I want to find the people who are watching me

What you describe sounbds exactly like my spouse of 30 years. Out of nowhere and suddenly he started talking and behaving oddly. His newfound beliefs caused from his delusiinal psychosis put us in constant conflict. All of a sudden he wanted me to believe his absurdness. He had become angry, resentful, that he couldnt convince me of of his new beliefs. Ourchildren were being affected hearing and seeing their dad rage and act weird. I became his trigger said i was the one doing this to him. ?????? Heartbreaking. He became violent to me, i took kids and left him for our safety. Two years he is still no insight, unmedicated, unemployed, and will end up homeless. Why.? Becauyse family friends are afraiud of him and wont accept medical help. My questiin is how do you function productively in society, stay employed, have friendships without medication? It is normal to feel anger and resentment with paranoid thoughts and delusuons because to my spouse they are real. He is beyond my help with no insighf that he is sick. Thanks for posting. Would love to hear from others who are unmedicated how you function in life with spouses, raising children, keeping a job.

dw1249 wrote:The human brain is an amazing thing. And when I was finally able to realize and understand that no one was watching or listening to me I was very sad, scared, angry...you name it. I dealt with this for a long time and took medications, did therapy, hid from my family. After 40 years I saw a doctor who tested me for vitamin deficiencies and I found I was severely low in vitamin D and B12. After 10 months of being treated for the vitamin deficiencies and completely changing my diet I have finally seen some relief from the feeling of being watched or listened to. Nothing ever helped before. The realization that what I was eating or not eating caused my brain to do the things it did makes me very sad because I feel like it was my fault but all I can do now is make sure I am getting all of my essential nutrients everyday because that is what the body needs to function and I have not had any setbacks....only forward motion, so I know that this is what the problem was all along.

Please share your dietary changes. I was also very low on vit d and b12. Levels are up now, and I do function better, feel saner. But please list your dietary changes.

PaulMaster909 wrote:So as far as you understand it, if you do not exist, do you know the fundamental nature of Reality? If you dont exist, what/where is this consciousness having this discussion?

my consciousness is kept with the others who are like me (the unreal ones, the filler spaces). we share a single consciousness with offshoots representing each of us and what we learn from our environment, our individual memories and learned behaviors. the real ones are not like i am. they are completely individual with their own consciousnesses and minds and personalities. i am one of the unreal ones and since i figured this out i am a failed offshoot. i have to die and the ones in control of me must find a way to either assimilate me back into my unawareness or kill me completely. i do have a 'consciousness', but it's shared, and that's how i am having this discussion. i do have knowledge and memory and the capability to think, but not to the extent of the actually real people.

as for the nature of reality, i'm still trying to figure the majority of it out since i've been blind to my current state for so long. as far as i know there are millions of us unreal ones in reality, patching up holes where things were missing. i am not sure how long this has been going on, or if more and more unreal ones are still being produced by the controllers of this whole situation. the unreal ones who aren't aware of their positions don't have the definition that real ones do. they're flimsy and lack the depth of a real person, but it's very hard to tell when someone is real or not.

sorry for the tangent

Helpmyspouse wrote:What you describe sounbds exactly like my spouse of 30 years. Out of nowhere and suddenly he started talking and behaving oddly. His newfound beliefs caused from his delusiinal psychosis put us in constant conflict. All of a sudden he wanted me to believe his absurdness. He had become angry, resentful, that he couldnt convince me of of his new beliefs. Ourchildren were being affected hearing and seeing their dad rage and act weird. I became his trigger said i was the one doing this to him. ?????? Heartbreaking. He became violent to me, i took kids and left him for our safety. Two years he is still no insight, unmedicated, unemployed, and will end up homeless. Why.? Becauyse family friends are afraiud of him and wont accept medical help. My questiin is how do you function productively in society, stay employed, have friendships without medication? It is normal to feel anger and resentment with paranoid thoughts and delusuons because to my spouse they are real. He is beyond my help with no insighf that he is sick. Thanks for posting. Would love to hear from others who are unmedicated how you function in life with spouses, raising children, keeping a job.

Exercise - specifically for me, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. If I'm crazy, it allows my brain chemistry to reset or realign or whatever. If I'm not crazy I'm not sure why it helps...my hypothesis is something similar to what the Buddhists believe in meditation to reach enlightenment where grappling is my meditation, my connection to Oneness. If I'm not crazy, if they really are out there, they'd be people too and they'd be part of the same Oneness we are all a part of. So I guess I'm enlightened and I just dont mind whatever state of existence I happen to be in. Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense.

