban housewife, who has isolated herself from almost everyone, but in all these years they haven't moved to kill us all...yet

kent_eh wrote:kent_eh wrote:
...
A few times she has tried to convince me that the best thing for our family is for us to abandon our lives (job, school, extended family, friends..) and move somewhere that no one knows us.
I attribute this to her fears and persecutory delusions. And those will follow us no matter where we go to "hide".

This is very interesting, long before my wife ever became overtly delusional she used to want us to do the same thing. Just move somewhere, anywhere, and start over. We had a house, I had a career, and we had family and friends near where we lived and she literally wanted us to chuck it all move somewhere where we knew no one, neither of us would have a job...it made no sense at all and she could never explain to me why she thought we should but she would get upset when I dismissed the idea.

DITTO, DITTO, DITTO, my now ex wanted to do the same, almost word for word. It almost broke my heart to tell him no because he was "so happy" when he contemplated the idea of moving and starting fresh. I'd eventually have to bring it back to reality and weigh in the reasons why we could not just pick up and move across the country. I would of course keep the #1 reason to myself that... after the honeymoon period of the new place passed, the DDJ would creep back into our lives. AND THEN WHAT?!?!

kent_eh wrote:When we have gone on vacation, my wife generally doesn't mention any of her delusional thoughts (assuming she remains on her meds), but she still shows some milder symptoms of depression (but she can usually push thru them for the good of the group).

But on the way home, the anxiety that comes with her delusions returns like a ton of bricks being dropped on her.

AGAIN, DITTO, DITTO, DITTO.... We went on vacation quite a few times ... EVERY time he seemed 99.9% better/happier. I never made a point of this for fear it would ruin the his good mood.

At our divorce proceeding, I stupidly said it was okay for him to pay his child support directly to me. For the first 3 or 4 months he stayed on track, but then slowly he began to take more vacations (some international) and compensate on the the child care payments. True to form, he'd be on an high for a few weeks before take off and then slowly but surely on a decline after he'd return... followed with another booking that would give him something to look forward to... after 3 years of this I finally took him to court and garnished his wages... I was so scared he'd crack to the point he'd do me physical harm. He was $21,000 in arrears. He did explode (thank goodness not physically toward me) and is feeling the pinch of not having $ to travel as much as he did in the past -- he just finished a 10 day cruise in October. Of course he blames it on my being jealous that he was travelling and I was not. Whatever...

Thanks for sharing your experiences. They make a world of difference. Good luck!

~ Beautiful Mind

So do you think that my husband moving 600 miles away and getting remarried he no longer has DDJ. He was so sure I was cheating. Do you think since he is no longer with me that he is living delusion free. I hope so for his sake but it makes me sad that he couldn't do that with me.

Dear pilpos,

Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you! I am no expert on DDJ, but I've lived through MANY of the same experiences you have. Your nightmare began in 2001 on the threshold of your 25th wedding anniversary and mine began in 2000 shortly after celebrating the birth of our 4th beautiful daughter. M was formally diagnosed with DDJ in 2003... you say you put up with the totally unfounded accusations for 2.5 years... as I did for 3 heartwrenching years.

When M finally came out and told me what he was thinking/imagining it was beyond shock and disbelief. This man was my first boyfriend (met him when I was 17) and literally my first everything. I loved him more than I thought I could ever love another human being. Immediately after telling me what he had been harboring, for what I found out later to be 5 years, I could tell he felt like a 5 ton weight was lifted off his shoulders. But then it was my turn to process what he had said which was that I was a lesbian with someone from my office who was a good friend of ours.

It became evident to me that a depression had come over M when he began having issues at work. He thought people were turning against him, falsly accusing him, and constantly talking behind his back. I believed him 100%... why shouldn't I? I had known and loved him for 20 years, which included 14 years of marriage and 4 wonderful daughters.

pilpos wrote:H agreed to go to counselling and was put on medication which he would take for awhile but then he would go off. He would say I paid the doctors off to tell him he was sick and have them put him on medicine so I could drug him and he wouldn't know what was happening. I was always walking on eggshells. Finally after the third time he went to a lawyer for a divorce I had enough and told him to continue with it if that is what was going to give him peace. The doctors said there was nothing I could do to make him believe me, he believed what his mind was telling him and without medicine and counselling he wouldn’t get better.

The following will sound awfully familiar to you... I found it from a recent post I wrote a week or so ago...

