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Can I work for a living or be dependent whole life?

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Can I work for a living or be dependent whole life?

Postby krvikramraju » Wed Oct 12, 2016 1:59 pm

I need some suggestions.
My Brief history:
--------------------
1. October 2014 through Jan 2015, I was under extreme stress at workplace and also battling my personal relationships simultaneously.
2. Gradually during this period, my smoking & drinking increased 3-fold.
3. During this time, I visited foreign country for a tour with my family. Also did a road-trip with office-workers of around 3000 km. Assuming that I am an expert in handling stress; I was juggling between work & personal life & friends trying to strike balance.
4. Sleepless nights increased day after day.
5. Change of management at office occured & I felt I had to prove myself to the new management, so I worked harder delivering substantial results & got appreciated also.
6. But unknowingly (to me) I started slowly getting paranoid about office politics which expanded into my personal life.
7. Paranoia examples:
a) During my foreign trip, I was scared that I will be caught by customs officers & that I am being spied at. constantly i used to check if someone is following me.
b) I thought I am being followed by office people and they were analyzing me.
c) I felt I am being followed by my in-laws as my fights with spouse increased.
d) My spouse, My office close associates & my best-friends came together to harm me
e) sometimes I used to feel that my top-management is so happy with me they want to offer a senior position and hence they are spying on me to cross-check my ability. etc.. & etc..
f) I said to myself, You can never harm me as I am one of the most intellectual guy and I can handle all of them at once against the threat as I don't have any fear.
8. Slowly Paranoia began to grow day after day and one day on Feb 2015, I felt that everyone (the whole world) is staring at me. I felt everyone's eyes are red.
9. My plumber, my electrician everyone are involved in the grand-scheme of threat to me (including my wife).
10. Somewhere I felt (some part of my brain) that I might be seriously ill as it didnot make sense.
11. I decided to go meet a psychiatrist. This was 3 days later. I took an appointment with the doctor (in an big hospital) and I felt people around have come to spy on me.
12. I waited for the doctor to call me. (usually a doc spends 1 hr or more with one patient) and mine was 3rd in the list. After one hour passed, I started feeling small hallucinations around that my name is not appearing in the list (on appointment screen). And the office people has reported to doctor about me & requested to cancel the appointment.
13. Then I thought I will skip the appointment & go visit my best friend. I was driving a motorcycle and on the way I felt all the commuters are staring at me. Then some alien force which has tied-up with my wife & in-laws is directing me to do something.
14. I met my best friend and asked him why are his eyes red?. He said - "what the hell!". Then I felt that he is also involved with the aliens/office etc..
15. I came back home at around 11 PM (night) after 2 pegs of booze. On the way I saw few police-men near my house. I felt they have come to spy on me. Hence I should be in control not to show my fear or any feeling outside to anyone.
16. Then I felt I need to apologize to my wife as I was quarreling with her, this grand scheme of things are happening and they are teaching a lesson to me.
17. I asked my wife - "whats happening to me?" and then when she replied - "What?? nothing's happening"; I broke down crying...called out to my mom to help me.
18. My mom consoled me that my wife is doing nothing to harm me....then suddenly my so called GOOD brain told me that there was some problem with me (but this was 2% when compared to my paranoia).
19. I popped two anti-deppressent pills. Then asked for lemon-juice (thinking that someone has given me something & lemon-juice will flush out the poison).
20. Then I requested my wife & mom to call my in-laws (who stay in another city) to tell them that I would like to leave my city & come-down to their's as there is threat to my life.
21. I landed the next day afternoon in the other city. Requested my in-laws to arrange a visit to a psychiatrist.
22. They did so; and I started narrating the whole story, then the psychiatrist told that I suffered from a brief episode of 'Acute Psychosis'. And he put me on medication.
23. In Parallel, My other BAD brain was fighting with me telling that even the psychiatrist is involved with others to harm you. But somehow my GOOD brain fought against the thought & I took medication for a week.
24. After a week of self-examination & medication, I visited my psychiatrist and explained him that a similar episode occured to me in the year 2002. I had written an email of 2 pages to my best friends stating that my then office colleagues spied on me conspiring (this was in another country). And how I ran away from there & came back to my country.
25. After the psychiatrist went through my email; he said "You suffered from Psychosis even then". Then I sunk in my chair. And my GOOD brain started conquering the BAD one completely (though 70% acceptance occured to me that I am mentally ill). Still Paranoid thoughts were there in a corner all the time. Now, the doc diagnosed me of "Paranoid Personality Disorder".
26. I came back to my city, requested my boss that I have this issue so need some time to recover, he agreed and after a month-break went back to office.
27. I met another psychiatrist. He also agreed that I have "Paranoid Personality Disorder". And he put me on OLEANZ PLUS 10mg.
27. It was heaven to me with OLEANZ PLUS. First time in my life I was feeling happy & I was sleeping peacefully. I was going for a 5km walk everyday. Was under good diet regime. I worked in office for next 1 year.
28. During this one year, I went through CBT counselling. Then my medication was reduced to 5mg & then stopped in November 2015. And doc advised me to take anti-depressant whenever you are aware that you will be under stress.
29. My stress levels increased during January 2016 and worsened my mental condition. There was a relapse. But this time, it was very complex. As my mind told that really everyone in the office is conspiring with me.
30. I quit my job in march 2016.
31. Then I felt I should start off new life as all this was very challenging for me & my wife & kids.
32. I relocated to my in-laws residing city in April 2016 and acquired a new job in a totally new company as a 'senior manager'.
33. I worked for 2 months (work is always stressful. I tried to work with as little stress as possible but in vain) and then relapse hit me hard. I became paraoid about office colleagues. I thought my previous company & this company are both together in harming me.
34. Somewhere I felt its not working for me. After 16 yrs of my rewarding career, it abruptly stopped.
35. During this process of 1.5 ~ 2 yrs, it killed my confidence. But I didnot revolt back to prove that I am GOOD in my career. Instead, I started accepting the fact that I need to slow down and accept things as they were.
36. Currently my wife has started working and I am at home. Though I assist her in her day to day work, I have accepted the fact that my decision-making can have a wrong influence. Hence I take the back seat. And she is in the driving seat. It was very challenging to accept this but slowly it's sunk in and on-going still.
37. I visited a renowned psychiatrist once again and he diagnosed me of having "DELUSIONAL DISORDER".
38. He said I need to be on OLEANZ 5mg for my whole life.
39. I am currently very happy with myself with medication. Everything after a month of restarting medication is SUPER.

