therapeutic writing

Memory

I was chatting with a man who lives near my grade school and it reminded me of an old vivid memory.

I remember in sixth grade, I rode the bus everyday to school. There was a nice kid who I was friends with. His name was Justin and he rode the bus with me.

At the time my mom had a place by flat rock creek. I remember exploring the creek with Justin and my dogs spending time behind the pool and tennis court talking. We’d often hang out on a picnic table behind the house.

I remember getting upset with him at the end of the summer. He’d said something I didn’t believe. He told me I wouldn’t believe him, but that he wanted me to remember what love feels like.

I asked him what I wasn’t going to believe.

He said he had to go away, he was moving or something but that he wanted me to remember what love feels like, and he said he was God.

Of course I told him he was full of it. He smiled and said he told me I wouldn’t believe him.

When I got back to the house one of my brother’s blew my mind when he asked me why I was talking to myself at the picnic table?

I explained it was Justin. Apparently Ben couldn’t see him. I just figured Ben had poor vision and was too far away to see.

I remember trying to find Justin in my elementary yearbook. His picture was missing.

Thinking back, maybe it was my first mental health episode.

Last night I was meditating.

I imagined what I’d say if the physician ever came to me.

I realized I have no words.

I really just want a hug. When I realized that I felt such love from the universe. I just need to learn to lift and not sink in despair. When I envision this reunion I remember everyone explaining the physician will never love me. That just hurts. I prepare myself to hear him tell me to my face as the let down. I cognitively understand, but to this day, my biggest part of myself (in internal family systems therapy) was the response to that attraction. Learning to master myself and that desire... was not a small feat. Lifting and understanding that this is about the universe and not my wish. He could choose whatever he wants and I’m still gonna love him as another human, but he doesn’t have to marry me. And I don’t want anybody to sue. I really just want to feel peace, heal, and prevent anybody else from experiencing this. The problem is... I don’t understand and haven’t resolved my conflict about my perception of what happened at that exam.

I want to listen. I want to know his intention and what happened from his point of view.

I don’t need him, and I believe I have the skills for me to stay sane. Although I wonder if he’s anything like I dreamed him to be...

I tell myself some things are better as a mystery. But I always read the ending first on mysteries...

I imagine he must feel shame. I wish I understood what his shame feels like. I lost the ability to feel it years ago. I think it was my childhood that took away my ability to experience shame, then when I felt it a little shame after psychosis, I gave it up. I couldn’t have survived with it. I wonder how he’s doing if he’s bound by the chains of shame. Maybe in some ways I’m healthier for having gotten sick and struggled so much that I lost my shame. I can’t imagine coping with this in isolation, and with shame. That must be horrible for him. He probably would want to deny that it ever happened and build a wall around it, if he even remembers the experience.

What if consciousness is more powerful than people who perceive reality normally can appreciate?

What if I'm able to lift out of the despair and elevate my consciousness to a higher frequency?

I'm still exercising my meditation regularly by grounding and working on protective meditative practices.

My Reiki Master believes it had been too long since I'd properly been grounding my excess energy.

I believe in modern medicine, but there is only so much healing a pill can do. There was a sacred violation that happened, and I'm trying to heal using every therapy out there.

Therapies I've tried
-CBT is okay, but the therapist has no insight without access to the physician and dialogue about what actually happened.
-Internal Family Systems Therapy is helpful to view myself as many different parts working together and regulated by my Self. I've been told the therapy was the basis for the movie Inside Out. It is kinda complex and takes a firm grounding, in reality, to try to apply the theory in real life. This is the best approach to my trauma that I've had, but I believe that my therapist is right and ultimately I will heal myself.
-Motivational Interviewing, was helpful in quitting smoking. Is helpful for goal work, but not great for dealing with the memories of trauma.

Self-driven therapies that help
-Writing has been a salve to my struggle and is a more effective form of CBT. It takes what I learn in therapy and allows me to digest it, and reflect on it by holding many ideas on the page. I can't hold all the thoughts captive in my mind the way I can on the page. It really lets me examine my thinking, and revise/correct/modify thinking that doesn't help me heal.
-Art or painting has let me create images that capture my experience and allow for greater reflection.
-Meditation is wonderful these days. I couldn't always meditate though, It took a long time after the vision of the pulsing lotus flower in the third eye to get back to a place where I felt safe in meditation.
-Excersize is helpful to maintain my energy levels.
-Good nutrition is helpful to maintain my energy level.
-Avoiding substances like alcohol and tobacco make my medication more effective, and reduce my stress levels.
-Medication compliance creates a stable state for my wellbeing.

