Letters never sent.

Saturday 3/28/2020

Dear humanity, please survive this.

#Covid-19

-- Mon Mar 30, 2020 7:17 pm --

3/27/2020

You are loved and protected with the power of love.

This is spiritual and defies time, distance, and reason.

Like a prayer you're surrounded with all the light from hope and love.

Sunnyg wrote:
You are loved and protected with the power of love.

So, people who die from Covid aren't loved?

this is spiritual and defies...reason.

Agreed.

Hi justonemoreperson,
Welcome to psychforums. I’m sorry my post wasn’t clear. That was not the intention of my words. I value all.

Peace,
Sunny

Sunnyg wrote:Hi justonemoreperson,
I value all.

Very impressive. Like some eternal golden child.

Hey,
It’s more like a message about unrequited love...
Lots of love,
Sunny

Tonight I found myself skipping the inspirational meeting and writing instead. The mic for the event came through my speakers with a repetition, an echo. Instead of bearing with the echo on my monitor, I wrote a letter to the physician instead.

I wish we could talk.

The nights I don’t have a distraction these past weeks, months, and even years, I lay there and cry. Especially the past two weeks, it lasts for 30 minutes to an hour until I fall asleep. I try working so hard I'm tired, but in some ways it's worse. I wish I had been able to heal my situation with my daughter’s father (my ex) or find another lover who could love me. Cognitively, I understand. I’ve only brought you pain. You’ll never be able to love me. I get it, but my heart doesn’t understand.

I’m feeling sad about this. Fifteen years hasn’t made it stop bleeding with tears and heartache. I’ve realized a few things. I’m not exactly a prize, I mean I am amazing, but not traditional. And second, nobody else touches that brokenness the way you did. I don’t know what to do. Abandon it? Give it more time? Keep letting it bleed out tears? I am tired of feeling this way. It’s been too long.

Then I imagine your playlist is for me. That helps until reality reminds me there is only silence between us. Reality stings.

Playing with the broken bit increases the intense longing. So I try to quit. Writing this, I hear the blood pounds in my ears, and the tears drip on the page. Then the calm self-regulation comes back. I’m okay, but wow.

Why does it feel so intense? It’s been almost 16 years. Sometimes when it hits me at work, I wonder if you ever have to close the door and ground. If only they hadn’t made a mistake in the office and scheduled my daughter’s father with you. If only…

Wishful thinking isn’t helpful.

What helps?

1. My delusional hope – I imagine sitting on a dock with you talking like it’s the 90’s, and nobody is trying to reach us with cell service to redirect this line of thinking. I tear up, and my chin quivers thinking about it. I want to love and feel loved. Yeah, gush, tears, longing. That is my dream that someday, something will let us reconcile that exam, and I can reintegrate that part, and heal whatever I may have hurt in you.

2. My hope based in reality – I believe that with a good moral man in my life, I hope that someday I may heal. The problem is that: a. Good Moral types are usually paired. b. They rarely know what to make of my extremely flawed dramatic story. c. I’m not sure I’m consistent enough for one of them. d. But that is my reality based hope.

3. Other’s hope for me – I believe other’s are correct, that you aren’t the only way forward.

4. But, seriously, I wonder if we both would benefit from a conversation. It’s just that you might be the only way to align that part. Who the heck knows what I broke in you. Maybe I hurt you too. I function; it is just that the hurt part doesn’t stay well. I feel anxious about the spiritual connection I feel. That bit that thinks it bonded to you at that moment and pulls energy from it. I don’t know how else to explain the feeling. I lay there and feel what I wonder you’re feeling. I cry so hard when you feel empty or disconnected. Then I feel foolish for thinking I have any real connection, and it just hurts.

Without distractions, I struggle.

What helps:

I was thinking about what I want to say. When I imagine talking, it is comforting.

Things I want to share:
• My gratitude for my day.
• My latest & greatest update from the week by phone.
• About those moments that were hard to endure. The times when I can’t breathe or struggle to lift back to hope, and I sink into despair. If it weren’t for my daughter, I might not keep on keeping on. I’m struggling to imagine my future, especially when she leaves for college. When I feel like giving up, quitting work, and giving in to disability, I envision a part that argues for being persistent. The function tells me, “But, you don’t know how this will end.” It helps pull me back towards hope.

I was praying the other night when that broken bit encouraged me to keep waiting. I laughed through tears because I’ve been waiting to experience love for what feels like an eternity. So I asked, what did I do to have to endure this? If I could break free from this mess, I would have eons ago. I can’t help but think there is going to be an exciting and fantastic ending.

I’m open to options #1, #2, #3, or #4.

Heck, I’m open to anything hopeful if it means I get to feel better.