I am wondering whether this kind of syndrome goes by under a

Hi,

For quite a time I am wondering whether this kind of syndrome goes by under a certain category.

Inherently, my nature seems to be that of somebody who would be able to murder.
From a spring in my early youth, I knew by heart that knives could give me the opportunity to at least kill myself.
No emotion was attached to it for it was a rather practical notion. Also, I don't think that at that age, i would have been able to reflect on my behavior, let alone associate it with a certain emotion.

I did not come to the point of actually pointing a knife towards myself, because the anticipation of an exciting event such as an upcoming birthday made me postponed such foolishness quickly.
Another memory i recall, was when i was convinced i could smell sulfur and my conscience was burdened with thoughts ordering me to bash the head in of a very close friend.
Again, this was without any particular emotion such as hatred, or fear.
However, I could not rationally relate to these thought turmoils and I pledged that if it would ever come to that - and sometimes, opportunities did come real close - I would first lay the hand on me first, before I’d harm another life.
This is the root of an old conflict that renders me for a huge part incomplete and paranoid because I feel i have to restrain myself from a lot of actions in daily life, and at the same time make me feel as a perverted human being, for I feel i’m living in hypocrisy with myself and the environment.
Because what does kindness mean when it does not come from genuine intentions, but more as to protect another being from vile actions caused by oneself?
The only way to exorcise and heal myself from this strange excitement for violence, is visually expressions through creating films and painting, however it would be most constructive to be able to name the thing by itself.
It would be wonderful if there are some people who can definitely relate to this thought process.
Thank you