Is my girlfriend DD?

Based on my research into DD so far and the descriptions I've read on this forum, I believe that my girlfriend may have either a mild form of Delusional Disorder, or the precursor kind of personality/cognitive dysfunction that precedes full blown DD, mainly of the jealous and persecutory types.

We've been together now for 2 and a half years, although we are no longer in a committed relationship and it has gotten quite unstable with frequent break-ups. She is 36 now (I am 42) and we hooked up when she was 33. A pattern quickly emerged with her that includes frequent false accusations, temper tantrums and rages over seemingly small insults and perceived past wrongs (the same ones over and over again from grudges), and an incredibly high level of mistrust and suspicion of my motives and intentions towards her with no basis (she is convinced that I am plotting to hurt her, humiliate her, exploit her, cheat on her, etc.). The rages, which mostly happen after she has been drinking alcohol, but sometimes when she's sober, seem to be a trance-like state that will last for a few minutes, in which her eyes seem bulged, her face contorts, and there is nothing I can do to calm her down or reason with her. Everything I do or say, whether it is an apology or something else, makes no difference and just seems to feed into her rage, so I just have to wait it out. The last time it happened, she actually became a little violent and gave me some bruises and scratches.

I have banged my head against the wall trying to figure out a way to reason with her weird logic and baseless accusations and mistrust. I keep thinking that if I can only figure out how to get her to listen to logic and look at objective evidence, I can eventually get her to understand that her assumptions/accusations are false. But I've finally given up that notion after 2 and a half years of futility. I have tried to communicate rationally with her about these things over and over again to the point of exhaustion. Generally, when I try to discuss these with her, she won't even let me finish a sentence and will suddenly become angry and cut me off (hang up on me if we are on the phone), so I have found over time that I simply cannot challenge or question any of her baseless accusations and paranoid beliefs, no matter how wrong or hurtful they are to me. Sometimes I get angry at her and counter-attack, which I realize afterwords is counterproductive and does more harm than good, but it's hard to control myself sometimes (but I am getting better at that over time). I have never experienced such a level of irrationality and complete blockage of reasonable discussion with anybody else, as I am a very reasonable and logical person and can usually talk things through with most reasonable people. But it's like she is missing the rational part of her brain when it comes to these jealous and persecutory delusions. These episodes and tendencies seem to worsen when she drinks alcohol.

She decided within 6 months of being with me that I am not trustworthy enough to marry or have a long term partnership with (even though she did want that at one time) because she is convinced that I will hurt her, and she even says that I "WANT to hurt her", which is totally false. So, at one time I wanted to marry her, but I have now resigned to the reality that we will never be able to do that because of the lack of trust. We do manage to have some good times together, probably the majority of the time we are together. Sex with her is the best I've had with anybody else, and I think she feels similar towards me. She loves my touch and how I make her feel when we make love, so that is probably the best thing we have going for us. These explosive episodes and unhappiness, while too frequent and a bummer for both of us, have definitely torn us apart and broken both of our hearts, as it has made us break up several times. But we still love and care for each other. I find myself missing the original her, or the part of her that is the "normal" her that I fell in love with and dreamed of spending the rest of my life with. Now, I just want to figure out what kind of relationship I can have with her as mainly a friend, to love her and help her and heal her.

I think I have shifted from being "in-love" with her to just wanting to give her unconditional love but not as close and not so emotionally attached.

She has absolutely no insights into her condition, she has absolutely no trust of the psychiatric profession, and is completely closed-minded to the idea of ever going to see a psych doctor, so I have given up on that idea. Whenever I bring up the subject, she says that it is me that has a problem and that I should go to a psychiatrist, so I don't even try to bring it up anymore.

On the hopeful side, there have been a few instances where she apologized later for being irrational and unreasonable, but that has only happened about 1% of the time when she was being irrational and/or had a rage episode. The rest of the times she was and is totally convinced that she was right and that I have treated her so horribly.

