Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

My husband continues to insist that he knows I’m having an affair with that guy. But I’m confused about how this plays out during the day. Yesterday, we actually had some hard conversations. I told him that I had zero interest in the deviant sex he wants to engage in with me. I told him that it turned me off so much that I had zero interest in sex anymore. He looked surprised to hear this and insisted I must be having sex with someone (nope). I thought I had made myself clear before. Despite this, we actually slept in the same bed and woke up seemingly ok. Today after breakfast he was quiet, and took a nap on the sofa and I sat there in my chair, surfing the internet. We had very little interaction. While he was napping I got up to vacuum in the master bedroom closet (I had moved all my stuff from there into the extra bedroom). He came back there asking what I was doing (cleaning), and then said I was so cold he had zero interest in sex with me either, and was going to find a real wife. He was going to find someone to have sex with because he didn’t want to live this way.
I said that was fine. He should go find someone to have sex with, and that was ok.
Later, he would come back and talked to me like the last conversation never took place. I assume he recalled having it.
Then, he would come back and tell me that he reported this guy’s bad behavior to his HR department at the company he works at. I’m not sure what he expected me to do. I made no response. He said he was going to sue the company. Again, no response and I kept cleaning the walk in closet.
Later, he started getting loud, saying he wanted a divorce. I said fine, go get one. He complained that he had no money and he was stuck but I had plenty of money and could do what I wanted. I told him I was not going to fix his problems for him. He tried to go through some of the details that made him believe I was having an affair with that guy, and I started refuting his “facts”. He said I was lying and he knew the truth. I told him I understand that his brain was making him believe all these things but they were not true. I said I would continue to tell him the truth because he needs help and his brain is playing tricks on him. Maybe someday he will believe that. I spent the rest of the day working in my office.
Near dinner he came in asking if I wanted a salad. Now honestly, who would ask this, believing that I am having an affair and hate him? Well, I accepted his offer of a salad and ate it in my office. Later he showed me the small hamburgers he cooked and put in the fridge so I could have one later. He has now gone to bed and I will sleep in the extra bedroom. I changed the doorknob on my home office to one that has a lock. I’m going to do the same with my bedroom. He was surprised and angry that I put this on my office door, but what am I to do? We inhabit the same house but I need some peace and security. He is free to do the same with the master bedroom, but he has never had initiative to do these things. He is now acting out on his delusions, apparently calling that guy’s company and complaining. I wonder what will come of all that. If he ends up going to confront that guy and getting arrested, I will ask the judge for a psychiatric evaluation to assess his competency. That’s probably the only way that’s going to be done.
I’m confused by his on again, off again accusations and behavior. Sometimes it’s as if he doesn’t remember what he said to me a half hour ago. I would like to hear from others who have experienced something similar. I’m here just surviving on my side of the house, trying to be honest and helpful to a husband of 23 years whose brain seems to be wasting away.

My husband’s doctor had his assistant call him today, to let him know he would set an appointment in the first 2 weeks of July. I didn’t know this until mid-day. We had an uncomfortable night, and I spent the morning in my office, working. I was still wondering just how we were going to change the current awful situation.
About noon I went outside and did some work with the livestock. After a while, my husband came out of the house and over to me and said “thank you for calling Dr. XXXXXX to make an appointment for me.” WHAT A RELIEF!!!!! I said oh thank God, he called you? He said the assistant did. He asked if I called him and I told him I wrote him a letter. I just kept saying thank God. He said he has such a hard time letting go of things. I told him I know this has been very hard on him emotionally. He agreed and said it’s been hard on me too. I told him I’m pretty tough but this was really tough. I told him nothing was going to make me leave and abandon him when I know something’s wrong. He said I’m tougher than tough.
I made a lovely lunch for us and we are sitting enjoying tv and it looks like it will rain outside.
Now, we both have to keep this on an even keel while we wait for the appointment. He’s now going to get a full work up for these symptoms. Again thank God. Just when things seem hopeless and miserable, they can improve.

