Listening to music addictively, causes me insanity

Hi, i'm 18 yrs. old and not too long ago got diagnosed with psychosis. Recently caused me to drop out of college and right now im just recovering back at home w/ my family...

I don't really want to talk about my psychotic symptoms, though. No, I wanted to ask if anyone else has ever had psychotic symptoms exacerbated by music? or by fantasizing?

My addiction to music is real. I can't keep myself from it, it's like everything else in life is boring, and I need to listen to music. It really is an addiction for me... The problem is everytime I do, it makes me feel awful... Really, really awful. When I don't, on the other hand, it's like a huge boost, it makes me feel like i'm ready for anything.

I have fantasized and liked music my whole life. It's basically my favorite pastime...

I noticed in my last yr of high school the fantasies started getting darker... I got into more severe things like nirvana, alice in chains, one of my favorite songs is I will refuse by pailhead. And at the same time I'm really into all this 60s 70s and 80s music my mom loves, and it's all about love and like happiness and I really enjoy both. And I feel like all of my:

1.) psychotic thoughts
2.)music-driven fantasies
3.)relationships with other people
4.)emotions

Must hold some kind of deeper meaning, and I have to figure it out. And listening to music drives me more than anything to figure out what it all means. At least, that's how I feel.

The truth is that my fantasies have been getting darker and darker, specifically with my psychosis, and now they range from things one could call beautiful, while im listening to some 60s rock music, to horrible, evil things set the sound of loud industrial metal.

But anyways, to the symptoms-- I have symptoms of listening to music. It's destructive. It hurts me. A lot. I tried 'stopping', like getting off the music back in high school, and when I noticed that it actually made a big difference in my life, I made a serious effort to stop permanently. but I can't. And every time I relapse and listen to music again, I noticed the after-effects got worse. I got REALLY tired, even depressed. And I felt more drained than usual for days... It just kept getting worse and worse and psychosis began later than year. I became deluded with my thoughts, and I was already anti-social for most of my life, and I started thinking about that and coming up with crackpot theories about myself, and I've been getting delusions of grandeur, like I'm the mastermind behind everything in the world, and on and on, just insanity.

But really what it all comes down to is the music.

I don't think it can save my cruddy personality and anti-social tendencies. I don't think it's a cure-all for all my problems. But I know that not listening to music, does help me. Maybe more than I could imagine. Afterall, I've never been able to make it more than a couple weeks without music... And it seems like the longer I've been off, the better.

It completely rejuvenates me. Makes me feel more energetic. It doesn't make my problems any less real or difficult, but it really does make it easier for me to do something, and act. When I indulge in the musical fantasies, I feel depressed, sad, heartbroken, and I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone...I feel like it'll just turn out bad. I turn severely anti-social and I don't want to deal with life...I feel like maybe I just want to die and not have to stress, and just relax, without problems to deal with. Then on the flip-side, when I don't, I feel like I wanna go outside and take part in some physical activities, and get some work done, eat healthy and get my life on-track.

The depressing part gets more severe every time. And the energetic side get's a little less when I keep giving in. I don't know if anyone has ever had this... I'm honestly not sure if the fantasies are the problem, or if it really actually is just music. I still fantasize without music, but it's not as powerful. And I have listened to music without paying attention to it, except it stuck in my head for a long time.

Has anyone ever had something like that? please for god's sake tell me I can recover from whatever it is. All it takes is one relapse to get me back into it, and the further I go, the harder I fall. I remember feeling like if I kept on this way, I would be torn apart 'till I became braindead. And that's what's happening... I'm psychotic and losing my grasp on reality. The craziest part is that music could cause something like that... Just for an hour or so...one day of the week...

Anyways is there anything anyone can say about addiction? fantasizing? indulging in something that has negative side effects... Any advice for keeping it out of my life? I always do it when I get bored, and have nothing to do in the day. I get an urge, and somewhere about a week after I stop, maybe two weeks, I get a sudden feeling and it just overtakes me and it's like im forced to go to my room and plug in the headphones. My mind just says 'well there's no reason you can't do this it's gonna make you really really happy so just plug in the headphones there's no reason not to' And I can't think, I just keep getting that feeling, till I either stop thinking and just do nothing at all or I go and listen to music. It goes away but it's hard to resist, and I dunno if that urge will ever completely leave...