Alternative things that help:
-Connection and conversations with my friends, family, and trusted others.
-Energy healing and help from pastors, prayer, and individuals capable of channeling their higher power to find an understanding of what is happening on the ethereal plane.
-Talking.
-Being in nature.
-Time with my dogs.

My Christmas Gift to myself is the idea I'm wondering about - what if my perceptions are from a form of higher consciousness attempting to help me heal myself?

I am compliant with my traditional medical approach, but medical doctors aren't helpful to heal the spirit. So, I'm going to the spiritual healers for help. And, for reflection, my pastor hasn't been as helpful as my Reiki healer.

If you think of anything that I haven't tried that works well for your healing, please let me know.

I mean, I'm sane, but not healed. The goal is healing. Total wellbeing and better than okayness so I don't have salty holidays.

Sunny

This year I asked for an orange stone or crystal for Christmas from my mom. So she did great! She bought orange calcite. But I googled the crystals properties and it said “great for unleashing sexual energies” *Sunny laughs so hard she gets tears in her eyes*. So, thanks mom! lol I don't think she read the properties. My reiki healer recommended the color orange and a rock or crystal to help with healing.

I went back and read through the therapeutic writing thread...

Reflecting back, my sadness is still with me at times, but it isn't nearly as debilitating as it was in years past. Even this last week, I am having a good holiday season overall, despite some stress in life.

Reading the thread lowered my energy though, so read with caution, and I highly recommend watching a meditation on grounding and protection before and after to process this thread. I think the struggle and pain are kinda beautiful to read, but also stirs up the memory of feeling low for me.

When I start to feel the tears come on, I'm learning to breathe and lift my energy rather than sinking and drowning in tears. Others like Kevin (@chucky), @Tara, @Bri, and @Peace2u all tried to explain this to me in 2009, but it took over a decade and a reiki mentor to understand. They wanted me to change my thinking. I couldn't do it without physically changing my state of being with breathing and lifting my energy. I was too low.

Plus, reading about my painful or heart-warming reactions to Twitter and YouTube social media posts from the physician over the years - and reflecting on the content, his accounts are somewhat responsive to my complaints. Like the song he had that I thought was making fun of me. I didn't notice it last time I looked up the playlist to see if there were changes.

I am not totally healed, but I'm coping. I work, mother my daughter, and take care of our pets. I find the medication keeps me sane, but the work to heal the soul is challenging. Prayers for healing are welcome.

Sunny

Spiritual Weight Lifting

I'm able to breathe and lift my energy about half the time...

I counted one hour and was able to do it three times, but the fourth time I breathed through salt.

It is an improvement that I can lift my spirit at all.

I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life. I want to grow relationships and sustain them, but stigma and discrimination are common against people with mental illness - especially when dating. And I struggle with my memory of the physician. It is compelling and interesting. And to be honest I've never wanted anything like I want his affection. Any scrap would help, I've been dreaming of getting a hug, and it brings me to my knees every time. I've mentioned before that I struggle with a slippery slope. The slippery slope is my desire. At least I'm ready to try to breathe and lift out of my despairing. I can get so sad about the unrequited nature of my love that my loved ones tell me he'll never love me. It stings every time, the experience was such a violation of my personhood, and I'd never been so attracted to another person.

If I didn't have visceral needs it would be so much simpler. I think maybe I could get over this if I could just find and maintain a relationship.

I added a video to my Tea Playlist on Youtube.

I saw the Justin Beiber song Anyone auto-populate into my related music link. It shows the rock star drinking raw eggs, Rocky-style, and working out preparing for a boxing fight. It reminded me of another video I watched.

In August or September, the physician posted a video of Tyson's hardest punches ever.

I'd posted a video about my reaction to Tom Hanks' son's mishandling of fans' allegations. The YouTube viewers claimed Hanks was more than an unwitting victim of red shoes – the YouTube pedo allegations. Hank's son told the public sarcastically that the viewers were right about his family, and that's why he was living where he was with #######5 furnishings. – Note: This was not the way I think best to handle deluded allegations.

Around that time, I'd seen Hank's son's video response; I shared a video of my perspective about dealing with people who struggle with delusional mental illness – like the YouTubers who alleged Hanks doing bad things.

