Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

I’m thankful for my friends and family today.

This card. The dominion. It is about grounding and not making false compromises. Being emotionally honest...

I’m already doing the work, but it led to a discussion about forgiveness with a good friend who is processing some intense stuff too. I feel blessed to have inspirational friends making their way forward - despite uncertainty, hardship, and assault. We pray for each other. She asked me if I need to forgive myself for not being ready to forgive? Some days I feel that. I’m at acceptance other days. Sadness comes and goes often.

Today on the drive home I tried to have the conversation I need to unwind the attachment to the man. It always undoes me to try to have that conversation to let go. I try to tell why I need to move on. Then I get sucked back into wanting to feel that love and experience that again... but I tell myself it would be too painful to try in reality. And he’d never in a million years want that - that’s the part that makes my nose burn and eyes heavy. Why deep down do I want to believe in his love? Why is that such a hopeful notion?

Everyone else thinks he should be forbidden.

What if he didn’t do it? What if it was the multiverse or some other spiritual interference - literally like a curse. I can’t help but hope he’s innocent, for his sake... I still love him regardless of his actions or my delusions...I understand that the trauma wasn’t ideal for anyone. But it was my experience. I don’t know how to un-experience it. I accept it (mostly) and am unsure if I should ask for him to give me forgiveness or forgive him. I don’t even know his truth. I didn’t want to make peace with this in the judicial system. I knew I got sick, and I didn’t want to go there. The world wasn’t ready.

I realized that whatever happened was a metaphysical event a violation of the holy sanctity of motherhood. Not my doing, but my experience and perception.

What occurred at the memory of the birth was of another world. I feel like I’ve moved between dimensions and it doesn’t even matter if the physician errored. My experience was really unhealthy. Anymore since I started to work with a spiritual healer, I’m doing the work to ground and center. I feel free of the memory most of the time. On occasion - I feel angry... I’d rather be at acceptance all the time. And even if the doctor is guilty as sin, I forgive him because I love myself and it doesn’t help me to keep accusing him of causing me pain. It’s my own desire and attachment that causes pain and suffering. He hasn’t done anything hurtful since 2008/2012. And without this soul challenge, I’d be a less dynamic person and have less depth and character. I’d be flat and boring.

I probably brought this on myself wishing for an interesting life as a teenager. Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

I wish there was a cure for duality. Wait... I think it’s called the truth. Would I believe him? I just want to forgive and be able to grow reciprocated love.

Lots of love,

Sunny

P.S. I'm thankful for the lovely red bird - the cardinal - resting on my front porch this evening taking shelter from the rain and being there. He was lovely.

I'm also thankful for the roasted vegetables and dish my mom sent over from that dreamy diner club she belongs to.

I’m thankful that I’m okay even though I have been unwell.

I’m seeing auras, orbs and colorful shapes form outside people when they talk. Like when the therapist said something about getting tired of talking about oneself - a beautiful giant golden blob appeared outside her to the right of her. I’m in care. I’m not well, but I’m okay.

I feel this is a holy war happening within each of us. I see it when I talk to people. I watch them struggling to let their energy flow. Even my church’s minister struggles with it when he talks about politics - I saw a dark blob circle in his golden aura the last time I chose to sit through a sermon in person. It happened when he was talking about political views.

Today in the mirror I saw my aura and it was lovely shades of gold and it was the biggest I’ve seen mine. Not as big as that one time where a New York healthcare provider had like a half a foot of aura surrounding him. That was impressive, although his medical assessment was less impressive. He missed my daughters need to see an ent specialist and prescribed an ineffective treatment regimine.

My therapist yesterday had a healthy solid aura, and when she would laugh it would grow.

My horoscope said there is supportive energy to get what I truly want… which would be to be loved.

