Its over after 37 years....

Hi All,
Sad news I am affraid. My dearly beloved wife had another DDJ episode two nights ago and despite prommising she would not go she has dissappeared. I now know it is her family that is helping her. I am pretty sure this is the end as she has left her wedding ring and new engagement ring behind. She has also emptied bank accounts. I love this woman more than anything in this world but it has to stop now for my own health and safety. I miss her dreadfully but at least I did not have to throw her out. Her trigger for this episode was truely DDJ. Three days ago I asked her to scratch my back for me as my shingles scars were itching something aweful, two days latter she said "Where did you get those scratches from" . Of course I fell for it and protested that she had done them to which she replied with a full phycotic rage. I have to start the process of seperation and divorce now which I hate to do but I think I will go insane if I stay in this relationship any longer, its a real shame as I have loved this girl since I first saw her 37 years ago.

Hi metal mark, so sorry to hear that things are worse for you. You are right, one's own sanity has to come first--quite literally--one has to function well oneself before one can be of help to anyone else. It is not selfish to put your own health first, rather it is essential that you do so. That doesn't make it any easier of course, as you say, you have loved your wife for 37 years and will always love her, I have also loved my husband since we were teenagers and like you, will always love him. Best of luck.

Metal mark,

My heart goes out to you. This is such a difficult time. Please remember to take good care of yourself - hopefully a well trained therapist is helping you through this crisis.

Being alone after so many years together is very hard, very hard. I am alone only half the time (we have shared custody of the kids) but even so, I found the days alone very very difficult. I miss our morning coffee together and all those tiny details that make married life/intimacy so fulfilling.

Sunday mornings are the worse for me, so I have started volunteering at a shelter, something I used to do back in graduate school.

You will find out what times are hardest for you and hopefully you will also find occupations to keep you busy. Its important to recognizes that a period of mourning and sadness is normal - best wishes to you metal mark.

WifeofDDJ

PS. Keep in mind that it is possible that although she has left she may not initiate any proceedings etc... My husband has not and does not want to, eventhough he has started relationships with other women. He blames the economy etc.... for making it to difficult to settle things like the house etc... I do not know if this inability to follow-through with their decision to break up is due to the DDJ or something else but faithful recalls a similar problem with her husband, she had to do all the filing for her divorce. For me this is too difficult to do now, so we are in a kind of limbo - married but living in separate houses.

My ex is doing the same with his new wife now. Although he moved out this time, he won't file the divorce and refuses to reasonably discuss a financial settlement, arguing that because he knows she murdered her first husband & she tried to murder him, she owes him "big time" and should sign over all their assets to him. With me, although he repeatedly told me he wanted a divorce, to this day he tells people I divorced him for no reason, and that he would never have divorce me because he was committed to the marriage. There is no logic to this disease.

An odd upside of doing the divorce myself was just the process, stuff to do, a goal. Almost like planning a funeral, it gives us steps to take in the midst of great loss. I was very resentful at the time, still am to some degree, but it was good to be in control of SOMETHING. Dealing with DDJ was a very out-of-control experience, and working towards, and then being, a single person, ultimately gave me back control of my own life.

My husband did file for divoice. He moved out, started seeing a woman, and filed for divoice, all within one month. It is alomst like he went through another one of his psychotic episode, that he did all of those in a high.

He is now stalling, won't move forward with the divoice proceeding. His lawyer emailed my laywer and said "I think he maybe on vacation or job-hunting, becuase all my messages and emails somehow got lost, ...then he will get back to me days later." It is very frustrating.

I decided to cut off all unnecessary contacts with him about 4 weeks ago, after he cruelly responded to all of my pleadings or friendly gestures with ruthless remarks or actions. It was almost as if he gets high on watching me suffer. So I started to screen all my calls, only respond to must-answer matters (we have 2 children together). My responses were all one-liners without personal emotions. I have also trained my children to enter/leave my house on their own for his visitations. So he has not seen or heard from me for 4 weeks now.

