therapeutic writing

Over the years I’ve been working to heal. By applying the 12 steps… I learned to sort right from wrong. Now I’m working on forgiveness. This is what I’ve learned from working the steps… Forgive the person, not their misconduct. Now I need to go back and revise my entire thread to reflect this lesson. This is a foundational error in my processing of events. I overforgave the action because I lacked a spiritual practice to sort behaviors as right from wrong. I needed healthy boundaries and the ability to hold the actions accountable. I didn't have the spiritual practice in place until 2022. Seventeen years after the exam where I broke in response. I see my part in the events. My reaction was my responsibility.

With support from my therapist to write a complaint, I’m working to let it go. Other times I work to advocate for improving training for providers to prevent birth trauma. Action for change is the final stage in recovery.

I still find there are times when I am impacted by the gravity of the experience, the impact on my daughter who I love is significant. My response was the best I could do considering my emotional reaction to the sexual assault at her birth. It has taken nearly 18 years to even begin to process the experience. I hope to move past it, but I still feel the gravity daily.

I found myself writing repeatedly version after version of a letter to the hospital.  When I finally perfected it, I still needed support.  I thought a group led by a therapist may help.  So I went to see about an evening program.  I felt the need for care. They checked my vitals and discovered my blood pressure was back up again.  I immediately returned to taking blood pressure medicine.  Filled the script, and got the next appointment with my doctor.  I was struggling with a medical condition that was bringing up other issues. It sunk me into a deep self pity where I could only experience two states of being - love or no love.

I decided to address my health and well-being by joining the gym and scheduling time every day to be well.  Plus,  I’m adhering to the recommendation for my blood pressure medication - another long story.  For me if my physical health is not right then I  struggle with mental well-being.  

It is amazing that once I got my vitals back together…. I didn’t feel so deeply haunted. Today there is a higher option. I can let it go today.  I don’t need to send the letter because I'm not struggling today.  At this moment I feel able to let it go. Every day I wake up with love…. I just want to be well enough to release it. I am working to let it go, one day at a time.

December 3, 2022
 
Hospital Board of Trustees
 
Re: On healing 
 
Dear Board of Trustees,
 
I’ve been working to heal from something that happened at your hospital while giving birth to my daughter in 2005. My therapist is hoping I find closure. At this point, I am wondering at what point the narrative of the story becomes more damaging for me than the actual events? I am mindful of this and will attempt to make this letter brief.
·        I wonder if I had a conversation about my experience with the hospital representative or corresponded with the ethics committee, maybe it would help? I want to to let it go. But this haunts me almost daily, sometimes more, sometimes less.  
 
It has been over five years since I last exchanged correspondence with your organization – in the care of the attorney for the physician and your hospital.  It has been over two years (2020) since I wrote to the Medical Board, and then the state DHHS.  The Board said it was past the 5-year statute of limitations. But what is another ten years when working to heal from sexual trauma?
 
I feel the need to communicate with your organization. I believe the student doctor wasn’t trained to avoid my clit. However, the birth exam by that physician is not for me to forgive. That exam is between that physician, that physician’s higher power, and/or whatever Medical Ethics Oversight Committee your hospital utilizes in this type of complaint against the medical education system. My struggle today is the decision – how to live my life.
·        Do I choose to feel love, and let the forbidden love I feel ruin my potential for a meaningful intimate relationship in my life?
·        Alternatively, do I smash my hope for the physician’s love daily? 
 
Today, I see my reaction as my responsibility. My reaction belongs to me.  I drank heavily at the emotional pain I experienced due to my emotional response to the experience and my lack of life skills. In 2005, I was not equipped to process what happened at that time. The impact on my child has been significant.  Her recovery journey is her story to tell.  
 
The tears of pain in response to smashing the feelings of love are intense, but then at times I realize the amazing hope that the 12 steps provide. It helps me find my way back to the truest love – love from the universe – where I know I am loved.  A pure belief and truth that I am worthy and lovable. My belief was muddied by my response to the exam back in 2005 – an experience where I felt deeply unloved and rejected and the worst harm I’ve ever felt, for years and years. But every day I wake up with love for the physician and the belief in his love, too.  
 