My issue is that I feel such pleasure and hope at the thought of loving the physician and healing that karma. But the lyrics on the song back against the wall that played on my drive home suggests that I’ll never escape this karma. I’d never remembered the lyrics that way before… I mean, I believe the trauma 16 years ago at my daughters birth it wasn’t intended. But I want to want him. I am okay to live my life divorced and alone. I have accepted it. I don’t really want a random partner who will help me fix what broke, but would probably be a compromise. And they’d probably not honestly be able to match the level of passion I feel for the physician. I’m better off alone and struggling to love myself than bonded to a partner I wish was the physician - who isn’t. That is a hard reality to accept. But, I feel right this way. I’m being true to myself, although it isn’t the easy path. I don’t believe he intended his touch the way I experienced it. I accept that my perception may have been flawed too, and I can do the right thing without a compromise this way. I’m accepting being alone at night. I honestly never wanted anything more than to feel love. With an exception that I desire to be a good mother and support my daughter. Family trumps my desire for intimacy. But I will be okay. I accept my loneliness. It’s sad but most men don’t understand anyway. And I am tired of trying to make them understand. It never works.

It’s been a decade… since the night the bedside lamp caught on fire, the experience where I felt coerced by some unknown force out of my marriage. And I surrendered to it because I knew It was not good. The marriage needed to end.

But ten years later I struggle. I’m not better than I was in the relationship with my ex. Maybe his life is better. My struggle with my visceral needs sucks.

Today I'm thankful for my mother being able to drop everything and help me. And for my stepdad's monitoring his voicemail. And for my dad picking up his phone to be moral support. I was stuck in a program for mental health and just needed to get to primary care. I'm not well, but something isn't right. I felt that the assessment individual at the facility wanted to coerce me into inpatient care. I know I'm not well, but something is physically and medically wrong, and I can't function to work and don't feel able. I'm not a threat to myself or others and just want to be home in bed. But I was referred to this partial hospitalization mental health program by my psychiatrist who'd only give one week of sick time. He doesn't understand that I can't function. I feel so sick (with physical sensations) that it didn't occur to me to make a primary care appointment. Anyway, they were scheduled out for a month. Without the partial hospitalization, I wouldn't have known my blood pressure was too high. It has been a whole week F-F with my blood pressure being over the normal range, and the facility didn't even consider treating my hypertension. They talked about changing or adding more psych meds which would just jack up my system even more than I'm already feeling. I just wanted to get to my primary care lady.

When I asked the facility for a list of my blood pressure measurements, they only had one documented. Why are they taking vitals if they aren't reporting it? I distinctly remember having it taken 1, 2, 3, 4 times. Once that first assessment, then the day of orientation with the nursing staff, then the second/third day they sent someone with a machine to check me before I saw the nurse practitioner, then today. I wanted the list to share with my primary care doctor.

I was so upset when the assessment individual said, "Well, we aren't even certain you'll be able to leave today." If I didn't know my rights, that might have broken me (I'm sick and can't focus easily on anything other than my feelings and emotions). I know I have a right to care with the least restrictive means possible. And they have no right to hold me if I'm not a threat to myself or others. I'm not well, but I don't want to be away from my dogs and my daughter. And if they aren't going to treat my health needs, I needed out of there. I felt their care system was lacking because they were not providing the full scope of care, medical and mental health care, and I believed they wanted to keep me because I have a mental illness, without regard for my physical healthcare needs. Thank God, my mother, *mod edit* came to my rescue. She made sure to tell them *mod edit*, and aided me in getting out to get to my primary care provider. I feel certain that I would have been stuck in that place without having my healthcare needs addressed without my mother's advocacy and assistance.

When I talked with my primary care provider, apparently, they'd called to talk with her to make sure she was comfortable to have me in her office. She said she said to send me over. The idea that the facility wanted to assess my primary care provider's willingness to treat is upsetting. I'm thankful she is a really dedicated and attentive lady. She's the one who figured out my daughter needed an ENT Surgeon, a recommendation we'd needed for years.

Today, my primary care provider diagnosed high blood pressure and prescribed medication and put in a number of bloodwork and analysis lab requests. I'm struggling to write with my pen and paper today. It is just overwhelming. I can have a conversation and type freely, but to try to comprehend a Q & A format is too much. I'm glad I can type. I'm thankful for that. I'm impacted in weird ways like I can remember maps and directions to locations but can't process time. I lost an hour this morning. I left the house at what I thought was 7:07 but didn't arrive at my destination for an hour. I went the same route I always take. Maybe I remembered the departure time wrong.

