Delusional Disorder/Jealousy - Husband

I just want to say that you are very brave people for trying to help the ones you love and for putting up with all this. I'm gald you've found support on our forum

Hi,
I am new to this site. I have Jealous Delusional Disorder. I am 41 years old, a widow (no I didn't kill him) , a non-custodial Mother of two precious teens, and I've lived with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, almost 2 years.
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I remember having this illness as far back as when I was 15 years old. My late husband is the reason for my user name... Lovesavedme. If it weren't for him, his patience, and undying (what a pun!) and especially his unconditional love, I would be in some penitentiary somewhere... as I know I wouldn't have ever made it out unharmed - the way I was before medication (without my sweet loving husband). My husband died in 2006 from eye cancer, a rare melanoma. He died at my side, only I freaked out a bit about being alone with him when he was dying and I called the paramedics to take him to the hospital (even though I was hesitant to let him go when they arrived), because deep down inside somewhere, I didn't want to have to live with the guilt or knowledge that I was somehow responsible for his death (even though he was terminal). I just didn't want to always wonder if he would have died had he not been in my care.
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Anyway, back to my disorder... I'm here today, writing about my illness, to help educate the world about this kind of morbid jealousy, where I think it comes from, and what you can do about it, if you have it. There IS hope.
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I can remember as far back as a Softmore in high school and getting crazy jealous with the mere thought of my boyfriend going to parties without me. My thoughts tormented me and I spent a huge part of my life worrying about this, about the chances of him running off with another girl and leaving me.
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I'm pretty sure it all stemmed from my insecurity. I never did feel like I fit in with all the other teens and I blamed it on my Mom for isolating me. From my prospective at the time, my Mom was over protective and didn't allow me to have a "normal" teen life - free to spend enough time with friends and attend social gatherings - as much as I wanted. I always thought deep inside that if my Mom ever allowed me to socialize and spend more time with potential friends, that I'd learn how to be a friend and in turn I'd be a happier, healthier person.
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I remember wanting to get a job at the ice-cream store right down the street from our house... All the really popular cool girls worked at places like this and they were only 15 and 16. The ice-cream store was right next to the Surfer Shop called O'Neil's where many of the high school surfers hung out. But my Mom said no, that I was too young to have a job. I was extremely disappointed at the time. My Mom also didn't allow me to take showers in the mornings because she said it was too loud and woke everyone up. I had to tip toe around in the morning's and couldn't make any noise or there was hell to pay. I ended up skipping school and taking showers in the mornings when I got to school. I was was too scared to wake my Mom up - for fear that she would start in on me. When my Mom found a reason to be mad at me (which could be for any reason imaginable and usually totally unwarranted), she would go on and on and on, relentlessly... until I ended up begging for mercy, apologizing until I got all the right words and satisfied her. I was also terrified every time our live in Nanny - picked me up from school. Our live in Nanny made the rounds and picked up my little brother and sister before she picked me up - I guess I must have gotten out of school later - but I remember being absolutely terrified that I was going to be "in trouble" for "something" when I arrived home, so I'd ask if Mom was mad at me for anything. My Mom was always livid, yelling, and very scary. When she got going, she became violent and it was equally painful, emotionally and physically.
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Skipping ahead to today...
I'm a night owl and my boyfriend's a morning person. Lately, we've been on totally different time schedules. I get up when he's getting ready to go to sleep and he gets up when I'm ready to crash for the day. I've thought this may be causing a lot of our conflict, so I've been trying to work on turning my schedule around so I'll be on the same time schedule as him but I've been staying up at night, just to get some peace and quiet (some computer time in). I have ADHD and have a hard time concentrating, so I tend to want to stay up late because nobody disturbs me then and I can concentrate a lot better.
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I take a medication called Risperdal, an antipsychotic, but it my symptoms have been triggered by me living with an alcoholic who has led a very promiscuous lifestyle (I'm not being jealous but factual... and I really can tell the difference between my delusions and my thoughts now). After my husband passed, I quickly jumped into a relationship with another older man (my husband was 25 years my senior and my boyfriend is 20 years my senior). Only this new guy is a lot different than my sweet husband ever was. He doesn't seem to know how to love me unconditionally as my husband did. He gets really angry at me for my jealousy, even though I've told him time and time again that I have this disorder and I told him from the very start all about having it. My boyfriend threatens to leave me all of the time, he disregards me as a person constantly, not allowing me to have any or much say so in any of the daily plans he makes in life. I miss my husband's unconditional love so much, it hurts. I picked this new guy because he's an EXCELLENT lover. He's such a good lover that it's almost like magic. I've never in my life had anyone touch me or make me feel the way this man makes me feel physically. Mentally, however, he could use a whole lot of work. Often, I feel like I'm in hell with him, trying to explain to him that if he just walked in love with me about my jealousy once in a while, or more often than not, it would really help me to not think this way anymore and to be a lot more trusting and loving than I normally am. Like I said, my jealousy almost totally dissipated before with my husband and I remember feeling totally secure at the end of his life with him (my husband).
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My boyfriend refuses to marry me too. I think he's afraid of commitment. He doesn't seem to realize how commitment breeds freedom or why. I'm hoping someone out there could coach my boyfriend into how to deal with me in a way that he's patient and merciful, rather than angry and vindictive.
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I am so sorry to hear about your dilemma. I, too, have a delusional husband. I can't believe it. I never even entertained the idea that I would be married to a mentally ill man. You've obviously coped very well.

Dear Klewis - By the date on your posting, I see this is probably the first time you've written. If you need some support and need to "vent" - like most of us do, you have come to the right place . Not everyone has the same set of problems - but they are so comparable to each other, its amazing. This is a disease like no other I have ever heard of. But the more you research and the more questions you put out there, the more calmer you will become. Myself, an anti-depressant has helped a lot. But not as much as this wonderful group of people in this forum. Take some of their advice - some is a lot cheaper than going to a therapist!! I thank you for your empathy and wish you some peace in your life.

Sorry if this seems like a change of subject but am detecting signs of delusional jealousy in my wife. She accused me last week of cheating on her with one of my employees. It is entirely untrue and her evidence was very flimsy. She will not budge in her story. It turns out that she has been closely surveilling my email, phone and financial records almost continuously. Yesterday I found some clinical papers on delusional jealousy which I wasn't aware of before. and her behavior fits them almost perfectly. I tried to show the papers to her last night and she refused to read them and threw them in the trash. We have been married 4 years and I dearly love her. I am trying to be loving and supportive as she is suffering severely, and want the marriage to work. Is this likely to be helpful?

Dear Commuter1,
Delusional Jealousy is difficult. Unless you can find someone she trusts and prove your innocence to them and she will listen to the need for her to get help, this is tough. She needs to see a psychiatrist if it is delusional.

Sincerely,
Sunny