I explained the best strategy for navigating delusional allegations is the listen. Empathize with what is said. Agree with part of the common ground, but never agree with a delusion. And partner to get the individual care to alleviate their distress.

I'd also said that if the allegations are out of line with who you know the person to be, never agree or stay silent about the untruth because it just adds to the person's delusions.

The silence about my experience of the exam from the physician has been terrible for my mental health. The hospital attorney's correspondence objected, saying that others would view what I alleged the physician had done as wrong. He never denied that the physician did it.

If he didn't do it, I want him to tell me so, so I understand the multiverse better. At this point, it doesn't matter; he's past the statute of limitations. I haven't sued, I could have, but I don't want that future.

It would help me heal to know his truth.

I would question the universe differently if my experience didn't happen from his point of view.

If he didn't do it, then something dark crossed my path at the most vulnerable moment of my life. If he did it, I need him to tell me he didn't intend to do it, to err is human, right? If he intended to, why? What was he thinking? And I have to ask, how could you leave me like needing you so severely that I couldn't keep my mental health?

Words cannot explain the difficulty of not knowing if it happened or if I just lost my mind. Was the violation of human err, or inter-dimensional high-level drama? It's just that this event was pivotal in my life. I want to know. I know I've been sick repeatedly, but I don't know if this was a fact in this reality or not.

It truly is a game-changer if he honestly answers he didn't do it.

The truth sets us free.

Sunny

My Open Letter to New Hampshire's Administration:

An advocate suggested I write an open letter to the New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services and the New Hampshire American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology - including nurses because the New Hampshire Medical Board refused to acknowledge my complaint (the statute of limitations is 5 years, it has taken 15 years for me to be at a place to report this). My primary issue is that I don't believe the physician was trained to avoid my clit during the exam. I mean, he asked his supervising physician if he should go "back and forth to get in." (I think this is a basic rule, that everyone should comply with - avoid the clit!) Do Not Go Back and Forth to 'get in'. It should be Sunny's Law.

Dear NHDHHS, and NH ACOG including nurses,

In 2005 at the birth of my daughter I experienced a trauma. It had such a massive impact on my life, and my daughter’s. I hope to prevent others from experiencing this type of thing. I would like to request anyone attending birth have education about preventing birth rape.

I believe the student physician wasn't trained to avoid it. It has been 15 years and I still struggle with the trauma of it. I take medication for mental health and am still working with a trauma therapist. I've also started to work with meditation and a reiki healer.

After posting about advocacy in a private support group and with encouragement, I sent this letter to the state medical board as a complaint. I was notified that I can't file a complaint due to the statute of limitations (5 years, it's been 15 years). Here is the email that I sent that they aren't acknowledging.

Dear New Hampshire Medical Board,

I am writing a complaint against the medical education system’s failure to train student physicians and faculty to avoid sexual assault during birth exams. I would like assurance that every 2 years any provider attending birth receives training to prevent birth trauma and 'birth rape'.

This issue significantly impacted my well-being. At five months postpartum, I developed delusional disorder, and after 14 months, I was diagnosed with psychosis. The trauma was terrible for my mental health and well being. It has taken 15 years to be at a place where I can report this. My therapist thinks this may help with closure. It isn’t a simple story, and I struggle with unrequited love for the student doctor. I’m hoping this complaint reporting process will allow me to let go of the hope for his love. I wrote the hospital’s attorney seeking closure trying to find healing in 2017. They never wrote back.

I’m not complaining to get anyone in trouble, but to advocate to increase training related to maternal trauma prevention, patient rights, and provider skills. There is a need for prevention around sexual assault through training in this taboo area with provider education because nobody should ever experience birth rape or sexual assault while giving birth - any touching must be consented. I do not believe the student provider and supervising physician intended to harm, but the memory continues to impact my wellbeing and intimate relationships. I wrote my story as fiction based on a true story. The book is as I remember the experience (attached pdf).

My birth trauma support group encouraged me to write this complaint. I am not the only one in the group who has experienced psychosis after birth trauma. The only way things will change is to acknowledge what happened and try to heal.

Please Consider Developing Training To Prevent Sexual Assault With This List In Mind:

1. Ask the patient for permission before touching.

2. Accept “no” for an answer and find another provider if the patient says no.

3. Use a mirror if you cannot see.

4. Ask the patient if they are willing to reposition if you cannot see.

5. Tell the patient what you intend to do before doing.

6. Explain why you intend to do what you do in the exam.

7. Tell the patient as you do the exam what you are doing.

8. Do not approve students staying late without asking the patient for permission without the student present.

9. Train physicians and midwives and prevent sexual assault during exams with annual trauma and sexual assault prevention training.

