Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

Revision:

If he did it, then I want him to marry me.

Reflection:
I don’t believe that Marriage would make what he did right by God. That higher force explained when I was sick in 2017 that I could love anyone I choose. I am hopeful that having the opportunity to love the physician may help me heal. On my good days I feel a higher love…. But I am impacted in intimate relationships in a big way. I don’t know what else there is to do I’ve tried to forget for 16 years.

This morning I woke up early... I'm thankful it is going to be a nice day, the birds are singing loudly through my windows as the early dawn light's growing. I enjoyed my evening after work yesterday, I walked the dog on the prayer walk, got ready to go meet a friend, and spent the evening in good company.

My sister thinks I need to dream more...

But yesterday, before she even brought up this solution to my issue, Facebook signed me up for a dreams page, but when I went to see the videos on the thread were super traumatizing showing people being crushed by accident. Generally, traumatic video footage that shouldn't be in my feed.

I'm sitting with the bedroom window's open, the rest of the neighborhood is abuzz with the hum of air conditioners. The birds are squawking, or maybe it's a squirrel. My dog is barking too... The church bells just started ringing. Monday night at 9 pm... I wonder why they ring the bells this late?

I took a long cold bath tonight, it felt divine. I even shaved my legs. The hot weather is starting to be too much. I've been staying hydrated, but I'm looking forward to being on the schedule for the HVAC team.

I've been thinking about my Celtic Viking friend lately. We have a friendship, but his disinterest in a traditional relationship touches some really wounded parts that are not easy to heal. I keep wanting to shut down the relationship, but it is just enough kindness to keep me involved.

I think we trust each other. He is kind and always gives me pleasure as a lover. But I think of the physician sometimes. Except when I just feel. I care about my Celtic Viking... although when he forgets to reply to me or goes radio silent, I feel sad.

On my way to buy gas for the mower, I was daydreaming, and I actually considered what it would be like to move the Nordic Viking into my home mentally. I reminded myself, he doesn't want what I do. I should break it off... But there is something helpful about our relationship. So I keep going back with him.

I cry so hard when I am faced with the reality of the delusion that the physician... (I don't want to say it, because the hope that he could love me one day has fed my soul for YEARS, and Years, and years...) However, I am practical, and he hasn't talked to me, doesn't know me. The trap is that it impacted my sexuality so profoundly.

When I feel frivolous, like wearing all silk, eating gourmet ice cream, and having a freshly painted pedicure, then I let myself imagine a world that would let me love the physician as I want. I want that world. I'd pray on my knees for years if I thought prayer would make the world change in silence. I'd give up all my earthly possessions for that reality, without a doubt. I wouldn't ask questions, I'd just agree. I want to love him. Like really love him... flaws and all. It is ridiculous the way I feel inspired to love that man. It feels so good and right to love the physician. It's just I'd be all in my head without physical touch and intimacy with my Celtic Viking friend. I have serious needs that need attention. I lose my well-being without contact.

Sometimes I wonder if my communication is being interfered with. My man friends will not get messages delivered to them until days later from me... I often think they let me stay with the Celtic Viking because he is so distant so much of the time.

The skin on my hands feels different as I type. My energy feels strong tonight.

I had a dream that my dogs eye needed more ointment. This morning I woke up early 4:45 am to check on him.

Thankfully he is sleeping well with the air conditioning working. Both dogs are back to sleeping on their beds rather than the hard cool tiles in the yoga studio.

I was thinking about how painful I feel regarding the student doctor from New Hampshire. I still cry when I think about it. Trauma and sexual abuse are a terrible combo. If I could have anything right now it would be to understand why he did it. I have a memory that he asked me if I wanted a fern…

I didn’t know what to make of that. I’d never heard of an affair referenced as a potted plant back in 2005. Years later my CUNY English professor friend explained that he believed it was a reference in popular culture to an extramarital affair.

Looking back, what would that have been like to have experienced my desire in an intimate relationship like an extramarital affair? I probably wouldn’t have lost my mental wellbeing the same way if I’d been able to ground my desire. In some ways things may have been better. Was that the intention that went wrong?

I feel like an idiot if I missed my window of opportunity because I didn’t pay attention to the right pop culture references. I’ve spent decades trying to satiate desire for this physician/man who abused me at the most vulnerable moment of my life…. Even still, I want him. Despite the tears, despite the messed up-ness… I want him. And, I want to love him.