It was very difficult in the beginning. However, I know I have to do it to be strong and to survive. Not only for me, but for the children. They need their mother to be strong more than anything else. My daugher who is 13 has been worring and angry(at her dad) since all these craziness started in early December. I promise myself that I will let her be a child again.

Interesting enough, he was sending me daily emails, texts and phone messages until right before the winter break, that he realized what I was doing. The day that he realized that I was cutting him off, he left 4 phone messages with different excuses and asking me to call him. After getting no responses, he then axed me out of his facebook account as a friend. (which is about the only "control" he has)

He stopped contacting me completely for almost a week, while he took the children for winter break. I was nervous and anxious in the beginning for having to face the long break alone. But I was actully relaxed and had a great time. I met with different friends every night and really, really start to feel free. I started to "hear" music, and got back to my favorite sports.

So after 4 days straight with the children, and knowing that I was all alone. He called my home phone (instead of my cell) and used the children as an excuse to ask me to call him. He did it again last night. I can only imagine how things were played out in his sick mind. (Where could she be doing so late at night?)

I have a feeling that this is not over yet. But I am determined to push the divoice through and get on with the rest of my life. There is so much more in life to enjoy than being in love with a mad man. This man is not the same person I have married 15 years ago.

My life with my DDJ was like a long dance. The first 14 years, the room was well-lit, the music was great, and we danced well. Then 2 years ago, he started to gradually dim the light, change the music, and lose his balance. It got worse and worse, the room eventually became pitch dark and sufficateing. He kept stepping on me, knocking me down to the floor, or slamming me against the walls. For 2 years, I tried to stay dancing with him, but the injury became simply too great and the pain was unbearable. So now I have decided to take my children and leave the dark room, leaving him behind with his crazy dance. We are walking down the hall, toward the exit, where there is sunshine, fresh air and hope.

The life with DDJ is so confusing. They are so unpredictable that if you try to follow their music and keep up with their steps, you will for sure lose your bearings and get very, very hurt. Even though at one point I vowed to stay with him, to honor my marriage vows. I now am thankful that he filed for divoice. (I will never do it myself). It may sound strange, but I am even thankful to all the creulty that he has placed on me. Because it pushed me to my lowest point and because of the excruciating pain, that I had no choice but to leave. I mean, mentally and emotionally leave him. I think this is the hardest for all of us who has a DDJ love one.

I still love him dearly, but it is time to go.

I have used "annabelle" and posted before. My husband knows of the forum and "annabelle". I had stopped posting under his request. I have also blanked out all my previous postings in order to dance his dance. Nothing is more maddening than trying to dance the madman's dance!!

Mental Mark, it maybe helpful to ask your physician for some anti-anxiety pills. A friend of mine suggested it to me, I followed through. Though I have only taken maybe 4 to 5 pills so far, but it sure helped a lot during those darkest and unbearable moments. In fact, I think my recovery started from the day I started to get some sleep with the aid of medication. I still have my "plunges", as part of the grieving process. But it does get easier and easier.

Thank you all for your kind words.
I told her today that I was going to see the solicitors tommorow and that I had already made certain financial arrangments so she is now aware that I am not playing her games anymore. She seemed upset at the thought of a divorce but she would not compromise on getting help for her problem. I have said if she wants to come back she can but only after she can prove that she is getting the help she so dearly needs, but she wont accept it. its so sad , I managed to get her smilling and laughing and she looked truely beautiful to me as she did, and I told her so. To which she replied, "dont try the emotional blackmail on me". I felt gutted that when I tell her how I truely feel about her, and she could say such a thing. She has however suddenly realised that she will need a job if she is to stay away for any length of time and is asking for her papers, maybe working might just take her mind off things as for the last three years she has not worked and just watched cooking programms all day and monitored my activities. She has never found a thing against me, but that does not stop her making things up though. Well perhaps in a divorce court she will get a shock because lies without evidence dont count for much.

Mark

It is truly amazing to read the similarities in these posts. I wonder if it would be fair to summarize this special brand of DDJ as follows:

- DDJ sufferer is unhappy with him/herself for reasons unknown. Low self esteem may be a cause.

