Not sure if delusional....

Well hello!

Just to start about me for a bit. i am a 27 year old male. And have a wife, we are married for one year now, but already are in a relationship for 8 years.

2 years ago i became depressed due to different circumstances, but the main issue was me being not truthful to my (then engaged) and now wife. Because one night i kissed another girl at a bar. i was completely wasted due to alcohol but that is no excuse i know. I immediately felt terrible guilty, and kept it for myself for about 4 months until i could no longer hold it in and confess to my wife. Of course she was mad and hurt. but she saw how bad i felt, i did not eat or sleep, and became extremely depressed, thats how she knew i was in a lot of pain because of what happened. We still got married because we still love each other very much.

But ever since this has happened, it seems like guilt has become my only emotion available, i mean. EVERYTHING i do i feel extremely guilty off. and i mean EVERYTHING. even the dreams i have.

Now we got to the point of dreaming, we also got to the point of me being delusional?

Because i tend to feel extremely guilty for my dreams because i obsess about them and so i begin to think my dreams are real, and all the bad stuff i do in my dreams i should pay for.
For an example. I had a dream of my Ex girlfriend. i was at her place and we kissed. thats all.
But now i feel like this stuff has really happened. (even tough deep inside i know that is not true). it feels like its true.

Another example: i had a dream a friend of mine killed someone and asked me to get rid of the body. and so i did (in my dream). but now i feel like i really murdered someone! I began feeling extremely guilty and in a moment i called my friend and asked him 'did we kill someone' ?

and he just started laughing and asked me wtf is wrong with me? i tried explaining that i start to lose sense of reality. and he doe snot know what to do with that.


Now everyday memories (probably made up) from my past pop up and i feel terrible about them.
I seem to know deep inside what the truth is about a lot of things, but that starts to fade away, and i start to more and more believe my own made up past.

I have had a bad childhood, because my mother was a alcoholic and used to abuse me and my little brother, until i turned 8 and we were taken away from her. But i had problems after that for the rest of my childhood. I used to pull out my eye lashes and eat them. (i still pull hair and eat them btw).


I go to group counseling and i go to a psychiatrist. but all they say is that i need to try and stay more calm, and endure these things.

But i cant anymore! i feel like i am losing myself. As if i am creating a whole different person with different memories etc.


The last thing i want to adress.. and i really dont know how to explain this, but ill try.
Somehow a lot of the times i feel like i have a '6th' sense. I know i can see, taste, feel, think. But this '6th' sense is like.... pure truth.
for an example: i KNOW and have experienced that meditating helps my depression. but my '6th' sense Knows it does not.

Another way of describing it for me is that this '6th' sense in my believe. If my believe is not ok with something, i wont and will never happen or be true. So even tough meditation is science based, my believe thinks otherwise and so it wont have any effect on me.


I know all of this sound very strange. but i dont know how to describe such things in words, because they can not e described in words, only true experience i guess.

Hi,

Thanks for posting your thoughts - your openness and that of other people has helped me to feel comfortable. As or answers to what you are experiencing - I'm sorry but I'm not a doctor. I can only empathize and relate - which I do.

The fact that you are aware that something isn't right is good. Perhaps reading your own thoughts over again will help you to address them - that's what I am hoping for myself. I'm tired of hiding the fact that I have delusions and want to move away from them if I can. I hope you can too.

Kate2015