I am so thankful for my competent lady physician who figured out and ordered appropriate tests. The values are out of range for wbc and bacteria. I feel so validated for feeling unwell and being unable. Considering she already found two medical issues. I still don’t have access to all the tests. I expect sometime Monday to hear from the doctor a follow up. So I’m trying not to worry, because I know I’m in good hands and trust It isn’t life threatening or they would notify me sooner. This is far better being home with my comfy slippers and feet up adjusting to my new health regimen - medicine & Walking the dogs & a low sugar low fat low salt diet.

This morning I’m thankful Honey is shy of animals. She discovered a ferret living in our down spout. It barred its teeth and hissed at her. I was worried she’d try to catch it like the bunny under the holly on Easter Sunday:( She decided to back out from the evergreen bushes… and come to my call. This was progress.

I’m also thankful for my neighbors and our local community. They are trying to find a way to re- home the ferret from my drain spout. A little worried about socialization considering the teeth situation, but the ferret was backed in a corner, and it was raining so his home wasn’t really an option.

Glad to see you home and getting some physical tests run. Saying something's all in your head was a cop-out on their part.

Hi Snaga,
Nice to wake up to see your message. I’m a bit anxious today. Hanging in trying to sip my chamomile tea and relax. It really isn’t in my hands beyond what I consume - food and beverage. My dad told me I need to meditate and listen to high vibration healing music. My aunt sent me YouTube videos on how to improve my eating. My neighbor offered to trap the ferret and re-home it. I just need to get through today. It is hard to read today. I have to force it. I talked to my dad. He thought through the symptoms with me. My cognition is just #######5 right now but that’s just more of a symptom they already know about. He had me take my temp. No significant temperature so I don’t need to go to the hospital. I just need to relax and have faith that I’m doing what I need to be doing.
Thanks for listening.
Sunny

Well just hoping they get to figure out what's wrong, and I know what it's like to just be cooling your heels waiting to figure out what's wrong with you- I has a feeling I'll be doing a bit of that myself soon.

Hi Snaga,
I hope you feel better soon. Feel free to pm if you ever feel like you want support. I get emails on my phone to notify me. If I’m awake, I’ll respond!
Sunny

Today my mom came over to help with organizing the house and spend time together. I’m so thankful for her. I had her read all the correspondence with my amazing supervisor at work. Last week I struggled with typing this week it’s writing with my pen. I mean it takes too much effort. It isnt supposed to be that way.

My daughter has been doing well through this uncertain time. She gets her second dose tomorrow of the vaccine. She has healthy relationships with kids her age and I trust her to do her homework and study for finals. She is a hard working student, I’m so proud of her. She can drive - so thankful for that.

Once she’s vaccinated I can’t wait to buy her tickets to visit her dad. It’s been too long between trips due to covid concerns about travel.

Today I’m thankful I got to spend time with my grandparents this weekend. But on the way there Milky chance played on my daughter’s playlist while I drove us to my parents for dinner with the grandparents/great grandparents.

That song stirred so many emotions…. Stolen dance. I am at a strange place in my recovery journey. I understand I struggle to fight infection like a normal person. And that I see my hypertension with visual changes. I almost lost my mental health again with this last bout of illness, but I have the skills to avoid things that accelerate my mental illness.

For me, I avoid lyrics in music and other popular video programming like movies or TV shows. Instead, I talk with people I trust and work through what I’m going through to make sure there isn’t some symptom that I’m missing and not addressing with healthcare needs.

Now that my issue has passed without decompression into psychosis taking hold, I’m starting to understand how my mental illness progresses. I’m thankful to have learned skills to avoid it.

But I still struggle with my issue about that attraction to the physician. I’m not ready to hear him say his truth. Maybe in a year or two when I’m healthier. Someday, I hope to understand what happened. If it wasn’t him, or if it was him, then what happened? I want a conversation. I imagine embracing him regardless of what is said then sending him home, knowing I’ll always have love for him. Also knowing that My desire for him has burned bright for over 16 years…. It is really something special - I don’t know what to do with it…

If he didn’t do it then maybe it was some other dimension breaking through. If he did it, I want him to make it right with God and the world and marry me.