It wasn't until the last few weeks that I settled upon the Delusional Disorder diagnosis after doing research. I wish I had looked at this years ago so that I didn't make so many mistakes in how I reacted to her. I don't know if it could have saved our relationship, but it would have helped. Who knows?

I did suspect over time that she had some sort of mental disability, possibly paranoia, and thought that it was related to her borderline alcoholism. I've actually helped her cut down on the alcohol, which she uses to self mediate from feeling emotional/psychological pain, and light depression, but she still drinks too much for her health (physical and psychological).

We had been casual friends for a few years before we hooked up. Things seemed to be mellow or uneventful for the first 3 months that we were dating before the first crisis started. Within that first 3 months, she became attached to me fairly quickly and fell in love with me and started to get a bit possessive, moving faster than I was wanting to. By the end of that first 3 month period, she was demanding that we have a monogamous committed relationship, which I was not quite ready for, but which I was honest and up front with her about. She made me choose to either commit to her or break up with her at that point, so I broke up with her, and then a month later decided to get back together with her in a committed relationship, but she will never forgive me for initially refusing to commit to her. I have never cheated on her, though she is convinced I did.

The first peculiarlarities I noticed after the first few months with her:

1) Low self-esteem: It was obvious over time by observing her demeanor, along with comments she would make, that she had an exceptionally low self-esteem, even though she was fairly attractive and pretty. She also exhibited lots of social fear and was weary of most people and refused to go to parties that I would invite her to.

2) Seemed to have a bit of irrational guilt over the death of her mother, which occurred a year before we hooked up. Her mother died of cancer and was in a lot of pain at the end. My girlfriend told me that she believes that her mother's death could have had something to do with my girlfriend's money ritual she had done a few years before, in which she had prayed for and performed a ritual to bring more money to her. When her mother died, my girlfriend got a large inheritance. So for a long time she has felt a burden of guilt for her mother's death, thinking she might have been the cause of it, which seems like a clear delusion to me (other times she would theorize that "they" or the powers that be killed her mother, because her mother had started a radio station that was free of corporate control, and was therefore considered "subversive" and "dangerous" to the powers that be).

3) Hyper-jealousy: Even though I didn't date anyone else besides her during that first 3 months, or whenever we were officially together and not separated, she quickly became unusually jealous about any other woman that I may have had even the smallest attraction for, or was friends with, and towards my ex-girlfriend that I had been apart from for at least 7 years, but who I was still friends with. There was a brief time in between the time we broke up after 3 months and the time we got back together a month later, that I briefly dated another woman, which I was honest with her about. She considers that cheating on her and will never forgive me for that.

4) Seemed to believe in just about any and every conspiracy theory you could find on the internet, including or especially those pertaining to psychological control, mind control, and believed that some of the difficulties that she had in her life, as well as mine, had to do with these hidden forces at work behind the scenes that were manipulating us and controlling us or using our energy, etc.

5) She believes that she has "thought implants". Somehow "they" can "implant" unwanted thoughts into her head to make her feel bad or manipulate her.

Overall, though, she appeared normal and was living a fully functional life, going to work every day, etc. Most people would not think that anything was way off with her. As I got to know her, I began to see her as being overly negative and cynical and mistrustful, perhaps due to bad experiences she had in the past with many people, and she seemed to have been severely affected by past boyfriends who cheated on her, so I pretty quickly discovered that that was a very sensitive issue for her. But eventually I had to conclude that she had a mental disorder.

Anyway, do you all agree with the DD diagnosis? Also, should I run away very fast from her, or should I continue to try to be her loving and supportive friend from an emotional distance and just try to avoid confrontations with her? I know that if I abandoned her, she would feel even more depressed after all the loneliness and difficulty she has had with other people. So I don't want to be yet another person who abandoned her. As long as she still loves me, I want to help her feel good as much as I can, with out expecting anything and without too much emotional entanglement.

What do you all think I should do?

