Delusional Disorder/Jealousy - Husband

I have been reading the posts of this particular forum for almost
5 years now and am hoping that by writing my story that it will
help with my coping. I feel like I know many of you, i.e. Faithful, bsc, notacheater, and others from 2003 and beyond. I am a loving, faithful, wife of 33 years, retired, and still in love with my husband. We have been going through 5 years of hell, on both our parts; me with sadness, anger, depression, and any other feelings of helplessness and my poor husband with his delusional jealousy. I know it must be horrific for him to have these thoughts in his head.
We have been through our family doctor, marriage counselors, psychitrists, psychologists, pastor and social workers. All, so far,
to no avail. If the delusional person does not have an inkling that they have a problem and refuses to continue medication, there really isn't anything that seems to work. I know that we both love each other - at least he tells me so - but when he has his "episodes" I am barraged with vile words and silence for
days.
I know what you mean when you say they get "that look" - hooded eyes, skin color changes and their little "harumps" when
something on the TV relates to an unfaithful wife. I try to do
something in another room. Leaving the house sometimes is out of the question - it only adds to their fantasies - meeting someone,
etc.
I have weighed the possibilities of us separating but if he had a
terminal illness, brain tumor, etc. I would be by his side. Why would I want to leave him, live somewhere else when we are in
our dream city, home and in our late 70's? How much time do we
have left? I try to continue each day with normal functions, and
routines. I belong to many groups, both charitable and social so
I keep myself busy. He just seems to get more sullen and with-drawn weekly. If you were to meet him you would not know that
he has any problem at all, except he's quite quiet. He had a very
good profession and is bright, used to have a great sense of humor and everyone likes him. I'm the only one getting this, what I call his "Jekyll and Hyde" demeanor.
He is a very non-confrontational person and has sworn to my children that he would never lay a hand on me. His children, all
over 50 so far are in the dark. They live i other cities and I have
yet to tell them about their father. The counselor I am seeing now seems to think I should tell them. I think it would only make it worse for me here at home.
I'm sorry this is so long - I could even go on and on, but I wanted to know if anyone has come across this horrible disorder with people our age? It's almost comedic, if it wasn't so devastating.
Oh yes, I am the one seeing someone and taking Lexapro for
depression - ironic, isn't it?

Hi, Goldengirl30! I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe you should tell your children, like the counsellor said. They might be able to help you and maybe even help your husband see that he has a problem. He may be angry that you talked to them about it, but you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. You deserve support.

I agree w/ Jasmin. It's sad to say, but realistically, whether you tell your children or don't tell them, it won't change his condition either way in the long run. But it will give you some support. You have to look out for yourself. If you have close friends, confide in them, too.
go for it.

Oh yes, I am the one seeing someone and taking Lexapro for depression - ironic, isn't it?

Yes, it is ironic. That's how I started taking Zoloft. But you need to take care of yourself. Whatever it takes: psychologists, psychiatrists, medicine, friends, forums....

Take care of yourself.

Re: "I have weighed the possibilities of us separating but if he had a terminal illness, brain tumor, etc. I would be by his side."

I spent a lot of time on those thoughts myself. My then-husband even used that as more "proof" he was not delusional, because if he were really ill, I would never leave him. He said, "If I had Alzheimers you would not leave me, would you?"
By then, all I could reply was, "No, but I would know that you would DIE of it eventually. I can't spend the next 30 years denying that I am boinking the mailman."
"Would that be so bad?" he asked.

I was 50 when I left him. It just got to the point where I could not take it anymore. There was no joy in our lives. He hated me, it was obvious. I actually thought leaving him was the kind thing to do, let him be free of his evil, coniving wife.
Sigh. He just got himself another one, and is now doing his best to destroy her life. When their divorce is final (if he does not kill her and himself first, he has made it clear that that is his plan), he will just go on to some other unsuspecting woman.

