therapeutic writing

I stopped praying.

I signed up for a prayer class at church. Was late to the first session. I’m having second thoughts about a long term goal of mine to advance my education to the doctoral level. I’ve made some A’s, but is it worth the sacrifice?

I’ve been stuck home for nearly two weeks. My teenager hung out with a friend who had covid and tested positive. She failed to tell me until he got the results back on the 11th. She tested negative. the last time they had plans was the 5th over Labor Day weekend, but my work put me under quarantine for two weeks - a member of my household had close contact with a case. So I’m home till the 25th. Thanks college kids.

The problem with quarantine is that everything in my life became virtual. It’s annoying. Work, school, and dating. All through text. I missed plans to visit my friend. I still took the vacation days for my mental health... then this Monday my kid got sick.

Non-covid sick. She has a neurological condition that makes her pass out and she didn’t feel like drinking enough water to balance out things. And she kept loosing consciousness. She’d gotten behind on medicine. It was so much drama I thought I might need an ambulance to get her to the hospital at one point. She kept passing out and getting loopy. I worried. I was finally able to navigate getting her safely the stairs out the front door and into my car. She was doing her best but it was stressful.

In the quiet moments at the hospital emergency room I wondered.

Does she have the neurological condition because of the birth trauma and adverse early childhood experience?

They gave her IV fluids and salty snacks. I guess there is only so much you can do at home. They said it was ok that we went in.

This evening in my parents back yard patio, a small gray bird tried to land in my lap! I'll take it as a sign of good luck. I was explaining something to them when it descended into my lap and fluttered with my skirt.

I talked with my therapist for a while.

I questioned what I’d do if the physician ever showed up on my door step. Would I be able to deny my visceral reaction? Am I strong enough to say go home to your wife? Would I be able to stay my ground and tell him that I don’t like anything about what happened. And that while it isn’t 100% his blame that I got sick, I’m sure about 25% was due to his action. And that my daughter and I have been hurt beyond words. The heart ache is soul wrenching. And I’m tired of hurting, I want a love, and I don’t choose the physician. I don’t want to spend my life alone. The problem is, when I remember... I’m not perfect. I don’t know if I can hold my self intact.

Why does he keep posting love songs? Higher love... I feel so conflicted and confused. I don’t understand.

And why do I get spooky voicemail calls?

Listening to music tonight.

So glad the presidential debate is over. I had to turn it off last night and take a hot bath to unplug from the toxic state of the union. I am looking forward to doing my civic duty and voting for the future this fall.

My daughter interupet my soak to ask if I was watching... so I got out of the tub and followed the remainder of the brawl. I want a president who is respectable.

I was reading about the evil demon known as Mara who visits Budha the evening before enlightenment. It's a fascinating story. The story says that Mara's three daughters visit Budha just before enlightnenment. Maybe this is a Mandela Effect, but I don't remember reading anything about Mara before 2015. I searched everywhere for Budha, lotus, madala, enlightenment back in 2005 when I was first struggling to deal with my desire issue.

The story of Buddha being visited by the daughters - attraction, aversion, delusion (pride and fear) prior to his enlightenment compelled me to consider my own story. My own inner journey with the Budha in me.

It reminds me of the experience with the physician and the exam before I saw the crown chakra open in my third eye and the thousand petal lotus with the mandela in the center, a bright yellow electrical pattern that looked like the 'divine matrix'.

Anyway, psychology today has a fascinating article recommending this - take tea with Mara. [url]https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-refuge/201508/inviting-mara-tea
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Maybe instead of fear, pride, aversion, attraction, or delusion, I need to take tea with the memory of the physician - practicing non-attachment.

My old boss whose wife believes this life is a training ground for the soul used to try to help me by saying pretend the memory is a book, and close it and put it on the shelf so you can at least have work, when I was struggling. Back then he thought I'd be able to maintain a relationship. He'd ask me if I'd found someone, I told him it was "catch and release" *knowing that until I stop loving the physician, I'm never going to want a relationship. I mean, I want a relationship, but how will it ever compare?