People tell me the physician doesn’t love me, but I don’t want to believe them.  Most of them have never even met him. I struggle to decide how to live. I’d never wanted anything more than I wanted the physician’s love until my daughter attempted suicide in 2019, and I realized I want her to live more than I wanted the physician’s love. These things aren’t mutually exclusive, and thankfully I can support my daughter and try to understand the consequences to my life from choosing to love the physician and the resulting isolation punishing me to find the “psychic change” necessary - that pains me. I’ve accepted that the physician, medical education system, and the hospital may choose to not even acknowledge this letter.  
 
I wish there was some other option for healing than the organizational silence and my anguished mental experience and feelings of isolation.  It just sucks.  This event never should have happened (illness and/or error), I never should have had to experience this. I believe I would have gotten ill regardless, but the experience of it may have been different.  I wish my love was deemed healthy, and the sane - natural response to my experience.  And if this was a medical err, an Act of God, and/or “mental illness” that I hope I will be loved regardless.
 
Today, I believe that to further the healing, I needed to stop drinking alcohol. I used alcohol to numb my emotional response to my feelings. I needed to take a fearless moral inventory, and I needed to elevate my spirit through working the steps.  I needed to find my way to “the psychic change” necessary to begin to recover from self-pity and alcohol use.  Some days are better than others. Working the steps has released me from the cravings of alcohol, but my love for the physician comes back every time I try to let it go.
 
A trusted other in my life said I need to be totally honest and determine what is bothering me and address that fully.  When I asked myself what is bothering me, I am afraid to open this line of communication out of fear of retaliation. I need communication and a conversation to heal so I can move on with my life. This is beyond disappointment and the scorn of rejection. It’s about trying to release the attachment and grow a healthy life that I love. Why does this affliction, the love sickness keep coming back to me? I want to heal, and I’m trying to give up the struggle, and the only way I envision peace and serenity is accepting and loving the physician. My therapist wants me to grow a relationship (not the physician) in real life, (especially since having a relationship with the physician would probably be unethical?) I try to date in real life, but haven’t had any success.  Every time I think I’ve moved on, eventually I wake to the feeling of love and attachment to the idea of the physician.  Coming back to my core – it's the belief in love.  I don’t know what to do, so I don’t do anything.  I just am.  I’ve accepted my singleness and am bracing myself to spend the rest of my life alone, but I want more than that in my life.
 
Sincerely,
 
Sunny

In 2023 I hope to hear from the hospital, and I hope for closure. This is the letter I sent to the Hospital on Christmas Day, December 25, 2022.

Recently, I found myself writing letters on healing repeatedly hoping to find a way forward from my struggle with trauma from over 17 years ago. In full disclosure, I have a mental health condition and I drank heavily for years over a sexual trauma that happened at your hospital in 2005, until the doctors who biopsied my liver in 2016 said I would die if I kept drinking.

In talking with my therapist, there is still some remaining work to do as part of the process for me to release the struggle. Here is the letter I needed to write. I’m addressing my other conditions by living a healthy life and working with my healthcare team.

December 3, 2022

Board of Trustees

Re: On healing

Dear Board of Trustees,

I’ve been working to heal from something that happened at your hospital while giving birth to my daughter in 2005. My therapist is hoping I find closure. At this point, I am wondering at what point the narrative of the story becomes more damaging for me than the actual events? I am mindful of this and will attempt to make this letter brief.

· I wonder if I had a conversation about my experience with the hospital representative or corresponded with the ethics committee, maybe it would help? I want to let it go. But this haunts me almost daily when I’m not feeling well, sometimes more, sometimes less.



It has been over five years since I last exchanged correspondence with your organization – in the care of the attorney for the physician and your hospital. It has been over two years (2020) since I wrote to the Medical Board, and then DHHS. The Board said it was past the 5-year statute of limitations. But what is another ten years when working to heal from sexual trauma?



