estevenson-the story of my DDJ nightmare

My husband and I had been friends for 10 years prior to dating. We both are ICU nurses, and worked the night shift together. I found him to be kind, brilliant,self confident, and very, very funny. We did not date for all of those years because I had chosen not to date at all. Not at all, not anyone. I did not date or have sex, or even kiss anyone for eight years. This was from age 30 to 38. This was for two reasons. First of all I already had two children, one was 1 year old, and the other was 11, both boys. The second reason was that I didnt believe in my ability to choose a good man, and did not want to put myself, or my kids through another failed relationship. Especially in the workplace.

My life was very fulfilling, I had a lot of wonderful friends, male and female. Many of whom I had known since early childhood. I had some great male friends who really helped me navigate my way through parenting boys, especially the older one. His father had commited suicide when he was 13. He is now 18.

Almost 2 years ago, my not yet husband left the hospital where we both worked and went to work at another local hospital. A couple of months later he called and asked me out. Two months later we are engaged, and 3 months after that we are married.

Our problems literally began on day 1. We woke up in the honeymoon suite of the resort where we held our reception and he was looking at me, then he said,"did you leave the room last night?" I said," No", then he said, "I got up and looked in the bathroom, and on the balcony and I couldnt find you." (where the hell would I go, I'm the BRIDE!!!) I told him no, that I didnt even get out of the bed. He kind of played it off by saying he must have been dreaming. He knew that most of my friends had gotten rooms at the resort so they could drink and not drive. He thought I had gone to be with one of them.

We went to St. Lucia for our honeymoon. Fabulous right??? WRONG---I appearantly spent the whole time looking at other men, being looked at by other men, bending over in front of other men, turning over while laying out in the sun to give other men "a better view". All of this was while he frantically read books like "How to be a Good Christian Husband" and the Bible. This was while we were laying out by the pool on the beach at a Sandals resort. Kind of wierd, all you can drink, free, all you can eat, free, new wife in a bikkini laying next to you-and you cant even enjoy it??? Later that night we went to see a band play, coundnt enjoy that either, because the singer was singing to me.
"I hate that guy, he's singing to you, were leaving he has some nerve. I mean it, lets go-that guy is getting in my head."

Fast foreward to home. I'm just going to rattle off the strange things I dealt with for a year.

New drivers license picture with new name sucked I looked awful!! Like a meth add. Of fourse he said I looked sad because of what I must have been doing prior to going to the DMV. Like going to visit my lover, probobly breaking up with him.

The day I took a pregnancy test, one of my male friends called and I heard," That's odd, why would (lover) call the day you take a pregnancy test, what was he waiting to hear?

Constant checking of my cell phone.

Monitoring of my dirty underwear. (Any explanation of mine about the vaginal secretions changing throughout the month were useless.

Why did (lover) have on a yellow shirt at our wedding, and you had some yellow flowers in your bouquet???" (Oh $#%^ you caught us- and the sun is yellow, and you know what? We all pee yellow too!!! )
Taking my underwear to be "tested". They were pos. for semen. Husband said the lab said this would indicate sex within a few days. He swears that we hadnt had sex in over a week. Very wierd, because we had.

I really could go on, and on, and on. I'll just add some of the stupid quotes I heard.

"He who has nothing tp hide hides nothing".
"Even paranoid people have enemies".
" I see the inconsistancies".
" You would probobly oass a polygraph, you are such a good liar."

He would call me 15 or 20 times a day.

I never saw, or touched his penis, never. If I would get close to doing it he would freak out. He dressed in the closet. Or under the covers.

So on and on this goes, and I really thought I could love him enough to finally make him realize that I LOVED HIM!!! Also, Since I was not cheating, I really thought that he would get sick of looking for what was not there. That he would prove my fidelity to himself.

In January of 2008 he sat me down and crying he said," You know how I have been struggling with your infidelity and I thought you would see the light and stop your affair. But you havent. And now I have concrete evidence. I put voice activated tape recorders all over the house, and I have tapes of you and your lover here. I have filed for divorce, and am moving out in the morning."
Now I have to say, I was f-ing stunned. But I really just thought," oh, okay, well I know you dont, you must know you dont, because I know that it is impossible because IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!" So that is exactly what I said.
But nope, he was firm. He had the "evidence".
So I try and try to get him to let me hear the tapes, begged him actually. But no again. He was "not going to let me explain away all his evidence like I had explained it away in the past."

I even tried to rationalize with him. This is exactly what I said. "Baby, I did not date for 8 years. You know that to be true. That whole time I saw this person(lover) on a weekly basis. I have been friends with him since he and I were 11. How likely is it that I start dating you, fall in love with you, marry you and then realize that, Oh My God, I want to be with (lover)!?!?
I swore to God on my kids lives and souls, my dying mothers soul, EVERYTHING!!! No convincing him. Not at all.

