Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

Happy Halloween

I sat in the dining room eating miniature candy bars staring out the window this morning. I let the tears stream down my face til they tickled the hair on my chin. Last night I was at a meeting. I watched the speaker share his story. As he spoke his aura would shift. I watched a darkens rise above him as he deflated and lost composure letting out emotion. After the meeting I went up and thanked him for sharing and apologized for having had too much coffee and looking at the visual effects trailing above his head. Although to be honest…. The mild hallucination probably not likely all caffeine. I mean I see energy stuff sometimes. But I don’t talk about it because more medicine probably won’t fix my eyes. It will make my struggle harder in other ways. I’m not having delusions so I am not fully psychotic. I probably need to monitor my blood pressure more and maybe address that health issue by not eating candy. I’m having an ongoing issue that causes inflammation. I’m treating it as directed and don’t need surgery…

My friend and I sat in the dining room talking till after 11 pm last night. It is so nice to have people who relate to parts of the struggle. Then tonight another friend came over to cook and write, but we shared stories instead. She’s the most talented writer I’ve written with. I hope she decides to grow her soul and finds the future she seeks.

This morning the tears came because I don’t know how to move on. I’m stuck and mind ###$. If I love more will it help? I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. How will I be able to grow a relationship when my heart is busy loving the physician? I remember when I was very ill the messages were direct that I could love anyone I want.

There is one person who may match the energy of the physician. However, my disabled friend who connects with spirits got a serious warning from her guides to stay away from that one. In all our years as friends she’s never warned me before. And my sister shared a concern, too.

I wish there was a way forward that wasn’t so solitary. I read the definition of complex trauma. It included sexual and medical trauma. How can I heal from this? My therapist wants me to grow a relationship. I have taken classes on healthy relationships. I just don’t know how to stay in my relationships when I feel the pull, and need to reconcile my experience. It is such a struggle.

-- Sun Oct 31, 2021 11:03 pm --

Happy Halloween

I sat in the dining room eating miniature candy bars staring out the window this morning. I let the tears stream down my face til they tickled the hair on my chin. Last night I was at a meeting. I watched the speaker share his story. As he spoke his aura would shift. I watched a darkens rise above him as he deflated and lost composure letting out emotion. After the meeting I went up and thanked him for sharing and apologized for having had too much coffee and looking at the visual effects trailing above his head. Although to be honest…. The mild hallucination probably not likely all caffeine. I mean I see energy stuff sometimes. But I don’t talk about it because more medicine probably won’t fix my eyes. It will make my struggle harder in other ways. I’m not having delusions so I am not fully psychotic. I probably need to monitor my blood pressure more and maybe address that health issue by not eating candy. I’m having an ongoing issue that causes inflammation. I’m treating it as directed and don’t need surgery…

My friend and I sat in the dining room talking till after 11 pm last night. It is so nice to have people who relate to parts of the struggle. Then tonight another friend came over to cook and write, but we shared stories instead. She’s the most talented writer I’ve written with. I hope she decides to grow her soul and finds the future she seeks.

This morning the tears came because I don’t know how to move on. I’m stuck and mind ###$. If I love more will it help? I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. How will I be able to grow a relationship when my heart is busy loving the physician? I remember when I was very ill the messages were direct that I could love anyone I want.

There is one person who may match the energy of the physician. However, my disabled friend who connects with spirits got a serious warning from her guides to stay away from that one. In all our years as friends she’s never warned me before. And my sister shared a concern, too.

I wish there was a way forward that wasn’t so solitary. I read the definition of complex trauma. It included sexual and medical trauma. How can I heal from this? My therapist wants me to grow a relationship. I have taken classes on healthy relationships. I just don’t know how to stay in my relationships when I feel the pull, and need to reconcile my experience. It is such a struggle.

Monday I took most of the day as a sick day.

Maybe I am delusional.