I feel the need to communicate with your organization. I believe the student doctor wasn’t trained to avoid my clit. This event never should have happened (illness and/or error), I never should have had to experience this. I believe I would have gotten ill regardless, but the experience of it may have been different if the physician hadn’t used the “back and forth” technique to “get in”, that was approved by the supervising physician who was interrupted by a nurse during granting permission to the student doctor. I wish my response was deemed healthy, and the sane - natural response to my experience. And if this was a medical err, an Act of God, and/or “mental illness” that I hope I will be loved regardless. But I got really messed up mentally, physically, and spiritually through my response. However, the birth exam by that physician is not for me to forgive. That exam is between that physician, that physician’s higher power, and/or whatever Medical Ethics Oversight Committee your hospital utilizes in this type of complaint against the medical education system. My struggle today is the decision – how to live my life.

· I can live in acceptance when I’m not well.

· I can live trying to deny my emotional response when I’m sick. I’m working with my therapist on my reaction to my struggle when I’m not well.



Today, I see my reaction as my responsibility. My reaction belongs to me. I drank heavily at the emotional pain I experienced due to my emotional response to the experience and my lack of life skills. In 2005, I was not equipped to process what happened at that time. The impact on my child has been significant including serious mental health and anxiety. Her recovery journey is her story to tell.



The tears of pain in response to smashing the feelings of love are intense, but then at times, I realize the amazing hope through working the steps spiritually to get back to the truest love – love from the universe – where I know I am loved. A pure belief and truth that I am worthy and lovable. My belief was muddied by my response to the exam back in 2005 – an experience where I felt deeply unloved and rejected and the worst harm I’ve ever felt, for years and years.



Today, I believe that to further the healing, I needed to stop drinking alcohol. I used alcohol to numb my emotional response to my feelings. I needed to take a fearless moral inventory, I needed to realize the error of the physician’s exam was not filled with purposeful intent. I needed to elevate my spirit by working the steps. I needed to find my way to “the psychic change” necessary to begin to recover from self-pity and alcohol use. I was able to lift my spirit by seeing my part in my reaction to events. Some days are better than others. Working the steps and seeing my part in things has released me from the cravings of alcohol, but when I’m not well, the sexual trauma haunts me. It comes back every time I try to let it go when I’m not doing well. I used to drink to numb the emotional pain. Today, I’m working to process the experience using skills I’ve been taught (Internal Family System Therapy) and applying the steps.



A trusted other in my life said I need to be totally honest and determine what is bothering me and address that fully. When I asked myself what is bothering me, I am afraid to open this line of communication out of fear of retaliation. I may need communication and a conversation to heal so I can move on with my life. This is beyond disappointment and the scorn of rejection. This is about the assurance that no other person will experience this preventable trauma, and this is about me asking for assurance that you train your providers, both teachers and students to avoid the clit.


I hope you will respond to my request for assurance that providers and teachers have adequate training to prevent sexual trauma today, that they are trained to work to avoid the clit, that they use a mirror if they cannot see, and ask consent from the patient, not just the supervising physician. I want to be able to work on closure.

[quote]

Island in the Sun

When you're on a holiday
You can't find the words to say
All the things that come to you
And I wanna feel it too
On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain
Hip-hip
Hip-hip
When you're on a golden sea
You don't need no memory
Just a place to call your own
As we drift into the zone
On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain
We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever
We'll never feel bad anymore
Hip-hip
Hip-hip
Hip-hip
On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain
We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever
We'll never feel bad anymore[/quote]

*-Weezer*

There is a part of me that longs to love and be loved by the physician so I can heal my some of my pain from psychological, and mental wounds. I want to believe that part of him wishes we could feel better together, too. Part of me is afraid that he'll be criminalized, or that I will be. Today, I just want to love and be loved.

January 22, 2023

Re: On healing  

Dear patient relations,

Thank you for the thoughtful letter from January 12, 2023.  I am grateful for the shift towards awareness and maybe even understanding. 