My Celtic Viking friend who I care about doesn’t seem to want to form “a relationship” that could help heal my issue. He has his own stuff to work through. I haven’t decided what to do. My therapist wants me to have a relationship and work on healing. I think the relationship idea is the best case scenario. I wonder if I would change my mind about the physician if I had a healthy relationship with a kind man.

After all this time I don’t know what I’d do if I had access to the physician. There is almost as much pain in 16 years of silence as I felt pleasure during that altered state of consciousness during the orgasmic labor. I’d have to be a masochist to enjoy being with him now…. I do enjoy a little pain, but emotionally this is messy.

I doubt I’d hear from him until I’m 50, when my daughter is past age 21. Someone suggested she could sue him if she chose to at the age of 18-21. It’s just six years away. I mean it has been 16 years and I’m still fascinated with the idea of the man. What’s another 6 years? I have this fantasy of growing old loving the physician in a relationship and in real life. I’ve dreamed of every scenario. But to be able to feel the emotions I have in connection and holding space for whatever that looks like is beyond beautiful to me.

I'm thankful to have a kind and thoughtful therapist. We had a conversation yesterday about how to approach the memory of the physician. She believes I have too many well-developed managers (internal family systems theory - managers are defenses of sorts) in place for EMDR to be effective at this point and agrees with what others have suggested in the past... I mean, it would be a lot of work and may or may not be effective trying EMDR. I forgot to ask about trying the Vegas Nerve reset... Anyway, my therapist suggested I think of the physician as I would someone who has passed. That I need to think of him as dead. My struggle with this is that I use the memory for "hope." I've tried everything to release the memory, and I know there is no way for me to resolve the issue on my own... not in this reality. But I still want him. I want to love him. I don't think I did a good job explaining my dilemma. I mean, it's complicated. She reminded me that with everything I've written, it would be impossible. I think I forgot to explain how the memory of my vision of the love of the physician feeds my soul. I felt so sad when we were talking. She reminded me to be in that sadness and comfort myself.

Maybe I should focus my hope on the afterlife and reconciliation in another realm?

I also talked about some other things. What to do about the Celtic Viking and if it is something that I should continue. I'm supposed to write a list of all the things I want in a relationship and consider the We in the list. She also gave me permission to not have a traditional attachment. I was feeling some guilt. It doesn't have to be any certain thing except what I want with and for us.

We spend quality time together.
We treat each other with respect and kindness.
We give each other pleasure both in and out of the bedroom.
We enjoy playing together.
We are proud of one another for all that we have been through and grown from.
We give each other room to grow and live healthy full and meaningful lives.

I am thankful that I have a sister who is healing from trauma and has an appreciation of mental wellness. We were talking about what my therapist said. I was kinda distressed about the idea of thinking about the physician in the past tense, considering it has been a source of hope and reason to be for years. My sister suggested, "Maybe the therapist is trying to help you feel your emotions so that you can process the trauma and heal."

Friday night I went over to my grandparent's house to spend time with them they are in their late 80's early 90's. I took a bottle of red wine to celebrate an exciting development.

Grandpa makes grandma margaritas, he says his special trick is to add sugar to make it drinkable, he likes iced red wine. He said the Cantina Zaccagnini Montepulciano d'Abruzzo (Il Vino dal Tralcetto Riserva) 2018 made from the Sangiovese grape was the best wine he'd ever had and plans to try it next time he goes to the store. I liked my selection too... I've always liked drinkable red wine.

The last time I was there visiting with Grandma and Grandpa I was feeling that having taken a career detour with claiming my publication may be an obstacle. But I'm thankful for my family, and for Grandpa who explained that from his point of view my having written my story is a huge asset and he stated he believes that anyone who is intelligent will agree. I cried a little when he said that, for a number of reasons. 1. Professionally it didn't feel that the appreciation was realized yet, 2. I'd shared my story with a promising companion who sent the nicest rejection letter ever, and it well, it about undid my wellness, plus I got sick.

Back to Grandpa. He's very quiet and profoundly deep at thinking. He rarely shares his personal beliefs, but when he does it usually is impactful. I didn't expect him to be an avid supporter. Grandma has historically been close with me.

