Feeling depressed with DDJ wife

Me (32M) and my wife (30F) will be married for 2 years come this Friday and I am feeling miserable thinking of the options I have in front of me.

I did not know that a di sease such as Delusional Disorder Jealous Type even existed till I first found this forum when googling desperately about what could be causing my wife to be so paranoid about me.And I think maybe she is suffering from it.

She thinks
1. I have cameras set up around the house to spy on her and do what I need to do. She has removed smoke alarms and CO sensors in our bedroom since she feels there is a camera in it that I have planted. I have asked her to have it checked by someone if she wants but no go.
2. I write on her with my finger the initials of the person I am supposedly cheating her with when I hug her while sleeping.
3. She is suffering from an as of yet undiagnosed condition which causes her severe uncontrollable itching in the genital and anal regions. She thinks this is because of STDs I have passed on to her. I have taken STD tests 3 times in the last two years and still she doesn't believe the results.
4. She checks my pockets, my underwear, and everywhere to find the "device I have hidden". When she doesn't find anything she says maybe I have it implanted in me and use it to communicate with another woman when in the restroom.
5. I have given her my phone and she has set the passcode for it. I only use it when I get calls or when I call my family in front of her. And still she feels somehow I have hacked it to be able to communicate with others. She has accused me of hacking her phone, her mom's phone and everything possible.
6. She finds her own hair in our car, wrappers she put sometime back, her hair clips and she says they belong to some other girl.
7. She keeps hearing imaginary conversations I have with supposedly other women discussing how I am going to get out of this marriage. I have taken to recording my laptop screen (with audio) when I am working and even when I show her the recording which clearly has no conversations she says the video is rubbish and is manipulated.
8. She used to say she can smell perfume on my shirt after coming back from work. (I do not use any perfume at all).
8. She has accused me of flirting and showing interests in all sorts of women. Women who were old enough to be my mother and my own cousin.
9. She bought a bunch of spy cams and tried to keep them all around the home but I found out since I saw the email confirming her order. She used them only once and has not used it since.
10. If she is ever out traveling alone or visiting her family she will video call me up at the middle of the night and ask me to walk around the home to show that there was no woman in our home. She has now gone to her Grandfather's funeral and has set up some security cameras all over the house. But still she accuses me of turning them off whenever I want to.
11. I work from home nowadays because I find it hard to take the accusations that accompany me actually going to my office and even then she accuses me of communication with some woman through some means.

Does this sound like DDJ?

All these accusation have taken their toll on me. I get very agitated and start yelling when she makes these accusations or as she says it asks me questions. We have had very bad fights. We have gone to couple's marriage counseling and they don't really help as it mostly ends up in her accusing me and me defending and the resentment over the accusations.

I always used to wonder why she is so desperately making up stuff to make me seem a bad person. It even seemed like she would actually like me to be the bad person just so that her thoughts of me are proved to be right. When I ask her she says no, she only want to "correct" me and get me back on the "good" path. I find that line very very insulting as I have not been unfaithful at all and I have done everything possible to help her trust me but she just ignores all my efforts and says I just find loopholes and cheat her and am controlled by the person I cheat her with. I want to reiterate I have never even been unfaithful and my wife is actually my one and only relationship ever.

Reading up on this disorder makes me think she is most probably suffering from it. I have called her paranoid and imagining thing during our fights and she says I am gaslighting her and that she is totally normal. I am not able to live in such a marriage anymore and I am going to give her an ultimatum of going for therapy and stop accusing me here onwards or I am going to go for a divorce.

The saddest thing here is I actually love her and she loves me too. When she is not having one of these suspicions she is so loving to me it breaks my heart even thinking of leaving her. I am just breaking down crying every few hours when I think of what I should do and all the happy moments we have had. I look at our photographs and it kills me to even think of giving up on our marriage. But she thinks of me as a cheater and a liar who is putting up an act for every other person in this world. I have been completely open with her. She knows the password to every account of mine. She has my phone 99% of the time. But still there is only distrust.