Hopefully, through training for providers, your organization will know how to prevent issues like mine from ever happening. When I passively permitted the violation to occur at the birth of my daughter, I lacked healthy coping skills to process the experience at that time. I vaguely recall a supervised appointment where the current program director may have supervised the placement of an IUD after the birth later that summer in 2005. I was so messed up by my response to the student doctor following the sexual experience/ sexual trauma at the birth in the spring of 2005. If the program director remembers me from the summer of 2005, then there is probably an understanding of the objective truth of my response. If there is documentation from that visit, it may help to reflect on the clinical notes for insight.
- Are notes available? I was too messed up at the time to explain what was going on with me. 
- Anything you can share with me regarding protecting patients (private/personal/sacred space) that is or will be part of the provider training curriculum? 
- Are there any assurances in policies that personal spaces (like the clit) are regarded as sacred/private body parts and are protected.

With time, ongoing care with therapists, and the practical application of recovery principles, I've processed most of the experience. The impact of sexual trauma has been profoundly harmful to my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  I appreciate your taking the time to correspond.   

Things that may help me and my healing process:
- assurance from the curriculum
- assurance from policies

I had the opportunity to go to see an in-person event *mod edit*. Carlos Mencia was fantastic! It was the best show I've seen in a year and a half. What got me was that he has recovered from his experience of sexual trauma as a child and he had some really painfully funny moments talking about how the abuse by a priest has made him who he is today. He talked about how abuse survivors have talked with him after the show before and said they are unable to maintain a relationship. His reply was, "He's still raping you, and your 42." On my drive home, I reflected that I comb the internet looking for love and meaning trying to make sense of my story. I hope that my story is different. I want to own it. I permitted it to happen and lacked healthy coping skills to process it at the time.

My experience was an accident, right? It is so hard to believe/know/understand. I mean, what happened? Was it my reality, his reality, or another reality? I want to believe in the best intentions. I want so badly to believe in love because it is the only way I feel okay. But it is hard to believe sometimes. I'm trying to enjoy the silence, but it reminds me of the feelings of that deep sense of rejection. Going back to my feelings and letting myself be present with how I really feel takes courage. Doing it sober is tough, and doing this work alone muddies my belief that I'm lovable and worthy.

In my imagination, I've got about all the parts of me hugging myself in the kitchen of a yacht, and as myself, their assistant captain, I haven't figured out how to read the Captain's (my higher power's) instructions for the navigation system yet to drive my sexuality and maintain a connection with deep intimacy in the context of a relationship.

I canceled my date to visit the crystal caverns today, Instead, I planned to celebrate a friend's daughter's birthday, and went to the show with another friend later.

Every day I ask for my higher power to relieve me from my addiction to thinking about the physician and my desire. I feel like I'm driving a Ferrari without breaks when I'm turned on by thinking about my reaction to the physician. I pray to God, that the way forward is the right way, not just what I think I want. When I think of and remember feeling the weight of the rejection and can't believe in love due to everyone's best intentions to tell me the physician will never love me... when all these years of CBT hit, the engine glitches - a painfully hard feeling. I feel like if I had the owner's manual or somebody had documented this before, I'd understand directions to navigate to the right path. I just feel like I'm working with magically powerful forces of nature.
-Love.
-Attraction.
-Desire.
-Hope.

And my fuel cell could drive to infinity. I mean, why would mother nature make me respond like this if it was wrong?

Every time I access this - the attraction/desire/hope/love, I get powerful emotions I feel them so intensely. I know they say feelings aren't facts, but what about sexual arousal? I'd say, that feeling is a fact. The feelings in response to my factual state of arousal are the complicated part.

My new phone broke again today. My group messages failed to be received. I reset the phone with my wireless carrier, again... But wondered why everyone was so quiet. I was only getting messages from my closest contacts. The phone's glitch gave me hope that maybe I missed something.

When I listen to my cardio playlist on Spotify I feel like the artists have read this therapeutic writing thread. I feel a lot of love listening to what the songs are saying. I'm tempted to turn off the music, but it seems to understand my dilemma better than I do. What I'm starting to explore is that I've found heaven if I believe in love. All I do is close my eyes and I can experience paradise.