We decided to go to counseling and that seemed to work a little. But everytime we'd get comfortable with a counselor, he would inevitably be singled out as the person that needed the meds, therapy, etc., That's when he'd accuse me of "paying them" to say that. One day he screamed it to my face, "How much are you paying them?!?!?!"... He'd take meds for a few weeks and then stop. He was prescribed Celexa and Zyprexa (sp?). The Celexa was an anti-depressant and the Zyprexa was an anti-psycotic medication. It got to the point that I didn't know who I was waking up with or coming home to in the evening. The accusations got worse over the months... he thought I was having lesbian affairs with practically every single one of my friends and co-workers. At first he would write me emails telling me about how sorry he was, how much he loved and trusted me, he sent me dozens of roses with beautiful messages.... but as time went by the episodes would start again. I'm not exactly sure what triggered them... The worst part was that eventually "HE BELIEVED IT ALL TO BE TRUE - BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT." He convinced himself that I was a liar, cheat, adulterer, and a string of other absurditities.

The last time we saw a psychiatrist together, was as a follow up to his mental evaluation. I told him to pick someone outside of our insurance so that there was no way he would think I had something to do with the results. Well, guess what, she came up with the same diagnosis... DDJ (coupled with paranoia and depression). She told him that while he should be on meds for the depression/paranoia, he needed intense therapy to deal with the delusions. She said that in time, with therapy/counseling, he would be able to sense when a delusional episode was coming... and that he would have the ability to actually put it away (not surpress it) but actually acknowledge it and willfully put it away (sort of like in a chest with a key in his mind) and go about doing something enjoyable in its place (i.e. fishing, jogging, or a hike). Unfortunately, shortly after, he decided not to get any more counseling because "they were all under my influence"... that's when I reached my breaking point and filed for divorce. I was even able to get a marriage annulment from the Catholic Church a few years later. I think M would of continued in the marriage, whether he hated me or not.

pilpos wrote:He told anyone that would listen what I was doing and how I was cheating on him. He even said he went to our priest and talked with him about an annulment, when I met with the priest to explain he said that my husband had never been there.

I still have people coming up to me saying M had spoken to them about his crazy thoughts months/years before I even knew he had these thoughts. That's what hurts most. The part you wrote about the priest makes me wonder... M also told me he had gone and spoken to one of our priests, and that he was very supportive. Granted, this priest was not close to our family so I didn't feel comfortable in going to speak to him about it like you did.... wonder if I would of gotten the same response you did! Believe me, nothing would surprise me at this point.

I think M has stuck around because our children were young when this all started (new born to 10 years old). Now they're 11 to 21 years old. He says that as soon as he can retire, he's moving far away and that the kids can come visit him if they like.

As for your question,

pilpos wrote:So do you think that my husband moving 600 miles away and getting remarried he no longer has DDJ. He was so sure I was cheating. Do you think since he is no longer with me that he is living delusion free. I hope so for his sake but it makes me sad that he couldn't do that with me.

NO, I DON'T THINK THE DDJ EVER GOES AWAY. Now that we're divorced I can tell he surpresses his thoughts because he knows I can throw him out of the house. I'm grateful he has not remarried or had a girlfriend that I know of.... I think that would be like pouring salt on an open wound... mostly because of the broken dreams the DDJ caused. I've also been lucky to stay close to his family (which I'm sure bothers him). They've been supportive over the years, but like everything else in life the DDJ topic has run its course in our conversations... they're tired of hearing about it and rightly so... I know it's time to move on. Reading similar experiences on this site has helped me tremendously as I try to move forward one baby step at a time.

Most importantly, remember, you're not alone P.S. Have you had a chance to read the post from "I Am the Worst Husband Ever" ? If not, look it up. It comes from a totally different perspective that I've found to be very comforting, yet very realistic.

~ Beautiful Mind

pilpos wrote:So do you think that my husband moving 600 miles away and getting remarried he no longer has DDJ. He was so sure I was cheating. Do you think since he is no longer with me that he is living delusion free. I hope so for his sake but it makes me sad that he couldn't do that with me.

I can't imagine that an illness could be cured that easily.
He hasn't moved away from the problem, because the problem was never you. He carries it with him.

Unless he is getting treatment, I would bet money that at some point he will start to have jealous delusions about his new wife too.
But who knows, the brain isn't nearly as well understood as we all wish it was.

Look after yourself and your kids.
You aren't in a position to help him at the moment, but you can help yourself.