10. Critical reflection incident response when a violation/trauma occurs.

11. If a violation occurs, don’t threaten to sue the patient.

* After submitting the letter I realized I want the medical history to ask how to support me during care. I want to share that I had a trauma at the birth and to read my book if you want more information. But request the provider tell me their intentions, and talk me through exams.

This Valentine’s Day is different - I have the feeling of companionship, including plans to go see some standup comedy, but am unsure if it will have staying power.

I’m hopeful but filled with tentative feelings of uncertainty. For years, I believed that the only way out of the trap of what happened was through loving the physician. As the years progress, the lack of contact has stretched my connection to the experience. I’ve grown in my ability to form new relationships and the trauma isn’t always visible above the water on the surface.

I was able to discuss my experience with my gynecologist who trains students. I sent her a link to my book with the hope she will teach students about boundaries using my story. I plan to send the book and the open letter I sent to Gov. Sununu for her information and to educate her students about the patient point of view.

I’m starting to be able to hold my memory when relating intimately and not buck emotionally. My mind used to run when I tried to connect with people emotionally. At nearly 16 years, I’d say progress is long overdue. In working with my therapist - I’m aware that I need to grow a relationship in real life to help me transition into reality and a reciprocal experience.

At times, I can’t bear the lack of feeling love from the physician when juxtaposing my memory. I get really sad if I think too much. I want something real. And I can’t live like this forever. It’s too sad. I’m tired of being sad. I want to have positive experiences in reality. I believe I’m ready to grow a loving connection, and enjoy myself in the process.

When I think of the physician - it’s rough. I don’t blame him for my illness. I would have gotten sick regardless... I wonder if this is the only way forward. It’s certainly the only way the people who read along want it to go. Even my moderator friends lamented that it pains them to see my struggle with my desire for the physician. I just get so sad when I am reminded of the longing feelings. I still feel a connection, I don’t know if I’ll always feel it. But i wish it felt happier. I want peace. I don’t know how to heal the broken bit that thinks it’s connected to the energy of that experience. Like a ghost it haunts my thinking and feeling. I want to set it free. I love the part, but it doesn’t feel right. I want a healthy dose of reality. I want to heal my brokenness.

I feel guilty for any harm I caused the physician. I can only imagine the isolation and pain I’ve caused him feeling that his exam was an error. Then my broadcasting about my experience through writing a book about it and open letters... I mean, I don’t think he intended it to be experienced the way I experienced it. I just hope the system can learn, change, and grow. I don’t fault him for my experience. I just think nobody told him how best to treat women in labor.

So here I am. I’m telling the system what I wanted. Granted it’s nearly 16 years late. But better late than never. I hope that through my actions other traumas will be prevented. Nobody should have to deal with Birth Trauma.

I was reading allegations of a Minnesota ob-gyn who was fired after reporting allegation of sexual assault by a colleague.
*mod edit*

My reaction:
That lady physician in Minnesota, she's lucky to be alive.

My reflection about why:
I disclosed my story in full detail to my lady primary care provider in *mod edit*, who ended up dead within a year of having shared my story about the Physician in 2005 who used his "back and forth" technique on my clit during the orgasmic labor, from which I still haven't recovered. It has been 17 years. I'm still not okay about it. I haven't told my new physician about the details of my story, because I'm afraid for her wellbeing if she knows too much. I got really paranoid when my last lady physician died around Christmas a few years ago. They wouldn't tell the cause of death, and there were not details that I could find in public records. Terrifying if you ask me. It took some time to process the loss of my primary care provider who was my age and appeared very healthy and well every time I encountered her. I still search for her name sometimes wondering what happened to her. In my paranoia I get worried. I even wrote to President Trump when he was in office. I explained that I thought my story is what is wrong with the power structure in the united states, politics, and the lack of a healing wellness health system. President trump even wrote back. "As President, I am honored to serve the American people and grateful that you took the time to share your thoughts."

I even wrote the Medical Board and they refused to acknowledge my report. They said it was past the statute of limitations. I wrote the Governor and posted publicly. He didn't reply, the only reaction was that day, He took a picture by a BBQ place in the Mountains by his motorcycle, instead of responding.

*mod edit*