Wife accuses me of lusting/staring at other (younger) women

Me(34), my wife(31) and our 3 daughters went camping at a resort with friends this past weekend. My friend's brother in law, fiancee and his inlaws were also there, but not at our campsite.

My friend went on about their future sister in law, and how nice her personality is. She is about 22.

On Sunday, they came over to greet our friends before departing and had a conversation with them. During this conversation, which I was not a part of, I stayed out of the conversation.
My wife pointed at me at said" I am watching you". With a smile on her face. I took it as humor and made no big deal about it.

During the course of the afternoon she ignored me, treated me bluntly and following several questions about what I did wrong, the answer remained "nothing".

Later that day when we got home, i was told that I stared at the future sister in law and that she could see the lust in my eyes and knows exactly what I was thinking. She told me that there is something wrong with me and I am a sad case. I told her the truth that I definitely did not stare at her in the ways that she thinks, or any other form of desire . The closest to staring at her is if I was in thought and may have looked in her general direction. I told her exactly what I did observe, being that the whole inlaw family had rather peculiar noses and that i saw an odd shirt that the toddler was wearing (that was sitting on the woman's lap).

I am being accused of lying and making a fool out of my wife in front of other people.

She is threatening to leave me if I do not admit I was wrong and apologise for what I did. How can I do that, knowing the truth? Forever and a day she will believe that I am guilty, and hold it against me.

It is not the first time that she accuses me of this. The previous time, over a year ago, was also at a camp resort where I was watching my daughters playing on a trampoline and (from what I understand) a teenage girl wearing a bikini was standing in my view, whom I apparantly undressed with my eyes. I have not registered any "pretty little dollface" at the time she mentioned. After weeks of arguing about this nonsense, I have vowed not to go anywhere where there may be someone that can be looked at... the past camping weekend was on my wifes insistence.

Not sure if it may be part of the trigger, but she drove into a barrier with the vehicle on the way to the campsite and had to go to the police station to report the accident on our way home. Possible high stress levels affecting her way of thinking and emotional stability?

Any advice, help or comment will be appreciated.

My X-husband also accused me of looking at others. At one point he said I was trying to pick up a man at another table in a restaurant when I glanced over at him. It was useless to try to talk through this and other issues surrounding his accusations of my infidelity. It just kept getting worse in spite of being in marital counselling for over a year.

One of the keys as I understand it is the complete conviction of the person that they "know" what you have done/thought with no logical or reasonable information that an ordinary person would consider proof. There is no proof, but they are convinced that they "know" and really there is no way to prove you haven't done something.

If your wife is developing a delusional disorder the earlier there is intervention the better. I'm not sure what to suggest as far as getting an assessment. There may be others on this forum that can speak to that better than me. Some psychiatrists who are well versed in delusional disorders are able to assess and then treat the person but only address other problematic symptoms the person may be having - eg. trouble sleeping. It may be wise to meet with a psychiatrist and discuss his/her experience with delusional disorder and what the best approach may be.

I'm sorry to hear this. I know how humiliating and confusing this was for me.

-- Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:57 pm --

To clarify -- some psychiatrists won't communicate to the person with a delusional disorder they have delusion as they aren't capable of insight. That way the person complies with treatment and then may have the opportunity to gain insight into their condition. I hope that makes sense.

Has your wife always been like this? Or is it out of the blue?

Well, youre a mammal, right? It would be UNnatural to not look and lust over healthy young females. So long as there is no messing around behind your wifes back there is absolutely no problem. She can and will understand this if you are honest about who you are as a man.

On the other hand, not being honest with yourself or your wife (but especially yourself) about natural, healthy, biological desires will only serve to cause you anguish. Sexual repression has been the root of many problems in many people.

Stop rejecting your masculinity, it is definitely NOT evil.

It is quite assuming to conclude that every male person due to being male looks at every female person because she is female with lustful desire.
Frankly, being capable to appreciating the exterior without sexual inclination or intent is much more likely. You can appreciate a person's outward attractiveness but desire absolutely nothing from them. This is the difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them.

The assumption that any pretty girl will turn a man's head is disparaging, mostly toward those who assume such, because they are likely much less desired than they themselves keep assuming they are.
Moreover the caliber of male to be attracted to any which female passerby is nothing to be impressed by, nor to boast about. A person, male or female, is mostly attractive on the level of their selectiveness in being choosy and not driven purely by their genitalia. Namely, desiring substance not merely appearance. Contrary to assumption, there are people who require more than outward appeal in order to even view another person sexually. Sapiophiles require mental connection, and while denoting a person's physical attributes merely that would not incline them sexually at all. Standards.

Although it's absolutely true that unscrupulous people exist, I simply do not get that impression from this man, having this concern regarding his wife.

I'm sorry to say that your wife seems to be displaying a common symptom of delusional disorder - jealousy type (DDJ). In any social setting, if I happen to gaze, inadvertently, in the direction of any average or attractive woman in a room, I would be accused of lusting and leering after that person. Discussions on DDJ in these forums do not engender a bright outlook for a cure.