Life is not what it seems *may trigger*

Please do not think me crazy for what I'm about to tell you. In December of last year I was diagnosed with psychotic depression. I tried to kill myself because a voice in my head called itself God and convinced me that if I didn't die, the world was going to end. I was put on antipsychotics for a few weeks but was taken off of them because of side effects. A few months ago, a voice, a man named John, began talking to me. He said he knows who/what I am, that he knows me better than I'll ever know myself. He talks to me about life and people, and I won't lie, I like what he has to say. He seems to know exactly what he's doing with himself. He's so put together, I crave that level of stability. But he has a dark side. John is severely homicidal... Sometimes he takes over my mind, and makes me want to hurt people. He fills my head with images of death and pain. I'm so scared of what he could do... He tells me that he has a plan for me. He says that I was chosen for something greater than myself, that I was a destined killer. That's an idea that has always consumed my mind, destiny/fate. For years I have felt different. I seemed to effect people in ways that no one else does. I see the world in ways that no one else does. And recently, within the past year or so, it became different. I was no longer weird or different, I was chosen. I feel as if there is a greater force out there controlling the universe, much greater than God. Sometimes that force picks people to change the world. Some people are born special. And that was me. I feel as if life wants me for something. And I know what it is. I will be the one to decide if the world becomes good or evil. Half of me is good, the other is evil. It makes sense, one of my sides must win the fight. And then I'll change the world.

It seems insane, but it makes more sense to me than anything else out there. It feels right, it feels like the key to everything, the key to making life stable again. I will either save the world, or destroy it. And I'm ready to make that decision.

So, that is how your world works, huh?

It's all very black or white.

Honestly yes it is. There is good and there is evil. I feel that a person can always fall directly into one of these categories. Well, unless they are stuck dead in between them. I feel like I'm stuck trying to pick which one to choose. And it's not fun.

Hi Trying to be sane,
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. Have you talked to your doctor about what you are experiencing? There are many different medications that have few side effects if you find the right one.

If you feel like a threat to yourself or others, please seek care immediately.
Hugs,
Sunny