So sorry to hear about your dillema. None of us here can confirm or disprove any diagnosis. I can tell you I'm familiar with some of the symptoms you describe. All the talk about "they" and what "they " are trying to do is one topic that I listen to a lot. I also hear about "psych ops" and mind control, and about most conspiracy theories on the internet. My husband doesn't get into a trance like state but he does attribute a lot of significance to events that I don't consider significant at all. His ideas of cause and effect seems to be affected by this disease.He misinterprets people's actions (always from a paranoid perspective), and he makes a lot of conclusions by assuming what somebody's intentions were when they did something. The only thing I can tell you to do is to read the stories on this forum. Many of us have remained committed to our spouses because we do care about them, but not very many of us have been very successful in helping them get better. I can understand why you're feeling so conflicted, I hope reading other people's experiences gives you some clarity. Good luck!

keenan wrote:

... should I run away very fast from her...?

This.

It might be tempting to think you can "save" someone from themself. But given your description of this person, the nature and age of your relationship, and the most likely way this plays out I would advise you to move on.

Of course this advice is worth exactly what you paid for it.

Woh! your story resambles much my own story with my now ex- girfriend, included having a period of official break up in which i saw another woman (once!) and she considered that cheating and will use that argument as a confirmation to justify her mistrust like "you see I was right, you cheated on my so i have the right to acuse you, check on you etc. Ha by the way seems like you haven't experinced having her hire a detective to follow you like mine did.... !

Any way my research started on the Otello syndrome, then found out about DD-J and this forum which is a lot of help and one of few places where we can be understood, since this persons (DD) are quite normal for the rest (family, friends rtc.) and sometimes we can't convince them that she do all this in private. When I broke up with my ex my mother asked me "what have you done to her?" that normal my g-friend looked to others...

I learned that DD in pure form is rare, and most often is a feature for an underlining psychiatric issue so if you can identify and treat the underlying problem you could have DD go a way or at least minimize it, so I would recomend you find the way to have her diagnosed by a profesional and go from there, she won't go by her self but maybe if you approach it as couple conceling and go with her she will accept and then after few sesions talk to the doctor to see if he spoted the underlying disorder (bipolar, obssesive comp. etc.)

good luck!

nico wrote:
I learned that DD in pure form is rare, and most often is a feature for an underlining psychiatric issue so if you can identify and treat the underlying problem you could have DD go a way or at least minimize it, so I would recomend you find the way to have her diagnosed by a profesional and go from there, she won't go by her self but maybe if you approach it as couple conceling and go with her she will accept and then after few sesions talk to the doctor to see if he spoted the underlying disorder (bipolar, obssesive comp. etc.)

I am not a professional in any sense, but I agree with this to a certain degree. In another post, I likened the underlying cause in most cases that i've seen to possibly being trauma of some sort - a psychologically traumatic event. I firmly believe that if you could get to the root of the issue - the illness would be severely minimized or at least recognizable by the DD who would otherwise not believe they were sick. But therein lies the entire problem - it's a vicious cycle.....

I'm new here, this is my first post. I've been living with a spouse who has been exhibiting DD symptoms for over a year, and I suspect living with them for maybe 3 years previous to disclosure. I saw weird little signs, but they didn't add up as they now do, in retrospect. Little episodes from as long as 15 years ago now seem to add up. Stories she's told me from before I met her add up.

This is somebody I've been with for over 15 years, love dearly, and am married to. Running away is not a viable option, for practical reasons as well as my own commitment to her.

I'd say... if you aren't completely committed to doing anything, whatever you must do, and suffering greatly to help her, even making yourself very miserable, perhaps for the rest of your life together... you should consider running away from it.

This isn't your fault, and it isn't your responsibility. It's going to be very difficult to be "just friends" with this person, and you have to consider what your obligations will be if you remain "more than just friends." The longer you remain in this relationship, the more you make yourself obligated to remain.