So 3 months later, here I am. Every now and then he contacts me and says that if I could "just tell the truth, we could work on our marriage." Its absolutely awful. I love him so much I want to be with him more than he knows. I know I should not engage him, I should just move on, but I have these stupid magical thoughts that he will come to his senses.

I have learned here not to challenge the delusions, my psychologist tells me the same, it only makes them stronger. But how, if I do not challenge the delusions will he realize they are delusions?? How will he know to seek treatment if I just accept what he says as "reality".

Please help me I really love him. Please tell me what you think I should do.

estevenson

glad you are seeing a psychologist. Hopefully, he/she can help you sort through the mess.

what should you do? who knows. I don't "challenge" my wife's delusional ideas anymore (as in trying to logically argue with her about them) but I never acknowledge them as being true either. I just disagree in a couple words ("that's not true" or "that's irrational") & leave it at that.

When he contacts you, I don't know what else you can do but advise him to see a psychiatrist. He's not going to "come to his senses". He's sick & needs to see a doctor to get well. The curse of this disease is the patient doesn't even know they need help.

Your story is heartbreaking.

As far as what you should do I think you need to take care of yourself first, and your children second.

As much as you care about this person I'm not sure you can do much to help him.

There is a book out there called "I'm not sick, I don't need help" by Xavier Amador. He is a psychiatrist who also happens to have a schizophrenic brother. Like people with Delusional Disorder schizophrenics are often extremely resistant to getting treatment and taking medication.

Dr. Amador claims to have had some success getting mentally ill people (including his brother) to seek and stick with treatment through a method he outlines in his book which is too long to go into here. I have not had a chance to try the method yet with my wife because by the time I read the book her delusional symptoms had gone away but I intend to try it when her symptoms return. But suffice it to say the methods I was using (logic, rational thought, arguing) were already not working so a different approach has just as much chance as what I was doing before.

For the record I have no connection to Dr. Amador and have no proof that his method is as succesful as he claims it is. But you might want to check your local library, or buy it if you can afford too. At the very least it has a great section on what is called "insight", or the recognition by mentally ill people that they are in fact ill.

My heart goes out to you. Nobody can tell you what to do, but here are the facts.

OK, this is going to sound really cold and harsh:

1. Your husband will not change. He can not help it. He is sick.
2. If you love him, you need to love, accept and agree to live with his delusions for the rest of your lives.
3. You say you lost 2 years. How about losing the rest of your life to his delusions?

Please continue to go to the psychologist. I hope things will turn out OK for you.

Thank you all for your kind words.

I have come to the realization that I can not spend my life with someone who does not trust me. The reason for the distrust doesnt really matter. At this point he refuses to go to counseling, refuses to even consider the possibility that there could be something wrong with him. He tells me that I am sadistic for trying to convince him that he is "psycho" after everything else I have done.

We still talk every few days, and he says he still thinks I am going to "come clean" before our divorce is final. He asks me if losing him is worth it. He breaks my heart. He is 41 and I am his first wife. He is a kind, gentle, giving, loving, sweetheart of a man. He is absolutely devistated. After all, I am the love of his life and as he puts it " I never gave him a chance." When we communicate I keep hoping for the magic phrase to snap him back to reality. Not going to happen. I wish I could be angry with him, it would make it easier for me. I just cant. I just love him. I loved him as a friend, and I love him as my husband. He doesnt deserve this.

Maybe there will be a miracle. I sense that he is struggling with whether or not he can forgive me for what I did and move past it, even if I dont "confess". But I know that unless he can look me in the eyes and tell me that he trusts me and that he was wrong, I can not be with him.

I was only with him for about a year and I can see that I was starting to get crazy. He has been gone for 3 mos. and I still discover new freedoms. WOW-I can shave my legs whenever I want and not have to worry about him getting suspicious. I wear whatever underwear I want. And what do you know-- cleaning the house just might be because I want to clean the house, and NOT because I will be entertaining my lover there while he is at work. I Wont go back to that life.

Anyway, thank you all again for your kindness. I am also taking care of my Mom who is dying of brain cancer, and my 9 year old was just diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome. So all in all , not a good year. Thanks for the support.

estevenson

You sure do have a great deal to deal with. I'm sure it must feel overwhelming at times. Just know that some of us are thinking of you.

When I read your last submission, it hit close to home for me. I am also coming to terms with having a partner who has changed so much because of delusional disorder. I will share more of my story at some point, but I sure can relate to losing a partner who has so many wonderful qualities. He is a kind, compassionate and generous person. We laughed all the time and shared so many dreams for our future. It is hard to be mad at him. He does not have any insight into his delusional thinking and feels that our relationship has encountered so many problems because of all of those people out there interfering...family, friends, co-workers, his boss ect. It's so hard to watch this disorder take the person you love, knowing that you must take care of yourself. It's too painful to face all of the accusations...day after day.

