Another DDJ story – same nightmare

Many thanks to all of you for this forum. I am not so alone anymore.

My story is similar to others with a DDJ husband. We have been married for 14 years and have two children. We have been very happy - healthy children, good jobs, and a great place to live. My husband was a wonderful fun person, loving, great father, surrounded by many friends. I remember that before it all started I used to thank God regularly for all that we had been given. In retrospect, I wonder if I realized even then how fragile it all was.

Seven months ago, my husband suddenly accused me of infidelity. I travel several times a year to conferences for work, and my husband became convinced that I had affairs on these trips. If I would just confess, he would forgive me. I was flabbergasted, and I am afraid that I did not do a good job of defending myself; I just could not believe what he was saying and how he was acting. He was a completely different person, with intense eyes and a scary presence. I felt intimidated, embarrassed and yes… guilty, for having gone on all those trips never realizing how he felt. For 4 months, I did not tell anybody what was happening. We started marriage therapy and I began to work on all the things I could do to be a better wife. I thought if I showed him my devotion, he would stop the crazy accusations. I stopped traveling for work; I focused entirely on him, the kids and the home. My husband, meanwhile, stopped helping around the house and took off his wedding ring. He started going out with his friends more often, out to bars and concerts. I thought he might be going through a mid-life crisis…but then his accusations became more and more frequent. They would always start with him asking for me to “connect”, to “open up”, “share my thoughts”. He would ask about my work, about specific conferences, who did I meet, were there ever any flirtations, any sexual encounters. All he wanted was for me “to speak openly and honestly”, everything would be OK, he would “forgive” me! But anytime I would start to share my love for him, for our family, how happy he makes me, how nobody can compete, how I enjoy my work but my family comes first etc…. He would not listen, he would start speaking over me, saying that I was lying, that there were “too many inconsistencies and untruths" in my "stories”, that I was incapable of being honest.

Eventually he started saying that the only way to save our marriage was for me to confess. The question was not if I had cheated, but when and with how many men. Several times, when we were out in public places (mall, airport, ice-skating rink), he became enraged because I was “looking at a man, smiling and making eyes at him”. We discussed this in couples therapy – he would recount the specific incident very clearly with lots of details, I on the other hand could not remember many specifics since nothing had happened! I would become confused, to the point where I would start wondering, perhaps I did smile at that man… but which man? , I don’t know…. It would be all so confusing and crazy…

We stopped going out, stopped seeing friends. I went through an angry period where I did not want to be with him, but then he was nice again for a few days and I imagined things were better…. But quickly the accusations started again.

I found this forum two months ago and became quite depressed, not too many stories of people getting better. I went to a psychiatrist and told him my story, he agreed that it is likely that my husband has a delusion, but without my husband coming in himself, he can’t be sure … and my husband of course refuses to seek treatment. He terminated the couples therapy when the therapist refused to diagnose me with narcissistic personality disorder, which my husband is convinced I have. He is seeing his own therapist, but I am not sure that she understand what is going on, my husband tells me that she is helping him to “set boundaries” and “recognize the abuse” that I have put him through….

And this perhaps is the worse aspect of this disease: the isolation and lack of understanding that the spouse of the DDJ experiences, as few people know about this disease. My husband’s family, with whom I used to be in very good terms, have all turned their back on me and do not want to speak to me. I realize that it is probably easier for them to believe that I have been living a double life for 14 years, constantly lying and cheating, than to think that their son/brother is having a mental breakdown. I understand, but it still hurts after years of thinking that you are part of the family…

Anyway, now the big question is how is this affecting the kids? And what am I suppose to do about it? We have managed to keep most of our arguments quiet and we remain civil in front of the kids, but I know my daughter (11) has noticed many things. I can’t bear to think of divorce and what that it will do to them. But my husband wants a divorce- as he says, I have given him “no other choice”. I feel so guilty because my parents were divorced, and as my husband reminds me “his family does not divorce” and so in the end its all my fault. I know this sounds pathetic and ridiculous, but when you live with someone who accuses you all the time, a part of you ends up doubting yourself and believing him.

My husband says he wants a divorce, but as far I know he has not done anything concrete towards it (a part from speaking to a few lawyers) and he says he will not move out. He wants me to agree to a divorce and to come to him with a proposal…. I am waiting and praying that things will improve…

Dear Wife of DDJ,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know how difficult it is to see the person you love change before your eyes. It is surreal.

I believe that my previous partner has persecution DD. See my previous posts particulary one entitled MY STORY. Things all changed within a 6-7 month period for me also. I also tried to convince my partner that I was not doing the things he was accusing me of. I know how you feel when you say that you doubt yourself. I did too, even though I knew I was not doing anything. I would banter back and forth trying to convince him of how much I loved him and of how I am an honest person..but to no avail. He is ill and rational conversation does not work. It's hard. He also said to me..."just admit it and I'll forgive you and your family." So many similarities you and I share. You are not alone.

I can only imagine how hard it must be after 14 years and children. I encourage you to continue counseling for yourself. Perhaps find a counselor with knowledge of DD and mental illness. I did and it really helped. This all came as a shock to me and I did not know such illness could just appear.

Please be good to yourself and take good care. I'm thinking of you and your children.

Thanks cdc for your response. I have read your post, several details struck me as so familiar:

- "I don't believe you. I will never believe you"

- This time it was like he had turned into another person. He began yelling and swearing at me...calling me a liar over and over again.

- The most difficult part of this whole thing is that most other people would never know that my ex-fiance is not well.... It is like he is two people. Then he gets "the look", becomes anxious and irritated.

-I do miss the person I fell in love with. I do mourn the loss of our future together and the dreams we spoke of...children and travel. He is a compassionate, generous person. He is no longer the same person anymore though. It's a process to let go.

I understand all those things you write oh so well, and these similarities convince me that we are dealing with a real disease, with clear symptoms. I can recognize the look so clearly now, sometimes i force myself not to look away, to really see the disease square on, and understand that this is not something I can control.

I am seeing a therapist too for myself and it helps, but there are so few answers about this disease. Reading this forum, as painful as it is, has helped tremendously, understand what is going on, facing reality.

Thanks for your thoughts.

wifeofDDJ wrote:...
- "I don't believe you. I will never believe you"

- This time it was like he had turned into another person. He began yelling and swearing at me...calling me a liar over and over again.
..

My wife isn't DDJ so much, more persecutory and grandiose. She isn't showing symptoms at the moment but has been for a good chunk of the last two years.

But I have also been accused of lying, multiple times. I've also been accused of "reading from a script" (not sure how that would work exactly, if only one of us has this supposed invisible script, but whatever). Also the "turning into another person" experience.

I made a call yesterday for an appointment with a therapist, just for me to help sort out how to handle this. Especially how to handle my own anger at my wife's behavior, even though I know she can't control it, it isn't really her but I get angry at all these unfounded accusations nonetheless. Also how to help my 8 year old son handle what is going on. I realize I'm really lucky I have insurance that will pay for some therapy visits for me.

As bad as our situation is I feel even sorrier for you folks dealing with a DDJ spouse, that sounds like the lower levels of Hell.