I often think of the instructions you get on an airplane: "Place your oxygen mask over your face before assisting others." You can't help someone if you can't preserve yourself. If being in the relationship means you cannot preserve yourself, then you can't help her.

Can you deal with this and remain unbroken yourself? If not, what can you do for her?

That's a very sad thought, and one that will create a lot of guilt inside you as well as perhaps a lot of external conflict around you for a while.

Where will either decision place you in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, and so on? Where will either decision place her in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, and so on? Her path will likely be very similar with you or without you, probably not a lot better or worse. Your path may be very different without her, probably better.

Will you make great sacrifices for her, knowing that they may not help her? If your answer is a very firm "Yes," then you're a "better man than me." Bless you. If you have great doubt, then perhaps you need to assess your motives and the likely outcome, and try to separate the emotional factors from the practical ones.

I'm staying right where I am. I'm committed, but my situation is very different in terms of years committed and caring so much that I cannot consider abandoning the DD person in my life. I can't say that what I see laying before me in the future makes me happy, but I have my reasons for staying. If your reasons for staying are strong enough, then you share some of the same fears. I'd have to say that I would admire your commitment and willingness to sacrifice for the good of your other. I'd also say that I understood perfectly if you moved on, and that others will understand, and you'll one day (mostly) get over whatever guilt and sorrow it brings you at first.

Should I make the standard disclaimer that I have no special expertise or authority to say all this? It's just a personal observation.

Wow, I just discovered this after trying to figure out my own girlfriend.

Keenan, what have you done since you posted here? How have things gone?

My situation is almost exactly as yours. I have been totally committed to a
woman for almost 4 years, and when things are good, they are fantastic. If they
weren't, I would have ran a long time ago. However, we go through these stages
where the situation is just as you described. I have been accused of everything
from cheating, (including with my sister-in-law) to online emotional affairs, to
be a homosexual, to hacking computers, to hacking facebook accounts.

Like you, I have at times reacted very poorly as they accusations are so
frustrating. Some of them though, are kind of funny - she once told me she
believed I might be tapping her telephone.

There have been times I became quite hurt - and angry. Almost after episode, we
have a "fight" - and I am always the first one to try to "make up" but nothing
gets resolved. She has never apologised for any of her behaviour although there
have been times when she has told me that she can only "think in black and
white, there are no grays" as how she put it to me. She does not seem to realize
the hurt it causes to be accused of stuff that is outrageous. And I'll be very
honest, it has motivated me at times to react hurtfully back - because I truly
loved this woman and have believed since I met her that "she is THE one."

And I don't know what to do. I have no idea if any of her friends see it; in
fact she seems to be quite fine when around her friends - this behaviour seems
to be focussed on me. She is now apparently telling her friends (which I don't
have contact with) that I have hacked her computer and FB account (which I have
not) and the other day, she accused me of trying to "destroy all of her
friendships in multiple ways" which is totally bizarre as I have no contact with her friends.

I have seen a few times the "eyes bulging" thing and being in a trance like state, although this does not always occur. Like your girlfriend, mine also remains convinced that I have treated her horribly even though I have way often, gone out of my way to help her. I seem to be always reacting to whatever mood she is in. There have been a couple of times when she's been in these rages where she almost seems to know and has said, "I'm psycho, aren't I?"

When I try to talk to her later about stuff, and what she's said, she'll often just respond, "That's all your #######4."

I don't know if she sincerely does not remember or what. One time, when we were having a great time, I used the expression that I often use toward my kids when I am really happy with them: "You're the best!"

She immediately jumped up at me and started pounding me on the chest, asking me who I was comparing her to. It was... crazy (not sure if I should use that term here, but that is how it seemed).