Tuesday, today. I felt so much love. I’m not gonna try to be “good” today. I’m going to be honest that loving feels right and good. I am savoring my love for the physician today. Just in my imagination thinking of being with his spirit is comforting. Just being there by him in my mind gives me serenity. It isn’t even lust. It is just love of a special creation of the forgiveness kind of brand.

My guide through the steps is taking me back to do a deeper dive on 6&7. I failed to make my appointment working with my shaman to remove any attachments that attempt to take free will from me. Another meeting ran over schedule today. I didn’t intend to miss the session with her. She was kind enough to reschedule.

I bought “drop the rock” a book to work through. In time I believe in healing pain and choosing not to suffer. I don’t want to live alone and imagining what people say is delusional - family says it’s delusional that the physician may love me, but I want to believe it, because it feels so right and good to me. It’s the only way that isn’t tragic to me at this time and most of the time it is the only uplifting way.

I wrote my doctors and stopped taking the medicine that the Internet said had two moderate interactions with my essential medicine. That drug interaction checking tool said It supposedly causes lowered blood pressure. I felt weird all over after I used it. I’ve used it a week. Then got severe anxiety. But the pharmacist and np assured me it was topical and impossible to get into the system. I don’t think they’ve understood the issue with my wound. The painful tear that has been an issue for a while. Months. Anyway, enough about that painful issue, at least I know I need to try something else to heal it. It was getting better. Although I think I may have mistaken the drug interactions for a unwanted presence in my meditation…

Today someone placed a flower on my porch. In my favorite spot. It was a blue green hydrangea. With a tinge of purple. I don’t know why it is so colorful is my soil acidic? Does my hydrangea bed have a virus? It looked nice with the orange and grey pumpkin from my aunts farm.

I hate to say it, but something #####Y happened. Processing the issue in real-time. It was funny, the look in my eyes made me laugh so hard... I cried when I realized that look is a look of alarm. The photo touches on my complex trauma. I'm still trying to heal from this massive trauma wound caused by the physician at the birth.

The new fool had no right to touch me. I have no space to accept a violation of my personhood, sanctity, and my private body parts, and it was in public! It was caught with pictures?!? It is wrong to touch a person without consent, regardless of the person's gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, age, disability status, etc. I wish my ability to accept sexual misconduct wasn't surpassed. I wish I had the privilege to laugh without crying and feeling angry, sad, humiliated, and every emotion I can imagine all at once. However, I have no ability to accept it again, and at this point, I know my rights. I realize it wasn't his stomach pressing into me when I saw the picture the next day, and it isn't okay with me. I did not consent. I am not in a mutually beneficial relationship with him, and there was no communication requesting permission to touch my body. That is where I draw the line. I called the hotline four times so far. I'm sure I'll be calling more for support. I communicated with my writing support therapist and scheduled an appointment with my trauma therapist. I made the decision to report the issue. The people I call my team believe my decision is healthy and are supportive. I'm grateful for my people. All those who love and care about my wellbeing. I just want to be able to focus on my work and not be distracted by all the trauma.

#boudaries #consentmatters

Apparently, anybody can touch your body’s privates and get away with it. That was my takeaway from talking with the municipality.

On last Saturday, a comedian leaned in. When the picture was taken, I thought it was his stomach pressing into me as it was happening. It wasn’t till the next day when I looked at the photo that I got the joke.

In the photo my eyes show a laughable expression of alarm, when you zoom in. At first, I too thought the expression was funny, until I realized, this violation touches complex trauma wounds. Not a modern joke at all.

This is an old school romance move and it’s unhealthy humor, it’s not cool (Old school romance is defined best by “Beyond Heaving Bosom’s: the Smart Bitc#es Guide to Romance”).
In the late 90’s the Romance Writers of America Association banned rape and rape culture from mass media content, this started the evolution of new school romance. I want new school romance with actions in the context of healthy relationships. #consentmatters #notajoke. This is past the point of funny.

The Comedian did not ask for consent and I do not have a consensual relationship with him that would allow such public familiarity.

