therapeutic writing

https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/2831428/maternal-care-mistreatment-cdc-study/

https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/72/wr/mm7235e1.htm?s_cid=mm7235e1_w

Why do I still feel heartache?

Every day I pray for help to know the next right thing to do. I’ve forgiven the physicians involved in my story, not the action, that belongs to the physician and the medical ethics community. And honestly, it is worthy of discussing birthing people’s rights.

I advocate for needed training and education around maternal and child health.

Every day I pray at least once for knowledge of the next right thing and the power to carry that out. I also work to surrender my own emotional reaction and let it go. Why won’t it heal? What action will it take to relieve my pain?

My trauma therapist believes I need to grow a healthy relationship. I’ve had the list of things I hope for in a healthy relationship posted on my refrigerator that feels like an eternity. I haven’t found anyone who is interested in me, who I want to be with. I believe I’m worthy of love and have so much love to give. Why do I feel so isolated by this experience? I have a conference this week – a regional conference. I was invited by work to attend. I will be there.

Gratefully I had a dream that I got drunk, and it was only a dream. It gave me relief in the dream. When I woke up, after I firmly determined I was sober and it was just a dream, I laughed at the humor of my higher power. It was so funny to think so desperately in the dream that I’d need to redo everything I worked so hard to learn. I remember begging God to show me what I missed spiritually in my program to drink. Grateful my higher power has a sense of humor, and that I got to wake up from that experience totally sober.

I’d prayed last night before bed for God to give me relief from my emotional reaction to my experience. In the dream, I got drunk on an orange liqueur that I used to buy to make this chocolate almond tart recipe from Bon Appetite around 2004.

Last night in the dream when I got drunk on orange liqueur, it had felt so good to feel the warmth of the dream of liqueur in my body. That is what I did for years to numb my emotions. When I reached for the lighter in the dream I realized, I’d relapsed. When I realized I was in a relapse I wanted to be with people I care about. I begged God to show me what I did wrong going through the steps for it not to work. When I woke up totally sober, it made me reflect. The night before I wrote a letter to my higher power asking for help. I wanted to be relieved of my struggle and see the way forward. At least my God knows what makes me feel better. It isn’t the long-term solution to my dilemma. Why is God so funny? Giving me a drunk dream when I need help to not overreact to the stimuli at the conference, and not make it about me. I need the courage to make it through the conference and do the right thing whatever that is. Listening and being present, taking notes, and pausing before reacting. My story is a story of a broken birthing system in the United States and a serious trauma response. I will write a letter about the conference and share it if it feels right.

Before bed last night I prayed to God for help. At least he knows what makes me feel better. But it my dreams aren't the long-term solution to my dilemma, are they? At least not that one. Why is my God so funny? Giving me an alcoholic drunk dream when I’m feeling like this. I pray for knowledge of my higher powers will, and the power to carry that out. I hope I can relax and have fun at the conference. I’ve done the work. I hope the conference knows that many of the people in the audience will have experience with this topic. I know I’m not alone with this issue. I'm going to be okay, whatever the reaction, it will pass in time. I will let myself be emotionally present and feel my feelings. I've had more than enough coaching with my therapist for this. You'd think after 18.5 years, I ought to be ready to show up for myself and my daughter at a place like this.

I wish my toilet wasn't having issues. My plumber will be here first thing in the morning. I may be late tomorrow. But, life happens. At least the water heater got fixed the other week.

While usually my tears are on point, and I cry when I hear sad stories. There is something that has been making me cry lately. When I feel attracted to single men, my age, who are kind, intelligent, and intense, the way I like it, I have the thought "Why would he sign up to help me heal?" The idea rolls in and causes terrible embarrassment. Because I wouldn't want anybody who'd be attracted to tears. Nobody but the very broken are attracted to the broken parts. My emotions rise up and I struggle to remain okay. I know this has nothing to do with the men I'm attracted to. And my reaction to them - with tears need to go, because the reaction is erroneous. But there are so many reasons why I am a good partner, and someday somebody will be a match.I I have the rest of my life to figure it out. Yesterday at the suggestion of my therapist I made a list. I came up with a list of the first 50 reasons I make a good partner.
1. funny
2. intelligent
3. brave
4. curious
5. talented worker
6. employable
7. amazing recovery story
8. loving
9. kind
10. giving of self
11. forgiving
12. educated
13. able to adapt/flexible
14. care about health physical/mental/spiritual/emotional
15. good family values
16. good family relationships
17. I've done the work and continue to do the work to heal
18. creative
19. good with my hands
20. physically attractive
21. playful/fun
22. adventurous
23. willing to try new things
24. take feedback and direction
25. good listener
26. open minded
27. thoughtful leader
28. I try at things
29. tenacious
30. grit
31. sense of humor
32. assume positive intent
33. avoid malicious gossip
34. love to cook
35. love animals and children
36. enjoy connecting
37. ability to empathize
38. good personality
39. humble
40. strong sense of character
41. integrity
42. ability to trust others
43. value people first over things
44. financially responsible
45. invest in my future
46. great mother
47. excellent teacher
48. good driver
49. choose solid friends to surround myself with
50. good relationships with others
51. prolific writer

Closure with gratitude for my healing

This is challenging to share gratitude for who I am today. I would not have become the person I am without the terrible error from the medical student who wasn’t taught to avoid sexual assault during birth exams in 2005.