2 11 23

I took some time to myself. I need to process my experience.

The house alarm just sounded. The dogs and I jumped to find out why it was echoing through the house. I called down the staircases to my daughter. She is trying to understand the speaker wire system that is in the walls. I should explain that they are AUX rather than digital. But, I don’t have the capacity to help explain something that I barely understand myself. She reset the alarm, and things returned to their steady state.

Earlier my mom who was struggling with a toothache called and I instructed to call her dentist and tell him about her swelling face, because that is the definition of a dental emergency. And that being noon on a Saturday is the best time to call for a weekend emergency. She was reluctant to call for the care she needed. She called back to say the antibiotic was being filled at the pharmacy just now.

Back to why I sat down to write.

In December I wrote about how I only feel right loving the physician. I posted it on psychforums on 12/17/22. Then on 12/19/22 the physician posted his top 5 songs and artists he’s ever played with over 15,000 minutes on spotify as a screenshot on his insta update. I of course grabbed a screenshot. It took me over a month until 1/24/23 to slow down to listen to the lyrics and think about what his top song said.

Island in the Sun by Weezer.
It about ate my heart out of my soul to hear those lyrics and know he likes that song.
Especially:
“On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain
We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever
We'll never feel bad anymore”

I didn’t know how to be. So I emailed him a message, but there was a problem with my question.
Trying to figure it out - I even sent a message… with no response*.

“Am I alone in wanting healing, or would a conversation help you, too?

The hospital sent an apology letter and forwarded my request for information about policies and training to the director.
I seek assurance that they won’t fail to train providers about intimate/private/sacred/protected spaces and that they have policies to protect against this sorta thing.

I don’t want legal issues. If my daughter decides to sue me or you someday, then that is her choice.

I want to heal, the only way I feel okay is loving my thoughts of you and comforting my inner self / the part that longs for you. I know I’m sick, and I want so badly to heal…. I just don’t know the way forward, but I trust I’m gonna be okay.

Please be true to yourself. I’m being true to me.

Are you willing to call me?”

*Then every time I got a wrong number call I’d get sick. I’d google the number…. Looking for meaning. Searching for something of a clue.

1. I found one wrong number call originated from a street address that is the same name as a famous travel agency.
2. A call about an account that I don’t have.

After the song title “island in the sun” was posted it took me a month to really spend the time to listen and hear the lyrics. I was too overwhelmed that he might* be posting in response. In mid-January, when I finally slowed down to listen, it got to me.

The next day, my YouTube history had Poker Face by lady Gaga showing up in my played history. I swear I didn’t put it there or listen to the song. But it appeared in my playlist history. It made me laugh. It is funny that it was in my history… Ugh. I guess whoever is playing with my YouTube has a sense of humor.

But that clue that something was wrong with the integrity of my technology and wireless device led me to my wireless carrier for assistance.

It took me another week for the wireless carrier to provide a hard reset while at the store, then install the security app. They detected over 28 instances of my information being stolen and sold on the dark web. I’m going to explain that the issue of having my information stolen is not all in my head. The technology user experience is so broken that it is no longer to be trusted. I refuse to use technology personally. I can no longer rely on my device. It isn’t the healthy choice. I’m stepping away from the digital reliance on information through social media and choosing daily to live squarely in real life and have a synchronous experience. I want to connect with the people I care about in real-time.

The point is, today, I want to let go of the love for the physician. I mean I feel love and forgive him, But what happened at the birth is not mine to forgive, the action involved in that experience is between him, his higher power, the hospital organization’s training and safety program, and whatever ethical oversight committee determines best practices.

I don’t have to plug into the insane belief in love from him. I can rely on my love from the real people in my life and the feeling of love from the Universe that I feel is true love. I can let the layer of belief people say is deluded (deluded=that the physician loves me) go daily and keep it real. I chose to live in forgiveness and love, but I don't have to act in response other than letting the love go.

My story is like a canary in a coal mine. Technology makes people nuts. I choose to stay in reality. At this point what choice do I have but to abandon the use of social media except when required.

