How to deal with what I believe is delusional jealousy?

Hi, I’m new and I hope this is the right place for this topic.

At first, when my partner started acting strangely, I thought maybe it was me giving off the wrong impression somehow, or perhaps he was just abusive or narcissistic, but his behavior has morphed into something else and him into someone I don’t recognize. We’ve been together for 2 years and are living together. His main behaviors are:

- wanting access to my phone and phone password. Going into a frenzy if I receive an app notification thinking it’s from another man.
- contacting me constantly wanting to know what I’m doing and mad if I don’t reply
-slowly trying to chip away at my friendships saying all men are in love with me and I can’t have friendships with men.
-constantly accusing me of having online and offline relationships
- when I go to visit my family he thinks I’m out doing it with random men when I’m with my family.
- if my friends are male, male coworkers, or even a male female couple they want me and I’m doing it with them. I cannot even mention talking to a male coworker in my break room without setting him into an episode of yelling screaming and accusations for hours on end.
-looking at and misinterpreting my social media and thinking I’m doing nefarious things that are actually incredibly innocent.

I could go on, but these are the main ones. I have never cheated on this man (or ever tbh, it’s just not who I am) and I did eliminate my male friendships to make him happy and so I didn’t have to put up with his behavior. Even when he is presented with proof (like my Google location, calls to show I’m with my parents, showing him the apps that have gone off, giving him my phone passwords) he still insists on the delusions. The most recent was that I was in a hot tub at my friends house doing it with other men. My friend does not even own a hot tub (he has been to her home), and furthermore, I was at my parents home and in bed and calling him to show him this, but he wouldn’t believe me. I sent my Google maps location and he didn’t believe that. I finally got a hold of him on the phone and showed him my child sleeping next to me and he somehow didn’t believe that and turned it around to say he was calling because I’d blocked him on text (I didn’t). He does not even think he is jealous nor controlling, and sees no problem with this behavior and thinks I am 100% cheating on him. If I deny and provide evidence I’m cheating. If I say that I’m not going to argue because he won’t believe me either way, that’s also proof of the cheating. He is not sorry he hurts me or makes me cry. He offers no apologies for his behavior, and when the constant accusations upset me and I try to leave the room or start crying, it just angers him even more and he says I’m just upset because he’s right.

I am not in a position to leave for another few months due to life circumstances. He has already grabbed and thrown my phone and I am worried for the behavior to escalate. How do I keep him calm until I can get out of this situation. Any suggestions would be so much appreciated.

I am so sorry that your post has not had any responses yet. I think it can be hard, for family members of those suffering from DDJ, to get on this forum without making them angry.

I understand you saying that you cannot leave for a few months, but PLEASE leave as soon as you can. It never gets better. It only gets worse. I have been with my DDJ husband for 23 years, we just recently separated for the last time. (There have been many separations) He did not always act that way but I think it was always there and I just didn't realize it. The episodes used to be few and far between but increased with time. The past couple of years have been never ending accusations.

Just like with you, any males or male/female couples are fair game for him to accuse me of sleeping with them. I have been accused of knowing and having affairs with complete strangers at the drive thru window, as well as at stores, recreation areas, etc... And I have no male friends and I had to quit jobs over men working there. Most of the time, I was not even allowed to work at all. I was even accused of sneaking off to see someone during covid lockdowns. (I didn't)

DO NOT RELY ON GOOGLE MAPS!! I went to a grocery store that did not have good cell service in the back of the store. I guess google maps tried to triangulate my position and was off by several blocks. Even though I had a receipt from the store showing that I checked out with a huge amount of groceries at almost the same time it showed me at the other location, he refused to believe me and to this day swears that I was having a threesome during that lost 5 minutes. I started recording myself on Facebook live after that and just set it to private. He of course had access to my facebook account. You would think that would solve everything, instead it made it worse. It seemed to make him angry that I had proof that I had not done anything wrong. A couple of times, especially going into stores, the livestream would get interrupted and I would be accused of doing it on purpose to "hide what I was really doing."

I fully believe that abuse and narcissism go hand in hand with this condition. My husband has been abusive as well, and he definitely displays narcissistic traits. Sometimes I wonder if he really does believe these things or if he is just projecting his behaviours onto me. He accused me of secret social media accounts, when he actually had them. He accused me of sneaking around to see someone, when he was doing that. Most recently, he started talking to an old female friend and became obsessed with her and confessed his love to her. It was not mutual and now he blames me for that. I must have done something to drive her away. They say that most with delusional disorder will exhibit signs of more than one delusion. He has had the jealousy delusions, the thinking someone is in love with him when they are not at all delusions, and the paranoid delusions that everyone is out to get him, that random people are laughing at him and talking about him, that he is being spied on or posioned, etc...