I just felt the need to join this forum after reading your last message. I do understand. I know it's incredibily hard. Your strength in making such tough decisions is inspiring.

I am continually amazed at the details of the delusions that match, word for word. I first heard the "dirty underware" accusation in 1981. He knew that an old friend from junior high lusted after me, and so was proof we'd been screwing each other for 20 years, because of "the look" he gave me - in 1974 when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child. Repeated demands that I "tell the truth." And years of my magical thinking that this would all go away.
And, during the end of the marriage, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I left my husband only to become the caretaker of my father. Thankfully, Dad is financially able to afford a care home, but I am the one buying his diapers, visiting, going to doctor appointments, etc. You know the drill. And my son, through unemployment, is about to lose custody of his son, so here I am financially and emotionally supporting him. Yeah, a bad year, or maybe a bad century.
But, not all bad. I left. Should have done it 28 years ago, but I finally did and have no regrets. I know you don't feel it now, but thank Zeus it happened so quickly. My ex married immediatly after our divorce, and put another woman through hell & is now divorcing her - after she sold her home, took on his debts, etc. Your ex will no doubt do the same to another woman, over and over.
What I most hate about all this is that it has taken away my abiltiy to trust. I've been single for 4 years, and can't bring myself to try to date (not that there are many 50-something decent single men out there), because I know my ex is out there, looking good & saying the right things, and is out of his mind. I was married at 20, that had been my whole life, but now I think I will be single for the rest of my life. It is a good life, but just very different than I had planned. I hear God laughing.

qwerty,peytonmanning18,Goodwife,cdc, and most especially faithful,

I want to thank all of you for helping me through this. About three months ago, after my husband left, I sat here googling psychotic, delusions, paranoia, you name it I dove right in and read it. One of the links lead me to delusional jealousy, and this web site. I remember the first posts I read were from you faithful. I spent all night reading peoples stories, and I was like Oh my God, it has a name, he has a real disease. I even called family and friends at 2am, 3am, 4;30AM, whatever time. I read the stuff that I was reading here to them. They had been hearing this same stuff from me for a year. And I was like,"Oh my God, he has delusional jealousy", or "Wow, it all fits, he is delusionally jealous." And all of them were like "YA THINK?????"

I have continued to go to the psychologist that my husband and I went to together. I called him the day my husband moved out of our house. I was absolutely hysterical-HYSTERICAL!!!! I know that we talked for about 10 or 15 minutes , and we set up an appointment for the following business day, and there is only one other sentence that I clearly remember him saying to me. It was,"I believe you." My friends, my family, our psychologist-they believed me, ME.

You have all taught me things, Iris,MSBLUE,faithful,Thorny,Goodwife,Tori,bsc,notacheater, blindsided,alwaysfaithful,Heartbroken,been there,missingu-all of you said things that in some way touched me. I am not inspirational, he left me, remember? I am trying to be strong, taking one day at a time. My head knows that it is best this way. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.

I finally signed the official Separation Agreement paperwork today. Trying to re-finance the house in my name. One day at a time.

When I feel weak, I read all of your stories and I think, Shit-28 years. Or, Oh my God-kids together?!?! Or trying to have a girls night at my house, my HOME and being afraid to talk about whatever we want for fear of tape recorders, video cameras, WHATEVER. I realize from all of your awful stories that it doesnt go away, it just gets worse.

Anyway, Be safe and God Bless-
estevenson

Hi Moving On,

I'm also still amazed that most every DDJ story is so similar, right down to the very same words and irrational thoughts. I spent two years of my life literally doing nothing but looking for answers on the internet, in books, and therapists. I suspected it was DDJ but I couldn't be sure without a real diagnosis from a therapist. It took over two years to get a diagnosis and it was a sad day but also a relief. It set me free, it wasn't anything I was doing or not doing and I started to reach acceptance that I would never get through to him.

I still live with my DDJ and things have settled down a lot but only because I continue to follow my therapists advice of no engaging in his delusions or accusations. He's not in any kind of remission though because I see the DDJ behavior everyday. I found another voice recorder in the bedroom a couple of months ago. I just left it there and never mentioned it to him. I guess I've been conditioned to overlook this kind of behavior. It's like having an elephant in the room but nobody's talking about it. It's no way to live and I wonder when I will have the strength to leave too.

I don't think it really matters who leaves first. The person we fell in love with left when DD took over their minds. You are inspirational and your story will no doubt help others as ours has helped you.

Take care of yourself and stay strong!

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate the feedback. Heartbroken, I love the "elephant in the room" analagy. I used to say it to my friends all the time. Here I was a newlywed and my husband was soooo loving and caring, both for me and my children. But the next thing I knew he was saying ," I noticed there were 2 more 'unknown caller' calls on the phone today. Funny how the calls from (lover) have really dropped off and those have doubled."
Yes an elephant in every room!!

Thank you all again-
moving on