- DDJ wants change, but does not have the resources/strength to cope and becomes depressed.

-DDJ shifts blame to spouse, the one person they trust and know they can control. DDJ accuses spouse of unfaithfulness - all of a sudden DDJ is no longer victim of his own sadness. DDJ is now victim of his/her spouse.

- DDJ shares his/her imagined plight with friends/family, and garners some support, enough to justify breaking the relationship. DDJ also pushes his/her spouse to the limit, transforming every conversation into a fight, every explanation from the spouse is either a lie or a confession.

- DDJ or spouse leave. At first DDJ feels very empowered, everyone can see the "abuse" he has endured.

- Faced with lawyers who deal with facts not emotions, DDJ looses some his/her determination. DDJ will try to push the spouse to divorce perhaps, but does not have the strength to do it himself. He/she wants to react, not act. At this stage, the DDJ is also likely to seek another relationship.

At every point, DDJ justifies his/her actions as a "reaction" to the abuse they have suffered with spouse. This way DDJ avoids facing his/her own responsibility.

This may be a bit harsh - I welcome your input and suggestions.

Hi wifeofDDJ,
You are so perceptive,what you wrote is exactly how I feel about what my DDJ has been doing. My DDJ's favourite statement is that she is fed up of all the lies, when the truth is that she is the one that continually lies. She is now telling everybody that she has in fact seen doctors and they say she is ok. Personally I dont believe a word of it, of course its very difficult to prove that she is telling porkies.
Her attitude to the truth is that if she has more people believing what she says rather than believe what I say then she must be telling the truth, which seems a bit wierd but her familly dont see it that way.
My wife sees this as some sort of big game, that she can control and manipulate. I never thought that my wife could be so manipulative and twist and turn the way she has . It feels like there is another person inside her that pops out and becomes her alter ego. The alter ego is nasty and aggressive and does not care who she hurts so long as she wins, scores a point, takes revenge or hurts. I kow there is a soft and lovely person still in there and it breaks my heart tro have to deal with the alter ego.
I belive my wife lost her self esteem while had her careing for old people job because some of them would abuse her terribly and the management were continually puting them under pressure. So it was easier to make me the cause of all her problems. I could be the reason for her to walk away from the job. She did not have to take responsibility for her own problems, it could all be blamed on me. The more I read the more it becomes clear where all this started but it also makes it harder to see where it will end.

mark

I have started to use the description: "lack of empathy." My DDJ husband completely lost his empathy to me and some to others. He sometimes showed inappropriate affects. I also feel that he gets high when he is in control and sees me in pain.

Unable to take responsibilities is another clear characteristic of DDJ. My husband even blames me for the divoice, even though he is the one who filed.

Oh and all too often we use the terms of "altered ego" or "invation of the body snatcher" or "dual personalities". I even started to write a journal to my "old" hubby. (I miss him very much) Somehow the wiring in their brains went terribly wrong and the DDJ parts of them overpowered the original, good parts of them.

In an attempt to comfort me, one of my firends once said:" just pretend that he is dead." The problem is, a dead person would not manipulate and be hurtful.

metalmark:
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have often felt the same way...that I'm being forced to act and do things I don't feel. Their behavior constantly puts us in a position of this. It's so unfair. I'm right now myself going through another cycle of "I should just give up." I've done this before, then came back the other way and decided to stay for another round. I'm stuck in a cycle of "stay in" ... "get out". I finally realized the other day, that until I give up (for real), there will be no peace. And giving up for peace means I will lose the one I love. I lose either way. Sorry, I'm not more encouraging to you right now. I'm in a funk!

leavingthedarkness:
I've missed our chats! I read your post though and got the update. If you've read my latest, you know I've been gone a lot. Mostly tracking my DDJ down, staying with him where he is, since he can't deal with my house. He's back in the country AGAIN.....but we are not broken up. I went up there last weekend. However, I'm having a cycle of "I can't do this anymore" again. Of course, when I think that through then comes "but I've put SO MUCH into this, and I love him! It's NOT FAIR!" Write me soon.....