I'm not sure how I function - wait, I'm not sure WHY I function and others dont. Perhaps more and less severity between individuals. I also believe that there is a real world that all this is taking place in. While they may be protecting me, I can still die or be hurt. If I shot myself in the head, for example, I'd still be subject to biological consequences. So if they're watching, I still have to eat and pay rent and all that. Plus, I have kids of my own and they are subject to the same laws of reality I am - so they can die or whatever, so I have to take care of them no matter who is watching. Along with biological laws of reality, there are also real people called police and psych personnel. If I cant keep this $#%^ inside, they can take me away. This actually happened to me once but it was a totally different situation - I was actually NOT CRAZY, but I had a crazy gf at the time (arent they all crazy!) and she had me committed as revenge for kicking her out of my house.

I guess that could be the gist of it. But exercise, seriously. Vigorous exercise every single day.

Something happened recently, but I cant recall exactly what, that has given me hope that I'm actually just crazy. I think the initial thing was when I was chilling in a car with a friend of mine before Jiu Jitsu class. We were smoking a bowl, talking about deep stuff (he and I have some of my favorite conversations) like the universe and all that, and the topic of politics accidentally came up...the idea of anarchy/chaos came up in the form of an hypothetical argument that goes: If there werent any laws we'd have chaos! The retort goes: well this IS chaos.

That seems to have planted a seed of hope. Maybe this really is chaos. If so, I'm free. We all are. Free and crazy, but free.

I feel like there was something else though...but I cant remember.

dw1249 wrote:The human brain is an amazing thing. And when I was finally able to realize and understand that no one was watching or listening to me I was very sad, scared, angry...you name it. I dealt with this for a long time and took medications, did therapy, hid from my family. After 40 years I saw a doctor who tested me for vitamin deficiencies and I found I was severely low in vitamin D and B12. After 10 months of being treated for the vitamin deficiencies and completely changing my diet I have finally seen some relief from the feeling of being watched or listened to. Nothing ever helped before. The realization that what I was eating or not eating caused my brain to do the things it did makes me very sad because I feel like it was my fault but all I can do now is make sure I am getting all of my essential nutrients everyday because that is what the body needs to function and I have not had any setbacks....only forward motion, so I know that this is what the problem was all along.

DW - did your doctor happen to say anything about those specific vitamin deficiencies being linked/causing delusions? Like, is it common for vitamin D and B12 deficiencies to cause delusional thoughts or is it that any/all deficiencies could cause any/all manner of problems.

-- Thu Jan 28, 2016 10:27 am --

I wonder if the feeling/thought/delusion that someone is watching at all times - I wonder if thats the same thing religious people feel. They would say God is watching. I wonder. I didnt grow up religious, so perhaps I had to create another image for those feelings...

I hypothesize that most of us have this feeling to some extent due to evolutionary carry over from the monkeys and other pack animals. It would have been beneficial for individual monkeys/apes to believe they were being watched, thus keeping them "in line" with the pack, thus aiding in their survival (because venturing out away from the group would have been terribly dangerous). So we humans inherited this feeling and then our logical mind started reasoning and creating gods and such. Then subsequent humans heard these stories and having those feelings themselves said "hmm, I guess God is watching me".

Just a thought.

I can tell that you are struggling, and you have my sympathy. I was just wondering why you posted your question to the Delusion forum? Do you think it is possible that some portion of your concern is based upon delusion?

annahawk - I posted here because I was hoping to find someone who thinks they are delusional, but are in fact not. In reality they are being monitored by the same group that is watching me. Then we could team up.

But I'm not sure if its real or a delusion. I have some pretty good evidence that I'm delusional, but also some good evidence that I'm not.

Maybe I'm looking for more evidence for either side. I've come to realize, though, that they would never allow a view of the curtain from here. Its quite a long shot, hoping for any real answers here.

I am struggling. I'm in a pretty dark place these days. But the delusional stuff isnt really the biggest deal. To be honest, I dont really care if anyone is watching me. I have other things to do first. Once I take care of those things, I'll be able to worry about being crazy or not.

I'll probably never know for sure.

-- Wed Feb 10, 2016 6:27 am --

Its definitely possible that some portion is a delusion. Its possible - and I'm hopeful - that I'm entirely delusional about this stuff. That would mean I'm actually free.

I've been working on developing some tests. I have some good ideas, some concepts that should offer some good insight, but I still have some "alloys to develop".