Hi Aggie78,
I wanted to share a strategy that helped my family when I've been unwell. I know it has also been endorsed by other families in NAMI. It was developed by Dr. Armador author of "I'm not sick and I don't need help" but very useful for all types of situations. You can watch YouTube videos about this too. At least there were some lectures a few years ago when I last googled it. The strategy is to Listen. Empathize. Agree (find common ground to agree on, but never agree with a delusion). and Partner to get the person into care. The strategy is LEAP. It is great as a life skill, too.
I'm glad the doctor's office called. I hope they can help treat the delusions and reduce the distress you and your husband are experiencing.
Sunny

Thank you so much Sunny. I am grateful for your input, and I have followed your journey. You have my deepest sympathy for the struggles you have endured.I feel like we have made a breakthrough. I have told him how hard I know this must be for him and he has expressed the same for me. We now have an appointment for July 12th, and he has asked me to go with him. I will. He’s scared there is something dreadfully wrong. My hope is there is some treatment that will help him.
We had a lovely day today. Had lunch at a restaurant and went shopping. We are going to a friend’s wedding tomorrow and I think we will have fun. I will continue to express my love and care for him and just try to get us to and through this evaluation. I’m grateful beyond words that we finally are moving toward an evaluation.

I forget how old you said he was- I know my dad started getting a lot of strange ideas and notions, and for a good while, B12 injections helped a lot. Eventually however he did relapse, and he's back to where he was- but he's also exhibiting some Alzheimer-like behaviors. He's also around 80.

But for a while they really did help- hopefully it's something like that that can easily be rectified. Was he prematurely grey? I've been to doctor lately for heart rhythm issues and one of the blood work they're doing on me is B12 deficiency (which can cause palpitations), and the doctor told me men who are prematurely grey (I had grey hair in high school and so did my dad) tend to develop B12 deficiencies. And it's been suggested that B12 deficiencies can be related to neuropsychiatric disorders.

That’s interesting about the B12. His oncologist monitors all his metabolic functions, including D and B12, so a nutrient deficiency is unlikely. My husband is 67, maybe a tad young for normal cognitive decline, but it wouldn’t be a shock if that’s the answer. The neurological work up will let us know what we are dealing with.
So far, so good. We both are taking extra care in our relationship, being considerate of each other. This is a very good sign, and shows we both really want the relationship to work. I will keep you all posted. I hope that someone reading this (who is in a dire situation) sees that even very dark times can get better.

Today we saw his oncologist. It was disappointing and hopeful all at the same time. This doctor has always been very kind, but he came into the room, not wanting to discuss any of the real issues, until he had gone over the last appointment, reviewed his history etc. then he asked, “are you having any other symptoms?” My husband had asked if I would relate to the doctor what I’ve seen and I told him he’s very quick to anger, he’s very easily aggravated, and his thought processes just don’t seem right.
He started by saying my husband had been through a lot with the cancer and chemo, and it;s very common that the stress and anxiety of this situation will bring on these issues. I had written him a very explicit letter about the problems.
He referred him again for the brain MRI which will be this Saturday. He said if the MRI is clear, then he will refer him to a psychologist to address the stress, anger, thought processes. He’s also referring him for a neurology assessment which isn’t till October 1. That will be by video. Now how do you do a neurological exam and evaluation by video??
I got the sense that the doctor really didn’t want to deal with this mess. Well neither do I.
Then, we had the truck at the dealer because over the trip to Ft. Worth the front end wobbled like hell when we would get to 75 mph. Had to go about 70 on the freeway the whole time, with huge trucks whizzing past us. We just bought this brand new dually and it drove fine except when pulling this horse trailer last week.
This afternoon the dealership called, saying there was nothing wrong with the truck. My husband blew in two. Lots of yelling at the poor guy on the other end of the phone.
I had told my husband that they were going to blame the trailer, and that we should get the trailer tires balanced to make sure there is no issue with the trailer. He flat refuses to do this, insisting “I know what’s wrong with the truck and it’s the front end!”
So tomorrow he wants to go in town to the dealer, pick up the truck, drive ALL the way back to the farm, hook up the trailer, and then drive back in to town to take them for a ride and show them the problem. Fine, but he wants me to go with him. I don’t want to because there will be lots of anger and I just can’t take anymore. And they are going to suggest it’s the trailer tires and he will blow up again. If I refuse to go there will be another blow up against me, even if I tell him that I just can’t deal with his anger and explosions. Now I would do this all by myself tomorrow afternoon, because I have things to do tomorrow morning that I really want to do. Then I will happily do all of that, as long as he doesn’t come with me. How the hell am I going to survive all this.