I am not okay with this. It didn’t happen because I was dressed sexy, case in point, my basic long green dress. I was not drinking. I quit alcohol a while ago. Although I drank for years to cope with the last time a man violated. The original trauma that I couldn’t make sense of happened during an exam while experiencing orgasmic labor at the birth of my daughter. It took me 15 years to process that trauma to be able to respond with a healthy ability to hold my boundaries. By the time I reported it to the Medical Board it was 15 years after the incident, it was past the 5-year statute of limitations. But what’s 10 years when you are healing trauma? Healing is slow with these types of wounds. That is my experience anyway.

On Monday evening, I decided to make my own moves:
• I called the sexual assault hotline and looked up my rights at http://www.rainn.org.
• I went and made a report to the PD. I chose to enforce my boundaries. This is a health issue regardless of age, race, ethnicity, gender, and disability status. Last time I waited to act I suffered for years without healing, stuck in my issue and getting stuck in the energy of entanglement. I’m not gonna play around with the idea that “someday he will love me.” I’m past that place.

I got sick of telling my story sadly, years ago. That was the whole purpose for choosing stand-up comedy. Then this fool touches my trauma and I have the picture of it as a bad reminder that comedy needs to evolve. That is right Mr. Comedian, that’s you. I do not accept it. My ability to put up with sexual misconduct has been depleted when the physician abused his power at the birth of my daughter then I lost my mental health.

I don’t have the privilege to laugh this off. Last time a man with power abused his power I wrote a book. This time you get this post. This is about me having agency and holding healthy boundaries.

Why does the city get to decide I don’t I have rights against sexual misconduct?

Today 11/11/2021, Veteran’s Day, I got a call from the PD. The municipality refused to act on my report. My take away: Guard you’re a$$ and tits ladies and gentlemen. Apparently, anybody can touch your body’s privates and get away with it.

The hotline #, I’ve needed it 5 times already.

I only want sexual contact and intimacy within the context of a healthy relationship. Comedian, this wasn’t a healthy move. Please don’t assume every woman wants sexual touches. I assure you, I want a healthy relationship, and this isn’t it.

Violating a woman and not having a relationship where she is satisfied is just wrong. Please don’t touch without consent.

#consentmatters #TheComedian #humanrights #boundaries

The thing I'm grateful about is that this may provide an opportunity to process my trauma differently. Maybe in some perverse way it will help me heal from the deeper wound. I'm upset, but I'm hopeful this time it's different. I'm not caught up in the escalation the same way personally. I'm hopeful that in time I can heal this. After some time reflecting, I realized, it doesn't matter if he touched me or not. I've experienced the multiverse - thanks to Samsara, that God of duality, and it doesn't matter at this point. I trust in a higher power. I cannot change the perception that this man's fingers touched my breast without consent. But I can change, and ask my higher power to remove the character defect (lust) that destroyed my life after the last time I was violated. And I can work to build a relationship that I can heal in, where with consent I can heal this with real love and affection.

These idiots! Of anyone to violate, not me man. Stay away unless you want a relationship.

The reaction to this issue on Facebook was profound. I was afraid it'd make primetime if I left the photo up. Over 33 shares and over 222 comments, in 23 hours. So, I deleted the image. I listened to the fans that this man lives his life by his values. My request was that he add consent to that list of values. If it was the multiverse and I experienced it in error, I want to know. And I apologies that you had to learn about my reality the hard way. If it was an accident, I will work on forgiveness. But this violation is complicated for me personally. It didn't help that the club owner failed to respond and communicate. I feel so vulnerable being touched even by accident like that, and with it happening in a picture, too. Outrageous. If I believed they would prevent it, I'd go back to the venue, but until they declare a respect for boundaries, I'm not going back. This isn't the first report of inappropriate behavior at a comedy place I've heard of... But to think that kind of humor would be allowed - it's 2021... evolve already. I don't want The Comedian canceled - he was the funniest comedian to pass through town. He is funny. I just hope he'll educate others to respect boundaries. Trauma sucks.

