therapeutic writing

I recently started making progress in therapy. I had an interaction that hit a chord with me. A man repeatedly touched his receding hairline and I noticed him. Like really saw him as a person and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So of course I made an appointment with my therapist, because invasive thoughts are really triggering and upsetting to me. It reminds me of the horrible trappings of this obsession with that physician who violated my soul...

She said to acknowledge the feelings and feel them. To enjoy being vivacious within my good boundaries that I have, and that she doesn’t believe I will have an issue. I’d explained that this is a good man. She helped me remember that he and I can maintain boundaries and have healthy interactions.

She also listened as I talked about the idea of having more kids and how I’ve always wanted to have more kids. My daughter recently brought up the idea of my being a foster mom, my teenager told me I’m a great mom and we have such a big house and nice life... I’m considering it... but I get so emotional when I think about it. I start to tear up. At my church group they showed a video to all us moms about foster kids and me and half the other moms were sobbing by the end of the video. Mascara running down our cheeks... that was in the fall. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but when my daughter got sick in the fall and had surgery, everything like that went out the window. Now that she’s better... we’re dreaming and hoping. I just don’t want unrealistic expectations.

“Like an animal forced to drink fetid water, eventually they cease to exist.”

I read there is solar eclipse on the summer solstice this Saturday. Also, my astrological charts say I have four months left with powerful healing energy. I’m hopeful the ring of fire or “light” on the solstice brings healing.

No miracles last night in the healing department. But this morning a colleague sent me a text...

Good morning! I had a dream about you last night...you made an inspirational music video and completely rocked it!! It was a full production with a swimming pool scene and CGI and you became really famous. Then the rest of the team went to this huge conference where you were the keynote speaker and people all wanted your autograph and paparazzi wouldn’t leave you alone. But you were so humble and said you just wanted to get your message out. It was awesome and I could totally see that!

It made my day. Dreams are funny. I think it would suck being famous...

Every day I check my spam filter for my eFOIA number. I wonder if I’m ever going to hear back about my freedom of information request and get a number. I decided I need to know if there are any files related to my experience at the federal government filed with the national archives (they house the vault...).

I had a dream last night I attended the funeral of my former self.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbfyuArrl2o&t=4s

Another evening with a full moon and a lunar eclipse, also known as the Mead Moon... Although, I went to sleep too early to view the celestial event. This morning when I took the dogs out, there was a thick fog and the scent of smoke like a hangover from the fourth of July. I read the news that they burnt an old wagon down in historic Westport along the Santa Fe trail in KC.

I feel unhappy that I can't release the feelings about the physician. I don't like the feeling of connection when I don't believe in his love. The karma must release me because I just can't be with it without feeling loved. I've lost my deluded hope for the physician's love. The physician is a turn-off, I don't want to bear the trauma anymore. His lack of love wounded me deeply and it hasn't healed right. I still have to explain the story every time I meet someone new trying to find someone who appreciates me. And to be honest, if they do like me, I can't bring myself to settle.

There is something that I dreamed of recently that resonated... It wasn't anything to do with the physician. I felt inspired recently with a friend of mine, I was enjoying our time, and I felt the presence of a higher power. The Celtic Viking of a man has explained to me many times before that the physician will never reach out because at this point it would just cause more harm. The physician already caused too much harm. I haven't found pleasure in this traumatic memory of that physician in a long time... Granted, in a weird way, it's hard-wired into me to want his (accidental?) abuse... If we lived in a different time I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have lost a hand as punishment or maybe worse.

I just want freedom from my memory of what happened all those years ago, because I don't feel right like this. I wish I could feel love. I don't love what happened, because it has sculpted the shape of everything in my life over the past 15 years. My life moved in an arch trying to survive the incident(s) and keep my daughter as well as possible.

I want to grow past it, I'm in school again, trying to get my life in order. But all that time reading has me reflecting. I pray to God to relieve me of the connection, that usually only lasts for the length of the prayer. I wish I could access a higher level of prayer. I wish divine intervention would release me. I'm ready to grow past this.

I just got off the phone with a friend. We laughed after I cried a bit. I realized that I'm probably never going to get over this, and I can't stand not loving the physician, it makes my heart feel so cold. I can't stand feeling like there's an icey feeling in my chest. My friend thought I should shine my light on the cold parts of my heart. Then he suggested I go take a long shower. I tried to explain if this was as simple as that I would have healed over a decade ago. If this was so simple that a little pain could have reset my emotions, I wouldn't be struggling 15.5 years later. I explained that because I can't rid myself of my issue, I'm going to move past it to acceptance and marry the memory. What else can I do?

In 2016, I remember talking with Mitch, my old boss. He's the kind of guy who knows how to make things happen. He asked me what I wanted. He read my book, and knew the story, he asked becasue he wanted to know. I lied and said I just wanted the physician to know the pain I've experienced. I was too afraid to say what I want. I want the physician to marry me.

