I have delusional disorder

I have delusional disorder. I am convinced that my wife of 11 years is and has been having an affair for years. I've done many of the things described on here. I have searched the house and cars for cell phones. I have searched back cell phone records. I have interrogated my wife. I know I have an issue and I want to change.

It makes me sad to read so many posts where people are giving up on a family member or spouse. I understand that the disorder is rooted in narcissism. I never wanted to conciously hurt my wife. The feelings are so real, omnipresent and over powering it's hard to keep them at bay. All I ever wanted was to find true love but maybe that doesn't exist. My wife has continued to stand by me even though I have continued to repay her with periodic bouts of pain. For that I am thankful.

Some people have written about the origins of the dellusions. I guess that it's like any disease. It's present in me and for it was activated in a particular way that I haven't dealt with.

For one I believe that my dad is a full blown narcissist. So I am sure I have at least some of that. My Mom started having an affair when I was in 8th grade, attributable to the way my dad acted I guess. She kept it a secret for a while but it eventually came out. She denied it and denied it but at one point my Dad confronted it dragging me in the car with him to do so. I suppose because I was a kid I felt like it was she who had abbadonded our family. I didn't understand the role my dad played in that. I called her a whore and a lot of other bad things. She moved out and in with this other guy and his three kids and started taking care of their family. For five or six years I refused to go see her. Finally we made amends.

She eventually left that guy and said it was a bad decision. She didn't move back with my father but to live with my grandparents in our home state because my grandmother was terminal with cancer.

At some point in that time frame I met my wife. We had a beautiful and passionate relationship and we truly loved each other. After dating for several years, during which I was admittedly fearful at times she would leave me, we decided to get married.

At that time we attended a wedding shower my mom threw for people in our home state. My mom had winced purchased her own house. While we were visiting I discovered that anecdotal evidence that she was with another guy. I asked her about it and my mom denied it vehemently. I eventually accepted her explanation.

Our first few years together we're great. It seemed we were blessed and everything went right for us. At some point in this time frame it came out that my Mom was indeed having another affair, if you could call it that at this point given the state of her relationship with my father. Other things came out. Like she kept two cell phones. One for each guy. My father and the affair guy.

At this point in my family my parents are still married. My mom is still living with the other guy in NY but visits my dad three or four months a year to see my family and my sisters in NJ. The guy knows about my dad and everyone else in my family knows about the guy. My mom insists he's her roommate and my dad wants to believe that I guess so he does. We all just pretend like it's normal.

Which brings me back to present day in my relationship. I have become so convinced my wife is doing the same thing to me. That she will leave me and take our kids to be raised by another man. Any guy that gets close to us I instantly find suspicious. In particular a friend of mine I let get close has taken it to a new level. I just feel like he's everything I'm not and it reminds me so much of what happened with my parents. I have found so much anecdotal evidence, which I now know is false, but never any hard evidence. But I know I'm driving her away. I see I am hurting her and I feel her loathing and it makes it even worse. It pushes me deeper into dellusions.

I went to therapy but I managed to convince the therapist she was having an affair too. Which again didn't help.

I want to get better. I want to trust my wife. I want to make her feel cared for loved and protected. I am going to get better. I want to fight for my family. I'm not a monster, though reading about some of the other experiences from my wife's side makes me feel like that's how people see people with this disorder and in turn how my wife sees me. Which I guess, again, pushes me deeper into despair and dellusions.

I can't ask anymore of her. If I can't get this under control then I guess I will have to isolate myself and live the rest of my life that way. That is a scary and sad proposition. To live a life without anyone you trust, spouse or friend. But it's my reality.

I'm hoping that not just people who are on my wife's side of the equation are on her and that by discussing it I will get better. I'm also hoping that by sharing my story some of the wives will or spouses will give their husbands or family members a chance. My parinoia is not rooted solely in narcissism but also in experience. I want to be different, I want to be better. I just haven't had the strength or tools to do it yet. I hope that some of you can give your spouses or family members a chance and help them get better. There is nothing worse than the isolation that comes with mental illness and how it pushes you deeper into the pit.

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. I hope that you are able to find effective care and treatment. Getting medical attention can in many cases be effective. For me learning to let go of the delusional beliefs has been the hardest part of my journey to recovery.

I had to write my way to feeling better. On this forum, in my journal, I wrote so much I made a book. I think we need more stories of success with learning to live in treatment with mental illness. Lots of us are doing it, just afraid to be known, because of stigma.

Sunny