I feel like I am two different people. *may trigger*

To begin, in a twisted way I am very, very narcissistic.
I hardly ever sleep at night because I stay up doing my makeup and standing in the bathtub staring and staring, and evaluating and reevaluating myself. When I see myself as beautiful, I see myself as another girl.

(I feel addicted to this pattern of little sleep because I can experience absolute euphoria when I see her, and see myself as I intend.)

This has become a cycle, almost matching day and night. At night, I see her in the mirror, but during the day I either sleep or I am out without mirrors so I lose her, and become my first self.

My first self is my ugly self, my real self.

I hate my real self because I’m not her. My first self has given head in bathroom to disgusting people and done everything I regret so cripplingly deeply.

These things that have happened effect me a lot. I feel ruined, like any hope I had of becoming her has been shattered, that I need punished because I’m guilty. I come from a beautiful home and my family treats me so kindly, as an angel, and I feel so strongly that I’ve destroyed their baby girl. I feel so nauseous when I think about it and I would do anything to stop feeling, so I contemplate suicide a lot. I think of suicide rather casually, viewing it almost as an experiment. I do a lot of impulsive things, like throwing things - I think nothing is stopping me, I could just throw this and then I do. I view suicide similarly.

My first self is very very negative, my second self is euphoric, and they can both be numbing. Although, within my first self I do feel happy and normal a lot of the time, but what’s happiness compared to euphoria?

I am ugly and sweaty and I am what the world sees. So, I want to become her - which is why I’m bulimic and why I drive my poor family crazy every morning and every time I have to leave the house, because I have to try and become her. I must attempt become perfection to be seen by the world.

This leads to me thinking I am merely an terrible attempt at her beauty, an embarrassment in comparison. I don't look as good in the clothes she wears and her nose is more beautiful than mine. Every time I look in the mirror I change from looking good to bad to worse to worse to bad to great to beautiful, and it's so ever-changing that I've reached the point where I have no idea what I really look like or how the world perceives me. I don't trust mirrors. Any compliments I receive just confuse me irreversibly.

I imagine all the time (but it’s very real to me) that someone can feel everything I feel and experience everything I experience, as if someone is watching me through a crystal ball. I think I want this to happen, for moments to be captured within someone else. I love myself so much, I think I’m beautiful, I love my voice and my tastes and she is the embodiment of all these things.

I feel everyone treats me very roughly in everyday life, and I get very upset about this, because I almost feel I hold her within me and she is breakable. Then again she is very very strong and tall and so powerful. I am very sensitive to everything, and although I’m not at all innocent anymore, I wish I was, and so small things people say or do have a profound impact on me.

I have no friends because I see everyone as mean and cruel with cruel intentions (this is because of terrible past experiences), and they don’t deserve her. Almost everything and everyone repulses me, because I have seen such a beautiful and gentle thing.

She is me. She looks like me, but she is my beautiful self. She’s a virgin, she’s still a child and she writes my book.

Lastly, I am in love with her. I hear songs about love and I think of her, because everyone else repulses me and when I masturbate I think only of her and of rockstars because sexual things with normal people terrifies me (due to past experiences).

I have very strong dreams and ambition, and I’m not going to attempt to describe it because I see it so realistically that in writing it seems false.

For my dreams to be real I have to become her. I have to get very thin and collect beautiful clothes - do impossible things, like remove the kisses of very ugly boys and girls who have dared to touch her lips while I was on drugs or stupidly drunk or whatever.

Anyway, this is long and I’m sorry, and it says hardly anything in comparison to all I feel or don’t feel, but at least it’s a very vague description of my situation. I know it’s very unhealthy, but it also is me. It’s completely my existence and experience and I love it and I love her. I feel glad to be destroyed by her?

This hasn’t taken me from anything that I was before. I’m only sixteen and she is myself as a child in many ways. So, this is who I’ve always been.

However, it would help to know if this is some sort of disorder, or if anyone experiences anything similar?

I would so appreciate any replies.

I'm 39 years old and I have had a similar experience. Do you have insight into the "her" that you talk about as being a fantasy and not really you? Do you know why you experience that euphoria? I have had the same thing and that feeling was in connection with a fantasy. My fantasy was another version of myself that was beautiful. Have you been diagnosed with depression? I have major depressive disorder and I believe I suffered from delusional disorder for most of my life. I was never officially diagnosed but what you describe is very similar to what I want through. I ask if you have depression because I have read that a mood disorder can create these extreme positive and negative feelings.