I just don't know why he'd want to... What would be in it for him? A delusional partner who finds the thought of him to be a turn off? Just what he's looking for, right? Someone who wrote a book and dedicated her life to mental health advocacy, because his touch was too intense for her to process... imagine interacting with that daily. If that isn't karma, I don't know what is.

It would be like the worlds longest most intense guilt trip of an engagement.

I need divine intervention. Or something to warm my frozen heart.

I should have had a sign at the hospital. “You break it you buy it.”

I was reading back through a letter I wrote to my pastor in 2018… made me reflect…

It’s been over 15 years. I am mostly through the hardest part of recovering from a false-realities – figuring out who I trust and learning who loves me regardless of my illness. Now the pain is the coldness growing inside of me from the words where my loved ones have explained the doctor does not love me. If someone could tell my sister to stop reminding me, that would be great.

I still struggle to keep from tears every day. Believing he loved me guided me through some of my darkest times. I still love that man, even if it is unrequited. I always want to love him, even though I’m still upset about what happened. I mean, I try to forgive him, but everytime I’m intimate with a man, the memory of my attraction haunts me. My biggest struggle is that I haven’t done much healing. I don’t know how to heal this wound. I’ve tried everything to nurse myself to wellbeing. I’m good most of the time – excluding romantic intimacy, which gets messy emotionally and challenges me. I wish it was acceptable to be loved by him and to love him. I want more than anonymous posts and hoping for song playlists posted in my name on YouTube to be true. Not all those lists are mine...

I’ve been lucky to have people around me who listen. Their listening and sharing helped me, time and again. I’ve gotten past some of the urgent pain and physical needs of being young and filled with desire. I learned how to build my personal relationships, to grow my support system, and build relationships to sustain me, including my spiritual understanding. I hope to grow in my understanding. I feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to grow the way I have and accept the reality we are in, and feel inspired to work to make life a better place.

Working for the doctor’s “mothership” back in 2018 was a struggle. I worked for an organization where my job regularly reminded me of the trauma I experienced at the birth. The experience of my love being rejected by the doctor was too much to re-live every day. In 2019, I left that job. I worked to manage my personal challenge of the feelings of pain it brought working there. I’d prayed that eventually working in the organization would become less painful. I tried and made it almost a year, but I couldn’t work to support my daughter and myself at that job. I couldn’t bear it. Being challenged like that was too much. I wanted to be in a place where I didn’t have to write with a pen name, and didn’t need to hide the nature of my struggle, and I was scared. I just wanted to be loved. So, I took a job in mental health.

My calling is to help build a community where we want to be – to help others navigate through struggles with physical or mental health conditions, to face death, loss of mental health, and other states of being, to search for ways to cope through transitions, find peace, and comfort. I want to help people on their journey and to serve my community. Whether others want help finding peace in God’s love, which for me only lasts the length of the prayer, or to navigate through the trials of the loss of physical health, forgiveness, or to go out of this world, to help others hold on when they need help, I feel humbly able to do the Lord’s work and serve other’s in need of emotional support on their journey. Just don’t ask me to do anything intimate unless you want to explore heartache and pain, because I always go back to loving the physician. Even if it is the biggest turn-off I know. His silence for 15 years hurts bad. But I’m messed up over him. Just to feel his hug, his embrace just once in my dreams gives me hope. And the ring of light I found in my vision of him… that was full of the most intense love I know.

I published my story in 2015 with a feminist press. The book was the most important work I've done to date to help me process my experiences and be able to explain my experiences to my loved ones. But my struggle to move beyond the pain of my trauma is intense. My pain is beyond that which the traditional medical community can heal. I take my medication every day and it keeps me sane, however the trauma of my experience was reopened and is agitated regularly by my professional work at the “Mothership” organization. I found that work triggering. Even though, I had regular care with my psychiatrist for medication management, and a therapist who I work on strategies for managing my work situation, but in addition to her professional assistance, I think a spiritual element needs attention. I like to work with people who listen, who’ve helped others navigate occupational struggles. People who understand the impact of trauma - where sacred space was violated, and an accidental sexual abuse occurred during an extreme physiological life event - giving birth during labor when a physician accidentally examined me too intimately. I fell in love with the memory of him. My husband refused to love me through the trauma, and I finally divorced over 8 years ago.

Now I’ve admitted what I want. I’ve been struggling with this for 15.5 years. It is a relief to share what I want. I want marriage. I have a back-up plan that I’m okay with... But, in my fantasy, he asks to marry me, comes to my house, knocks on the door and proposes. Sometimes I pass out, other times I cry, mostly I embrace him, and explain, all I need is his love.

I try so hard... it is so confusing to experience what I do. I need to learn to make peace with the memory.

My therapist has me and the man I’m seeing trying to “stumble around with emotional intimacy”. Our assignment is two movies that use IFS therapy... she isn’t able to see me in person for EMDR until after the pandemic.

The goal is to center myself and keep the part that holds the memory of that attraction from driving... Jesus... it feels impossible when I’m struggling to stay in a relationship... I’m really good at failing and wanting distance.

I walked on the prayer walk today.