I know I cannot continue in this marriage if I am going to be accused like this every now and then. This has affected me mentally. I have stopped socializing at work and have cut down on most friendships because of all the accusations. I know I cannot bring a child in to this world with her if we are going to be like this always.

I am distraught and am depressed. Any words will help. Please help me through this horrible time. Why did my wife have to get this horrid horrid disease. We both love each other and we are not able to live happily as we deserve to.

I'm really sorry you're going through this with your wife. I can tell you that for us, it seems to get worse and professionals have told me that I need to maintain boundaries, because I can't help her, I can't solve her delusions, and I need to protect my well-being.

In our case, my mom has been divorced from her husband for 6 years and her delusions about him keep changing and increasing. She has also developed another kind of delusion, in addition to the paranoia and jealousy kind. She now thinks she has little bugs on herself, she said it was fleas at first, then she said they went away, and now she thinks she has mites.

She still spends money on a door alarm system to keep her now-ex-husband out, and calls police occasionally because of the break-ins. Of course, there is no one coming in and stealing her stuff (and sometimes she says he returns and puts the item back), or hacking her computer, or causing her water pipes to make a noise... on and on. She recently told me she's hired a private investigator, and joined an domestic abuse support group. I only wonder how many weeks it will take for these people to realize that the stories she tells never happened. They'll probably start to question when she talks about her ex putting dust on her through holes in her ceiling.

She has had doctors tell her she's got delusions, but she won't believe that, and then won't see those doctors. She was on an anti-psychotic medication for a couple weeks, but it didn't help.
I've tried and tried to comfort her and calm her fear by letting her know there isn't anyone after her, but she gets angry and accuses me of being naive and stupid.

When it started, she thought her husband was having multiple affairs, even with some of my acquaintances, and that he molested my son, and had her car tracked, was damaging her furniture, and on and on. We were so worried about his stress level dealing with the constant accusations. He loved her and endured for 3 years, and finally she pursued a divorce. He's not my dad, but we are still connected with him and make sure he's okay. He's still like a step-dad to me, and he's a wonderful man. We are so glad they are no longer together because of the stress on him.

Please don't feel guilty or blame yourself for needing to be away from the delusional person. Sometimes it's necessary. This illness is truly horrible. I will always make sure my mom has a roof over her head, but I need to minimize contact, and minimize my family's contact with her. It's very sad, because in some ways she's still smart, funny, cute, but in other ways, my mom is gone.

Thank you very much Sanmom for your response. Just having someone respond helps me so much.

We are living separately for the last month now and it is such a relief I am actually able to go to a store by myself and not worry if the line at the counter is too long.

I gave my wife an ultimatum that she needs to accept that I have never cheated and to never again accuse me and that she needs to go and talk to a doctor. It went as well as I should have expected she said I am the one suffering from Bipolar disorder and I am the one that needs to go to the doctor. She completely ignores any questions that I ask about her obviously false accusations and only focusses on things which I cannot disprove.

I have told her I need a divorce and now she says she loves me and we can start afresh and she will not accuse me if I do not do anything wrong. How can I accept that? I have never done anything wrong and have been called a thief, a cheat and a liar for no fault of mine. How can I accept that she would not repeat this. Even now she says she saw what she saw and heard what she heard and that I have done bad things to her. And she alleges the only reason I am asking for a divorce is to get married to the person she says I am "having an affair" with. Makes me want to cry.

I am trying to hold strong to my demand for divorce but the time away some how makes me remember only the good times, look at our pictures and cry. I cannot let myself be treated that way again. I think back on all the accusations she made and try to strengthen myself. Still I feel so guilty and sad about leaving her when she says she loves me. Why am I facing all this?

Without medication and therapy, it won't get better. You have to be firm about that. If she agrees, make her take shots so it's trackable. Make her sign a power-of-attorney agreement that allows you to make her get treatment. Otherwise, you're in a long, frustrating, losing battle.

Of course, that's easier said than done.