Obsession, jealously and delusional thinking....

I think it important to list each ‘stage’ of my issue as it has progressed to where it is currently, so here goes.

Back in high school (15 years ago) I hung around in a medium sized group of people who were all more acquaintance than friends. I did this because my small group of actual friends (numbering 3) were a part of this group. One of these ‘acquaintances’ was always somewhat negative towards me but never anything too bad so I ignored it most of the time.

Towards the end of high school, this person started hanging around with my close friends more often and I ended up getting to know him better. I discovered he came from a rather wealthy family and his girlfriend at the time was also quite wealthy. (Not extremely, but still much better off than I). At this point in time my friends were all moving out of their parents’ homes, getting married and finding good jobs. I on the other hand still lived at home with a parent, was unemployed most of the time and did little with myself.

This is where the jealousy began.

I began to obsess not about this person, but more the lives they lived and which I wanted. At the time I used it as inspiration to try and achieve better but I found my motivation hard to keep and continued to go around in circles never having achieved much. Instead I watched the progress of this person and to a lesser extent my other friends. He married his high school sweetheart and purchased a house followed by a second where they currently live. All in all I became quite jealous.

For the past 3-4 years I began monitoring them on social media, building a ‘profile’ on them which included phone numbers, addresses, family members, occupations etc. At one point I infiltrated their home computer and obtained and used some information that I won’t discuss here.

They found out what I had done and began to distance themselves from me. I was no longer invited to get together or anything really.. and I saw them very infrequently. Their reaction was quite negative but little to nothing happened (i.e no police or lawyers etc.)

This is where things started to become more negative.

At this time (now 3 years ago) I began experimenting with the drug dextromethorphan (This was completely unrelated with what had been going on).
- For the first year I used small dosages and nothing came of it.
- Over the next year as my tolerance to DXM increased I used more, aiming to replicate the experiences I had in the past, but things became different. I found myself feeling as though I was being watched or monitored by people but I could never figure out whom or what.
- Over the next year things became even stronger. I experienced strong delusions which at the time I didn’t recognize as ‘all in my head’ and I genuinely thought they were real. At times I thought I was god and at other times I thought government agencies were spying on me or even attacking me with mind control weapons and similar. I continued to experiment with DXM because there was a certain thrill to my trips. I didn’t know what would happen next… Would I have a ‘good trip’ where I felt as though I was exploring the universe in my mind or would I have a bad trip and become paranoid.

and to the point....
Since then my delusions have changed… close to every time I have a very similar experience. I feel as though my ‘friend’ is watching me. At the time of tripping I feel as though he is hiding around my house with others, attacking me with laser weapons, reading my thoughts and communicating with me telepathically. When I close my eyes I have vivid ‘CEVs’ (closed eye visuals) of him talking to me. He calls me names, mocks me and shows me images of ways his life is better than mine.

During the times I am not using DXM I remember much of what happened but have logically come to the conclusion that these things did not happen ‘for real’ and it was all a kind of lucid dream.

I have attempted to cease using for periods of weeks to up to a month…. During this time I have memories of the past which I cannot identify (even logically) as being true or not. I remember a time close to (read above) when I did wrong by them, and how they responded. I have memories of him following me on multiple occasions which I am almost certain did happen but I cant prove they did. I remember him threatening legal action if I did not 'back off'.

Ive come to the stage where I am obsessing over him, his wife and his children a lot of the time.. with or without drugs.

What can I do to tackle these obsessions ? I try to think about other things and it does work at times but at the end of the day ive always thought about him/them at least once..

....its getting annoying but also scary, as I begin to have violent thoughts and fantasies more frequently. I KNOW in my head much if not all of what I have experienced is fantasy but I still wish him harm and am insanely jealous of him.

"What can I do to tackle these obsessions?" your answer is in your question, 'obsessions'. When your are obsessed with something, our brain picks the scent of our fear or whatever is related to that obsessions and flag it as the most important point.

It will bring it up in any time of the day even when you are sleeping. So the thing is, whenever your friend comes in your mind don't push the thought away, it will pounce back more fiercely (that's the most loathsome part: I call it loathsome because it's destroying a beautiful period of my life right now) take few deep breaths and change your position i.e if your sitting stand up if you are laying on your right side switch on your left.

I know it's really really hard but you have to try with a bit of your will power. Brain is a cunning little thing it will drag you to those you want to avoid. Oh and one more thing, when I drink a lot of water and have a good sleep my obsessions become like some blurry thing. My Nutritionist told me to have dates before breakfast on an empty stomach and that really helps me as well to calm all that buzz going in my head. (but I'm not recommending it to you) I'm saying this that you should visit a good nutritionist who'd give you a plan that will help get you rid all these notorious chemicals in your brain (=

hello,
in my humble opinion, i believe it could help to visit a good psychotherapist. obsessive thinking is painful.

good luck!

-- Mon Aug 17, 2015 10:38 pm --

hello,
in my humble opinion, i believe it could help to visit a good psychotherapist. obsessive thinking is painful.

good luck!