Public Apology - Dialogue Matters

Dear Friends, Family, and the Comedian,

I want to apologize to friends, family, and especially to the Comedian. I'll start out with full disclosure, I have serious mental illness and have been struggling with inflammation and to be honest, my mental health has not been 100%. It varies day by day with my personal issue (I have a problem - causing inflammation and impacting my wellness). I do not say that as an excuse for my actions, but if I was 100% I would like to think I would have done better. Not that I want you all up in my business, but I was feeling really lousy about this situation. And I believe honesty is the best policy. I want to explain what happened, and what I learned, and what I hope for in the future.

1. I posted a long post on social media that consent matters. I perceived that the Comedian had touched my breast during a public photo opportunity. Some agreed with my perception of the picture, some could care less, for some it induced trauma, and many others were confused, I'm sorry for adding to everyone's trauma. It isn't that I didn't perceive it, but after talking with my therapist, I realized I needed to have a healthy conversation with the Comedian if I want to try to heal.

2. In reflecting, I've experienced Samsara, duality, and delusion before, so honestly, at this point, it doesn't matter if he touched me or not. My therapist believed I needed to talk with the Comedian to process this event better for my own ability to heal. My narrative was just that, one-sided, without the perception of others involved.

3. When the Comedian and I had a brief dialogue, I understood that he had no intention of a cruel joke, harming, violating, or even touching me. I realized the intent wasn't there. It was not my finest moment mentally having gone out on a limb with the picture on social media saying to guard your privates. My social media narrative didn't help the situation. While I agree that consent matters, after communicating with the Comedian's loyal fans - who convinced me to take the post down and listen. People said, "this Comedian lives by his values." That made me think I needed a better way to understand my perception. I have character and have lived differently enough to know my narrative isn't always reliable, and my therapist is right, dialogue matters. Plus, I have no interest in harming anyone's career.

4. The Comedian is really the funniest comedian who's come through town. I would like to humbly apologize to all of you. I have another issue of a deeper trauma that I've been stuck trying to heal for over 15 years. This time, I developed a fear that I'd feel trapped the same way struggling with this perceived violation. Thankfully, I hope to heal from this matter with the Comedian better than the last issue where I perceived that exam with the Physician as a violation.

5. If I could go back, I would have had a dialogue directly with the Comedian about the issue prior to going to report it through posting all over social media. The comedian and I deserve to treat each other as fellow human beings and have a dialogue about what happened. Today, I think the United States is falling to $#%^ because people aren't having these conversations. The legal system sucks for dealing with things, it takes too long, there is little healing, and a lot of wrongs are being done by the system. I needed to hear the Comedian's point of view to find a common ground to listen and understand what the heck happened. This world is wild with video everywhere, and we need to connect and understand all the information - especially together. I want a world where everyone wants to be and that means I want to listen and understand more. I want people to talk with me to find common ground when I'm hurt. I'm human, not perfect, but trying to do better.

6. I thought railing against the issue of my perceived violation would make it better. Turns out I felt worse than if I'd sucked it up and tried to cope with my perception in isolation. With any social issue, we need a social solution. There was a need for dialogue and inclusion. Isolation is about the worst thing for mental health. We need more conversation and dialogue.

7. Thank you to M. a super fan for helping to raise my awareness of how this issue was traumatizing and irresponsible. I'm sorry.

8. Thank you for reading this long commentary. Please accept my sincere apology. Next time I think about posting, I'm gonna try having a real conversation instead. I wish I'd called someone sooner.
I am truly sorry for any emotional response my earlier post may have brought. In reflecting on this I've decided to take a vacation from social media (after this post to make amends to the Comedian).

Now I'm trying to focus on self-care, but I can't get the thought of him out of my head. I'm going to sit with this for some time trying to let it be.