I also vote to tell your children & friends. Mine were also in the dark for some time, but have been very suportive. Being alone and no one knowing about what I was going through was very hard. When I thought about, "what if it were some other illness" I realized that if it were, I would not be alone, friends and family would flock to me with offers of help. That is why this illness is so different, we treat it different from the start by dealing with it in isolation. Your friends and family will not convince your husband that he is ill, and they need to know that, that all you want is their support, their hugs (and maybe their spare room if it comes to that). As has been said before, take care of yourself.

Dear Faithful, Qwerty, Jasmin and Goodwife - thank you for your kind messages. I seem to have left the impression that I do not have a group of supporters. I do tho; MY family, His brother, girlfriends and this new counselor. But I hope you all know that the kind of support that you all give and the empathy you exude through this forum is something I look for daily. I have even had a psychiatrist that I KNEW never had a client with this disorder! I'm sure I could have helped him out with the research I had done myself, lol. I have had everyone tell me I will go on like this until I can't take it anymore. Now that I am on a small dosage of Lexapro I seem to handle this very well. I am really seeing this new counselor for my anger management. This is the only thing I can have any control over. And I know it comes from MY past with experiences starting with my father. It also helps to just walk away from him during his "demon time". He seems to stop his verbage and either leaves the house or goes to sleep. For a couple of years we would just get into screaming fits and it took me a while to see that this behavior seems to just escalate his delusion. These episodes don't happen every week, but they do seem to get closer and closer. Our life has turned into just a companionable arrangement. At this age (78) I guess I'm going to settle for that - I don't have the strength to try and make it anything more. I'm trusting in the Lord and waking each morning with hope and knowing I have people like all of you and my family and friends for support. I'm going to speak again with my counselor about telling his children. I have found that when I have told my husband that certain people know of his condition, its true that he is angry at first but then calms down. Thank, all of you, for responding to me. I still would like to know of anyone else my age that is going through this.

I am aged 64 and my husband 67. He has DD for a long time and I have lived with his jealousy and more recently his persecution complex. Over the last few years he stopped accusing me of anything much but also stopped talking to me about anything important. He has now left me and is living alone in Australia while I am working overseas.

I was astounded when he decided to leave me - no warning, no reason (I was supposed to know why.) After six months he still is the same - talks on one level but nothing about feelings or reasons.

It is in fact a relief to be able make new friends, to talk freely, and spoil myself. While with him I always had to try to avoid saying something that would put him down (usually unsuccessfully).

Until he left I had not known that his strange behaviours were not just a reaction to something I did. It has been a relief to find out about DD. But I wish I'd known years ago.

I still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have told my children and best friend what I have found out.

I will be in Australia in a week and I hope to be able to see him and our doctor to find out what I might do to help him. Though everyone says he's fine - same as always. Maybe he's better off without me!

Tell your children!
Please, please, please tell them!
The only reason my husband got diagnosed and got early help was because his mom talked to me often about his dad thinking she had cheated and one of Levi's siblings wasn't his. When my husband started becoming symptomatic I was able to link all the pieces and get him on meds, which have saved our marriage. If I didn't know about his dad I would never have been able to help him. He still has no insight but his delusions are in control. It CAN be genetic and if your children have children then you can make sure that people know the signs and are educated. Early intervention is crucial, once the delusions take over it is nearly impossible to calm them.

I hope you will heed my advice. I plan to teach my children about their father's illness. Knowledge is power. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this pain. No one should...

Because I am away from family and friends, my incredible journey of discovery over the last 6 months has been on my own. As soon as I sorted things out for myself I emailed my 4 boys explaining DD in general and how it related to their father. Also contacted his sister. I intend to talk to them when I return for my holiday in AUS (tomorrow!!!).

Hope to talk to my husband but he's calling the shots at the moment and may continue to avoid discussions about anything.

Thanks for the response. This forum has been a lifeline for me!

faithful wrote:...I can't spend the next 30 years denying that I am boinking the mailman."
....

I hope you don't mind but this made me laugh!

I think all of us have found ourselves thinking or saying similar things. In my case it was "I can't spend the next 30 years denying I am part of a vast highly organized conspiracy with bottomless financial and technological resources that is secretly taping and photographing your every waking moment for nebulous yet nefarious purposes".

Sometimes you just have to laugh.