NOW MY QUESTION TO THE FORUM -

Only thing I understood is - STRESS and CONFLICT-environment would trigger my DELUSIONAL THINKING.
There is no workplace/Job without stress or conflict in any social setting.
Today, I have a financial crunch. I used to live life King-size. Today my family is struggling with my wife's earnings.

I want to help my family financially; but what should I do ???? What kind of job would be suitable for me ?
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Re: Can I work for a living or be dependent whole life?

Postby Sunnyg » Thu Oct 13, 2016 12:19 pm

Hi krvikramraju,
Thanks for the post! and Welcome. I was first diagnosed with delusional disorder in 2005, and maintained that until I changed providers in 2014 and she said "schizophrenia" was more accurate. But as a patient the label doesn't matter. They use the same drugs to treat both. It isn't like I changed, or the disease progressed. It just that I have hallucinations - visual migranes sometimes and feelings of presence... But I digress. I wanted to say that I do work in a good job. I enjoy my friends and family, and there are jobs that are lower stress, work from home, or otherwise non-traditional.

I wrote a book about my experience and published it in 2015 with a feminist press out of Berkeley, CA. The thing I needed most on my path to recovery was other stories where people recovered and went on to lead lives where they work and contribute. I find writing is a form of therapy for me, it grounds me. So I took the skills I learned writing my story and applied them professionally. It helped me advance in my career. The book I wrote All in Her Head by Sunny Mera (my pen name), sharing it was an important step for me personally. Long term I think sharing was important for me. Not sure if it will have any negative consequences. Ellen Saks wrote a great book too.

Again, thanks for sharing, and welcome!
Sunny
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Re: Can I work for a living or be dependent whole life?

Postby krvikramraju » Mon Oct 17, 2016 1:20 pm

Thanks Sunnyg.
I sincerely appreciate your reply :D . It has helped me calm myself & think rationally now.
I no more feel lonely. I agree to the fact that 'The Label doesn't matter' what you quoted.
Thanks for referring to 'Elyn saks'. I watch a couple of videos and searched for her on the Internet. She is certainly inspiring.
I live in India. Still will try to get a copy of your book & hers if i can :!:
I am now spending time by myself to figure out what suits me for a job/career. Hope to find solace soon.
At present, the biggest challenge is to first come out and face the society. The social stigma here is too high. And the awareness of 'Mental Illness' is very less.

Herculean task it seems to me. But I am a fighter in my life and will never loose so easily. Let's see how this phase of my life sails through :)
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