Update: we had some ups and downs this week, which were extreme. My husband pulled the trailer up to the dealer with he ranch truck, just to show them there was something wrong with the truck when it pulled he trailer. Guess what? The work truck wobbled like hell all the way up there, and my husband had to admit that MAYBE IT WAS THE TRAILER. But he showed the guys at the dealership and they went through the new truck thoroughly. Checked the alignment and rebalanced all the wheels.
Then we took the trailer to get all new tires. Guess what? No more wobble. So he had to sheepishly admit that maybe I was right about the trailer being the problem.
Then we had a few good days getting stuff done at the farm. Yesterday started good and went to hell, but the particulars don’t matter. It ended with my husband going nuts, surging to intense anger and screaming and stomping about how he couldn’t stand me, etc., etc.
After a bizarre night where I had to leave the house because I didn’t feel safe, I drove him to get his Brain MRI. dead silence in the truck for the hour it took to get to town. A little conversation as we tried to get that big truck parked in crowded hospital parking. Easing of our relationship as we got to the MRI exam. Some tender touches and words, and we both felt better.
He actually got through it. We were both happy and went to a restaurant. He was feeling woozy due to the anti-anxiety drugs they had him take so he could get through the MRI. We had a great time at the restaurant and a lovely ride home.
When I checked the email, there was the brain MRI report, already posted. Normal. So I think we are dealing with a purely psychological issue. The doctor said if the MRI was normal that he would refer him to a psychologist. So after a year of hell, I think we are finally getting somewhere. I believe my husband is ready to accept that psychological problems are causing this.
On another note (don’t know why this never occurred to us before) he had been on testosterone injections for about a year. This is when all this escalated. I showed him some articles pointing out the rage and extreme mood swings affect some men who take Testosterone shots. He agreed to stop those and we threw them out. I think it will take some time for the effects to leave.
Now we await a psychological evaluation. I’m definitely in for marriage counseling if the psychologist suggests it. As we drove home today he said “we both have to try hard to keep this together. Agree.

What was the T for? Purely sexual reasons, or some other reason they were prescribed?

The testosterone shots are because of low testosterone. HOWEVER, he did not seek treatment with our family doctor but went to Numale. Now I’m sure those people know what they are doing, but they sell the low T treatment like it’s going to restore their youth. And I think they don’t tell the men the unintended consequences of the testosterone treatment: hostility; anger, jealousy, rage. It just amplifies whatever the guy is dealing with anyway.
And that’s what happened to my husband. He literally became unhinged. Everything we had been dealing with got worse. And it did not improve his sexual function. Crazy!
Finally I looked into the effects of these weekly testosterone shots and heard other womens’ stories! It was exactly what we had been doing through. I had resorted to installing a lock on my home office door so I would have a safe place to retreat to.
Thankfully, he understood and agreed that the testosterone shots should be stopped. Things got better quickly. Then we started working on getting his neurology assessment to explore treatment for his peripheral neuropathy. Just going through the treatment process is helping. He’s been getting lots of tests.
AND FINALLY THE NEUROPSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION is set. Yay! What I have hoped for, for years. Now we can get an accurate diagnosis with a competent professional and suggestions for treatment. I know a great deal of this is stress, anxiety and depression from dealing with his cancer, the chemo, the damage from the chemo, his inability to do what he used to because of his peripheral neuropathy, etc. so much for any man to deal with.
I am now posting about this in my blog on this site, and if I knew how to put a link here I would. Feel free to look at my blog.