So, I'm going to work on imagining having tea, rather than aversion, fear, pride, attraction, and delusion. Who knows, maybe I'll learn... My friends have been saying for years, he probably isn't even my type. Imagine an actual conversation? How would that go? There is so much hurt and pain there. I don't even know how that would work.

Yesterday, I had plans, and got in the car, and the tire pressure was low. It was the second day the tire needed air, so I drove over to the tire store. They found a nail in the tire, and put in a patch and a plug, and quoted an estimate for a new set of wheels/tires for when the time comes to replace them.

I decided to sit in the sunshine outside and wait. The chair was red vinyl with thick supple foam - comfortable, but I got hot and sweaty by the time I finished. I wore my favorite royal blue 3/4 sleeve dress and slippers that was too short for relaxed sitting, but a line of rose bushes hopefully sheltered me from observation from all the couples in trucks wearing matching cowboy hats in his and hers with flag poles streaming from their tailgates and clipped above their windows.

Once I sat down, I noticed a chaotic mess of people in the parkinglot area between the the tire shop, the bible superstore, the hobby store, grocery shop, and my favorite comedy club housed in the basement of an Indian food place. The big rigs, and trump flags made me realize I'd entered a Trumpster zone. Sitting in the sunlight I meditated a bit. Everytime I could see a fully formed female figure take shape in my third eye, the crowd happened to erupt in cheers (Not my doing, just feeling the energy). She was a beautiful busty figured image. I've been struggling with a fragmented image of a flower in my minds eye upon meditation and when I wish to seek pleasure. Maybe I should meditate during crowded events more often. It was interesting to say the least. It was odd to hear a distant radio chatter beneath the tire shops' hip hop and dance music, I could have been at the nightclub accross the way. It made me imagine the attendants after hours entertainment options. I'd choose the clubs over the bible store, too.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a drone hovering over a pickup across from the garage fixing my tire. I asked the attendants if they always have drones flying around. They said no, it was part of the rally. Being in the Midwest is such a strange blend of libral and conservative believers and spying people observing everything. I don't think Trump is winning, the rally wasn't that full. But then again, I haven't seen a Biden Rally, although I ordered my Biden Harris sign. I have seen a lot of Democrat signs on my drive to work along parts of what used to be the santa fe trail.

It has been 15.6 years... I took an important step towards healing today. I wrote a letter:

I am writing a complaint against the medical education system’s failure to train student physicians and faculty to avoid sexual assault during birth exams. I would like assurance that every 2 years any provider attending birth receives training to prevent birth trauma and 'birth rape'.

This issue significantly impacted my wellbeing. At five months postpartum, I developed delusional disorder, and after 14 months, I was diagnosed with psychosis. The trauma was terrible for my mental health and well being. It has taken 15 years to be at a place where I can report this. My therapist thinks this may help with closure. It isn’t a simple story, and I struggle with unrequited love for the student doctor. I’m hoping this complaint reporting process will allow me to let go of the hope for his love. I wrote the hospital’s attorney seeking closure trying to find healing in 2017. They never wrote back.

I’m not complaining to get anyone in trouble, but to advocate to increase training related to maternal trauma prevention, patient rights, and provider skills. There is a need for prevention around sexual assault through training in this taboo area with provider education because nobody should ever experience birth rape or sexual assault while giving birth - any touching must be consented. I do not believe the student provider and supervising physician intended to harm, but the memory continues to impact my wellbeing and intimate relationships. I wrote my story as fiction based on a true story. The book is as I remember the experience (attached pdf).

My birth trauma support group encouraged me to write this complaint. I am not the only one in the group who has experienced psychosis after birth trauma. The only way things will change is to acknowledge what happened and try to heal.

Please Consider Developing Training To Prevent Sexual Assault With This List In Mind:

1. Ask the patient for permission before touching.

2. Accept “no” for an answer and find another provider if the patient says no.

3. Use a mirror if you cannot see.

4. Ask the patient if they are willing to reposition if you cannot see.

5. Tell the patient what you intend to do before doing.

6. Explain why you intend to do what you do in the exam.

7. Tell the patient as you do the exam what you are doing.

8. Do not approve students staying late without asking the patient for permission without the student present.

9. Train physicians and midwives and prevent sexual assault during exams with annual trauma and sexual assault prevention training.