As a kid, she and I used to get up at 5 am to go to the community center for workout classes, or to research our family tree at the armory on microfilm reels and microfiche. We'd have to arrive by 6 am with our bagged lunches to get machines for our searches. (this was the late eighties and early nineties). We even took a trip to Washington DC to look at the National Archives, the DAR (As for the Daughters of the American Revolution, I refused to join when I found out they wouldn't accept my grandmother's bloodline, but they would accept me as a member...). The family lore says we are related to Benjamin Franklin (illegitimately). But when I heard the commonly touted family story from great-grandma (grandpa's mother) she was about 93 and she winked when she was telling me. I never really trusted that gem. Grandma and I searched for decades trying to find the connection with no luck. But it gave me my first experience of research and I really enjoyed searching for it. We found all sorts of other details about our history digging through census and other records (military). And I learned that you can learn a lot from the census about history.

It is really a blessing to have this time on a random Friday early evening with them. I feel grateful to have living parents and grandparents at my age (mid-forties).

Then yesterday I went to have dinner with my mom and her husband, and we toasted with bubbly in their lovely home over their white marble island countertop. I gave up drinking when I got sick a few months ago, so I'm not really into drinking, but apparently, my family celebrates like that. I'm really happy to have something to be happy about.

So today, I meditated, walked the dogs, went to Trader Joe's, and made gazpacho like I learned when I was a nanny in Spain that summer my grandma arranged for me to visit my second cousin. It is delicious. Then I called my dad. He was about as bored as I was. He'd just canned a bunch of roast beef.

I thought a lot today. I'm curious if my Celtic Viking thinks of me. He's away on vacation. I didn't message him except to share my good news. I spent a lot of time processing stuff with my sister, celebrating with my close contacts, and thinking.

I was thinking about my Celtic Viking, and reflecting on my love of the physician, and the hope it gives me. I am not able to think of the physician in the past tense on my own. I don't really want to let go of my love and sink into the pain. It is quite torturous to do that and to believe my family or therapist is right that the physician doesn't love me. I lived in that state of pain for years and that is HELL to me. I self-medicated with wine for a long time trying to numb that awful feeling of sadness when I felt rejected/isolated/excluded. I mean, I struggle to ignore the attraction and the intensity of the memory of the most intense sexual experience of my life. It is hard to emotionally recognize that it was an error. To know I can experience that for a man... how are men supposed to compete with that? Saying I struggle is an understatement.

I wish I could undergo a therapeutic mushroom trip and heal.

I'm thankful that the physician has a nice playlist that I can believe in when I struggle. Even though it looks abandoned, it means a lot to me. It has helped me get to the place where it doesn't have to be painful to love him.

Something woke me up... I checked the news and didn't fall back to sleep right away. So I got up. I posted a lot of songs on my playlists yesterday and the day before. And I was too busy last night for church. I was supposed to give an archeological bible back to this guy in the class. I need a better system of reminders and to have boundaries with schedule vs. my responsibilities. I meant to stay on schedule but worked through my personal email and missed church...

The music on my playlist reflected my feelings. There are different parts of me that experience this differently. I won't go into the minutiae of my sexual response cycle. Everything works, it's just what gets me there that is the struggle - fantasy or reality? At least today I can enjoy my inner fantasy world for the most part, but want to be in reality and just feel things as they come for me.

I hope that my Celtic Viking doesn't mind I feel bonded with him physically and want to feel his connection and the physical sensation it provides on a regular basis. When he stretches the time between our visits - when I wait I struggle with my needs. I want to build something that is based on reality. He admitted to thinking about me while he was away. He likes to make me climax, and I like to play. I feel free. I can be with him or not. I care about him though, and would never want to deny him. He isn't controlling, and I've known him for almost two years and we still only get together about 3 times per month at most, not enough time in my humble opinion. I'd feel better at once a week (honestly more than that would feel so good). I explained that if I had my way I'd have him on a schedule so I saw him routinely rather than when the stars, sun, our caregiver schedules, and his elderly cat, "fluffy", feels like it.

I like consistency. Finally, after a decade of dating, I can be okay without feeling low about not having a defined committed relationship. A schedule is probably ideal for us. We don't have to live together, although, it is so sweet waking up with him. With working from home it is nice to have space.