However, I have a deep appreciation for who I am today. The exam created the backstory that created a struggle at my soul level. My struggle prepared me for a future I couldn’t have possibly imagined 18.5 years ago.

The mistake never should have happened. What happened was beyond anything a human should endure during medical care. I wish I’d had an advocate to protect me from that situation, someone on my team who had empowerment and was competent to protect against sexual abuse. Today, I am grateful for my experience and the years of struggle because it prepared me to find a deeper love than I ever knew was possible.

Knowing the dark side of the experience and the lack of training around the topic - I sincerely request the medical board, DHHS, HRSA, and other agencies to train providers about sacred relationships, sacred space, sexual assault, consent, and the rights of vulnerable people. Educate staff to prevent sexual assault during birthing exams.

With cases in the news I am not the only person to experience sexually inappropriate touching during gynecological, prenatal and obstetric care in the United States. Please train providers to prevent this inappropriate experience from ever happening.

I will always care about the people whose lives intersected with mine. It is not okay that this happened in New Hampshire’s system of care in 2005. It isn’t fair that it was past the statute of limitations and dismissed by the New Hampshire medical board. They never addressed my complaint against the medical education system. I hope to see training mandated to prevent future violations like I experienced in medical care. I wish for closure and hope for no contact as I live my life, not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it. My experience and story let me reach others and provide my experience, strength, and hope showing how I’ve healed from sexual abuse and recovered from alcohol use and serious mental illness through years of internal family systems therapy with a trauma therapist, psychiatric medication and working the twelve steps in AA. I am moving on in my life.

On healing...

It takes practice every day to let it go...

Every single day, I practice forgiveness at an internal and personal level. I forgive the individual, not the behavior that I failed to hold healthy boundaries to deal with in the moment. That exam isn't my stuff, I can only control my reaction to the abuse. I turn over the sexual abuse to my higher power because it is too much for me to bear. I still get upset and look at his song playlist and get in touch with how I really feel... my emotions about what happened stir when I listen to the music. I've heard other people tell me, "If you feel it, you can heal it." When I just can't listen anymore, I go do something that makes me feel productive or I work.

There are only two things I can change in any situation:
1. My attitude
2. My actions

I'm trying not to be too attached to people places and things. I practice non-attachment, I practice unconditional love, and letting it go. I work to let things go, and try to learn from my relationships with others. I try to maintain the relationship with the one person I have maintained intimacy with for about a year... We first encountered each other back in 2000 on the streets of an eastern town. I was walking down the hill, he was jogging up the hill. As I stepped off the curb I was almost hit by an unmarked white Van. But I kept walking until the van wouldn't stop honking, and I turned and saw the jogger jogging backward up the hill. When he locked eyes with me he turned the back and jogged off up the hill. The back of his shirt said NAVY.

That morning I'd had a terrible disagreement and my (yet-to-be) daughter's father. Jack had said I was lucky to have Jack in my life because nobody else could possibly love me. I'd prayed to God to give me hope that someday, someone could love me. That's when I saw my future husband for the first time.

But even my current husband agrees in part with Jack. I need to do more work in the relationship. My significant other, gets really into the moment and taking care of things when he is upset. My typical pattern is very different from his. I shut down and feel my feelings to let my heartbeat. My navy man pushes himself. He believes he wouldn't be here if he hadn't pushed through. I get mentally unwell when I push myself like that. We are very different. It's a vortex connection, with karmic ties according to the pattern app. I'm just grateful for the time he's in my life. If he can't stay, I'll be grateful for the time we have together.

I live my amends in my relationships with the people in my life who care about me by not drinking.

I've done the work to advocate for reform and birth rights at the community and system level. I've written letters that were ignored by the medical ethics oversight committees due to statutes of limitations. I've written to DHHS, CMS, and others about my experience. I believe that an empowered community health worker armed with information about appropriate boundaries would have been a protective force during my experience with the student.

So, I feel this messed up mix of feelings. I pray to be relieved of my defects of character that cling to this memory.

At the birth of my daughter in 2005 I lacked the skills to process my experience of an exam. I won’t harm you with details, but looking back, I needed a doula or community health worker to help support me and hold healthy boundaries with the student who examined me during the spiritual experience of giving birth.

Like the ancient symbolism of motherhood, I experienced the lotus flower blooming in my third eye during meditation at the birth. My natural pain pathway took me to a vortex and bright light with sparks of light and feelings of love from the universe. I've read of lotus eater's who used opium in opium dens at the turn of the century in the old silhouette intrigue romance novels I used to read. When nature took me to that space, I knew the obsession of addiction.