I am deeply disappointed in the hospital. When I replied, to the hospital's most recent letter dated January 22, 2023, I asked one question.

How can your organization choose not to provide documentation of policies and curriculum for training providers to prevent sexual assault of birthing mothers in their care when they are aware of the risk to vulnerable mothers and babies?


The mental health impact of this issue is profound and has the potentially to impact every person who is subjected to birthing or being birthed in your system of care.

Then I copied the Governor of the state where it happened, the DHHS, State DHHS Secretary, State Mental Health Director, My State's Representative and Senator, the Senator's staff familiar with my story, and my father.

Sincerely,

Sunny

There were two typos in the draft posted earlier.

The date of the letter from the hospital was January 27, 2023, not January 22, 2023.

And the exact question I posed:

How can your organization choose not to provide documentation of policies and curriculum for training providers to prevent sexual assault of birthing individuals in your organization's care when aware of the risk of trauma to vulnerable mothers and babies?

Today, I'm grieving the loss of my stepbrother. He was my age, mid-forties (younger by a few months). We grew up together playing in the clubhouse above the garage, building forts, and attending field parties together later in high school. There are so many pictures of us next to each other. He graduated from high school the same year I did, in the mid-'90s. He was always respectful, kind, and reliable. There are these great travel photos of our trips to the lake, me reading next to Ben, to New Orleans, and traveling on the boat. There is a picture of him with his arm around my best friend - his 5th-grade girlfriend who was about a foot taller. I'm in the picture kneeling next to my boyfriend who had his arm around me, too. We were so young, giddy, and at ease. I remember being confused when an entire table of men in white kept buying me and Ben drinks one night at a bar in New Orleans. The men clearly weren't into me. And I was too dense to realize they liked Ben. It is only in my forties that I realize, Ben was a dashing young man. I just never felt that way about him. I could count on Ben for a hug, and he'd listen to me regardless of the weirdness of my storytelling, he would be present with me. I'll miss Ben. He was always good to me and our family. I found picture after picture of him when I went to reflect. We weren't super tight or co-dependent, but we had the opportunity to cheer for each other along the journey. I'll miss Ben. We knew how to "be" there together in real life. Now I'm adjusting to him being in the spirit realm. He and I could hang out and didn't have to have a plan. It is weird not having him in the physical world. One of my friends asked me how I was planning to grieve my loss. My family is gathering and I'll spend time with them, as much time as I can. But I don't want to be surrounded by my family who actively drinks at the loss.

My plans to intentionally grieve:

- I'm writing a bit. I'm going to work to live healthier the way Ben and Julie would want me to see me thrive.

- I like to take my drive to visit where his younger sister, Julie's ashes are spread out west of town. Julie died in 2018 by suicide. I feel something is missing. A restlessness in my well-being. What is not missing is my feelings. I feel sad about the loss of my brother. I grieve for his kids and the life they would have had if their dad was living. I grieve for my sister-in-law. I know she is resilient and will navigate this well. She is a talented and energetic person. It's gotta be hard, but she'll be okay, and her family has resources that will ease the transition. I'm not worried about her financially, thank God.

- Grieving alone sucks. My daughter's father called. He was close to Ben. There were a lot of pictures of them together hanging out in our early twenties. He wanted to know what happened. I explained they are doing an autopsy, but think it was a heart attack. A friend texted me later - I told her I was going to lie down... But autocorrect acted as if it could mindread. I was thinking about my ex-husband. It wrote to my friend "Just gonna lay down for a nausea." She replied, "I'd call it a Freudian slip except the machine did it. What a crazy world we live in some days." My other friend reminded me of how awful my daughter's father was to me and said I shouldn't think of him. I know she's right, I just feel so sad. I had to get off the phone and will call her back in a few weeks when I'm doing better. Hearing the apology was comforting... It made me miss having companionship. And it made me wonder if it wasn't for the computer misbehaving would I have divorced? Probably not. I don't like being single/divorced.

- Grateful my other brother is coming to visit me, then my sister and my other brother's wife. I think I should do some things around the house, and prepare for people coming.