that description (sudden thought followed by intense feeling and adrenaline rush) is familiar to me. I used to feel like this quite often while remembering traumatic or embarassing events. I also remember reading several accounts of people with PTSD who described similar feelings during their flashback episodes. I'll give you specific example - in my late teens I lived through political unrest in my country of origin and while I didn't personally witness anything extremely violent or traumatic, it was stressful time and on several occassions there was a possibility of an air assault. For at least five years afterwards I would have this violent reaction to the sound of an airplane, especially if it was unexpected. Then at one point I was on a business trip abroad and visited an office building near the airport. There was the sound of an airplane taking off and no reaction to it - I remember thinking something along the lines of "wow, it is gone...". I truly expected that I'll have to live with that reaction for the rest of my life.
I am now in my late thirties and frankly I don't remember the last time I reacted like that to anything. I still sometimes remember same things that used to trigger it but reaction is just not the same anymore - I think that in most cases brain rewires itself in time even if you don't explicitly try to achieve that in ways that peace2u and Kevin described.
As for the question you asked me earlier - the age difference between my children was nine years. Mind you, it is not that the trauma of my first birth kept me from having another child for so long, during that time there were other enormous changes to my life - immigrating to USA and realizing that my elder son is autistic, for instance. In some ways, the experience was useful since it made me work very hard on educating myself, taking charge and making sure that I do all I can to avoid repeating it for the second time.
Sunny, what I really want to say in all this rambling is this: at this stage, I think that most of your emotions and experiences are caused by you simply being human and not by your past illness. I can relate to many things you write and I am not nor have ever been psychotic. Go on with life, enjoy your daughter, your job, your marriage, your cooking (I can relate to that one, too
). Dark thoughts will come and go but one way or the other you will find a way to deal with them.
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