I've been thinking about my friend from NY the CUNY computer science Ph.D. candidate who I love, but who would hate the midwest. I've tried to convince him to marry me for years. I even quit Facebook messenger for a year once time after a particular conversation that was heartbreaking for me. Sometimes my texts don't go through to him and he'll respond days late to texts that have lost their intensity - like they are new. I think I'm done with wanting the relationship with him just for the relationship. It isn't that I don't love my friend, it's just that he'd be miserable as a captive in my home. And I love the midwestern city that I live in. I like my life and my freedom as my life is now. He also didn't like that I struggled with the physician's memory. It's complicated with my friend the computer science Ph.D. candidate.

He needs to love himself more. And he wants biological children which my ob-gyn doesn't recommend for me. If he had wanted more eight years ago when we first dated, things would be different.

This morning I sat on the front porch in the predawn darkness. Honey woke up early needing to go out and barked and nudged me awake early.

I’ve been spending time thinking and dreaming about my future.

When I’m old I dream of a simple life spending time gardening and playing in the lawn with my companion. I’d like a flower garden to care for to explore every morning when I take my dog(s) out. I want to wake up every morning and feel securely bonded with my companion.

I dream that by some miracle my love for the physician is realized. When I have this vision it is always hopeful that he could and would want a simple life with me someday. I would appreciate every second with him. I’d be so grateful. Even if I only got one day with him I’d savor every moment. The love I feel for him is the most beautiful feeling I know. Ever since that vision with the ring of light, thoughts of him bring me such hope and serenity.

I think about those simple moments of togetherness we’d have. His kissing my neck. Holding me. Standing with me inspecting and studying our gardens. The tenderness, caring, and my response to the energy of my attraction and feelings of unconditional love are off the chart. It’s the kind of love that could heal anything.

After the honeymoon - I dream of parenting / adopting and growing a family that is good at healing by growing healthy relationships. I still have work to do to keep my daughter well, but she thinks I’d make a good foster mom. I’ve grown so much. I’d be a single foster mom, but I know I need a partner for if I get inadvertently sick again… I want to have my own large family. Just like I did growing up.

My favorite thing to imagine is destination dating. I have these fantasies. We meet each other at conferences. Taking trips to rendezvous. Playing house together at a beach resort conference, then heading back to our lives. Doing it until we want to be together more than we want anything else. Dreaming is fun.

It doesn’t have to be that dream. I’ve thought about the separate lives dream. Where we just show virtual love. But I’d love reality and to learn what happened from the physician’s point of view. I dream of knowing him beyond my imagination.

In reality I haven’t heard back from the Celtic Viking about my growing attachment. Uncertain how he’ll respond to my immediate issue of feeling a growing attachment with him. I think I’m done searching.

Happy Independence Day!

I realized I forgot to mention it was a holiday. I had such a nice day. I won't share the details but loved spending time with Grandma and Grandpa. They fed me and mixed up spritzers. We watched an old movie together, The Music Man. I couldn't remember having seen it before as a movie but vaguely remembered seeing a theater production of it as a kid.

But my favorite part of my day was being led home by a robin from the prayer walk. The birds were behaving oddly today. Honey and I were stared down by the robin several times, then it would lead us further down the path until we were close to developed land again. Honey had disturbed a flock of rock doves nesting in the prairie grasses by the trail.

When I was on the phone with my sister I watched a huge beautiful bumblebee on the hosta. She said something I didn't know and had never heard before about bees. I found it fascinating. She said she was thankful I attract bees. I forgot to tell her about the bird that led us home... And the little bee at my cousin's that was fascinated by my green dress and didn't want to fly away the other week...

I'm not going to judge my dreams. I hope you won't either. It makes me happy, and that is what I need right now. I may wake up one day and realize I've wasted years of my life while I dream an impossible dream, but at least I don't have to feel like I'm living a nightmare, because this is authentic. I want love in my life. And this love is undeniable.

I may eventually form a relationship and grow past my hope and dreams, but I'm not there and don't want to give up, and know I could never deny my love for the physician. As hard as that is to accept, it is also a little bit nuts, romantic, and beautifully vulnerable and shows my brokenness and how I may be sorta damaged. But the love I feel... It is so sweet, it feels like honey. Everyone is sad for me that I don't or wouldn't have the fortitude to punish the physician. But I've let myself feel my way through this, and that love is so powerful. I want to be with it, and not fight it. This is love straight from the source.

Also, I have yet to find any man that is interesting that is interested. I mean it is a huge ask to be a healing partner. Still waiting to hear from the Celtic Viking. I'm curious what he will say, or if he responds. It has been a bit. I'm not going to reach out until I hear from him. This is hard. But this is the reality I'm living in.