Suspected DDJ - advice requested

Hi everyone. I will try and write as concisely as possible. I'm very grateful for anyone who takes the time to read and respond to this.

I am 29 years old and, this summer, began a romance with a 56-year old new colleague. From the beginning he was incredibly intense, talking in the first few days about marriage and moving in together, and although his possessiveness was overwhelming for me, I fell deeply in love. His romantic backstory (according to himself) comprises two relationships (one 7 years and one 5 years), in which both women serially cheated on him, him finding out and dumping them with relish. He surprised another new colleague by talking at length about this romantic history, and how badly he had been treated, despite their new acquaintance.

The day after we shared our first night together, there was a work-related party, with alcohol etc. I noticed that my new boyfriend never drank. That night, I got caught up in a crowd who continued on the party to another bar and was late back to my new boyfriend. It happened that as I left this bar, after having called him to say I was on the way, another co-worker, a married man who had been drinking, took me by surprise and kissed me unexpectedly on the lips. My already instigated romance was a week old at this point. I was completely surprised but admittedly flattered, and kissed this man back, but knew that it would never progress beyond that point due to his marriage and my new romance. I walked the man to the bus and that ended there.

When I returned to my new boyfriend, greatly delayed, I told him straight up that I had been kissed unexpectedly by our colleague. I told him so as to be honest, because I really, really liked him, and wanted our relationship to be direct in that way. Another factor in why I told him immediately was possibly my relatively inebriated state (3 glasses of wine, and I rarely drink alcohol). He went into a rage, receding after some hours so that we reconciled and in fact made love, but then becoming very angry again, ending up in an almost frighteningly non-responsive state in bed for the next twelve hours. I was very concerned for him, having never seen someone so upset and so incapacitated, really, but had to leave to work, returning some hours later to find him still like that in bed.

Our romance continued over the next four months, but with very intense and frequent periods of interrogation regarding my feelings for the co-worker who had kissed me that night. We spent days and days and days of each week on Skype between visits (he lives in another city), and neither of us got any work done at all, me proving my innocence to his interrogations (we are both freelancers). He picked out many completely innocent interactions between myself and that same man, deducing, to his mind, conclusive evidence of previous and lengthy betrayal. He began to lie, saying he was in contact with that man, and saying that he had other multiple sources informing him of my sleeping around. I withdrew from a 2-week important work contract due to his lying, and my believing him, saying he was in contact with my boss there. He contacted numerous other professionals in our field, saying horrific things about me, saying I was to be avoided professionally, and then re-contaced them, withdrawing his allegations during the times he was back 'loving me,' and then, incredibly, re-contacting them a third time to in fact 're-denounce' me. He vacillated between periods of intense love and public denunciation, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was coming across as a man with 'profound psychological issues' to those other colleagues who were included in these emails, harming his own career in the process. I went to the police to seek advice on his messages when they began to include general threats that I "should be very afraid;" him saying that he was "a danger to me" etc.

I have a schizophrenic brother, and had deep sympathy for my new love, and yes, I still love him, and feel very deeply for all the suffering he was going through, especially since it is all based on lies. A few days ago, we reconciled (on a beautiful 8-hour video call on Skype, in which proclaimed intense love for me and apologised sensitively and very lovingly), but two days later, his calls and texts turned abruptly into physical threats again, saying never to contact him, that I had destroyed him, and that he would "throw me against the wall" if he was in the same room as me. He believes now that I sleep with many men in our workplace, that I was manipulating him all along, that I had (and am continuing to have) an affair with that man who kissed me that night (though i have not seen the man since, as he lives hundreds of miles away), and has called me every name you can think of. He even had his sister, whom I've met once, briefly, phone me to say never to contact him again, implying that I was harassing him.

My questions are: does this sound like DDJ? The man lives alone, has few friends, but has a very successful career in his field, which involves travelling periodically for work. He is highly respected in general, and very charismatic and talented.

Secondly, does anyone have any advice on how to stop loving someone who treats you like this? I cannot believe his abuse because it is so far removed from the man I fell in love with, and he is that man, still, to me, in between his 'episodes,' saying he wants me very much, that he is honoured by my love, that he adores me, etc etc etc. And it is sincere, if you guys can understand that. It would help me very much if I could label this madness, somehow. At the same time, I am of course reluctant to diagnose him with anything myself, as a non-professional.

I hope this query is written so that it makes sense, and that, indeed, it fits on this page. Thanks so much for your time and your response if you can.

Hi Osmin

My x-husband has DDJ.
If you read other posts here by the partners of those who have this condition you will find similar stories to yours. While we can't officially diagnose him there are certainly enough markers for it.
I feel worried for your safety. As there is an increased risk for violence with any kind of jealousy but particularly when it is delusional jealousy which I believe you are describing.
Like you, I tried to be as open and honest as possible and tried to provide all the reassurance I could, we were even in counselling together for over a year. However, it just got worse and worse. I'm terribly sorry to tell you this as you sound like you really love him. But from someone who has lived it and also read many stories I don't think it would be wise or even safe to continue with him. Please take care of yourself.