Sunny

Some Time

I closed the computer and cried for some time. This happens often, though usually I can put it on the shelf to work… I still can’t wear eye makeup without evidence of my sadness. The thought that got me today was fear that I’ll waste the rest of my life waiting for the physician to appear in real life.
- Will he ever show up?
- When and how can I open that door to healing? It feels like there are infinite doors to open to get there…
- Will I ever give up hope for his love?
- My tears feel sad.

I’m still working on me. And, I’m ready for the conversation with the physician. Maybe after the holidays. Once the Christmas decorations are away. Maybe sometime mid January or after…

For a while now, every day I step onto the front porch to take Honey outside and I imagine finding him there at about 7:52 am. Maybe it’s a day where my hair is still wet. I’m barefoot and it’s freezing outside. Like this morning. I like to stand in the grass with my bare feet all year round. It helps me connect with the earth. Or, I imagine getting organized early and already being at my desk. He rings the doorbell, but Honey’s already notified me there is someone there. I hopefully got ready and look ok, and took the time to make my bed, and clean up the kitchen.

Or maybe it’s 7:52 pm… letting Honey out.

If he ever comes, I just want to hold him and not let go for a very long time. I’m gonna cry. I’m gonna laugh that I am crying at something so joyous as his showing up. And finally, I will feel relief. Knowing I’m not so isolated, monstrous, and unlovable that I wasn’t even allowed the the access to be treated as a human and talk. I am worthy of love. Even if it’s not his love, some time, somebody will love me…. I want to be freed. Doesn’t he want to be out of my thoughts, too?

I just want to hold him in my cold yard until I can’t feel my toes. I want to offer him water or coffee, and hear the truth from his point of view. I think we’d both feel better. If he records it and sends me the video, I’d appreciate it. More than words.

When I imagine growing old - I dream of being old with the physician. I want to know him. Or be let go so I can find healing and grow a relationship with someone who appreciates the beauty of my personhood (warts and all) in real life. It isn’t that I couldn’t grow another love, it is that my deepest hope is the love of the physician…. I’m stuck. It is a spiritual and other worldly attraction. I want to move past this, but my love for the physician still burns.

I don’t know how to break the spell alone. I need help. I tried a Shaman, she tried to cut the attachment completely to sever it. Within a week the incident with the comedian happened.

The physician will never come without a reason. Maybe I could free him from the guilt? My problem was I wanted what happened and desired him more than anything. It was out of control. Infinitely.

My therapist believes I needed a relationship to heal. In my early days trying to cope, I couldn’t bear the distress. I tried to escape but just got stuck alone in my head.

I know I have to complete myself. He will never fulfill that part for me. That’s my work for me. But I want to know how it would feel in real life. I want to know what he feels like. Even if just one hug.

I’m curious. I want to know him. Despite all my struggle he is still so attractive to me. the pain of silence, and everything…. I don’t think I’ll successfully move on without a conversation. I mean, how can I heal?

I can imagine closure and healing if we could just talk. I want to know in real life…
I want to savor his touch.
I want to feel if he responds to my chemistry
I want to know how it feels to be together
I want to laugh and play
I imagine it like an experiment
Playing with my attraction might be fun

It’s 3am. I’m alone in my bed. But my future destiny wants me. I’ll be okay.

Even with the comedians entanglement…. that… I don’t understand. Why did that happen? What is the lesson from it? To avoid using social media?

I’m still stuck with my hope for the physician. I am doing the work. I am taking care of myself. Went to yoga yesterday. Scheduling walks. Eating almost healthy. And quit drinking after quitting smoking. And I drink more water.

I’m on my wellness path. It would help to have a conversation. I want to heal.

In the past I felt:
The worst feeling is falling for someone and knowing that they wont be there to catch you.
-Rashida Rowe

Today I feel:
Technically, I’m single. But my heart is taken by someone I can’t call my own.
-Wiz Khalifa

In the future, I dream:
I hope to find peace and serenity in loving and forgiving myself for eternally loving the physician.