Keenan's observation that "frequent false accusations, temper tantrums and rages over seemingly small insults and perceived past wrongs (the same ones over and over again from grudges), and an incredibly high level of mistrust and suspicion of my motives and intentions towards her with no basis (she is convinced that I am plotting to hurt her, humiliate her, exploit her, cheat on her, etc.)." almost make me wonder if we've been seeing the same person. One time, when we were checking out of a hotel in which we had stayed in once previously, but I had stayed in previous to that on business, I used the term "I have stayed here three times" when talking with the hotel clerk. When we got to the car, my GF went into a totally irrational state, told me she felt like a prostitute because I didn't say "we," and refused to talk to me for the five hour drive home. She seriously "clicked" her tongue over and over for the five hours.

I don't know what to do. As I wrote, when things are good, they are fantastic. We share the same sense of humour, similar interests, and when things are good, intimacy is also very good - the best I've ever experienced. If I talk to someone though, I feel as if I will be made to look like the "controlling man" that wants to make her look bad; indeed, she's even threatened me that I am never to talk to my friends about my concerns for that is "going outside the relationship." She seems to have this enormous need to look good to others and is almost obsessed with what others think about her.

I love her. I care about her. If there is something wrong, I'd like to figure out how to motivate getting it fixed - and I'm even willing to learn myself about what I can do. But at the same time, these episodes of jealousy and mistrust are so energy draining (ironically, she just told me that is drained of energy because of me) and I'm not sure how to proceed.

We often can go two months without these episodes.. and then wham bam out of nowhere, they come up and then sometimes quite frequently as things will calm down and then start up again.

Keenan, how have things worked out for you?

I can appreciate where the OP is coming from, because I've been trying to answer the same question myself.

I've been involved with a woman for the last few weeks and she often tells me stories about knowing and having worked with a number of really famous people, but hasn't been able to back up her claims with proof. The tip-off that something was amiss came the day when she claimed a certain famous musician she knows told her that he didn't read or write music. I have personally followed the career of this particular musician for a long time, and everything I've seen or read about him definitely indicates that he does in fact know how to read and write music. He couldn't have reached the stature he has without having a good grounding in music theory.

She also claims she has rich friends, one of whom gave her a significant sum of money because she had fallen on hard times. The stories all seem to involve fabulous, too-good-to-be-true situations.

This woman has admitted to me that she is under the care of a psychiatrist and is on a cocktail of psychiatric drugs, and that the treatment is aimed at dealing with her depression and issues relating to PTSD from childhood abuse. She also admits to suffering from low self-esteem.

I've been seeing a counsellor for a little while to deal with some non-psychiatric issues of my own and mentioned the things I've been experiencing with this woman. He had some interesting advice for me. The first was that her cocktail of drugs is a pretty strong indicator of some serious psychiatric issues that likely go far beyond just a little PTSD and garden-variety clinical depression. In light of this information, he suggested I go slow with this woman and see how things go. As he put it, her situation sounded like a rabbit hole that could go pretty deep, and that I should ask myself if I was prepared to accept the risks involved in going down that hole.

He also suggested that the woman in question probably has DD, a kind of psychosis that would be treated with the kind of drugs she's taking. In a nutshell, the woman is accepting her delusions and imaginings as reality and treating reality as false.

What I've discovered about DD from my readings tonight is that DD sufferers talk and act normally most of the time. The delusions that they have are not the typical delusions associated with schizophrenia, but are based on things that appear quite plausible on the surface and could actually happen, but have no basis in reality or fact. In her case, she seems to have what psychiatrists call the grandiose form of DD.

The problem for me is that the woman in question is extremely affectionate, kind, and loving, and apart from some of the fantastical stories she tells, seems to be quite normal. She likes me a lot and I like her too, and I find myself unwilling to give up the affection I'm getting from her. The downside is that I'm beginning to think that I can't really believe anything she tells me about anything. I'm still pursuing her, but have the feeling that her mask will soon drop and all of the secrets she's trying to hide will finally be revealed.

While the relationship is going well, I fear that I may have to break it off due to the fact that it's a long distance relationship, and her mental and emotional issues may unleash themselves at some point.