It was the most beautiful vision in my third eye that I’d ever seen. There was a thirteen-dimensional Mandela at the center. I’d never felt more love than I felt in the moment, but when the wires got crossed, and the touch of the student mixed with love from the universe, I became transfixed by the experience. The exam violated the sanctity of my family, and wounded me spiritually, voided my emotional health, split me intellectually, and has been labeled as sexual abuse by contemporary healthcare providers.

I wasn’t spiritually fit for the experience, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the memory. The problem was my attraction to the man. I couldn't deny my visceral reaction. I still feel pain, desire, sadness, soft, hard, teary, burning emotions about it. Eventually, I lost my mental health. Granted, I was drinking to cope with the memory. Back then, I wasn’t able to see how the drinking, sleeplessness, hormones of new motherhood, what I ate, how I stressed, and other factors created a perfect cocktail for cognitive decline and delusional mental illness. Drinking seemed to be the only way I knew how to numb my emotions in my twenties. Today, I’ve learned how to live through my emotional reactions, and I feel healed, although I still have lots of emotions I’m grateful to be able to feel about my journey. I’ve also learned about dysbiosis, gut health, and the oral, gut, brain axis. I now know how healthy behaviors make a difference in my health.

It took 16 years, a liver biopsy, and a surgeon that told me I could never safely drink again to set me on a quest to learn how to live sober. Through living sober, two decades of therapy, including a trauma therapist who trained me to use internal family systems therapy, and through learning the principles of the 12-steps to process my life, I’ve healed for today. But every day, I must let go of the memory, and surrender the struggle to my higher power, choosing to live well.

The medication prescribed for my mental health worked, but every time I went off it I’d get sick again, but there were also unaddressed imbalances. Looking back honestly thinking about my environment, social, and relational factors has given me insight. And I’ve done the work learning how to practice forgiveness, live my amends, and write the letters to do my work to take care of myself with healthy boundaries that I lacked earlier in life.

My experience has shown me the consequences of certain behaviors to my thinking, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, and resulted in harmed relationships. Today, I choose to live healthy and well. I’ve done the math and if I did everything I need to do to be healthy and well, I’d need 14 hours per day just for wellness. With a 40 hour work week, I haven’t found the right life blend, yet. Healthy behaviors I need include sleeping, not using alcohol, keeping clean with personal care, toothbrushing, flossing, physical activity, and eating to support my microbiome is as important as managing other health conditions for my wellness.

I know I'm gonna be okay today.

I saw you after my meeting. I was on my way home. Why were you in my town?

It had just started to rain. I had the moonroof open and “adore you” playing on the stereo.

You walked out in front of me as i went to turn onto the parkway. I recognized you, but thought - it couldn’t be you. I was not sure if you saw me and my car with the purple led lighting illuminating the pavement.

I paused to think, should I call out Your name? To see if you'd respond. I could have offered a ride. Maybe offer space to avoid the rain, but I didn’t choose to do that. I left you on the street out in the rain. You hopefully got to feel the heavy tear drops from the heavens pour down.

My sponsor said that was the right action. She said I need to let it go. And observed that the sight of you is not as I used to fear it would be, considering how i once felt. She believed God put you on my path to show me that.

You looked like you're depressed, or hadn't slept, my heart felt sad at the sight of you, despite your smile, and conversation, as you kept your head forward and walked on by.

Maybe you were studying the purple ground effects from my opt-7 lighting on the pavement speckled with rain drops.

The Asian military type guy behind you connected with me with his eyes and nodded as I firmly held my ground before he walked in front of my car with his colleague. He seemed aware, like he knew who I was and the significance of the moment where I didn't even consider the thought to drive over you, when you stepped into my lane. Seeing you I stopped immediately and wanted to study you.

I stopped, to let you go safely. I made a pivotal decision about the world at that intersection in my life.

You see, it's not all about you or me anymore. I have a pressing purpose to love my partner. If half of what he says is true we all should be more informed. Why doesn’t the US take better care of our veterans? He is the smartest person I've ever known. He needs to be loved so much. The way things are now... I need to love him as his wife. Honestly my higher purpose is essential to me. I know it probably sounds insane, but my life prepared me for him. I'm connected so deeply to him. I can't imagine a world without his love. And to be honest, he's not a second fiddle type of person. He would leave if I strayed, I would give my life for him. I love him deeply.
I’m grateful to feel nothing but love, forgiveness, and sadness upon seeing you.
I didn't know what i wanted from you anymore if I did call out... so I went home.

Then I got all into my feelings. And posted songs.

I care about wellness. I hope your heart is warmed by my love, safe driving skills, and the decision to go on going our separate ways.

This morning I woke and my weird soul tie felt ok. I'm Gonna keep loving you, practicing forgiveness and letting go.

I choose a deeper love for my husband and to live by the principles I’ve been taught for healing.

God, why is it so hard to let go...

Please give me knowledge of your will and the power to carry that out.

I talked to a friend last night. I explained how screwed up everything feels now. She empathizes with me on a deep level.

I might as well have been exposed to "crack cocaine" seeing him in real life...

My head is a mess.

Got up from prayer and meditation and a large wasp was by my right side...