I choose to be alone to align my desire with a higher level of being, to avoid mistakenly causing harm to others. It has been almost 17 years and I haven't gotten over the experience of that altered perception of reality, and the intensity of my experience. If I could have prevented falling in love with the physician I would have. I realize I'm unable to marry the Brooklyn Man or entertain the artist. I'm canceling my trip. And I need to stop asking the Brooklyn man to marry me, it isn't fair to him or acknowledging my condition. I don't know how to get better. Certainly, this isn't the way my therapists would have it work, but I'm at a loss for an authentic solution.

I understand that the Physician prefers the relationship he has. But I can't help but hold a light with hope for the future. I imagine growing old in my garden searching for his presence every morning. Each day when I take the dog outside I spend time imagining that future. I have yet to lose hope... until the afternoons. The afternoons are hard. But I'm working through it the best I can. I prayed to God today to take the pain and sorrow. My desire for the Physician is so selfish. To imagine that the Physician could even begin to ever try to return my love... If he gave me a week, would it cure me of my illusion? How could any human experience my level of intensity? But then, it would be divinely inspired.

I do think it would be fun to experience the earthly potential of otherworldly love while I'm still young-ish. I hope to live to be in my 90's like my grandparents. But even if I have to wait till I'm 85, it would be worth the wait. What're another 40 years? I've waited for nearly 17... Although the definition of "waiting" is used broadly... And it hasn't been 100% consistent. I've had many emotions and processed a lot of "Big" emotions about the birth and then falling in love with my physician, then losing my mental health. It's a long story, but here I am... Feeling, breathing, and loving with my dog by my side.

I was relieved to hear from a friend who'd gone radio silent. I was worried about her. She'd been struggling, but she found care, was hospitalized for two weeks, and has a solid medical team treating her - people I'd recommended. It took her over a month to sort everything out. I'm glad I have people in my life I can relate to. It's not perfect, but progress.

Tonight I took out the trash. Two carrots and celery fell out of the bag into the front garden. I'd forgotten to make soup with thanksgiving bird leftovers and didn't want to compost the dish due to the fowl bones, and the risk for my dogs and rodents... I wonder if the veggies will be there in the morning? I also did the dishes and made hot tea.

If you made it this far, thank you for your dedication to reading. Sometimes I wonder, who reads? I would totally read it, the content on the forums is the type of thing that makes other people feel better about their own issues. I hope you'll reach out and check on your friends and family. The holidays are the hardest time of the year. And don't forget to check in on yourself, too.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, I went to walk in the park where my sister’s ashes were spread in 2018. I looked for the bench but didn’t find it. Walking helped ease some of the emotions. I’d lost my cool when my daughter and her friend hijacked the Alexa app to play the Cha Cha Slide on volume 10 repeatedly as I was in the kitchen trying to accomplish something. She and her friend thought it was funny, but I was not okay with being played with like that. I left the house quickly and took a long drive. It is my first sober Christmas in 17 years (since 2004). I haven’t been this sober since I was pregnant with my daughter.

In the morning, I’d taken my daughter for her booster shot, then I went to a few meetings, then my
daughter called, and I learned she was experiencing a fever of 100.6. I talked with the pharmacist who said use Tylenol. Friday, I woke up early and knocked on her door to check on her, she’s fine. Fever went away, and my fear subsided a bit.

But last night I went to a meeting and cried. I said it was about my sister, but it was there was something touching my feelings and another type of fear that I was struggling to lift from. I’m afraid of growing emotions for someone I cannot have. And I struggle to just be. I know what it is like to feel lonely, but these were tears for fears. Anyway, I’m taking my time to heal. I am taking these 16 months to sober up and get as well as I can be. A month for every year I spent drinking at my trauma. Drinking at the character defect that escalated my desire trying to numb it.
I was reading the news about FOIA requests and the lack of debate over the public health policies that we all experienced in the United States over the course of the pandemic. I remember being in my foundational Master level coursework for public health policy class in the fall of 2004. I tried to engage my now retired professor in a conversation about the economic implications of the pandemic strategy to conserve healthcare resources and shutdown the system.