It literally doesn't matter what you do. Argue, don't argue, have proof, don't have proof. He will take whatever your response is and make it proof of your infidelity. I have taken 2 lie detector tests. I passed both but they did me no good at all. He has even been to a therapist on more than one occasion. He lies. When I have gone with him and they realize that he is lying and try to actually help, he will not ever see that therapist again. Even the other members who have been able to get their family member to get the correct therapy and take the correct meds, will tell you that the previous delusions are there to stay. He will never be able to be aware that he was wrong. You will always be a cheater in his eyes and he will never trust you.

If you have no choice but to stick it out for a few months, then just understand that he may lose control and become abusive. He may also tell everyone how horrible you are and they may believe him. GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN. I wish I had. I stayed with my husband because I really love him and wanted to help him and fixx this. There is no fixning it and he does not really love me.

exhausted37 wrote:I have been with my DDJ husband for 23 years, we just recently separated for the last time. (There have been many separations)

Congratulations on getting out!!

I'm really sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your relationship. It sounds like you're dealing with a complex situation involving extreme jealousy and controlling behavior, which can indeed be quite distressing. It's important to prioritize your safety and well-being. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals who specialize in relationship issues could be beneficial. This situation does highlight aspects of male delusion where irrational beliefs and unfounded accusations can create a harmful environment. Remember, your safety and mental health should always come first.

This is exactly the same as what i went through 5 years ago, they only reason I have come back to this is that I was clearing out an old mobile phone and i forgot it still had 147 deleted voicemails from my then girlfriend, i had a listen to a few and i cant believe the abuse i put up with.

My ex now (TF) suffered from delusional jealousy, and exactly like your partner mine would be on high alert for the slightest phone notification, even if a cyclist wrang his bell going by, she'd think it was my phone. She'd imagine hearing it, and when there was nothing to show her she'd accuse me of deleting messages.

She'd say that male contacts in my phone were made up names for secret girls i was in touch with!

Accuse me of having affairs with family members, friends wives, people from work.

If i went to the toilet with the phone in my pocket, then i was away making secret calls.

When she phoned me, if I answered the phone too quickly then (in her head) it was because I was on my phone messaging another girl, if i took too long to answer then i must have been physically up to no good with another girl. If she called i had to let the phone ring 3-4 times then answer it,

I had to call her while driving to work, at lunch time, and on the way home. If in didn't either then i was up to no good.

If I went shopping on my way home I had to show her receipts to keep the peace.

If I was in an area and there was no phone service, she'd be calling and calling and by the time you'd get a signal my phone would be beeping with missed calls, she'd then call I'd answer the phone it would still be beeping with her dozens of notifications, she'd say those noises were notifications from other females, she'd be screaming down the phone.

Any night out would always end with an argument, you couldn't talk to anyone, you feared anyone coming over and talking to you, if a girl spoke to you even if she had her own partner with her then you were having an affair with her. I dreaded a family occasion where id have to take her. I had a family funeral where she was adamant I was having an affair with my own cousin, and she even said my cousins husband was in on it!

I cant believe i put up with it, probably because there were good days, but they always followed by a bad days, but the bad days were far more than the good. I always hoped it would get better. And i did love her, but that slowly start to ebb away.

Anyway it slowly got worse and worse. I told her she'd needed serious help with her jealousy, if she didn't get it then i was going. She said she spoke with her Dr and she was recommended somewhere. She wouldn't tell me where or who, I wasn't allowed to go as "I would tell them things" which I thought was the whole point. Anyway after a few visits I sort of sussed that this was some sort of well being place, she came back one time with the notion I was gas lighting her. That's when I said "i'll show you how much im gas lighting and controlling you" I just left the relationship there and then, never looked back.

She harassed me for about a year after that, but I never ever took her on that was 5 years ago, she send me a message a few months ago, half apologising. I never responded.

Jealousy will turn any relationship toxic, it will always get worse, you need to bail out for the sake of your own sanity.

Its too late in the night for me to read this through for mistakes! I'm just rattling my way through typing this trying to recall all her accusations, so apologies if it doesn't make much sense!

Another thing she did was accuse me of having an affair with a girl at her own place of work, that I had never even met !! She would watch this girl at her work on the phone to her own boyfriend, my girlfriend would then phone me and if my phone was engaged then it meant I was on the phone to this other girl !!

Get out while you can.