10. Critical reflection incident response when a violation/trauma occurs.

11. If a violation occurs, don’t threaten to sue the patient.

Sunny

It was about a week after I’d posted the letter of complaint publicly on Facebook and psychforums. For about a week I’d felt peace and no significant issues related to the memory. Nothing – until I waited in the doctor’s office for my new lady physician to go through an annual wellness exam. After waiting a little too long, that’s when the tears started. By the next day, I struggled to stay grounded in connection with my real relationships. The memory of the fragment in my imagination got to me.

My head on the pillow I willed myself to think of my boyfriend, Paul, and fight the connection to the broken bit of memory that haunted me. This time the thought of the physician imprinting a message traced with his finger on my back brought a sudden and rapid reaction. It got to me at my core level. Feelings overwhelming my ability to stay in the moment, the tears streamed onto the pillow. It was hard to breathe.

I wished Paul was able to be there to hold me when this sorta thing happened. It happened too often over the years in isolation and was a struggle to love and release. When I imagined the doctor trace the message, I sobbed. Never in a million years in this reality. I wanted to not have such complicated feelings. Would I ever find healing from this mess?

Eventually, the sobs faded, and I fell into a deep sleep. Pure darkness took over, later my mind awoke. Unable to move my limbs or control the dream, I watched a series of small building blocks appear. The children’s style wooden block letters with a theme of fall pumpkins and little white ghosts appeared. I. L.O.V.E. Y.O.U. slowly was written in the blocks in my dream. I tried to scream and struggled to say “No.” It was the same message the intrusive thought of the physician writing in my imagination on my back. Terrified, I lifted my mind to wake from the abyss of dreamland. I’d felt powerless and afraid of what would happen in the darkness when I couldn’t move my body and didn’t have a voice in the dream. The next day I wondered if it was the subconscious loving me that I rejected about the dream. Maybe I struggle with acceptance of love from that dark space in the dream, or the lack of voice and power that made me buck and revolt.

I’ve been struggling with the fear that others would clone me and violate me in my most vulnerable state in the future. It was a terrible vision for my future clones. Would my genes be destined to relive this drama? I prayed that I would be able to mother up and fight the forces of evil – should I ever experience this again. I want to leave a legacy document that forbids the future from ever using my genes or the genes of my descendants for research or cloning.

God please tell me it’s okay to love The physician. I don’t believe I can forget. And the memory... it is so intense and brings me to things no other man can make me feel.

Is it okay to love more than one man god?

I just don’t know if I can. I think you made me to be monogamous. Believe me I’ve tried everything to escape my feelings for The physician. They just are. Like the knowing the sun is in the sky, I just don’t feel right without loving The physician.

The whole time I’m writing this I wonder if there is enough prayer in the world to heal me?

Everyone has explained that The physician will never love me. I just don’t want to believe them. I want to love and be loved. I just don’t know how I’ll get there from this broken place of impossibility.

The fire al.arm sounded for no reason tonight. The hard wired alarm, it happened when I’d just got home. I had to take my child to the children’s emergency department. She was diagnosed with the flu. I’m on edge...

10.25.2020 - I have no idea where this draft loaded from ... It is from over two years ago, but some things haven't much changed... Thankfully my kiddo recovered from that flu years ago.

I can't seem to delete this message ... and the image I wanted to upload won't go... I feel disappointed. I spent an hour creating a picture with stars in the sky and I. L.O.V.E. Y.O.U. in building blocks. WIth a pumpkin and a ghost. Words are the building blocks of our reality. They build our life and future. I really do love myself. And I want to let go of the love for the physician, but I still love. I don't know how to not love. I just need to feel and release it. Maybe in time, I'll get better at letting go of it and it won't get to me so much. Good thing I see my therapist tomorrow. I need assistance in processing this.

"Sorry, the board attachment quota has been reached."

I'm so disappointed to not be able to post my image.