I asked, “What happens to everyone’s jobs if we have to stop working?” He refused to talk.

He stood in front of the class silent for a while. It was the most awkward thing I’ve seen. I loved my professor, he was a wise instructor, but I wish I’d realized the implications of an approach to science that lacked public discourse and discussion. Did he believe that we’d all become socialist if we locked down the way the professor recommended? How does the world function in that chaos? I still think it is a valid conversation to have. I think the world would be better if we had that conversation and engaged discussions by scientists, but then, this is probably about a higher level of control and power. Reading the way Francis Collins and Fauci shut down scientific discussions today, made me reflect.

In my years living and dating on the East Coast, I had the opportunity to get to know a young man whose father had been an NIH Director. He was looking for something to evolve naturally with a partner, and that was cool and comfortable to just hang out. I am not cool, I do not chill and relax with substances, other than drinking at that time, and had more needs than he was interested in. Plus, being the mom of an elementary school child (it was December 2013), I was only available M, T and every other F, S, S, M, T. Due to my 5-5-2-2 schedule. We weren’t a match, although I thought there could have been potential – if he had been interested in anything other than his lifestyle. At the time, he was unmotivated by life. He spent most of his time getting high watching porn. He was a grown man experiencing an extended adolescence. I suppose having family who pay the bills will do that to a person.

But I did learn something interesting. His grandfather (mom’s dad) was an elected official from the South. (Congressional or Senator). He’d explained his family’s disbelief that his dad had been selected to run the NIH as a freshly minted PhD when he was little. I balked at learning this, and described how I perceived that level of control, and suggested in must have been a complicated relationship with his dad and the legislator. I saw it as nepotism and a way to control science, he was in complete denial. I’d say that was about the time the relationship stopped. I felt stashed, and he didn’t want to be scheduled. Plus, we did not see eye to eye on how things work, I wanted someone who could talk about things that mattered to me, and someone who wanted my emails.

I'm grateful that I am growing and able to be with my tears and feel the sadness until it passes when it comes. It comes often, a few times a day, and lasts 30 seconds to 30 minutes. My therapist helped me understand why the beginning of the 12 steps is so challenging, insidiously tricky, and dangerous if I fail at it. That first action in the program involves stepping into Self, the part in IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy) that is the part where God lives in each of us. Bearing witness to my sadness, being with myself during that time. Rather than pushing it away, ignoring it, or acting out with distraction - drinking, sex, or other behaviors trying to escape it. I' can't change that the physician continues to fail me every day by refusing to acknowledge or discuss what happened. He's never shown up for me in real life. What I can change is my response to that sadness. I can be with it and fully feel it. I can pray to God that my character defects are removed for that day, and that I don't escalate the trauma into dysregulation beyond tears.

According to goodtherapy.org https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/internal-family-systems-therapy

In IFS therapy, the Self represents the seat of consciousness and what each person is at the core. The Self demonstrates many positive qualities such as acceptance, confidence, calmness, wisdom, compassion, connectedness, leadership and perspective. Unlike visible parts, the Self is never seen. It is the witnessing “I” in the inner world—this aspect of an individual does the observing.

The IFS model aims to differentiate the Self from the other parts (managers, firefighters, and exiles) making up a person’s inner world. The ultimate goal of IFS is to unburden or restore extreme and wounded parts and establish a trusted, healthy, harmonious internal system that is coordinated by the Self.

Once in a state of Self, people in treatment will know what to say to each part in order to promote internal system harmony. IFS therapists therefore try to help people achieve and maintain a state of Self so they can become counselors to own internal families. This increased internal harmony often results in positive thoughts and behaviors in the external life of the individual.

Make that 30 seconds to 3 or more hours.