Hello, I'm here to help myself understand more why I am like this. I wonder if others also experience these types of things, and if so, please tell me about them. I don't want to be alone in this anymore. (I highly doubt anyone is going to reply. Nobody ever has.)
I... I've had this thing. Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder, for years now. I managed to tone it down, but really, I want to speak about a thing related to this. So, I should start off, I don't remember what's it's like to be a child. To not worry about money, food, education, etc, partly because I don't remember my childhood and partly because I had to grow up quickly. I'm the eldest daughter of a single mother with five kids (including myself). The earliest age I can recall things from is age 10/11. That's when my maladaptive daydreaming got out of hand. I would sit around and do nothing but daydream, sometimes for one or two hours, sometimes for seven, but there wasn't a day that passed without my daydreaming. I developed a certain... bond, you could say, to a certain character. This... character was in every daydream, without fail. A daydream without him/her, wasn't an entertaining daydream. Eventually, this character branched out. I imagined them around me even when I wasn't daydreaming. Over the years it just grew and grew. I became increasingly paranoid over the years, and I seriously thought that this "character" wasn't just a "character". I thought that maybe they were real, that maybe they could read my thoughts, maybe they were alive somehow. Then, I wanted him/her to leave me alone. It felt like they were following me around, only they were invisible. Eventually, this monster started ruining my life. I was so preoccupied with it, I fell behind in my grades, my social skills... It felt like he/she was constantly egging me on to daydream. I stopped myself from daydreaming, cold turkey. It was hard as $#%^, and I'm still not off of it, but I don't daydream about him/her anymore.
It still follows me around today. While I was traveling in the car for hours on end, my mind couldn't help but turn to daydreaming. It turned to him/her. I daydreamed about this monster that I had created, the monster that wouldn't leave me alone, always there. I had this mental chase with it, it would chase me through the halls, and I would always run. I would run and run and run, but it was always there. It always caught up to me. My mind made some symbolic connections, the daydreaming associated with tea, the monster had masks. It had different masks labeled different things, "Depression" "Anxiety" "Paranoia" things like that. It could combine the masks and switch them out, it was basically telling me that it was the cause of all of these emotions. Then, in my daydream, the monster was choking me out. I clawed and scratched, but I couldn't get out. Then I finally managed to shove the monster off of me, and I took it's mask off accidentally, in the process. The monster was me. An evil version of myself. Then, the monster laughed at me and it came at me with a blade. Luckily, my Tulpa, Calico showed up in time to save the day. My daydream was cut short after that. Anyway, on the tea thing, the masked monster (that is now named Erica) sits down on a checkered blanket, and holds up a small tea cup, filled with tea. It offers it to me, and it's very enticing. Every time I slip and daydream about that monster with the many masks, I take a sip of the tea. It's always wanting me to drink that damn tea.
So, yeaaah. I'm also suspicious of the shadows of the wall, I think they're watching me. That's why I'm under a blanket right now. Even though the shadows of the blanket should also be able to... ###$. ###$ ###$ ###$ ###$ ###$. Welp, the only safe place is gone now. Sigggh. Anyway, I'm always checking around the room, seeing if someone/something is there. I always expect a monster to be lurking in the corners of the room, maybe one hanging on the roof. I don't know.
More things-
I've had some depersonalization episodes on and off over the past four-five years, and lately it just hasn't gone away. I can step back and think about things, question them. Like: "why do we do this? Why do we find that attractive? Why do we- despite knowing that it's bad for our health, continue to visit fast-food places and eat unhealthy? I know that it's tempting, but isn't it built down into our core, the instinct to survive? Eating like that cuts down your years, it can give you diseases. Why do we do that?" I might have gotten carried away there, but that's an example. The other day, somebody sent me a reaction gif of somebody making a funny face, and I looked at it and it freaked me out how they moved their face without touching it. It was freaky as hell. I thought about the muscles tugging and pulling, therefore moving the skin along with it... it's just weird. I feel like I'm moving through life on auto-pilot, only stopping to question things I find strange. It feels like there's a veil over the real me, and that the one I portray is a faux. I don't feel real. I've seriously questioned if I was a robot or alien. I still do. A lot of the time I feel like I'm waiting for someone to come and get me, lead me back to where I need to be... weird.
Another thing I've noticed about myself is that I have a veeerry short temper. When I'm alone, I don't feel much, but when I'm with my family or friends, I seem to push that numbness down to an extent. I put on my mask, really. Anyway, I become really irritated. Fast. Example: "Hey, what's on TV? Are you watchin- Shut the ###$ up, Luke. You'll never have any friends if you keep crying like that." (My brother, Luke, is two, and he cries and screams a lot.) Then I feel bad and I start being nice to him right after. Then, he could scream in my face and I'll be ready to drop him off at an orphanage. I get mad really easily.
Has anyone every experienced any of these things in a group like this?
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